Anyone ever regret their divorce?

[luv2sleep]

If one partner has lost his/her fire, then yes, it's the other partner's responsibility to make every effort to stir up that fire. Wouldn't matter if it were two men, two women or if the woman had lost her ardor in a male/female relationship.

That's the "worse" part of marriage in the vows.

Ok. I guess that's why I'm divorced. If I had no emotional reciprocation I couldn't do it no matter what. It actually was impossible.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I think that is seriously doubtful. An abusive marriage? A marriage to an addict, or someone with untreated mental issues? Sure. But Jodifla is dead-on - statistically, divorce is brutal on women and children, and I don't think there are many kids out there who feel like they were suffering more in their intact middle class home than when they were suddenly thrust into poverty or financial insecurity, moved away from their friends and school, and forced to accept a much lower standard of living because one or both parents wasn't happy with the marriage. Things have to be really bad, IME, for kids to view divorce as an improvement. And although it isn't a popular position these days, I do think parents should take that into consideration when choosing how much effort to put into a struggling marriage.

Well sure, it depends on the situation. But to indicate that most women will be thrust into poverty? Every situation is different! Also, you dont know if the kids will be better off with the family together or not. It depends on whats going on in the marriage. As I said, every family is different. At the end of the day, I think we can agree that the couple should try their damn hardest to make it work. They both have to be serious about counselling and give it a fair chance.

 

[Disney Doll]

You're married to a surgeon?
Good luck.
Every surgeon I ever worked with in 30 years of Nursing, with 1 exception, had an ego the size of New Jersey. His " I know more than the counselor" makes sense now. Surgeons think they know more than God.

You say you know he's not having an affair...don't be so sure. You'd be amazed at the things that go on at a hospital and the places where people do them.

Get a job. Right now. Not after the summer. Now. You need to be able to support yourself, you need something in your life besides being Donna Reed.

Then do this: You are a mother with children to protect, so you have to protect them. To protect them, you need to plan ahead.

Get a handle on your finances. Make copies of the last few income tax returns, make copies of all your savings accounts, retirement vehicles, tax bills (car and property), household bills etc. You need to have a pretty darn good idea of where your money is and what it is being used for. Keep these copies in a place other than your home. If you have to rent a safety deposit box at a local bank, then do so. If you have a friend you can trust to hold onto these items for you and stay quiet, then save yourself the cost of the safety deposit box.

Next open a bank account in your name only. Make sure that there is a notation on it that your husband DOES NOT have access to it. If the same trustworthy friend is willing to, it would be better to have the bank account in their name, because in the event that you do divorce, if it's not in your name, it's not your money. At the very least, your name only, no access for husband. Every few days put some money into it...small increments so he won't notice. One good way to do it is to get cash back at the grocery store. Your bill comes to $50, get $50 cash back. The entry shows up as $100 at the grocery store when one looks at the bank statement. That extra $50 goes into your savings account. Same thing like with buying the kids clothes. You take a certain amount, buy the kids what they need, any left over goes into your savings account.

I had a co-worker years ago who planned to leave her unfaithful husband. She had a couple of children, one of whom had medical issues and he had really good health insurance and she didn't want to take the chance of losing the good coverage for him, so she stayed for a couple of years. During that time, she actually squirreled money and savings bonds away in her mother's name. The nice thing about savings bonds is that once they mature, they are actually worth more than what you paid for them. At the very least, they are worth what you paid for them. By the time she actually left him, she had enough squirreled away to build herself a nice little house in Florida.

Watch your credit cards. Make sure he's not spending tons of money on someone else. If necessary, put some kind of warning thing on your credit so it can't be tampered with too easily. Keep an eye on your credit reports...make sure he's not opening other accounts in your name.


Get anything with sentimental value out of your house. Now obviously he is going to notice if Grandma's china cabinet is missing but he might not notice Grandma's ring that she left you when she died is missing, unless he makes it a habit to look in your jewelry box. And I don't mean only things of monetary and sentimental value. I mean anything of sentimental value. If you have family photos that are precious to you, make copies of them, put them back wherever you keep that kind of stuff and keep the originals in your safety deposit box. I know one hates to think like this, but I have known people in divorce situations who have had 30 minutes by court order to go through their house and collect whatever personal items they might want. Divorce, if you get to that point, can be ugly.

 

[Colleen27]

Well sure, it depends on the situation. But to indicate that most women will be thrust into poverty? Every situation is different! Also, you dont know if the kids will be better off with the family together or not. It depends on whats going on in the marriage. As I said, every family is different. At the end of the day, I think we can agree that the couple should try their damn hardest to make it work. They both have to be serious about counselling and give it a fair chance.

Statistically, women and children see a sharp decline in standard of living following a divorce. And SAHMs tend to fare worse than those who had an established career prior to the separation. Of course not all will end up in poverty, but odds are pretty high that they also won't be able to provide the same quality of home, neighborhood, schools, the same activities and recreation the kids are accustomed to, the same support for college, etc. That isn't an argument for becoming a doormat and staying in a miserable situation, of course, but it is something to think about when the marriage is troubled but potentially fix-able.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Because if the guy isn't interested and has made that somewhat clear than how is a woman supposed to get it to happen?

That is the part where you try to work through this in counseling. OP has just started counseling so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

You see you are generalizing & I am speaking to this situation and the information that the OP provided.

Now if her DH said, I am never, ever going to have sex with again or I no longer love you at all, then OP has to decide her next step.

This is the purpose of counseling. You both lay it on the line and then decide your next steps.

OP sounds like she has a good plan in place.

She is trying to work with her spouse. If her spouse ends up not taking the OPs issues seriously, then all trust will be demolished and it will be the beginning of the end.

 

[luv2sleep]

Statistically, women and children see a sharp decline in standard of living following a divorce. And SAHMs tend to fare worse than those who had an established career prior to the separation. Of course not all will end up in poverty, but odds are pretty high that they also won't be able to provide the same quality of home, neighborhood, schools, the same activities and recreation the kids are accustomed to, the same support for college, etc. That isn't an argument for becoming a doormat and staying in a miserable situation, of course, but it is something to think about when the marriage is troubled but potentially fix-able.

Wow. I guess my perspective is completely different because I was the wage earner. I paid temporary alimony and had some other settlement payments but my socioeconomic status is intact. I stayed in my same house at my same job, etc. Could he that most married people going through divorce do not make as much or more than their husbands. Hence that statistic. That indeed makes it incredibly more challenging.

 

[luv2sleep]

That is the part where you try to work through this in counseling. OP has just started counseling so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

You see you are generalizing & I am speaking to this situation and the information that the OP provided.

Now if her DH said, I am never, ever going to have sex with again or I no longer love you all, then OP has to decide her next step.

This is the purpose of counseling. You both lay it on the line and then decide your next steps.

OP sounds like she has a good plan in place.

She is trying to work with her spouse. If her spouse ends up not taking the OPs issues seriously, then all trust will be demolished and it will be the beginning of the end.

Yes right there I was generalizing because, quite frankly, I don't know their situation and details in that department, nor should I. As you stated if one isn't taking the issues seriously then it's much more difficult. I hope it works out well for them and anyone struggling in their marriage.

 

[PizzieDuster]

So what I want to know is, is there anyone who has considered divorce or gone through with divorce and then regretted it?

OP, I divorced my ex 17 years ago. I don't regret it at all. I think I was single for 2 months. My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me and my sons. They love him very much and know what he has done for them. We then had a daughter together. Just celebrated our 15 year anniversary.

We have a wonderful relationship with my ex who ended up having to live with us for awhile. (Weird, I know.) I, thankfully, never had to deal with a stepmom for 15 years until now, but my boys are 20 and 23 ~ off to college.

My ex never did the every other week end, every other holiday. In fact, my ex was here at our home for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. He wouldn't even take them to dinner, but he sure showed up at their baseball/football games. That's when he was their 'dad'. When they are scoring touchdowns. When tuition bills came in, my husband was their dad.

My husband does family law. He often calls me after a bitter court hearing and says "I love you". Divorce can be ugly. Thankfully, mine was not so take that into consideration. We were just too young when we got married. I was like his mother. I, actually, would have had to pay him spousal support. Throughout the years, hubby could have taken him into court for child support increases. He never did. I had 100% custody. They never spent the night with him. In all the past 17 years, not one night with him which made me perfectly happy and I never pushed it.

IF I were to divorce my attorney husband, whew...we are talking accountant forensics for him, vocational counseling for me and all! We joke I have him by the balls (as I have been on a 15 year maternity leave)

You can always consult an attorney. Doesn't mean you are going through with it, but they have software and knowledge that would help you in letting you know what your options are and what amount of money you would get, etc. Once you bring in a forensic accountant, things get ugly for him but beneficial for you. (giggle, I think my husband is scared to death of a forensic accountant, hee)

Good luck to you. Please keep us updated

 

[SLCborn]

I realize that not all divorces/situations are like mine but my quality of life and my kids quality of life did not diminish. We still live in the same home they grew up in, they went to the same schools, kept the same friends and the same routines. My ex makes good money and is able to "supplement" what I don't bring in to keep all of our lives as normal as they were before with the exception of him not being here. We did mediation and our divorce was over and done in 3 hours. We act like adults, can get along, can be in the same room together. It's been hard on our kids in many ways but not the "stereotypical" ways that have been listed in this thread. I will always love my ex husband and be grateful of the times we had together and as a family.

 

[PizzieDuster]

Same here. We have two beautiful sons together and so proud of them.

 

[RadioNate]

Not all divorces end up like that but that's a pretty good worst case scenario. Divorces don't have to be costly if two people can be very amicable. Some use a paralegal or a family four mediator which is free. Lawyers truly are out for what they can get from you. My lawyer was fantastic. Kept all of my costs low. i spent less than $5K on my divorce. I had to pay some of his attorney's fees though so it was about $9K total. My ex and his first wife used a paralegal. All amicable and cheap. They sold their house and split the cash and decided on the rest.

I have a great career so I was ok. Kept my house, etc. Some SAHMs get hefty monthly support because the ex makes great $$. People remarry and have some help that way or live with family or have family close by to help. Lots of kids go through hard times with divorce. This can be the hardest part of divorce if the parents don't try hard to make it as easy on the kids as possible. However if one parent is bitter, angry and mean or really far away and doesn't make much effort like the pp's that makes things really hard on the kids.

I have a divorced friend with probably one of the worst ex's imaginable. He was an alcoholic and physically abusive while they were married and continued to be verbally and physically abusive during pick up and drop off for the kids. She finally got a restraining order against him but the courts would not change his visitation. She is way better off and happier without him and doesn't regret divorcing him even with all of the difficulty afterward. She immediately put her kids in counseling after the divorce and the kids are doing really well.

Life after divorce is not rosy but it can be better than being married. I too regret choosing the wrong person. Would have saved me time, money, and from the emotional drama.

Not at all a "worst case scenario" at all. My divorce was relatively amicable. My situation is pretty good compared to some of my friends.

I have friends w/ex's that are tens if thousands in arrears, ones w/lawyers on speed dial because they are constantly being dragged in & out of court.

When you are a SAHM w/children, divorce is vastly different that a childless breadwinner.

There is a whole spectrum between "amicable" and "bitter." I fought for what was fair and for what the law allowed. Had my ex gotten his way, he would have done the minimum & we would have been thrust into poverty. I make 1/5 of his salary. With his support our "take home" isn't equal (nor did I expect that) he lives off of about 2x what the kids & I do.

We are totally fine, not broke or in poverty but it is a lifestyle reduction for all of us, even him. I happily live in a home worth 1/2 of what my marital home was worth. He lives in an apartment while renting out the marital home that we can't sell.

But mostly, I wanted to speak to the life after divorce not the process itself.

It isn't all wine & romance. I have far less personal time than I did before. 3 years & my kids aren't ready for me to bring someone new into their lives. I also have real concerns about bringing another man into their world. At my age there are slim pickings in quality men. I see the guys that contact my friend through on line dating, etc. No way.

Only the OP knows her situation but I wanted to give her lots of angles to look at. I'm all for doing everything possible to salvage a marriage. Once that has been done the OP will need to decide what's best for her.

 

[RadioNate]

I realize that not all divorces/situations are like mine but my quality of life and my kids quality of life did not diminish. We still live in the same home they grew up in, they went to the same schools, kept the same friends and the same routines. My ex makes good money and is able to "supplement" what I don't bring in to keep all of our lives as normal as they were before with the exception of him not being here. We did mediation and our divorce was over and done in 3 hours. We act like adults, can get along, can be in the same room together. It's been hard on our kids in many ways but not the "stereotypical" ways that have been listed in this thread. I will always love my ex husband and be grateful of the times we had together and as a family.

My ex & I get along just fine & can "act like adults." When he visits the kids he stays in my home. In fact he is asleep in my finished basement right now! I do what's best for the kids.

A divorced friend & I went out last night. Not having a husband is like the least if what we were concerned about. We are both happy about not being with our ex's. It's the other stuff that is hard. Getting out as an adult, scheduling (& paying for) sitters, lots more logistics to work out w/no other adult in the house. I can't just run to the store or gym on a Saturday morning & leave the kids cuz dad is home. Little things like that you don't even think about.

Like I said, only the OP can decide for her but if she's wondering about regrets...it might not be time yet.

I didn't have a choice to divorce, he left, but I think had I been given one I would have waited until I knew I'd have no regrets in making that choice.

I don't regret the divorce, I regret that it came to that in the first place.

 

[luv2sleep]

Not at all a "worst case scenario" at all. My divorce was relatively amicable. My situation is pretty good compared to some of my friends.

I have friends w/ex's that are tens if thousands in arrears, ones w/lawyers on speed dial because they are constantly being dragged in & out of court.

When you are a SAHM w/children, divorce is vastly different that a childless breadwinner.

There is a whole spectrum between "amicable" and "bitter." I fought for what was fair and for what the law allowed. Had my ex gotten his way, he would have done the minimum & we would have been thrust into poverty. I make 1/5 of his salary. With his support our "take home" isn't equal (nor did I expect that) he lives off of about 2x what the kids & I do.

We are totally fine, not broke or in poverty but it is a lifestyle reduction for all of us, even him. I happily live in a home worth 1/2 of what my marital home was worth. He lives in an apartment while renting out the marital home that we can't sell.

But mostly, I wanted to speak to the life after divorce not the process itself.

It isn't all wine & romance. I have far less personal time than I did before. 3 years & my kids aren't ready for me to bring someone new into their lives. I also have real concerns about bringing another man into their world. At my age there are slim pickings in quality men. I see the guys that contact my friend through on line dating, etc. No way.

Only the OP knows her situation but I wanted to give her lots of angles to look at. I'm all for doing everything possible to salvage a marriage. Once that has been done the OP will need to decide what's best for her.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that your case was horrible.

I was the breadwinner and paying out thousands in alimony, splitting my 401K, and spending money on attorney fees (his and mine) was no picnic. I'm just glad it's over and that I didn't have to pay child suppprt. My son is with me full time.

I too have less free time as a single parent. My son is also not ready for me to date again. I'm also older and the picking are getting super slim! I just hope I can meet a great guy someday. Being single is definitely not easy but it's better than the alternative.

 

[SLCborn]

My ex & I get along just fine & can "act like adults." When he visits the kids he stays in my home. In fact he is asleep in my finished basement right now! I do what's best for the kids.

A divorced friend & I went out last night. Not having a husband is like the least if what we were concerned about. We are both happy about not being with our ex's. It's the other stuff that is hard. Getting out as an adult, scheduling (& paying for) sitters, lots more logistics to work out w/no other adult in the house. I can't just run to the store or gym on a Saturday morning & leave the kids cuz dad is home. Little things like that you don't even think about.

Like I said, only the OP can decide for her but if she's wondering about regrets...it might not be time yet.

I didn't have a choice to divorce, he left, but I think had I been given one I would have waited until I knew I'd have no regrets in making that choice.

I don't regret the divorce, I regret that it came to that in the first place.

I didn't mean you specifically. I was talking about people I know that cannot get along, cannot be adults, put the kids in the middle and still swear that their kids are better off. That's what I meant with my post.

As for going out my situation is different because my kids are almost 21, 18 and almost 15. I don't need a sitter to go do something, don't need to worry about leaving them home when I go to the store. Like you however I an really happy to be away from my ex husband too.

I didn't have a choice to divorce either. I was not working at the time, he walked in during the day while I was cleaning the bathroom, told me he didn't love me, hadn't loved me for a long time, cheated on me for the whole 20 years of our marriage in some capacity or another, was never going to go to counseling and wanted out. He walked in our master bedroom/bathroom and packed his stuff. Told me he'd be back at 6 to tell the kids he was leaving, got in his car, drove away and NEVER looked back. If I would have had the option I would have waited until our kids were out of school....but like you I did not. Therefore you do what you have to do and you keep moving forward in life.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I didn't have a choice to divorce either. I was not working at the time, he walked in during the day while I was cleaning the bathroom, told me he didn't love me, hadn't loved me for a long time, cheated on me for the whole 20 years of our marriage in some capacity or another, was never going to go to counseling and wanted out. He walked in our master bedroom/bathroom and packed his stuff. Told me he'd be back at 6 to tell the kids he was leaving, got in his car, drove away and NEVER looked back. If I would have had the option I would have waited until our kids were out of school....but like you I did not. Therefore you do what you have to do and you keep moving forward in life.

Oh wow. I see he was a sensitive son of a gun, huh?

 

[SLCborn]

Oh wow. I see he was a sensitive son of a gun, huh?

LOL at the time...NOPE!! He has since apologized for handling it the way he did however. Thankfully he is no longer my problem and his new wife gets to deal with him

 

[joeswife1109]

Not a bit. Incredibly glad I walked away...in the end I met the man I was destined to be with and now we have a little girl together and he is an incredible father to my now 12 year old autistic/ADHD son who is a very tough kid to parent.

My ex remarried, divorced, went to live with his parents and met another girl and now they are living together with her three kids. He can't get his life together...and he hates me because I have. I've done very well for myself.

It was tough to walk away...but I am so very very glad I did. Boy did I regret it for a very long time...then one day after years of crying I realized it was the best thing I could do. I'm happy, healthy and most importantly I found me.

 

[nuke]

My only regret was that I didn't do it sooner like as soon as I found out about the cheating and lying. It took me a full 9 months of pure hell to have enough self esteem to kick him out. I regret that a whole lot! I also regret my naivety at thinking he was such a great guy. Once he was gone and I picked apart the last 17 years of my life it wasn't all that great. About 5 months after he was gone I was driving to work and realized how wonderful it was not to be made fun of every day. Of course he thought he did it in a funny haha sort of way but it gets into your head and tears at your self worth.

It's not easy. I've probably had more bad days than good in the beginning but overall it's been 2 1/2 years since he left and I'm happy and my son is happy.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

My only regret was that I didn't do it sooner like as soon as I found out about the cheating and lying. It took me a full 9 months of pure hell to have enough self esteem to kick him out. I regret that a whole lot! I also regret my naivety at thinking he was such a great guy. Once he was gone and I picked apart the last 17 years of my life it wasn't all that great. About 5 months after he was gone I was driving to work and realized how wonderful it was not to be made fun of every day. Of course he thought he did it in a funny haha sort of way but it gets into your head and tears at your self worth.

It's not easy. I've probably had more bad days than good in the beginning but overall it's been 2 1/2 years since he left and I'm happy and my son is happy.

 

[Shmily1]

Do I regret getting divorced? Not a chance!! That may have been one of my best decisions ever! I had finally had enough of me doing everything and him doing nothing and spending all his money on stuff he wanted, not what we needed to survive, like food, diapers, and a house payment, so I put on my big girl panties and decided I could be broke and happy or broke and unhappy. FTR, broke and happy was soooo much better!!

OP, good luck to you with whatever you decide. It is not an easy road, not all rainbows and unicorns either way you go with it, but you have to decide what is best for you. It seems you've been doing what's best for him and your children instead of yourself, but as my friend says, "how's that working for ya?" Do what is best for you and the rest will follow. Also, if he sees you moving toward being your own person, he might just decide you are worth working for and decide to change his ways.