Anyone ever regret their divorce?

[anotherfakename]

I created this fake profile a while ago and this is only the second time I've ever used it, but my life is a whirlwind of stress right now and I don't have anyone to turn to.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10. We have two kids, who are in elementary school. We've been in a pleasant but sexless marriage for a while now. I have given 100% of my effort towards being the perfect wife but he works all the time and uses his free time to play video games and watch movies. The kids and I live our lives pretty much undisturbed. I don't work outside the home, but just manage the home, volunteer at the school, teach Sunday school, lead my kids' Scout troops, etc. It's a pretty comfortable life, especially since we have no job woes and have been steadily paying down our debt. I thought I could stay married for the sake of my kids, I really did; letting my kids be my life, not working, giving up on physical affection.

But my husband's been losing his temper with the kids lately and I forced him to go to counseling with me. At counseling, he was full of complaints about me and our marriage, despite me doing basically everything he asked and turning into a Donna Reed clone. And what's the point of staying married if both of you hate it?

It seems that anyone I try to talk about this with has a vested interest in me going one way or the other. My mother told me that I should be grateful my marriage is as good as it is, live in my big house, and keep my mouth shut. She also told me that if complain too much, I'll end up divorced "before I have time to think it through." The one friend I've talk to about it is divorced and she's painted a sunshine and rainbows picture about leaving your husband. She tells me that I'm not living an "authentic life" if I'm living without love.

So what I want to know is, is there anyone who has considered divorce or gone through with divorce and then regretted it? My fear is that the notion of divorce is tainting my thoughts of my husband negatively. We have committed to 6-12 months of counseling but I am not too optimistic. My husband just told me "I'm smarter than that counselor. He can't tell me anything I don't already know.", which doesn't bode well for learning new communication skills.

 

[Silly Little Pixie]

No advice, just

 

[WDW in Pearls]

I think deep down you already know what's best. Sending you all the good vibes in the world, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

[hereyago]

Hugs to you OP.

My situation was different from yours, but I do,not believe in staying for the sake of the kids. Kids aren't stupid, they catch on and could model after, so not a good example of what a healthy relationship is. It takes 2 for a marriage to work, it doesn't sound like it is working in respect to counseling.

I have no regrets. It wasn't easy at first, but I realized that I was stronger then I thought.

My ex just remarried and I am so glad that I didn't waste anymore time putting up with stuff that he still does.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

 

[kate_wdw]

Hugs to you! I can't directly answer your question, but here are my thoughts:

-Have you considered individual therapy to work out your thoughts about your marriage? This seems like an especially good option if your husband isn't interested or invested in therapy. Also, "giving 100% of [your] effort towards being the perfect wife" doesn't sound like it would be healthy for either you or your marriage.

-How long have you been in counseling? If it's the start of the counseling, I think it's to be somewhat expected that there will be an "airing of the grievances" stage. Also, I'd monitor whether your husband's opinion of your therapist changes once the therapy gets rolling. If he truly doesn't respect your therapist, I'd give some thought to or ask him about the type of therapist he could respect/work well with.

-I'd ask him if he thinks he's doing the things that he "knows" the counselor is going to recommend. If he isn't, why isn't he? (I'd ask this in a curious rather than an accusational way.)

-Given that you're contemplating the possibility of divorce, I'd try to get out in the workforce (in some capacity) ASAP. I could be off base here, but your having more in your life than your family/home life seems like it could be good for you and could also take pressure off your husband and change the dynamic of your marriage.

 

[ronandannette]

I created this fake profile a while ago and this is only the second time I've ever used it, but my life is a whirlwind of stress right now and I don't have anyone to turn to.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10. We have two kids, who are in elementary school. We've been in a pleasant but sexless marriage for a while now. I have given 100% of my effort towards being the perfect wife but he works all the time and uses his free time to play video games and watch movies. The kids and I live our lives pretty much undisturbed. I don't work outside the home, but just manage the home, volunteer at the school, teach Sunday school, lead my kids' Scout troops, etc. It's a pretty comfortable life, especially since we have no job woes and have been steadily paying down our debt. I thought I could stay married for the sake of my kids, I really did; letting my kids be my life, not working, giving up on physical affection.

But my husband's been losing his temper with the kids lately and I forced him to go to counseling with me. At counseling, he was full of complaints about me and our marriage, despite me doing basically everything he asked and turning into a Donna Reed clone. And what's the point of staying married if both of you hate it?

It seems that anyone I try to talk about this with has a vested interest in me going one way or the other. My mother told me that I should be grateful my marriage is as good as it is, live in my big house, and keep my mouth shut. She also told me that if complain too much, I'll end up divorced "before I have time to think it through." The one friend I've talk to about it is divorced and she's painted a sunshine and rainbows picture about leaving your husband. She tells me that I'm not living an "authentic life" if I'm living without love.

So what I want to know is, is there anyone who has considered divorce or gone through with divorce and then regretted it? My fear is that the notion of divorce is tainting my thoughts of my husband negatively. We have committed to 6-12 months of counseling but I am not too optimistic. My husband just told me "I'm smarter than that counselor. He can't tell me anything I don't already know.", which doesn't bode well for learning new communication skills.

Oh, I know this is such a hard situation, but it's early-going with the counsellor. All your long-suppressed thoughts and feelings are now out in the open and it feels like a crisis, but really nothing's changed except you are both beginning to be honest. That's the first step to being able to solve things and your counsellor will work through it all in due time INCLUDING you husbands attitude!

You are wise to recognize that entertaining the possibility of divorce makes it harder to stay. If you've truly committed to "trying" then put that option firmly on the shelf for 6 months. Firmly on the shelf as it may well get worse just before it starts to get better. I'd really recommend you find a trusted friend or pastoral person at your church to "get with" on your own for the times when your negative thoughts and feelings begin to overwhelm you.

As for your question, yes, my own DH very much regrets the breakup of his first family. They were both young, stupid and selfish and thought they "deserved" to be happier. Problem was that they had two little girls that really DID deserve better, namely a set of parents that put their best interests first. Years of acrimony, various other partners and the lack of time spent together robbed them all. His girls are adults now but the baggage is undeniable. (And while this is a very secondary consideration, neither DH or his Ex have to this day attained the level of financial security they would have had if they'd stayed together and built on what they started.)

DH and I have been married for 17 years now (divorce happened 10 years before we met) and have a DS of our own. Seeing the consequences first hand it would take a CATASTROPHIC and irreparable betrayal for either one of us to even consider doing that to him. Our day to day level of "happiness" ebbs and flows; we ride out the rough spots and better times always come around sooner or later. We're proud of the life and family our perseverance has built. And yes, we have sought out both pastoral and professional counselling on more than one occasion.

I hope this gives you a little "food for thought". Unlike your Mom and your friends I have no stake in your future but I certainly wish you all the best.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So what I want to know is, is there anyone who has considered divorce or gone through with divorce and then regretted it?

I will be very brief. I remember when my sister was going through her divorce, reading (in a book I bought her) that most people regret not trying harder to make their marriages work. IIR the reasons cited were that often, the same problems crop up in subsequent marriages, life doesn't always get "better" (especially for the woman), and divorce rates are higher for second marriages. (As I said, IIR. I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong.)

May I ask, besides the obvious what does your husband want out of his marriage to you (that he' not getting)?

 

[aaarcher86]

My aunt divorced my uncle and after about a year she regretted it. Life after marriage wasn't as breezy as she thought.


Your situation is completely different though. I'm not a fan of living in an unhappy marriage for the sake of kids. They usually suffer more in that kind of marriage, IMO. I don't think it'd be easy but if you know the tough road ahead and are willing to take it then it is worth it after trying all your outlets to make it work.

Good luck. It won't be easy either way.

 

[NFLDERS]

Wish you the best with, whatever you decide. The one thing you have to remember though, is you are not "just" a stay at home mom, homemaker, volunteer, etc. as you stated. You are 'just" as valuable as, your works away from home spouse.

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

What would you do to support yourself and your kids if you did divorce? Child support or even alimony would never be enough to support yourself with. You would have to go back to work.

What did you do before you decided to be a SAHM?

I am sure you have thought about all this. But I just wanted to give you something else to think about.

What is it your husband is so unhappy about? If my husband were unhappy right now I would never know. I guess if we went to counseling he might unload a whole bunch of crap he doesn't like about me too.

But to answer your initial question... I divorced my first husband and it was hell going through the divorce because he didn't want the divorce and he tormented me and stalked me. He was a real winner. And I am SO GLAD I stuck it out and went through with the divorce because I was so unhappy with him. I didn't even like him anymore by the time we divorced and I sure didn't want anything to do with him in an intimate way.

I am married to my second husband now and very happy. I am a SAHM for the first time in my life and my kids are tweens. We have been married 7 years and have never discussed divorce. We don't even argue. He is so easy to get along with.

If I had stayed in my first unhappy marriage I never would have met my current husband.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I'm not going to answer your question..its all a marriage by marriage situation I will give some advice though, maybe it will help

Stop talking to your mother Stop talking to your "everything is greener on the other side " divorced friend START talking to your husband cut back on your volunteering and ask him to spend some alone time with you, out of house, away from kids, video games, and movies Talk to each other see what you both want and try to figure out a way to get it FWIW if both of you are willing you can start over with each other & save this

 

[aaarcher86]

What would you do to support yourself and your kids if you did divorce? Child support or even alimony would never be enough to support yourself with. You would have to go back to work.

What did you do before you decided to be a SAHM?

I am sure you have thought about all this. But I just wanted to give you something else to think about.

What is it your husband is so unhappy about? If my husband were unhappy right now I would never know. I guess if we went to counseling he might unload a whole bunch of crap he doesn't like about me too.

But to answer your initial question... I divorced my first husband and it was hell going through the divorce because he didn't want the divorce and he tormented me and stalked me. He was a real winner. And I am SO GLAD I stuck it out and went through with the divorce because I was so unhappy with him. I didn't even like him anymore by the time we divorced and I sure didn't want anything to do with him in an intimate way.

I am married to my second husband now and very happy. I am a SAHM for the first time in my life and my kids are tweens. We have been married 7 years and have never discussed divorce. We don't even argue. He is so easy to get along with.

If I had stayed in my first unhappy marriage I never would have met my current husband.

Depends on the income level. My cousin gets about $5000 a month for support and alimony. I could easily work with that, although I'd still recommend a career and self sustaining income.

 

[momto3gr8boys]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't really answer your question, but I can tell you this: you and your husband both deserve happiness. Your kids deserve happy parents who are able to focus on attending to their needs. And your kids deserve to grow up in stability with examples of healthy, loving relationships around them.

Whether this can be achieved with you remaining married or not is only something you and your husband can answer. There are many ways to get to the answers, but they will all require a lot of work and dedication. As some PPs have said, you both need to commit to spending more time together, communicating with each other to really find what you want. Your married friends will push for you to reconcile, your single or divorced friends will show you greener grass. But ultimately you and your husband are the only two who will be able to work towards a solution, whatever that may be.

Good luck and hugs for these difficult times.

Sent from my iPad using DISBoards

 

[1Mouse2RulethemAll]

I am going to be slightly crass here, but it sounds like you and your DH need to work on the physical aspects, too. Certain "activities" reduce stress.


Posted from DISboards.com App for Android

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I created this fake profile a while ago and this is only the second time I've ever used it, but my life is a whirlwind of stress right now and I don't have anyone to turn to.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10. We have two kids, who are in elementary school. We've been in a pleasant but sexless marriage for a while now. I have given 100% of my effort towards being the perfect wife but he works all the time and uses his free time to play video games and watch movies. The kids and I live our lives pretty much undisturbed. I don't work outside the home, but just manage the home, volunteer at the school, teach Sunday school, lead my kids' Scout troops, etc. It's a pretty comfortable life, especially since we have no job woes and have been steadily paying down our debt. I thought I could stay married for the sake of my kids, I really did; letting my kids be my life, not working, giving up on physical affection.

But my husband's been losing his temper with the kids lately and I forced him to go to counseling with me. At counseling, he was full of complaints about me and our marriage, despite me doing basically everything he asked and turning into a Donna Reed clone. And what's the point of staying married if both of you hate it?

It seems that anyone I try to talk about this with has a vested interest in me going one way or the other. My mother told me that I should be grateful my marriage is as good as it is, live in my big house, and keep my mouth shut. She also told me that if complain too much, I'll end up divorced "before I have time to think it through." The one friend I've talk to about it is divorced and she's painted a sunshine and rainbows picture about leaving your husband. She tells me that I'm not living an "authentic life" if I'm living without love.

So what I want to know is, is there anyone who has considered divorce or gone through with divorce and then regretted it? My fear is that the notion of divorce is tainting my thoughts of my husband negatively. We have committed to 6-12 months of counseling but I am not too optimistic. My husband just told me "I'm smarter than that counselor. He can't tell me anything I don't already know.", which doesn't bode well for learning new communication skills.

The purpose of counseling for YOU is to find out what is "truth" together and whether you can live with this new found truth. I am sure it is scary for all of you.

I don't think divorce is "tainting" your thoughts. You are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. Entertaining divorce would be a normal reaction to your situation.

The thing is that you have to come clean with each other.

The fear you have is that if you tell your dh you want divorce he might be 100% agreeable and then you cannot unring that bell.

I would suspect a man living in a loveless, sexless marriage is probably thinking divorce as well.

So what should you do?

I would suggest giving up the volunteering and go to work full time. Stop putting 100% focus on the kids and start focusing on yourself.

I would seek counseling alone without your dh too.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I dont regret my divorce one bit. Was it hard? Oh hell ya. Very hard. Many times I second guessed my decision. But I know now it was the best move for my son and I. It was not a healthy environment for neither of us. Its very normal to feel regret after your divorce. Trust me. You will feel a wide range of emotions. I went from relief to regret to anger to relief to regret and anger again. Its quite a rollercoaster. But it does get better.

Your DH mocks counselling just like my ex did. He too thought he was smarter than the therapist and thought the whole thing was a joke. Never took it seriously. How is counselling going to work if he doesnt even give it a fair shot?

Only you can decide whats best for you and your children. I would honestly continue with counselling and perhaps get individual therapy as well. Try that for a while. You have to give your marriage 200% before making any decisions. That way if you do split at least you can say you truly tried your best.

Btw I would definitely schedule some date nights for the two of you. And I agree with pp about going to work. At least parttime!!! You need to think about how you will support yourself and the kids if you do split.

Good luck.

 

[SLCborn]

In a word...NO.... but, my ex had already made up his mind and it was a done deal. He wouldn't agree to counseling or anything he just wanted OUT! Has it been hard?? Oh hell yeah but now....FOR ME (not our kids) it's been a good thing. It's been awful for our kids!! The older ones figured out that he cheated on me and that's been devastating for them especially our daughter who now has no trust in men. It's been less devastating for our younger kids. They still see their dad, go with him, are ok he's remarried.

I think no matter why it happens it's hard at first for sure!!! I am also a firm believer of not staying married for the kids. Good luck!! I hope you make the right decision for you and your children!! The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence...the weeds are just a different kind.

 

[MickeySP]

Nope but since he actually tried to kill me I am pretty sure I made the right decision.

 

[MomofIndigo]

Coming from parents who stayed together because of my sister and brother and I...dont do it (if you cannot work it out with DH). I was 19 when my parents divorced. They should have done way before that and it took me a very long time not to feel guilty. I did not have a happy childhood. Something was missing and we knew something was wrong but not until we were older did we figure it out. Then we were just sad then guilty after everything blew over.

I agree with everyone else. Try more than 100%, try 200% (like what someone else said). Go out alone together. Try playing video games with him after the kids go to bed. Seek personal counseling too all the above of what ppl have said.

Big hug for you. I hope the best for you.

 

[jodifla]

You both owe it to your children to try to make your marriage work. Divorce is emotionally and financially devastating for families, and women and children are almost always the ones that suffer.