Anyone else watch Dr. Phil today?

[totalia]

tonyswife

There was nothing condescending about it. Though apparently you decided to take it that way. Up to you of course.

Beth76

Now thats interesting. You think that your job is for your employer? If I didn't work, I'd feel lost. I'm not working for my employer, I'm working for me. If I wanted to leave tomorrow, I could and get another job as I see fit. Just because you work, doesn't mean your working for your employer. Your working for yourself. Your working to take some of the weight of supporting the family off your SO. Your working for your own career and to say that you did something during the day other than take care of your children.

I get enormous satisfaction from going to work and when I get paid, that I did it. I get satisfaction from accomplishing the tasks set to me well. They are MY tasks, things I did for myself.

I'm not saying that you should give up on your kids. I'm saying that a well rounded life is better. That way your kids get the best of you and YOU get the best of you. I'm also not saying work full time but at least part time would help both you and your SO.

As for the welfare thing, again, the difference is where the money comes from. Just because she's on welfare doesn't make her bad mother.

And again, I haven't put down your decision not to work. I'm a very blunt person and I say EXACTLY what I mean even if it ticks other people off. If I were putting down your decision not to work I'd be telling you how stupid you are in no uncertain terms.

Again, I'm saying that you should do other things besides just deal with your kids and the things involved with them to be who YOU are NOT "The Kids Mom".

 

[Jenn Lynn]

But your idea of "things" is to go to work. I don't want to OR need to. My DH is not weighed down by financial responsibility. I actually like the fact that if we needed more money I COULD go to work. Not we need more money so one of us better take a 2nd job.

Frankly, I don't think you will ever understand the satisfaction of being a SAHM. Your first 2 paragraphs to Beth about working is how I feel about being a SAHM.

 

[tonyswife]

So, Totalia, if you lose your job, will you lose yourself? It's wrong for any person to get their entire self-worth from ONE aspect of their lives. Balance in life comes from something far deeper than work status.

 

[totalia]

*sighs* You know what? I give up. You win. I don't want to argue it anymore.

 

[Hannahsmom]

Wow! Way too much to reply to!

First - My husband respects me for everything I do for our family. He is proud that I stay home with our daughter. He also does not work harder so I can stay home, he is blessed with a great job. He is able to focus on work when at work because my job is to handle everything at home. And I like my job and I really love my boss!

Second - I do not and will not regret anything. Totalia-how did you feel as a child having your mom involved in all the activities around you? Secure? Have you ever seen the look on a child's face when her Mom is not able to come to the Mother's Day Tea at preschool? How about when they forget to pack the Halloween costume for the party because they are too busy? I used to work in Day Care (everything from a Teacher to the Director) My center was a great center, not filthy. But it would break my heart to see the effects of busy parents had on their children. Now,I AM NOT GENERALIZING , I am sharing my experiences in what helped make my decision to stay home. Not to mention I was miserable working. I hated spending my weekends doing everything that needed to be done (laundry, errands, cleaning, etc.) Now work is done throughout the week, so when my husbands home on the weekends we enjoy our time together.

Third - Bitter and jealous? Nope. Not me. Been there done that. See above.

Fourth - I don't forget myself. I don't have my nails done because I would rather spend my money in other ways (like WDW), I shower every day in the morning, my clothes even match. I do what I want and I don't feel that I am missing anything.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Toodles!

 

[Beth76]

Originally posted by totalia
Beth76

Now thats interesting. You think that your job is for your employer? If I didn't work, I'd feel lost. I'm not working for my employer, I'm working for me. If I wanted to leave tomorrow, I could and get another job as I see fit. Just because you work, doesn't mean your working for your employer. Your working for yourself. Your working to take some of the weight of supporting the family off your SO. Your working for your own career and to say that you did something during the day other than take care of your children.

I get enormous satisfaction from going to work and when I get paid, that I did it. I get satisfaction from accomplishing the tasks set to me well. They are MY tasks, things I did for myself.


And again, I haven't put down your decision not to work. Again, I'm saying that you should do other things besides just deal with your kids and the things involved with them to be who YOU are NOT "The Kids Mom".

Hopefully I can be done with the thread now.

Totalia, it sounds like you enjoy your work. I'm glad that you have a career that you enjoy. You get a great feeling of accomplishment when you complete your tasks. But, the work that you do ultimately benefits your employer. The work I do benefits my "employer', my family. And I enjoy it too. Well, OK, not all the house-cleaning

And you say that you haven't put down my decision not to work when, in fact, that is exactly what you are doing on this thread. You compared to me to a single, teen mother who lives off welfare. If that's not a put-down, I don't know what is. You told someone else that her husband was lying to her and that he didn't respect her. That sounds like another put down. You have repeatedly told us that we don't do anything for ourselves. We keep telling you that we do, but you're not listening (ok, reading).

I'm done arguing this point with you. I'm sorry that you feel that you have to rip on all the SAHMs of this board. I don't know what is causing this resentment you feel towards us. It seems that you are happy with your career and your family. If that's true then, you should be happy they we, too, are happy.

Can't we all just be happy? This is the Disney Board, after all!!!!

 

[m&m's mom]

My career is an Acct Mgr. Basically I do programming and support for our companies largest clients. I purposely stayed in a job and got the seniority that allowed me to be in a position I could work the hours I wanted when I had kids. That was not easy but my DH and I found it very important to BOTH raise our children. My DH owns his own business so, agin, he chose something that would give him flexibilty. None of our choices came easy. It took a lot of work on both of our sides before we had children to get set up the eay we wanted.
My DS is a multi specialist Dr and so is her DH. Believe me her DH was attracted to an equal in the medical field. He, as my DH love having professional wives and happy families. NOT mutually exclusive.
My DB's on the other hand both have SAHM for wives. Their choice for their family was different. We were reaised by a strong working DM who taught us to be independent and strong. That is why my DSis and I cannot imagine not working.
As far as the neighbors, I was trying to be nice. They tell me at least a couple of times a week they wish their DH's were home so they could get some w/out the kids. I have noticed that the WM's families all do things together (trips on the weekend to Home Depot etc) where the SAHM's send the kids off w/ the Dads so they can have time w/out the kids.
In stand by the fact that we spend more time together as a family than most.
Also, it is so funny that SAHM's assume that us WM's need the money. It is insulting to me that the assumption is made if you work you must need the money. My paycheck is for whatever we decide. Not bills or groceries. If it is my DH's birthday I am going to spend my money to buy him a gift.
Now "totalia" is holding up our side pretty well so I am going shopping w/ DD.

 

[momof2inPA]

Originally posted by m&m's mom
They tell me at least a couple of times a week they wish their DH's were home so they could get some w/out the kids.

Ba ha ha ha. Do you tell them, that's a little bit tmi?

 

[tonyswife]

I think it's great you have a lot of family time and that you are happy with your life. I find it interesting that you can't manage to do so without insulting your neighbors and implying that you know you're happier than they are because you made a "better" choice than they did.

I'm a SAHM, I love it, and I wouldn't do it any other way. We have a lot of family time too. I don't feel like I'm in a competition with my neighbors, so I don't know if I have "more" family time than they do. I know we are happy not because I'm a SAHM, but because we have a lot of love and respect for eachother, common goals and values and a strong sense of family. This would all be true, even if I went back to work.

I feel sorry that you cannot acknowledge that your neighbors made just as valid of a choice as you did and that you have to keep implying that you are superior. So sad.

 

[momof2inPA]

Originally posted by m&m's mom
My DB's on the other hand both have SAHM for wives. Their choice for their family was different.

Do you make your disdain for your brothers' choices known? That would make for fun, close family times I sure.

My sisters all work and raise their children beautifully. They have found very nice daycare situations, and I fully support their choices. I choose differently.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Originally posted by m&m's mom
My DB's on the other hand both have SAHM for wives. Their choice for their family was different. We were reaised by a strong working DM who taught us to be independent and strong. That is why my DSis and I cannot imagine not working.

Maybe your DB have SAHM's for wives because they missed their Mom being home for them and they want that for their children.

I am a strong SAHM and I am raising my DD to be independent and strong. She can choose whatever she wants to be:work or SAH. Whatever works for her future family.

 

[mtemm]

Originally posted by totalia
Let me ask you this.... how would you feel in your husbands place? You are expected to work long hours to make enough money to pay all the bills. You can't spend time with the kids because your SO wants to stay home and take care of the children and most of the money and time that you could be spent doing something else goes to working. Then you come home and its either too late to spend time with the children your SO gets to see every single day or they don't know you at all because your never there and so they don't want to spend time with you save for maybe your SO.

So, your husband needs to go to work. While you get to stay home and be part of all these firsts for your child, he gets to see and be part of very little of it.

Perhaps in the beginning he will agree with you. But how would you feel in his place after you've been doing that for years? You got to miss almost everything because you were working while your SO got to be part of it all. You got to miss the first word, when they first crawled, their violin recitals, first football game, and even first boyfriend/girlfriend, because you had to spend your time working in order to make enough money to support them and all their hobby's and needs because your SO thought it better to stay home? How would you feel?

If I were a man, I'd be livid about the inequality of it.

okay, I've stayed out of this because I just don't see the point...I am happy with my decision to be a SAHM. I respect my friends and relatives who choose to SAH or to WOH. As far as I know the animosity on this show and on this thread don't affect my life.

I had to laugh at this, though. no disrespect intended. I read it to my dh to ask him his opinion. when he got up off the floor he said it pretty well...he's thrilled that I stay home with the kids. He's THRILLED that he gets to go to work every day. He respects those who stay home, either SAHM's or SAHD's and acknowledges that it is not his calling at all...couldn't deal with it. far from livid about the inequality of it, he's happy that as a couple we made the decision and he feels honestly that he got the best end of the deal...he gets to go to work, with the knowledge that his kids are well cared for, where we don't have to worry who will stay home if one gets sick, etc.

note that this is not to say that kids in daycare aren't well cared for, the vast majority are.

one other note from my own perspective. When I was younger I never expected to be a SAHM...I remember vehemently thinking I never wanted to be one. Then I had kids. funny how things can change. never say never, right?

 

[shortbun]

You guys are not being fair to each other. It takes all sorts of
people/moms to make life work. Some moms volunteer in the
classroom, babysit to make ends meet, manage a household and are there to meet the bus. Others make it to
all the events, escort an occassional field trip, pick their children
up at latchkey with a smile and a big hug after stimulating the
economy or safely transporting the children to and from schoo) me). Why fight about who's life is better, who's making a bigger
contribution, who's happier. We(most of us) are lucky and can
choose, for the most part, what we do and how we do it. We should be supporting each other, giving each other pats on the
back and smiles and hugs so that our lives continue to run the
way we want them and we have wonderful friends who are really interested in how we do laundry OR how many patients we
saw that day. I have friends in all places, of all ages. We have
regular love fests and that's the way it should be. Let's find
some benevolence here and make less judgements. K?
You are obviously ALL passionate mothers or you would not
be posting on this thread. Really!

 

[DisKim]

I saw the show and I thought that ignorant comments were made on both sides. One thing that bothered me was the fact that the issue of "having to work" did not come up. It was assumed that all working moms work because they want to. I think that's hardly the case. I tried to stay home and we just could not make it financially. I work now because I have to but I don't want to. I was very upset that wasn't brought up. I respect SAHM's and the sacrifices they make and I wish I could do it, but I can't if I want to pay the bills. I don't understand all of the animosity on both sides. We're all mothers and want what is best for our children whether we work or not. "Can't we all just get along?" Sorry, I just couldn't stop myself from putting in the Rodney King quote.

 

[huey duey & luey]

Originally posted by totalia


So, your husband needs to go to work. While you get to stay home and be part of all these firsts for your child, he gets to see and be part of very little of it

Perhaps in the beginning he will agree with you. But how would you feel in his place after you've been doing that for years? You got to miss almost everything because you were working while your SO got to be part of it all. You got to miss the first word, when they first crawled, their violin recitals, first football game, and even first boyfriend/girlfriend, because you had to spend your time working in order to make enough money to support them and all their hobby's and needs because your SO thought it better to stay home? How would you feel?

If I were a man, I'd be livid about the inequality of it.

Are you kidding me? If I were a man I would be happy that my children had at least 1 parent who was able to share these special days. I am sorry your rational sounds like a bunch of junk. You stated in a previous post that you work because YOU can not stay home, You would feel like you lost a part of yourself, that doesnt sound like you are going to work for your dh benefit sounds moe like it is for your benefit. If you choose to work for yourself, that is fine and that is your choice, but please dont tell us how our husbands are going to be resentful of us. My dh went back to school for a year full time and I supported him. I am not resentful I am happy that I was there to support him so he could fulfill his needs.
Tara

 

[RitaZ.]

The argument between SAHMs and WMs will never be settled as long as women choose to tear down and criticize one another. Women are very critical of each other, as shown in this thread and in real life, and IMO it's sad.

IMHO, if a woman is truly comfortable and confident with the choice that SHE has made for herself and her family, there is no reason to have to explain it and convince others that it was the "right" choice or that there is a "smarter/better" choice.

Most moms really want to do the best for the families, there are pros and cons to either decision and we ALL know that. Other than wanting to make ourselves feel superior and to perpetuate the notion that we have to be "perfect" moms/women, I don't see anything constructive/positive to come from these "debates" that set SAHMs against WMs.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

___________________________________________________

For the stay at home mom's, I really hope you don't look back on your life after your kids are gone with regret. You gave up everything to take care of them, including yourself. What will you do when they really are gone and moved out of the house?

Totalia -

it is interesting that your tag line says "I would give up everything for one kiss from Brad Pitt"

also - you say that my husband should resent me for staying home - I can't tell you how many times a day he thanks me for being home with my kids and that he has no idea how I do it

I really don't understand why it bother's you so much that I choose to be a SAHM - I think we should all do what we want

sounds to me like you are bitter with your mom for telling you she regrets staying home with you and that maybe deep down you might be a little jealous that we are satisfied with our decisions!!!

 

[huey duey & luey]

Originally posted by totalia
[BFor the stay at home mom's, I really hope you don't look back on your life after your kids are gone with regret. You gave up everything to take care of them, including yourself. What will you do when they really are gone and moved out of the house?]

I'm going to Disneyworld
I wont need to worry about silly things like vacation days. I can go for as long as I like.
Tara

 

[mom2alix]

Originally posted by totalia
Bitter?

Hmm, from the posts it seems almost like the SAHM are trying to say that the WM made the wrong choice and almost talking down to them for it.

I went back and reread this thread to see what you are talking about and I guess I'm dense, but I just don't see it. There was one comment from a mom about raising her child rather than having them in daycare that clearly upset the next poster, but when read in context I don't think was really meant to put down WM. This was also the only place I saw where "filthy day care" was mentioned and the poster who brought it up mentioned that this was said on Dr. Phil and she DISAGREED with it.

I see post after post here from SAHM who say they enjoy what they are doing and respect women who work and raise kids too, but that's not their chioice. Then I see several insulting posts from WM who imply that SAHM are "boring", less respected by their husbands, and taking advantage of their SO.

I would really (sincerely) like for you to point out for me where someone is saying that you made the wrong choice by working and is talking down to you. I am honestly not seeing it and I think it is possible you are taking something some has said in the wrong way.

What I think most SAHM have been saying is work if that is what makes you feel happy and fulfilled, but please accept that I'm happy at home with my kids and that doesn't make me boring and lazy.