Anyone else have this little problem?

[StephMK]

This is a really interesting thread. As a mom (DD 10) who is about to be slipping her toes the OP's shoes, no amount of good parenting is going to prevent all bad behaviors in the pre-teen/teen group. Some of the responses have been a little harsh, IMO.

Remember the age. Unless she directly knows someone who has a harness, there's no reason she'd think through the reasons that someone might use one. All she needs is some teaching on why people might have one - which it sounds like OP is perfectly willing to do. At her age, most kids believe their opinions are worth hearing & everything they say is important. I don't think that's a sign of bad parenting, just part of the growing up process and how they form their values. Personally, while I'd fuss about the public comment and the term slut - I'd be happy to hear my DD wasn't going to copy the style of dress.

The only thing wrong is she just needs to keep the comments quiet- which OP recognizes. I don't think 12 is any less entitled to their opinions, but as with anyone else, they just need to keep quiet. OP is working on that. I would hope if my DD makes a rude comment in public and someone calls her on it, they would explain & be upset w/her but berating is going a little far at that age, imo.

 

[RoyalCanadian]

Originally posted by The Sweetness
My DD 12 has recently developed some fairly strong opinions about certain behaviors and other choices made by others people we see in public places. The things that make her the most likely to say something inappropriate are~

1~ A small child on a leash (the velcro kind) or any child getting spanked or smacked (DD once told someone as we walked by them "Leashes are for dogs, not people"

Your DD, or anyone for that matter who told me how I should be trying to contain my own DD, would get a blast from me -- and DW loves to watch me blast others. (banks, telemarketers, Jehovah Witnesses) It seems your DD thinks she's fairly hot stuff when it comes to keeping an eye on children and controlling their wandering ways. To get a good idea as to what it is really like to hold on to a young child, I would suggest she try to hold on to 1 lb. of jello in a mesh onion bag.

To parents who have found that leashes are good for keeping their children within safe reach, I applaud your decision and support you 100%.

 

[DWhittles]

and DW loves to watch me blast others

Do you run into a great deal of people who critize you in a passive aggressive manner?
Bear in mind too the age of the person making the comments...She's twelve.
Diana

 

[eeyore kelly]

I do NOT agree with an adult "blasting" a 12 yr. old.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Why is it ok for a 12 year old to make nasty, rude comments to/about adults, but it's not ok for the adults to respond?

If you're going to make comments about people, you had better be ready to deal with the back lash.

I can understand a 3 or 5 year old doing this. A 12 year old doing this is just asking for trouble.

 

[eeyore kelly]

I think Sweetness' DD is just a tween-teen feeling her oats. That's what that age is all about. I work with kids that age at school, in Scouts, DS's friends, etc. I find letting them know you don't approve, setting boundries, and modeling good behavior works much better than doling out "backlash".

As a mother of a tween who sometimes "opens mouth and inserts foot", it is my job to correct him. It is not anyone elses job to "blast" him, or give him a dose of backlash.

 

[DWhittles]

Originally posted by eeyore kelly
I do NOT agree with an adult "blasting" a 12 yr. old.

I agree that if you are insulted, say something but I the response to a 12 year old shouldn't be the same as to an adult.
A 12 year old is really still a kid. Anyone here remember when THEY were 12? I cringe when I think of some of the stupid stuff I did and said at age 12. I remember being with friends and yelling at some poor little old lady for not moving down a NYC sidewalk fast enough. AWFUL behavoir for any age but I was a kid...
You can't go screaming at a 12 year old because I'm almost sure you will make the kid cry and ruin the trip or at least the day for them.
That and then you will have a super pissed off set of parents to deal with for screaming at their kid. (usually)

 

[RoyalCanadian]

Originally posted by DWhittles
I agree that if you are insulted, say something but I the response to a 12 year old shouldn't be the same as to an adult.
A 12 year old is really still a kid. Anyone here remember when THEY were 12?
<SNIP>

You can't go screaming at a 12 year old because I'm almost sure you will make the kid cry and ruin the trip or at least the day for them.
That and then you will have a super pissed off set of parents to deal with for screaming at their kid. (usually)

A 12 year old is old enough to accept responsibility for the actions they take -- including the response that an adult will give to them for inappropriate comments that 12 year old has made. If they can't accept responsibility for what they have said, then perhaps they need to reconsider what they have said.

I'm not about to go screaming at anyone. My blasts are very controlled -- giving the banks who charge me hundreds of dollars for paying off my mortgage on time, credit card companies offering me $100,000 worth of debt potential, and Jehovah Witnesses who try to spread their lies just enough rope to hang themselves. Passive aggressive it may be -- but still fun to watch them hoisted upon their own petard. The joy of hearing a telemarketer stammer is akin to winning Olympic Gold -- try it and see what glee you too can receive when the telemarketer gets lost on their script. I would be only too glad to add a 12-year old to that list if that 12-year old didn't have the good sense to keep her judgemental opinions about others to herself or otherwise suitably contained.

If that ruins her day at WDW, too bad. Her right to unassailable happiness at Disney World ended when she opened her mouth and made inappropriate criticisms of others that hold the potential to ruin the days of others. If it alarms the parents, then perhaps their eyes might be opened to the inappropriatess of their child's audible editorial comments.

 

[DWhittles]

Neil, I wasn't saying YOU are passive agressive. Quite the opposite it seems! I was saying the action of the offender is passive agressive.
I'm all for hanging telemarkerters out to dry or calling the bank teller or manager on an error, but I think with a kid you need a different approach.
I've said in a previous post that if the day comes when my little guy decides to push his limits and voice his opinions, I'm going to allow him to take the heat for it. No hiding behind mom's skirts.
I just think with a kid, the ACT of you saying something is enough to embarass them into not doing it again most of the time.
A 12 year old kid is still learning about cause and effect. They are in the process of figuring out who they are and likes and dislikes.

I also think the response should be dictated by what was said. If it's a comment about baby harnesses, then I think an educational answer is in order. Tell her WHY you use one and what the purpose is. Chances are the kid hasn't seen such a thing and the natural response is that it DOES look like a dog harness.
If it's a snide comment about an outfit, then I think a comment about personal choices (short and sweet) is in order but I don't ever think fighting fire with fire is a good idea with a kid.

 

[DWhittles]

Oh and Neil,
I'd love a full report when you get back from Disneyland Paris...that's my dream desitination...
Diana

 

[eeyore kelly]

If my child is with me, and he makes a judgemental comment about anyone else, I feel that it is my job as his parent to correct him. If the person the comment was made about turned around and addressed him, I would be astounded. I would just keep walking (very very fast).

I feel that I know my child better than anyone (and I don't see the imp through rose colored glasses), therefore I can tailor a talk punishment etc to do the child the most good (make him the most miserable--sp?). Also, when I sat him down to talk about good judgement vs. bad judgement, the person who tried to address it would be one of my examples of bad judgement.

I think asking a teen-tween who has used bad judgement, "Where are your parents, Sweetie, I'm sure they would love to hear what you just said." with a smile is more than enough to make their stomach drop to their feet and help them rethink the next time they want to make a comment.

 

[Carrie Ellis]

But what it boils down to is RESPECT. I can understand once... that is called a learning experience but after that it is a problem.

I am 34 and never would it have crossed my mind to say anything negative toward an adult when I was a kid. I see a lot of disrespect up and down our street from kids these days. It is like they "own" the street and they "own" the house and sometimes like they "own" the world.

I know what it is like to be a kid it has not been that long! 11 year olds these days know what I knew at 15/16. So I really feel like 12 is not too young to know better.

Respect!

 

[memymomonica]

Originally posted by Carrie Ellis
I think you flamed yourself!

As far as the harness thing...how do you think a child feels about being locked down in a car seat? esp for hours? Or how about a crib? Is that too cage like? Or how about a fenced in play area? too dog like?

The parent who is not protecting their child somehow will be the first to get charged if the police has to take action. Yet get "the look" or a "comment" if they are using protective devices. Basically there is no win for loosing.

I have had two pregnancies and 4 children. The pregnancies were my choice for not the two at a time.

I have never used a harness, my daughter knew that if it was important that she hold my hand, she held my hand or we didn't do the activity. She was in a car seat because it is the law, not a choice. Our yard is not fenced. If she is outside, I am outside. I think the most "protective device" there is, is an attentive parent.

I assume that you chose to have children and knew that there is always a chance of multiples.

To each his own, but I think that parents sometimes rely on things to make their lives easier too much. I think a harness for an 11 year old is extreme. Unless there are some circumstances that weren't mentioned, I don't understand it. If the rule is "You must hold my hand" why not make sure that the rule is followed and not just give in. There are rules and when rules are broken, there are consequences.

I get tired of hearing parents say "I'm not going to tell you again" over and over instead of actually following through.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This has been an interesting topic.

I remember well the days of having harnesses on each of my twins when I was alone with them. They were Houdinis in the stroller and so quick they would disappear in different directions. I got dirty looks and comments from teens AND adults but I really couldn't have cared less what anyone thought - I knew my children. Of course my preference would have been to not have to use harnesses at all, but no question it was that or potential tragedy.

I also couldn't help but think of a former coworker. She was on a train and voiced her opinion loudly to a rowdy group of young men. She was promptly punched in the face.

I think for safety reasons but also because most people don't enjoy being around people of any age who are obnoxiously opinionated, I would work on teaching my DD some restraint in the opinion dept as well as some basic instruction in tolerance which might serve her well in today's world. Just MHO.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I forgot to mention above: it's been seventeen years since I worked in the Emergency Room at Children's Hospital but some of the tragedies I saw there still haunt me. Like the two year old who broke free and dashed in the street while his mother was getting the baby out of the car (and was hit and killed); the young girl whose foot was cut off by the lawnmower when she ran by while her father was mowing; and my worst personal experience - performing CPR on a 3 yr old who drowned in a pool that was full of other people. I guess that's why I never cared much what people thought - I had seen and experienced first hand tragedies that can and do happen everyday to people, like you and me, who are loving, caring, "attentive" parents. If a parent sees fit to restrain their child with a harness or leash, I say go for it, that parent knows their child best and it is much better to be safe than sorry.

 

[The Sweetness]

If, my daughter does stick her foot in her mouth, saying something about someone she shouldnt, and makes the mistake of allowing herself to be heard, I hope they do tell her it's rude, and give her a (little) piece of their mind. There is no need for a stranger to *blast* a 12y old, I dont think. But to tell her that she's wrong to make comments about people/ situations that she knows nothing about and are none of her business is totally fair game. Just remember (please) if she (or any other little lady/ gentleman) does this to you, they are still just kids, as much as they think they rule thye world

 

[Carrie Ellis]

memymomonica,

Just wondering...if the carseat was not a law, would you not buckle your child in a seat?

It really sounds like you have never had a problem. Your child has minded you every single time. Never lost he/she in a crowd. Always have each of your eyeballs on them every time. You are blessed more than me!!

I have never used a yard fence but I have used baby gates, outlet plugs, latches on my doors...Some things my children have never done but it only takes once to loose the life of your child. And to me it is not worth it. I am always always watching my children and protective but there are bad people out there and even if you don't have twins but more than one child; you do have times that your eyes can not be on both in a crowd. I always use strollers unless it is not possible.

After my children turned 4, I did not think about using a "harness". Children under 3 do not reason as well and I don't expect them to. I only use them once w/ my older set and (so far) once w/ my younger set. I am taking them w/ us to WDW just in case they want more freedom outside of the stroller and our hand.

I say all this to ease your judgement against people w/ more than one child. I am not without fault but I do try not to judge unless I have walked in their shoes.

Just for your information. I had no idea that I would have multiples. The first are identical-not heredity and the second are fraternal-heredity.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Carrie, I sent you a PM.

 

[memymomonica]

Yes, I would still use a carseat. My daughter is of the age now where there is no law requiring her to be in a booster. She is in one because she likes to see and have a cup holder. I am by no means SuperMom. I just get so frustrated watching parents who put in outlet covers and then watch their child play with them and try to get them out. Or put a lifejacket on and assume that they are safe. I see too many parents relying on safety products and then quit parenting. That includes the harness/leash thing. I have almost tripped over a leash, because the parent was shopping and assumed that their child was safe. Nevermind that the child is in the middle of the walkway about to get run over. I have seen many leashed children doing all kinds of things because parents have them tethered to them. This includes eating things off the floor, getting caught up in clothing racks, tangled in strollers. In some cases, the leash pu the child at greater risk. I am not saying that this is true in all cases. I have just witnessed too many examples. My daughter learned at a very early age that No means No. She minds very well. She has been spanked maybe twice in her life. She is not scared of me. She knows that there are consequences to every action. I am very blessed. She is a wonderful little girl. I am also honest enough to say that if I want to stay as sane as I am now, one child is just right for me. Again, from personal experience...I have seen that have 2 kids they can't handle and get pregnant again. Then complain that it is just too much. I will be the first one to say that there are some couples with multiple children that do an amazing job of parenting. I am in awe of them.

I apologize if it seemed like an attack. It just seems like everything boils down to lack of parenting. Whether you use a leash or not, stay-at-home mom or working mom, homeschool or public school. If more parents would just be a parent. I think too many give in because it is easier.

Again, I didn't mean to offend anyone. I feel just as strongly about safety. But my daughter's first line of defense against anything is ME!

 

[lucy_love_]

Originally posted by DWhittles
Wooh! Hang on Lucy!
I'm SURE that Sweetness has done NOTHING that would have her written up in the book of bad parenting (not with this anyway :grin
I think at 12 kids are pushing the boundries again and that her daughter is learning to express her opinions. It sounds to me like Sweetness is handling the whole thing in a good manner and the way I think most mommies and daddies would do it.
Don't flame her as a bad parent! I'm quite sure she ISN'T one. It's clear she loves her daughter.
Lucy, how would YOU handle the situation if it were your child making the comments?

my children have more respect than to make comments like that so publicly. not just for other people but for me also.