Anyone else have a child who just will not listen?

[mckinley]

I have a soon to be 6 year old daughter. I am having the worst trouble getting her to listen to me. It just keeps getting worse all the time. She really hasn't listen to me ever. I don't really like to spank her. Nothing seems to work, i just get so frustrated i usually end up screaming at her and giving up before its over. I bought a suprise box with lots of different things to put in it and when she was good all day before bed she could get into it. About a week ago i told her that if she listened to me each day she could earn $3, that didn't work neither. I have begin to think that i need Super Nanny!. My child acts just like some of them children. Anyone got any suggestion

 

[PattnFmly]

Don't really have any good suggestions, but I can certainly sympathize! I have a 6 1/2 and 5 year old boys. They don't listen either. I find that I need to get between them and whatever they're doing and get their eyes into mine before they listen. The older one can read really well and I've found that he loves reading my instructions to him. Whether or not they absorb remains to be seen, but at least he's reading them out loud to me so I know he's getting them! The best punishment for him right now is his Leapster L-max. He loses it for a day everytime he willfully disobeys. One threat is usually all it takes now, he loves it so much!

 

[ChrisnSteph]

My ds4 is this way. I've read dozens of books, tried every discipline method under the sun, tried counseling - nothing seems to work. His teachers suspect he may be ADHD, but noone wants to even deal with it until he's older. It's very frustrating, and tough emotionally because he is our adopted son. My other kids, you tell them not to do something, and by the 3rd or 4th time they got it. But not my Matt - you can tell him 50 times, he'll be punished 50 times, and as soon as you turn your back he'll do it the 51st time. We just don't know what to do sometimes. He spends alot of time in corners, or in our guest room by himself, but it doesn't really seem to help. He's otherwise a very sweet and lovable kid!

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

My DDs are 7 and 4. My 7 yo is pretty good, but every once in a while I need this technique. My 4 yo needs it all the time.

Get between them and the distraction (TV, Playstation, etc) and make sure their eyes are on yours. This requires getting down to their eye level. Then in a calm, even tone tell them what you want/need. I picked up this one from Supernanny and it works like a charm every time!! I will also turn off the distraction before talking to them also.

Another thing I noticed too. I can tell my 7 yo to "go pick up her room" and she will. My 4 yo needs more specific instruction: "Pick up your books and put them on the book case." When she is done with that, "Pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper." When she is done with that, " Pick up your toys and put them away."

I used to be a big time yeller, but since I stopped yelling and get down on their level, life has been much better. I do still yell occasionally, but far less frequently.

 

[dmslush]

Nothing seems to work, i just get so frustrated i usually end up screaming at her and giving up before its over.

She's got your number. She knows that if she just keeps on and on and on, she can wear you down and you will give up. That is her goal, for you to give up and let her have her way. Think about it, if you stopped giving up, if no matter how much she whines, cries, ignores you etc.. she will not get her way, she will eventually give up. You have to turn the tables on her, you have to be the one to stick to your guns until she gives up. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have to ask my 14 year old, "Do you really think you are going to wear me down until I say yes?" She knows it won't happen. She can try to wear me down, but when I say no, I mean no.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What are you "giving in" too? If she asks for cigarettes and beer I will bet you would stick to your guns.

You need to pick your battles or create less conflict if it is silly stuff. I often hear parents giving their kid too many choices. Do you do that?

I am a "no" mom. They can scream till the cows come home. Now that the oldest is 14, I am glad I grew a backbone because as some of the Disers say..."parenting is not for sissies".

 

[Aidensmom]

My 4 year old went through a stage like that. Some of the things I found that helped were getting down to his eye level and repeating myself in a very firm voice, using rewards (for example "if your toys are put away by the time I'm done walking the dog, we can watch a movie"), and sometimes when he just didn't seem to hear me, I would yell, not scream, but yell his name to get his attention, and then in a normal voice repeat what I was telling him.

 

[bekkiz]

Follow through, follow through, follow through

That is the #1 thing you HAVE to do. Now admitidly, I am not yet a mom, but I've been a nanny and a preschool teacher, so discipline is a little easier for us--we don't have to live with the kid

However, you have to be the one in control. By losing it and screaming, you are losing control and letting your kid know that they can push your buttons.

So how do you get control? Have a plan in action before anything goes wrong. Kid won't pick up the toys, you ask them in a calm collected voice, kneeling down so you're eye to eye. Explain what you want them to do, and the concequence if they don't obey. Then punishment. I like the whole "naughty corner" idea. The kid gets up, you collect them, sit them in the corner and walk away. Repeat if needed. DON'T get into a confrontation.

You really need to reassert yourself as the parent/adult/the one in control. And the best way to do it is to present your self as that in-control parent.

 

[VickiVM]

My DDs are 7 and 4. My 7 yo is pretty good, but every once in a while I need this technique. My 4 yo needs it all the time.

Get between them and the distraction (TV, Playstation, etc) and make sure their eyes are on yours. This requires getting down to their eye level. Then in a calm, even tone tell them what you want/need. I picked up this one from Supernanny and it works like a charm every time!! I will also turn off the distraction before talking to them also.

Another thing I noticed too. I can tell my 7 yo to "go pick up her room" and she will. My 4 yo needs more specific instruction: "Pick up your books and put them on the book case." When she is done with that, "Pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper." When she is done with that, " Pick up your toys and put them away."

I used to be a big time yeller, but since I stopped yelling and get down on their level, life has been much better. I do still yell occasionally, but far less frequently.

This does work - I also go face to face with my kids when I need them to understand that I'm completely serious and need their cooperation.

And I also give my girls a list when I have multiple things I need them to accomplish. They love lists and like the satisfaction of checking something off their list. It also helps break down their chores into small manageable pieces.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

What do you mean you give up before it's over?

My youngest child is 6yo. To say that he's a difficult child would be the biggest understatement in the world. The years between 1 and 5yo were the worst--I truly dreaded a lot of our time because he challenged so many things. Things have gotten a lot better. He listens better, wants to pleast, knows the rules and is a much more pleasant person to be around.

I've never been afraid to hold my ground with him, but it's true that it's important to pick your battles. If everything is a battle you'll do nothing but fight. Like has been mentioned, get down on her level and make sure that she hears you. My son is very competitive and likes to race with me to do a lot of things--he races to the bathroom to brush his teeth, to his room to go to bed, etc, etc. He's always been this way and it's motivated him to move in a playful way.

 

[Mishetta]

Both my boys are that way but they also are both ADHD. Severely ADHD in fact. My oldest also "displays ODD tendencies" as his psychologist worded it. I'm a raving maniac & that seems to be the only time they listen. I wake up & get them up & start barking orders. It really sucks but with my kids, there is no other way. Once they are medicated, life is a little easier but I don't medicate till after they've eaten a good breakfast.

The frustration of your kids never, ever, ever listening to you is so upsetting & disappointing & tiring! Trust me, I've walked that "mile" in your shoes (everyday of our lives together.)

Good luck to you!

 

[kristen821]

It is so hard but you have to follow through with your punishments and if you say no mean no. Some kids are harde then others. My ds is so well behaved for the most part and I don't usually have any problems with him. My dd on the other hand is just like yours. I know how hard it is to follow through and not give up. Both my kids were raised the same way and they are complet opposites of each other. Good luck!

 

[goofy's friends]

Follow through, follow through, follow through

That is the #1 thing you HAVE to do. Now admitidly, I am not yet a mom, but I've been a nanny and a preschool teacher, so discipline is a little easier for us--we don't have to live with the kid

However, you have to be the one in control. By losing it and screaming, you are losing control and letting your kid know that they can push your buttons.

So how do you get control? Have a plan in action before anything goes wrong. Kid won't pick up the toys, you ask them in a calm collected voice, kneeling down so you're eye to eye. Explain what you want them to do, and the concequence if they don't obey. Then punishment. I like the whole "naughty corner" idea. The kid gets up, you collect them, sit them in the corner and walk away. Repeat if needed. DON'T get into a confrontation.












This is really good advise. our now DD9 is just growing out of this and it took years of sticking to our guns. And MANY time-outs for mom When you feel yourself losing it, step out of the situation for a while and come back to it.
I give choices, but one is a consequence that I can follow through on and the other is doing what I want them to do. Stated calmly, it would be something like this: Would you rather clean your room now or miss the soccer game and do it then? I even put the "Would you rather...." on my fridge so I would remember to word it that way. Worked like a charm, because neither choice was appealing, but she knew I was willing to follow through. When she was upset later for having to stay home, I (as sincerely as possible) would sympathize "I hate it too when I have to miss something I enjoy because of a responsibility" I try not to do "If only you had...." because she is quicker to learn if she figures it out than because mom gave her a hard time.

A book if your interested that changed our discipline (I sure can't take credit) is Love and Logic (forget authors) Good luck---it will get better.

 

[momrek06]

I have a soon to be 6 year old daughter. I am having the worst trouble getting her to listen to me. It just keeps getting worse all the time. She really hasn't listen to me ever. I don't really like to spank her. Nothing seems to work, i just get so frustrated i usually end up screaming at her and giving up before its over. I bought a suprise box with lots of different things to put in it and when she was good all day before bed she could get into it. About a week ago i told her that if she listened to me each day she could earn $3, that didn't work neither. I have begin to think that i need Super Nanny!. My child acts just like some of them children. Anyone got any suggestion

MOM: I have really nothing I can say about your situation that you probably have not already heard either from family or anyone here on the DIS Boards....that being said....

Just when you think you cannot take it ANYMORE they change...yup...

My DS' are 23yo and 20yo and they tested me EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE. I hung in there did what I could do at the time for every incident that would arise...and let me tell you right now if I had a nickel for every person that says to DH & I "you both have THE nicest boys I have ever met"...we would be MILLIONAIRES.

We are Irish, the Irish have an ole saying "HOUSE DEVIL, STREET ANGEL" that is MY youngest. He is one big pain in all our a**es yet outside this house he WALKS ON WATER. Probably all my fault (isn't everything all our fault)!!!

He really is HIGH MAINTENANCE 24/7!!! But the bottomline: I WILL always WIN!

All I can say is just LOVE him to death and hang in there...it WILL change.

One thing about my youngest, (sophomore away at college) there is NEVER EVER a time that he is finishing up a phone call with me that he does not say
"I love you, MOM, bye"!!!!

Yes, I probably have more gray hairs than the average female my age and yes his name is MICHAEL and everyone always says to ME..."Oh, his name MUST be Michael, we have a Michael and they are a handful"....ugh...!!! Heard that way too many times.

Just hang in there, be patient, listen carefully and LOVE!!!

 

[donnajon]

I like to read John Rosemond's articles in the Sunday paper. He is a child psychologist and has really good advice. I had issues about my son sleeping in my bed - read a letter that could have been written by me and within two days, he was out of my bed for good.
Anyway, two things I remember him saying. #1 - don't give warnings. He says that children who are given warnings come to expect them. That makes a lot of sense to me.
#2. I remember him talking about a child who was constantly misbehaving. He had the child gather up all of their toys and put them in a chest in the hallway where the child could see them. If the child could behave, he could have one toy back every day or week. If the child continued to misbehave, the child had to take the toys to donate to someone less forutnate than them. Make sure the expectations are clear.
He suggested with an older child to strip the room bare of everything except the bare necessities i.e. little more than a bed and dresser in the room. No tv, no video games, to phone. Only the bare necessities.
My kds are by no means perfect but they are pretty well behaved.
I also never ever give in. That teaches the child that if you cry enough, mom will give in. Each time, they will cry longer and longer to get you to give in. If you never give in, they know they can't outcry you. If my kids have temper tantrums, I walk away. If they are outside and refuse to get in the car when we need to leave, I just say "Bye" and back the car up. Boy that gets them running.

 

[FreshTressa]

I totally agree with #1

I don't give warnings. I tell them...if you don't listen, something bad will happen to you. I don't know what it is yet, but it will happen. And if they don't listen, something bad does happen..EVERY time.


Good luck figuring this out.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Yes, I probably have more gray hairs than the average female my age and yes his name is MICHAEL and everyone always says to ME..."Oh, his name MUST be Michael, we have a Michael and they are a handful"....ugh...!!! Heard that way too many times.

Just hang in there, be patient, listen carefully and LOVE!!!

The current name for that child is Jake/Jacob and I have one.

 

[Pigeon]

My older daughter is very strong willed. I highly recommend "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries," by Robert J. MacKenzie, Ed.D. This book greatly helped our relationship and cut down on the screaming and yelling. It gives you some tools for dealing with the difficult child.

 

[mickeyboat]

I have done a lot of yelling in the 6 1/2 years I have been a mother. It doesn't work.

We have worked hard to find our girls' "currency" - what it is that they care enough about so the will behave in fear it will be taken away.

I was having a tough time getting them to cooperate in the morning - telling them 20 times to brush their teeth, get their coats on, etc. I was getting to work later and later every day, and I wasn't happy about it. So I told them if they did not cooperate in the mornings, they would have to go to bed 15 minutes early.

We have had to do it once with each kid, and mornings have improved dramatically. They hate having to go to bed early, because they miss out on cuddle time.

Actually, I did it last night with Emily. She was a monster yesterday morning, but the sweetest little thing last night. Her grandfather came over last night, and I know she was hoping I'd forget, but I didn't. It was really hard to do it, she cried for 15 minutes, especially after she had been so great that night. But I did it, and she was ver cooperative this morning. I bet I will never have to do it again.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[Mi3stooges]

MOM: I have really nothing I can say about your situation that you probably have not already heard either from family or anyone here on the DIS Boards....that being said....

Just when you think you cannot take it ANYMORE they change...yup...

My DS' are 23yo and 20yo and they tested me EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE. I hung in there did what I could do at the time for every incident that would arise...and let me tell you right now if I had a nickel for every person that says to DH & I "you both have THE nicest boys I have ever met"...we would be MILLIONAIRES.

We are Irish, the Irish have an ole saying "HOUSE DEVIL, STREET ANGEL" that is MY youngest. He is one big pain in all our a**es yet outside this house he WALKS ON WATER. Probably all my fault (isn't everything all our fault)!!!

He really is HIGH MAINTENANCE 24/7!!! But the bottomline: I WILL always WIN!

All I can say is just LOVE him to death and hang in there...it WILL change.

One thing about my youngest, (sophomore away at college) there is NEVER EVER a time that he is finishing up a phone call with me that he does not say
"I love you, MOM, bye"!!!!

Yes, I probably have more gray hairs than the average female my age and yes his name is MICHAEL and everyone always says to ME..."Oh, his name MUST be Michael, we have a Michael and they are a handful"....ugh...!!! Heard that way too many times.

Just hang in there, be patient, listen carefully and LOVE!!!

OMGOSH!! We are not Irish but that describes my kids to a T...and I have a Michael!! They are now almost 14, 12 and 11.

I also feel alot has to do with the personality of each child. My oldest is the high maintance one and the others think thats the way to be. When I tell them to go do something, it's my middle one who will jump up and get it done, where the oldest q's everything!!
Good luck to all....we all need support!!