Anyone else have a child who just will not listen?
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Tigger&Belle
<font color=blue>I'm the good girl on the DIS<br><
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mickeyboat said:
VERY true. For our 6yo, it's basketball play time with my DH. Every night they go down in the playroom and play with the Little Tykes basketball hoop, Jake being one pro team, down to every player, my DH another team. It's a precious time for Jake and it's hard for him to lose that time. They have a mini version in the mornings before Jake goes to school. That's our biggest bargaining chip, but bedtime is another, tv, weekend video games, etc. Find what's important for your child.
The best advice I ever got was from my son's 4-year-old class pre-school teacher. She never, ever raised her voice. There were no direct confrontations and no hissy fits.
She used redirection and choices as techniques and they worked like a charm. She would redirect children when they were not playing appropriately. She would suggest other things that they should be doing and walk them to a different area of the classroom to begin a different task.
She also advised me to give my son choices when he didn't want to do what I requested. Give him 2 or 3 choices and let him decide which one he would rather do. Make one choice what you want. Make one choice a compromise and make one choice unpalatable to your child. The child will feel like he/she is in control because he/she is making the choice. This technique worked very well for me during difficult times.
She used redirection and choices as techniques and they worked like a charm. She would redirect children when they were not playing appropriately. She would suggest other things that they should be doing and walk them to a different area of the classroom to begin a different task.
She also advised me to give my son choices when he didn't want to do what I requested. Give him 2 or 3 choices and let him decide which one he would rather do. Make one choice what you want. Make one choice a compromise and make one choice unpalatable to your child. The child will feel like he/she is in control because he/she is making the choice. This technique worked very well for me during difficult times.
Am_I_There_Yet
Tells little white lies about Santa<br><font color
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Yes, I have a DD who turns 8 next month, who's the same way.
She's also just been diagnosed as having ADHD. It wasn't until I came into her life, that it got attention. She'd ask me a question, and the the answer went in one ear and out the other. You could tell that she wasn't "in there".
If I asked her to do something, she'd forget instantly, or get side-tracked within minutes. My own daughter had ADD, so I recognized the symptoms.
Her father, who'd always called her a knucklehead, finally talked to her mother and sure enough, her mother had just gotten her older half-sister on ADHD meds. Once it was brought to their attention, they took my step-daughter into the doctor for testing as well.
It may be possible that you're dealing with the same thing, or maybe a hearing or learning disability.
You don't want to end up feeling like my DH does now. He feels so bad that he yelled at, or got on to his daughter constantly, when in reality it was nothing she could control.
She's also just been diagnosed as having ADHD. It wasn't until I came into her life, that it got attention. She'd ask me a question, and the the answer went in one ear and out the other. You could tell that she wasn't "in there".
If I asked her to do something, she'd forget instantly, or get side-tracked within minutes. My own daughter had ADD, so I recognized the symptoms.
Her father, who'd always called her a knucklehead, finally talked to her mother and sure enough, her mother had just gotten her older half-sister on ADHD meds. Once it was brought to their attention, they took my step-daughter into the doctor for testing as well.
It may be possible that you're dealing with the same thing, or maybe a hearing or learning disability.
You don't want to end up feeling like my DH does now. He feels so bad that he yelled at, or got on to his daughter constantly, when in reality it was nothing she could control.
mickeyboat
<font color=660099>Nothing like the cream and choc
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madonna31 said:That would be my educated guess as to why your child doesn't listen.
Who's in charge here?
The OP is aware that this tactic does not work to alter her child's behavior. That's why she is asking for our advice.
Thanks for your contribution.
madonna31
<font color=9999FF>WDWWDS Entertainment VP<br><fon
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And I was giving her my advice. My thinking is that she needs to be more strict by not letting her daughter 'win' in such situations...err...or was that not clear in my previous post?
...and here I thought by quoting Super Nanny's WONDERFUL comment of "Who's in charge here?" would of been a dead give-a-way to my point.
Thanks for all the replys, its so nice to see that its just not my child. She doesn't have add or adhd though. The only problem is that i have always just given in. She is a totally different child when she is at school, or i am not around. I have spoiled her rotten its my fault. Thanks for all the advice i am going to put it to use.
Wishing on a star
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Since I see that the OP has popped back in here, I will post as well.
It sounds like the very common mistakes that many parents make. In a way, I agree a little bit with the poster who said that yelling and giving in might be a big part of whether the child listens. I think there comes a stage in many children where we want to get their hearing checked because they have become Mother-Deaf!!!
I believe that listening, or NOT listening, is a learned behavior. Many of us might need to develop our listening skills!!
Maybe you could try this: When you say something directly to the child and you do not get a response, First, take a deep breath, don't take it personally and become frustrated. Go directly to the child, and make sure that they can hear you, and can make eye contact if they actually looked up, and repeat exactly what you just said in a nice even tone. (This might be considered the 'warning')
If the child fails to respond appropriately, then DO NOT repeat what you have said again. At his point, it would simply become yelling and negotiating and a battle of wills. Say to the child.. in a very authoritative tone, "Suzy(or whatever name), what did I just say to you, or tell you to do???
At this point, if there is not instant and immediate compliance, then immediately take firm but calm disciplinary actions. For example, take away whatever 'currency' such as TV, Game, etc. that may be causing a distraction. NOT ONE MORE word should be said. Instant consequences. (whatever the consequences may be.) No yelling, no bargaining, no begging, no threatening. Consistancy is very important, so it might be a good idea to give it some thought, and come up with some appropriate consequenses that will be used. It might be a good idea to have a nice calm discussion with the child to let them know just what the deal will be. This conversation should NOT be during or immediately after the latest yelling match!
It should not be long before the child learns to take you seriously.
Like I said, good listening skills are not a 'given'. I think they are learned. And good communication skills as well. I HATE people who always just walk by throwing out comments, or call out from the next room, or whatever, and simply EXPECT others who they feel are in any realm of earshot to be hanging on their every word. This is a HUGE bad habit.... So, always remember, when you are talking/yelling at your kid, your communication and attitude are laying the tone and the groundwork.
It sounds like the very common mistakes that many parents make. In a way, I agree a little bit with the poster who said that yelling and giving in might be a big part of whether the child listens. I think there comes a stage in many children where we want to get their hearing checked because they have become Mother-Deaf!!!
I believe that listening, or NOT listening, is a learned behavior. Many of us might need to develop our listening skills!!
Maybe you could try this: When you say something directly to the child and you do not get a response, First, take a deep breath, don't take it personally and become frustrated. Go directly to the child, and make sure that they can hear you, and can make eye contact if they actually looked up, and repeat exactly what you just said in a nice even tone. (This might be considered the 'warning')
If the child fails to respond appropriately, then DO NOT repeat what you have said again. At his point, it would simply become yelling and negotiating and a battle of wills. Say to the child.. in a very authoritative tone, "Suzy(or whatever name), what did I just say to you, or tell you to do???
At this point, if there is not instant and immediate compliance, then immediately take firm but calm disciplinary actions. For example, take away whatever 'currency' such as TV, Game, etc. that may be causing a distraction. NOT ONE MORE word should be said. Instant consequences. (whatever the consequences may be.) No yelling, no bargaining, no begging, no threatening. Consistancy is very important, so it might be a good idea to give it some thought, and come up with some appropriate consequenses that will be used. It might be a good idea to have a nice calm discussion with the child to let them know just what the deal will be. This conversation should NOT be during or immediately after the latest yelling match!
It should not be long before the child learns to take you seriously.
Like I said, good listening skills are not a 'given'. I think they are learned. And good communication skills as well. I HATE people who always just walk by throwing out comments, or call out from the next room, or whatever, and simply EXPECT others who they feel are in any realm of earshot to be hanging on their every word. This is a HUGE bad habit.... So, always remember, when you are talking/yelling at your kid, your communication and attitude are laying the tone and the groundwork.
".......and yes his name is MICHAEL and everyone always says to ME..."Oh, his name MUST be Michael, we have a Michael and they are a handful"....ugh...!!! Heard that way too many times."
Well I NEVER heard that before! That explains EVERYTHING! Why didn't someone tell me this BEFORE I chose the name!
And I'm Irish too, but unfortunately he's rotten at home and on the street. His 10th birthday is this Saturday, April Fool's Day. (Smirk.)
Thankfully, my second one is my "it's not my fault" child. Love them both though.
E.
Well I NEVER heard that before! That explains EVERYTHING! Why didn't someone tell me this BEFORE I chose the name!
And I'm Irish too, but unfortunately he's rotten at home and on the street. His 10th birthday is this Saturday, April Fool's Day. (Smirk.)
Thankfully, my second one is my "it's not my fault" child. Love them both though.
E.
Keli
<font color=darkcoral>We're smarter than the avera
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Years ago, I had a friend with two boys about my dd's age. She asked me one time why I didn't have to yell at Ashli to get her to obey me. I told her to do something and she just did it. I thought about it for a minute and then realized the answer. It was because our parenting techniques were different.
Her's worked like this: tell child to do something, or to stop doing something. Child looked at her and then ignored what she said. She repeated herself. Child ignored what she said. She raised her voice. Child would mostly obey her at this point because if he didn't she would issue a punishment of some sort.
Mine worked like this: tell child to do something, or to stop doing something. Child mostly obeyed me at this point because the next step was issuing a punishment. I just omitted the repeating myself and yelling steps.
My theory is kids will push you as far as they think they can without suffering any real consequences. Yelling isn't a consequence they worry about so they will push it to this point if you are willing to take that step. Just omit the repeating yourself and yelling. Tell them what you want/need to be done and if they don't comply the first time then consistantly issue a punishment of some sort.
I know a lot of people want to reason with their children and I respect their parenting style but it just isn't/wasn't mine. I was always an authoritarian type of parent and it worked for us. My kid was nearly always well behaved and we enjoyed a close relationship most of her childhood (had a few difficult teen years but we made it through, lol)
Her's worked like this: tell child to do something, or to stop doing something. Child looked at her and then ignored what she said. She repeated herself. Child ignored what she said. She raised her voice. Child would mostly obey her at this point because if he didn't she would issue a punishment of some sort.
Mine worked like this: tell child to do something, or to stop doing something. Child mostly obeyed me at this point because the next step was issuing a punishment. I just omitted the repeating myself and yelling steps.
My theory is kids will push you as far as they think they can without suffering any real consequences. Yelling isn't a consequence they worry about so they will push it to this point if you are willing to take that step. Just omit the repeating yourself and yelling. Tell them what you want/need to be done and if they don't comply the first time then consistantly issue a punishment of some sort.
I know a lot of people want to reason with their children and I respect their parenting style but it just isn't/wasn't mine. I was always an authoritarian type of parent and it worked for us. My kid was nearly always well behaved and we enjoyed a close relationship most of her childhood (had a few difficult teen years but we made it through, lol)
va32h
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What has worked with my kids is:
1)Getting to the point. I found that my kids tuned out after the first ten words or so. So I speak to them politely, but directly. "Please bring me your lunchbox", instead of "Honey, could you please go and get your lunchbox out of your backpack so I can clean it out and pack your lunch for tomorrow"
2)Be specific. If I asked my kids to be good, they'd probably say "Define good". Instead of saying "be good" or "behave", I spell it out. Stay with me, don't interrupt, stop arguing with your sister, etc.
3)Plan ahead. Going to the grocery store is a big problem for my crew. The oldest gets bored and whiny, the younger two get greedy and whiny. So we have a little talk in the car. "We are here to buy food only. No toys. No magazines, no candy. If you stay by the cart and do not whine or argue, you will get to choose a flavor of ice cream (or cereal, or fruit snack, or cake mix, etc.)
4)Try not to yell. It's hard, and I am a yeller too, but when you lose your temper, it's a sort of victory for them, because they made you lose control. So try to stay calm, even if it means walking out of the room for a minute.
5)Remember, you are still bigger than them! My 6 year old is a homebody, and really doesn't like having to go anywhere. He just wants to play and ride his bike. A trip practically anywhere is a recipe for a tantrum. Once, he refused to get dressed, so we couldnt' leave. I just scooped him up in his pajamas and put him in the car.
Toys that are fought over, or any item that is being used inappropriately gets put up on top of the refridgerator, or in the back of my closet, or my top secret hiding place, where no children can reach.
The 2 year old gets physically removed from a lot of situations.
6) Be consistent. Big issues, like interrupting, talking back, dangerous and destructive actions, have to be dealt with the same way, every time. It's not okay to break something on purpose, no matter how bad a day the child had, or how much of a good reason they have to be angry. Talking back to mom is not okay, no matter how unreasonable the child thinks mom is being.
1)Getting to the point. I found that my kids tuned out after the first ten words or so. So I speak to them politely, but directly. "Please bring me your lunchbox", instead of "Honey, could you please go and get your lunchbox out of your backpack so I can clean it out and pack your lunch for tomorrow"
2)Be specific. If I asked my kids to be good, they'd probably say "Define good". Instead of saying "be good" or "behave", I spell it out. Stay with me, don't interrupt, stop arguing with your sister, etc.
3)Plan ahead. Going to the grocery store is a big problem for my crew. The oldest gets bored and whiny, the younger two get greedy and whiny. So we have a little talk in the car. "We are here to buy food only. No toys. No magazines, no candy. If you stay by the cart and do not whine or argue, you will get to choose a flavor of ice cream (or cereal, or fruit snack, or cake mix, etc.)
4)Try not to yell. It's hard, and I am a yeller too, but when you lose your temper, it's a sort of victory for them, because they made you lose control. So try to stay calm, even if it means walking out of the room for a minute.
5)Remember, you are still bigger than them! My 6 year old is a homebody, and really doesn't like having to go anywhere. He just wants to play and ride his bike. A trip practically anywhere is a recipe for a tantrum. Once, he refused to get dressed, so we couldnt' leave. I just scooped him up in his pajamas and put him in the car.
Toys that are fought over, or any item that is being used inappropriately gets put up on top of the refridgerator, or in the back of my closet, or my top secret hiding place, where no children can reach.
The 2 year old gets physically removed from a lot of situations.
6) Be consistent. Big issues, like interrupting, talking back, dangerous and destructive actions, have to be dealt with the same way, every time. It's not okay to break something on purpose, no matter how bad a day the child had, or how much of a good reason they have to be angry. Talking back to mom is not okay, no matter how unreasonable the child thinks mom is being.
Tigger&Belle
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cristit14 said:Me too!Some days I just have to keep telling myself "I love my son...I love my son.... I love my son...."
Maybe I said this in an earlier post, but my other line is, "thank goodness he's cute!".
Tigger&Belle
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lw49033 said:
Yeah, we did resort to that for our hard headed last child. I can't say that I totally disagree with it in theory, but I really don't think it was/is the answer. I think that there are a whole lot more effective strategies.
To use it as one of several strategies is one thing, but kind of interesting that you seem to suggest it in so many of your posts.
Tigger&Belle
<font color=blue>I'm the good girl on the DIS<br><
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lw49033 said:
I honestly never needed to do it with my first 3 children. Maybe a couple times with my first, did it one time with my second (he kicked my prenant belly and got his leg slapped--he didn't do it again). I'm not debating whether I could have avoided using it that time--just relating the situation. I truly NEVER had the need with my 3rd child. He's 12yo now and don't think NOW I haven't thought about it.
My 4th child has been my test in parenting and before him I would have been the one arguing that spanking was never needed. The best thing about Jake was that he has truly been a humbling experience and just when I thought that I had the answers he gave me a whole new book of questions.
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