Any other working moms feel like your short-changing your family?

[RadioFanatic]

I have always worked FT+ since well before my DS was born. I was fortunate to be able to take 12 weeks of FMLA when he was born (though it was unpaid), and very, very lucky that my mom truly wanted (and insisted) that she would watch him while I worked until he was 2. I'm also very, very lucky that I live about 15 minutes from my parents and they are very involved in my son's life.

Today, I am a VP of a large multi-service human needs agency. I have a very demanding job that requires me to work sometimes at odd hours (i.e., meetings at night and sometimes activities on weekends). I work hard, but I'm fortunate to have a job that allows me to be present for my son when I need to because of the "odd" hours that I sometimes have to work. I also earn a nice income and am loath to give that up....it would mean a very, very substantial cut in household income.

So, how do I balance it all? I grocery shop once every other week and then do a short trip in the off week for fresh produce and bread. I cook ahead on Sundays (marinade my meats for the week, cook soups, cook a pot roast, etc.). I use my crock pot at least once a week for a meal. My DH grills outside several nights a week during the spring, summer and fall. I have a cleaning lady who comes once a week. I have one Sunday a month that is my day....I get to scrapbook, do an outing with my son and/or husband or whatever I want for that day. Do we eat out, yes sometimes...but not as often as you may think. Do I ever feel like I've neglected my family....yep...but then I think of all I'm doing to enrich my family's standard of living, all that I'm giving to our community and the lives that I've been able to change by working. Am I satisfied...most days. Do I ever feel the twinge of "oh, I should be home,"...sometimes, but I also know that when I really need to be home (i.e., sick child), I WILL BE and nothing and no one will stop me.

The earlier poster that said give 100% of yourself to whatever task you are doing is correct (though I admit to life coming into work and work coming into life sometimes).

The bottom line though is that if it is too much for you...then it's too much for you! Believe me, I couldn't do it without the support of my son, DH, DM and DF. It's true that it takes a village...and some days it takes more than one!

K

I could have written this post too. Very well said.

 

[MrsPete]

OP, I would talk with the family. Run the numbers, really looking at your budget to see how much you are spending in order to have you work. All the takeout dinners that are bought b/c you're working, the gas, etc etc etc, count it all (but be realistic...I doubt you'll *never* get dinner to bring home, for instance), see what your actual true financial contribution is. And then figure out what you can do to get that money!

You're right that everyone should run the numbers -- but be sure to include the not-so-obvious financial details about working too. Include any pension or retirement that you'd be building. Consider insurance and other benefits that you'll receive. Consider any freebies or non-tangible benefits that you'd get through your job. Consider the opportunity cost of staying out of the work force for a while. Too many women consider JUST what they can bring home in this month's paycheck, but those other long-term details matter too. Just be sure you compare the whole package.

My details: When my first child was born and I went back to work, I wasn't making much of anything. I was making money, but honestly I could've increased the family's bottom line by staying home and putting my mind to saving every penny I could. Today, 15 years later, that is no longer true. Because I've been teaching for 17 years now, I am farther up the salary scale, and a lifetime pension is 2/3 earned. I've put away a decent amount of money into my 401K, and the magic of compound interest has worked in my favor. If I were just returning to the work world now, I'd be back at an entry level salary -- now when I need to pay for braces, car insurance, and college. By putting in those "why am I doing this for so little money?" years, I'm in good shape now. We can afford big trips and other things to enrich the kids' lives, and we're planning to build a small-but-nice home for our retirement.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I have so much guilt and I really feel like I'm short-changing my family. I really have to wonder how any other woman can work full time and have the time and especially energy to be a good mom and wife and get everything done.

Don't feel that way. I know it's not that easy, but just don't. My mom worked full time my entire life. Her mother worked during most of her life. I am constantly annoyed by people making comments that women who work cannot have the time to be good mothers. My mother was wonderful. My grandmother was wonderful. We had happy, fulfilled childhoods. If something got left out once and again...if we had to order pizza or the bathroom wasn't sparkling, who cares? If I had to entertain myself for a few hours while waiting for my mom to get home, so be it.

The only one judging your mothering ability is you.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I was a SAHM mom when my son first arrived. Quite unexpectely, my marriage ended when my son was just over 2 years old. I had no choice but to work full time. Previous posters are correct. Planning is everything. I work full time. I go to school. I am also a good Mom. My DS and I have quality time everyday. Some days we have just an hour or so eating dinner and reading books, sometimes it's a whole evening. Weekends are reserved as family time. I study and do homework after he is in bed at night. Is my house perfectly clean? No but it is passible. He is learning that as a family, we "work together to take care of our home". Is every meal made completely from scratch? No, but we eat pretty healthy. Does my DS know that he is well loved, important and has quality time with his mom? Absolutely.

We do what we have to do and most people can do more than they think.

Never underestimate the power of a determined parent!

Good Luck OP!

 

[Ember]

Just a call out to all the single mom's who have to work. Here's what I learned from having a single parent:

- The world doesn't revolve around me, but I am still the most important person in my mother's life

- I am not entitled to new clothes, vacations, or any other material things. I knew our budget, even as a small child. I knew if we spent all our money on one things, we wouldn't have it for something else. (I am now the only one I know in my circle of friends doesn't have massive debt.)

- I work hard (and have since high school) because that was the example that was set every day for me. Nothing will be handed to you on a platter so you better be prepared to work for it.

- Quality time is more important than quantity of time. I never once felt my mum wasn't there for me growing up. No, she didn't come on field trips, but she was at every Christmas concert and cheer leading competition. We spent time together when my mum was home and I was the focus of her attention.

- I learned to be independent, responsible and to solve my own problems at a young age. Mum never told me to do my homework, even in elementary school. I knew it was my responsibility and that the only one who would suffer if it didn't get done was me.

It really bothers me that it seems to be a choice between stay home and be a great parent or work and take away from your family. There are definite benefits to having a stay at home parent, but I really believe there are benefits to having working parents, too, beyond having extra money. Those parents who work are not necessarily taking something away from their kids. The lessons being imparted my be very valuable as well. Every day I saw the example of a strong, independent woman who did not need to rely on anyone to support her and that has probably influenced my life more than anything else.

 

[lattemomof3]

Most of the full time working mome I know are very blessed to have fantastic grandparents who live nearby and help out A LOT. I always wondered how these women seemed to do it all and have so much energy to accomplish so much, until I found out how much outside help they have. DH and I have always been the only ones responsible for our kids, we don't have help w/ babysitting, running kids to events, some of the working moms I know even have their moms or mil's making dinner for their family several days a week, have cleaning ladies, etc. If you have to do everything yourself (and lots of working moms DO, I just happen to be surrounded by lots of lucky ones), then you probably WILL feel pulled in too many directions and will have to sacrafice some family time to get the basics done. There is no such thing as a super mom- you can not do it all perfectly. I feel really lucky to stay home w/ my kids- but I know that my kids would be missing out on a lot of my time if I worked full time- we just don't have a village to help us.

 

[2binak]

I work full time and so does DH. I don't feel that I'm short-changing my family at all. Yes, there was a time when I was very stressed about the lack of cleaning, organizing, shopping & cooking that was getting done and I contemplated working a 32 hr work week, but I realized that we could change our ways a bit and still get most of it done in a way that would work for our family.

That meant learning that it was ok for dishes & laundry pile up for a couple of days & that we cook some meals after DD goes to bed and re-heat them the next day instead of trying to cook a meal from scratch after getting home at 6pm. DH and I have always shared the household duties so we both continue to do what's needed to keep our house generally clean during the week and we save the big cleaning & shopping trips for the weekends and do those as a family too. We've found that it works for us.

OP - you've got to find what works for you and what's going to make you happy. It's a tough decision and I wish you luck in figuring it out.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I thought this article was timely for this topic:

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/thebumpnewswire/archive/2010/03/02/forbes-working-mom-survey-results.aspx

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

One of the big mags did a study on the financial impact of a second income in the home and they were surprising. I didn't look for a link, but it seems that a second income results in a much lower increase in discretionary income within a home than expected or assumed because of increased expenses. Most people are shocked to find out just how little it helps when they run the numbers (unless both spouses are high earners).

 

[2binak]

One of the big mags did a study on the financial impact of a second income in the home and they were surprising. I didn't look for a link, but it seems that a second income results in a much lower increase in discretionary income within a home than expected or assumed because of increased expenses. Most people are shocked to find out just how little it helps when they run the numbers (unless both spouses are high earners).

For some people, having a 2nd income isn't about the extra money. For some people, it's about a love of the work that they do, for others it's about maintaining a career so that they have something to fall back on in case they get divorced or their spouse loses their job or God forbid dies, and I'm sure there are a hundred other reasons depending on the person...

Here's one example of what I mean - my sister was a home maker and SAHM. Her husband died of cancer a few years ago. She often comments now that she wishes she had had a career while her husband was still alive because she's scared of having to provide for herself and their kids on the very small income that she is getting from her current job.

 

[Christine]

For some people, having a 2nd income isn't about the extra money. For some people, it's about a love of the work that they do, for others it's about maintaining a career so that they have something to fall back on in case they get divorced or their spouse loses their job or God forbid dies, and I'm sure there are a hundred other reasons depending on the person...

Here's one example of what I mean - my sister was a home maker and SAHM. Her husband died of cancer a few years ago. She often comments now that she wishes she had had a career while her husband was still alive because she's scared of having to provide for herself and their kids on the very small income that she is getting from her current job.

I agree. Those studies never take into account the long term losses that that stay-at-home parent usually incurs by being removed from the workforce for 10-20 years. It is significant. It's all wonderful if the working partner makes a TON of money, has a good retirement, and nothing ever goes wrong.

Not a gamble I'm willing to take.

I was raised by a working mom who was a single parent for 6 years of my life. She didn't get to come to a lot of my stuff, but hey, back in the 60s and 70s, in my area, most parents were absent from the day-to-day activities that went on. We rarely had nighttime programs or events. I remember being in a talent show one year in 4th grade that took place in school as an assembly. There wasn't a parent there and it never occurred to us that there should be. So, I just don't get all that but whatever works for you personally.

I've always worked full time, mainly for the independence not because I love my career. I did it for me and for my family so that we could be financially solvent and that I could/can support myself until I die. That is very important to me and my kids seem pretty happy with our setup.

 

[DizBelle]

I beg to differ. A lot of men probably feel that way, but there is a societal pressure on men that is not on women. When children are born, women have the choice of going back to work (full or part-time), or becoming a SAHM. In general, men have the choice of keeping their current job, or finding one that pays more.

One reason that there are fewer SAHD may well be that there are significant societal obstacles to men becoming the primary caregiver. Even ignoring groups like MOPS and their ilk, most SAHDs that I know have taken a lot of flack from both men and women about their failure to pursue a "real" career, and how they "forced" their wife into the role of primary breadwinner.

(I could suggest that a lot of guys would love to spend more time with their kids, but maternal gatekeeping plays a significant role in dissuading their involvment. Likewise, I could note that many housework surveys include laundry, but not mowing the lawn - and, according to some, I can do something like 32 hours of housework in a single day.)

Last time I checked, there was no law that said men can't choose to be a stay at home parent.

 

[DizBelle]

And that is where your children should step in and help financially. In my family we take care of our parents if they need it. No questions asked and you make it work. We take care of our own.

I would never, ever PLAN to be a burden on my children. I want more for them than that.

 

[jamimb]

Thanks for all the replies and different opionions on the matter. I think through reading all your responses I have come to realize that I don't like working outside of my home. I have always been very domestic. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and even grocery shopping were all things that brought me joy and now I give all I can to my job so those things (and even my DH and kids at times) have become tiresome chores. I am tired of my family just being something else on my to do list! I was an excellent SAHM. I cooked, cleaned, ironed, volunteered at school and church all the time. Maybe it's not that I'm not meant to work I'm just not meant to do a job that receives income.

I WANT to stay at home but I also want to do what's best for my family and I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out what that is.

 

[2binak]

Thanks for all the replies and different opionions on the matter. I think through reading all your responses I have come to realize that I don't like working outside of my home. I have always been very domestic. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and even grocery shopping were all things that brought me joy and now I give all I can to my job so those things (and even my DH and kids at times) have become tiresome chores. I am tired of my family just being something else on my to do list! I was an excellent SAHM. I cooked, cleaned, ironed, volunteered at school and church all the time. Maybe it's not that I'm not meant to work I'm just not meant to do a job that receives income.

I WANT to stay at home but I also want to do what's best for my family and I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out what that is.

I'm glad you're realizing what you truly want to do - that's wonderful!!! Maybe you could become a sales rep for a company like Tastefully Simple, Partylite Candles, Pampered Chef, etc. That could bring in a little extra income and you could do it on the weekends instead of during the work week.

 

[wdwfan16]

Have you talked to your DH. Can he pick up more of the slack? What about the kids. What does the 14 year old do around the house? Learn to tell her no. Let her earn an allowance and pay for those "needs". She will quickly decide that those "needs" are not so important. A valuable lesson to learn.

 

[mommytobug]

I kinda get what your saying. Since I have been working we are able to give them nicer christmases and go on vacation more and do little things like take them shopping or to the movies more but I am miserable!!

I know a lot of woman that work full time and say they would go insane if they had to stay home full time but I wonder how they can be successful moms and wives and still work full time and not be tired and stressed like I am????

Wow, what an interesting perspective. A tad bit judgemental .

I can tell you that I work full time, I am the administrator of a community mental health center and supervise numerous programs and staff and I ROCK as a mom and wife. I absolutely love my job, love love love what i do and feel very fulfilled from every angle. My family is well taken care of. My husband and i could not be any closer and my daughter is very close to both of us. We laugh, we play and we pray together. I am completely blessed.

It sounds to me like you dont want to work and you either have to or someone wants you to or i really dont know. If you are looking for someone to give you the answer, it is not happening. You have to make that decision. But, please, while you do, do not make any suggestions that working women cant do it all. I think we as moms should support one another.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I agree. Those studies never take into account the long term losses that that stay-at-home parent usually incurs by being removed from the workforce for 10-20 years. It is significant. It's all wonderful if the working partner makes a TON of money, has a good retirement, and nothing ever goes wrong...

Actually, this one did. In its final analysis, assuming the couple stays together, it is a little better than a break even proposition unless both are big earners. Everything changes if the couple divorces or the primary earner dies without sufficient insurance...

 

[BellePrincessBelle]

I would never, ever PLAN to be a burden on my children. I want more for them than that.

No one PLANS to be a burden to their children but I wouldn't put my parent in a low rent nursing home like one previous poster said they'd end up. Trust me my family is already a "burden" to me & I deal with it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Trust me my family is already a "burden" to me & I deal with it.

- Revenge...