Any other working moms feel like your short-changing your family?

[NotUrsula]

"when you are on your deathbed and your children are grown and gone, you will never say to yourself "I wish I had worked more'."

Um, maybe, if that deathbed is in the worst nursing home in town and you can't afford better. Women of my mother's generation (she was born in 1914) often end up in poverty in old age because they never brought in income, but their husband's survivor benefits were not really sufficient to live on. My mother had a minor child in the house from 1940 to 1980, and she was widowed for the last 6 years of that stretch. She wasn't going to suddenly be able to save for retirement AFTER she turned 65.

I've always worked except for brief periods of unemployment, and I assume that I always will. My youngest won't be out of the house until I'm 63. They don't miss what they have never had.

While my job itself isn't more important to me than my children are, the income that I bring in is much more important than having a showroom-fresh house or the freedom to go on field trips and attend sporting events. They know that if I have to work, then I have to work, and unless they are ill, they go on without me. Making sure that I have enough money put aside to live on in my old age is crucially important for their sakes -- I don't want to burden them with supporting me.

 

[Topper]

How come men never feel this way???

Who says we don't?

 

[monkeybug]

Just trying to get some perspective here. I have been married almost 16 yrs. For the first 4 yrs. I did not work. (we had children right away). Then I started working part-time at a department store. I worked here (only part time) for 5 years. I really liked this job but got tired of having to work so many weekends and holidays so I quit. I still needed to bring in some extra money so for the next 4 years I cleaned my church and several other houses. All that time even though I worked some I still had time to keep my house really nice and cook healthy home cooked meals. 2 years ago I took my 1st full-time job as an assistant teacher. Now as far as jobs go you can't beat this one. I have all major holidays off and of course have the summer off and really like the people I work with.

I guess here is where the problem comes in. For the 1st 6 months I loved it but after that not so much. Im stressed all the time( even though the job itself is not stressful), Im too tired to spend quality time with my hubby and children, my house is a mess and we are eating way too many unhealthy (but fast) meals.I have so much guilt and I really feel like I'm short-changing my family. I really have to wonder how any other woman can work full time and have the time and especially energy to be a good mom and wife and get everything done. I am considering not returning next year but have no idea how we would get by without my paycheck.

Im just feeling so frustrated right now and have no idea what to do. Was just wondering about your opinions on the subject were.

By the way I have a wonderful husband who helps get our girls to activities, does light grocery shopping, he does all the laundry and ironing , pays the bills and balances the checkbook, and will sometimes help clean up in the kitchen but it still is not enough.

I feel like I am neglecting so much. I rarely spend quality time with hubby (or even kids for that matter) I have totally let my bible study habits go, I never have time for exercise or volunteering at my church like I used to. How does everyone else do it?? Is there something wrong with me???

When I worked I felt like I was short changing myself. I had time for dinner, and reading stories, and cleaning, but none left for me.
Ultimately I couldn't be the kind of wife and mom I wanted to be, and also have a life of my own.
I didn't want some shell of a person raising my kids, I wanted them to see me! Silly, dorky, lazy, and sometimes fun, me!
The best advice I ever got after getting married was that having a family wasn't about people becoming one, it was about sharing your life with others. So you better have a life to share!
We don't have as much money as we used to, but we have enough to get what we need, and we have time to spend together. I have time for friends, family, hobbies, and even volunteering. It makes me happy, and what better way to teach my kids to enjoy life than to enjoy it with them?
It's what works for us!

 

[monkeybug]

I don't work.


But let me offer some insight.

The families that are successful and "guilt-free" on this topic--everyone pitches in. The dad, the kids--everyone.

If mom is left to do all that on top of working full time, of course everythign will fall apart.

I was stuck in bed for several weeks due to my hyperemisis (morning sickness gone horribly bad). My husband came home one day and asked "what happened". I wanted to smack him. He knews I was sick, but couldn't understand how sick I was and that I wasn't choosing bed, but was stuck and he coudn't figure out why the house exploded and got trashed.

Well it's simple--noone picks up after themselves and they expect the person who always did it to continue doing it even though it is impossible.

Ask everyone to pitch in--and yes, including the kids.

Most working families I know share basic tidiness duties during the week and do major chores on the weekend as a family.
home--doesn't mean I have the capacity or ability or energy to maintain a perfect
"Supermom" is a figment of everyone's imagination. And just b/c I stay home. When any family member does not pull their weight--there's too little time to be Martha Stewart mom-style. I struggle with that on a regular basis. Before DH moved up north for his new job, he was laundry dad. It was extremely helpful and I actually rejoiced that my DH was contributing to the houshold something other than a paycheck.

I stay home, but my husband helps a lot. His reasoning is (and I know that I am very lucky) that watching the kids during the day is my job. When he gets home, kids and chores are shared. It gives me lots more time for those Martha Stewart type things!

 

[SAHDad]

Well, in many cases it's due to the unpaid labor many women do. There are great husband's out there that split parenting and household chores equally. But it doesn't happen as often as it should when both parents work. In many cases, mom is still taking on a much bigger role at home.

There's also a societal pressure on mom's that there isn't on dad's. It's pretty darn rare that a man is the stay at home parent. It would never occur to most men that working or raising their children was a choice to make. They just assume they can do both. That automatically takes a lot of pressure off. Women have a different stress because working means they're taking something away from their families.

None of this may apply to the OP, but I think it's a large part of why women feels this way but men generally don't.

I beg to differ. A lot of men probably feel that way, but there is a societal pressure on men that is not on women. When children are born, women have the choice of going back to work (full or part-time), or becoming a SAHM. In general, men have the choice of keeping their current job, or finding one that pays more.

One reason that there are fewer SAHD may well be that there are significant societal obstacles to men becoming the primary caregiver. Even ignoring groups like MOPS and their ilk, most SAHDs that I know have taken a lot of flack from both men and women about their failure to pursue a "real" career, and how they "forced" their wife into the role of primary breadwinner.

(I could suggest that a lot of guys would love to spend more time with their kids, but maternal gatekeeping plays a significant role in dissuading their involvment. Likewise, I could note that many housework surveys include laundry, but not mowing the lawn - and, according to some, I can do something like 32 hours of housework in a single day.)

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Before my wife and I wed, we discussed the fact that we wanted one of us to stay home with our children at least until they were well established in school. At the time, my wife's career was going strong and it looked like I was going to be a S@HDad. I was pretty excited about the prospect, even with the flak that I was getting for even considering it (from both men and women).

By the time our first was born, my career had taken off and I was making twice what my wife was, so she stayed home. But, either way, one of us was going to stay home.

 

[BellePrincessBelle]

Um, maybe, if that deathbed is in the worst nursing home in town and you can't afford better. Women of my mother's generation (she was born in 1914) often end up in poverty in old age because they never brought in income, but their husband's survivor benefits were not really sufficient to live on. My mother had a minor child in the house from 1940 to 1980, and she was widowed for the last 6 years of that stretch. She wasn't going to suddenly be able to save for retirement AFTER she turned 65.

I've always worked except for brief periods of unemployment, and I assume that I always will. My youngest won't be out of the house until I'm 63. They don't miss what they have never had.

While my job itself isn't more important to me than my children are, the income that I bring in is much more important than having a showroom-fresh house or the freedom to go on field trips and attend sporting events. They know that if I have to work, then I have to work, and unless they are ill, they go on without me. Making sure that I have enough money put aside to live on in my old age is crucially important for their sakes -- I don't want to burden them with supporting me.

And that is where your children should step in and help financially. In my family we take care of our parents if they need it. No questions asked and you make it work. We take care of our own.

 

[hereyago]

I'm a single mom, so I have to work.

In order to be successful, you have to plan. You also need to understand that you can't (and you shouldn't have to) do it all.

How old are your children? Are they old enough to help out around the house? If so, have them pitch in - fold laundry, clean their rooms, do dishes, take out the trash...

I am a single mom as well and you hit the nail on the head. Everyone has to contribute to the family.

 

[Cinerbelle]

I work full time... always have. I get up every morning at 4am to commute to work to be there at 6am so that I can get off work at 2:30 to make it home in time to pick the kids up from school and run them to all of their activites. Let's just say I am ALWAYS exhausted. I do virtually NO housework. I do a little here and there but nothing like my hubby. He works full time and cleans the house from top to bottom. I do all the cooking and grocery shopping, but that is about all I contribute. Thank God my hubby is a saint. With all that being said I am being laid off on April 30th. I CAN'T WAIT!!! I am really looking forward to being a stay at home mom....hubby is looking forward to it too. Spending the summer with my kids and hubby (he's a teacher) sounds magical to me!! This will be my first summer off since my freshman year in high school! I am counting down the days to freedom...sleep, or sweet sleep. I am even looking forward to cleaning the house so hubby can come home and put his feet up.

 

[Ember]

I beg to differ. A lot of men probably feel that way, but there is a societal pressure on men that is not on women. When children are born, women have the choice of going back to work (full or part-time), or becoming a SAHM. In general, men have the choice of keeping their current job, or finding one that pays more.

One reason that there are fewer SAHD may well be that there are significant societal obstacles to men becoming the primary caregiver. Even ignoring groups like MOPS and their ilk, most SAHDs that I know have taken a lot of flack from both men and women about their failure to pursue a "real" career, and how they "forced" their wife into the role of primary breadwinner.

(I could suggest that a lot of guys would love to spend more time with their kids, but maternal gatekeeping plays a significant role in dissuading their involvment. Likewise, I could note that many housework surveys include laundry, but not mowing the lawn - and, according to some, I can do something like 32 hours of housework in a single day.)

I fully accept your arguments about there being a condemnation of men who choose to take the primary caregiver role, by both men and women. But it is still a fact that even with paid paternity being offered (either by the company by choice or because of legislation is some places) it's only taken by a fraction men. I had never considered the "maternal gatekeeping" concept, though. It's an interesting concept.

I do get where you're coming from, though. You should have heard the names my DH was called when we were considering using my last name as our family name when we got married. (We ended up both keeping our own names.)

 

[bumbershoot]

Im stressed all the time( even though the job itself is not stressful), Im too tired to spend quality time with my hubby and children, my house is a mess and we are eating way too many unhealthy (but fast) meals.I have so much guilt and I really feel like I'm short-changing my family.

I am considering not returning next year but have no idea how we would get by without my paycheck.

By the way I have a wonderful husband who helps get our girls to activities, does light grocery shopping, he does all the laundry and ironing , pays the bills and balances the checkbook, and will sometimes help clean up in the kitchen but it still is not enough.

I feel like I am neglecting so much. I rarely spend quality time with hubby (or even kids for that matter) I have totally let my bible study habits go, I never have time for exercise or volunteering at my church like I used to. How does everyone else do it?? Is there something wrong with me???

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Heck, I am at home and I don't get everything done on ANY day! (then again, I am very lazy and always have been)

But if you're that miserable, something has to change. It sounds like the part time stuff was doable for a long time. Could you go back to that? Would it be enough?

Up until DH's current job, he had customer service positions and therefore worked on most holidays. We found that it was totally easy to just have our celebration on a different day...no big deal at all for us. So what if you guys could switch your mindset on when to celebrate things, you could go back to retail, and maybe feel sane AND bring in the money you need at the same time?


If I channel my 14 year old self...she's going to be filled with resentment for anything you do, LOL...don't let her teenage feelings get too much in your way.

How come men never feel this way???

My hubby does. We're actually considering moving to Seattle, where we have NEVER wanted to live, so his commute could be minutes instead of an hour+, so he can spend more time with us. Of course, right now he travels for work, and that's making him sad, too.

DH would totally be SAHD, except he doesn't make milk (though he does have a prolactinoma (pituitary tumor that creates the milk hormone) and don't think we haven't joked around about how maybe he COULD have given me a break here and there if only we'd known!) and that was important for quite awhile for DS (and any future babies/toddlers), any job I could get wouldn't pay nearly as much as he can get, he doesn't have the college hours for homeschooling, AND I am absolutely miserable when working for pay. Now if I'd kept my chiro practice, maybe I could have been making good money by now, but who knows?




OP, I would talk with the family. Run the numbers, really looking at your budget to see how much you are spending in order to have you work. All the takeout dinners that are bought b/c you're working, the gas, etc etc etc, count it all (but be realistic...I doubt you'll *never* get dinner to bring home, for instance), see what your actual true financial contribution is. And then figure out what you can do to get that money!


I grew up a latchkey kid out of absolute necessity. My mom didn't have time for guilt; there simply was no choice. Even when she remarried, he showed up with debt that was hidden, and she still had to work her bum off, even though she only made a third of what that stepdad made. He also had 2 kids he was paying child support for.

I had friends with at-home moms (most of them, actually), and at least one friend whose mom was a teacher and therefore got home about an hour after we did. I gravitated towards their houses once my brother was older and could be at home alone (or when he went to HIS friends' houses), because it was just more fun being there with a silly crazy mom! My friends rarely came over until after my mom was home, because they liked hanging out with her, too. So even though the friends with at home moms talked a good game about how "lucky" I was, ultimately we all had more fun when there was a parent around. Might have just been our good-kid group, though.

 

[SnowWhite607]

Um, maybe, if that deathbed is in the worst nursing home in town and you can't afford better. Women of my mother's generation (she was born in 1914) often end up in poverty in old age because they never brought in income, but their husband's survivor benefits were not really sufficient to live on. My mother had a minor child in the house from 1940 to 1980, and she was widowed for the last 6 years of that stretch. She wasn't going to suddenly be able to save for retirement AFTER she turned 65.

I've always worked except for brief periods of unemployment, and I assume that I always will. My youngest won't be out of the house until I'm 63. They don't miss what they have never had.

While my job itself isn't more important to me than my children are, the income that I bring in is much more important than having a showroom-fresh house or the freedom to go on field trips and attend sporting events. They know that if I have to work, then I have to work, and unless they are ill, they go on without me. Making sure that I have enough money put aside to live on in my old age is crucially important for their sakes -- I don't want to burden them with supporting me.

Okay how about we say "WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE GROWN AND GONE, you will never wish you had worked more and spent less time with them."

I dont remember saying I was going to burden my child with caring for me.....the above quote was something someone said to me to help ME make up my mind about working or not.

As I said, I know some people have to work to pay the bills, and while it would not be my personal choice, I know people who choose to work because being a SAHM is just not for them. Different strokes......

FYI, my house is never showroom fresh but I do want always my DD to remember that I was at her sporting events or field trips. I can remember that my mother had to work and she wasnt able to do all those things. If I have the choice (and I do) I want to be there. My mother still tells me to this day that she remembers my grandmother being absent from most of her events because always had to work.

 

[MrsPete]

I feel like I am neglecting so much. I rarely spend quality time with hubby (or even kids for that matter) I have totally let my bible study habits go, I never have time for exercise or volunteering at my church like I used to. How does everyone else do it?? Is there something wrong with me???

You've already received some good advice about getting everyone to pull his or her own weight. I won't re-hash that.

I can throw in a couple pointers:

Here's one that's difficult for many women (because we're multi-taskers): Wherever you are, BE THERE. When you're at work, put 100% into work. Don't spend time wishing you were at home, don't worry about the kids (you've made good choices for them, let them be happy in school, after-school care, whatever decisions you've made). Don't try to sneak in your neglected Bible Study when you have 10 minutes down time; you won't have adequate time, and you'll feel rushed. Don't try to write out your child's birthday invitations at work. BE at work. When you're at home, leave work behind and put your all into doing what needs to be done there. Leave work mentally and physically behind (this is impossible for us teachers, but we do try).

Another one: Set your priorities when it comes to your time. How important is a spotless house? How many days a week do you want to have a home-cooked meal? My house is rarely as clean as I'd like it to be, but we read with the kids EVERY SINGLE DAY when they were small -- it shows in their schoolwork now.

Decide what's best, and don't second-guess yourself. If you've decided that you need more income for retirement and the kids' college, then don't waste time worrying that you don't have time to make homemade desserts. Accept that you've made the big decisions and don't worry about them.

One way to do this is to -- along with your husband -- list your 5 most important goals. Write them down. When you're stressed and unable to get everything done, go to that list. If that Bible study you've missed is in your top 5, then tell the scout leader that you simply cannot work at the cookie booth . . . and move on. If one of your top 5 is "spend time each and every day sitting on the floor playing with the kids", then remind yourself that you've chosen to do that -- even if it means that the lawn doesn't get mowed. If the house is a huge mess, but you know that you've listed "serve healthy, nutritious meals" as a higher priority, let the living room floor go a little longer. You can only do so much, and writing down your most important priorities means that you'll spend your time doing what you really want to do.

Re-evaluate those top 5 priorities every year. New Year's would be a good time to do it. Perhaps right now volunteering at church just cannot make the top 5 . . . but in a few more years, when your kids are older, it might move back up to one of the top positions -- and it might be reworded as "volunteer along with the children at church".

In closing, no, I don't feel that I'm short-changing my family. I'm not stressed or tired all the time (I do have my moments -- like when my husband goes out of town -- but it's not an everyday thing). I don't do everything for them, but my girls know how to do things around the house that many of their friends don't know how to do. We don't spoil them with excessive material goods, but they've been able to enjoy many vacations and enrichment activities that would've been impossible for them if I didn't work. We've finished braces for one and are about to embark on that journey for the second child. We're not worried about paying car insurance when our oldest gets her license in a few more months. And they won't have to borrow money to go to college. They won't have to be concerned with supporting us (financially) in our old age. For our family, we decided that these benefits were worth sacraficing some things along the way. Everyone's happy, healthy, and satisifed with our choices. If my kids were babies, I'd do the same things again.

 

[MrsPete]

I wish you much luck in whatever path you decide to take. But someone once said to me, "when you are on your deathbed and your children are grown and gone, you will never say to yourself "I wish I had worked more'."

While I don't doubt the truth of that, I suspect plenty of people on their deathbed have said, "I wish I was leaving my family with a paid-for house instead of a pile of bills." or "I wish I had saved for my kids' education -- without my salary, how will they ever manage it?"

A balance between work and home is the key.

 

[disneyjunkie]

A balance between work and home is the key.

 

[jamimb]

Thanks everyone for all your responses! I must add really quick though that everyone here at our house pulls their own weight. My DH is a saint and does a lot around here. My two girls (8 and 14) have daily chores and weekly chores so I don't think that is the problem at all.

My problem may be that even though Im working I still want to be there for every activity, I still want them all to be able to come home to a clean comfortable home, I still want to be able to cook healthy homemade meals 5 or 6 times a week. I still want to be able to make cupcakes for dd's class and ETC. I've not been willing to compromise on those things and I don't think I should have to!

I kinda feel like a failure because so many woman seem to be able to do it all and I just don't have the energy.

 

[Robinrs]

Who says we don't?

Well, I'm GLAD to see that some men do. I'm sick of this being a Mom's issue. Some of us HAVE to work. It's like taking what we do and belittling it. My career is what I do and being a Mom is what I am.

I have a clean home a good kid and darn those statistics a happy happy home.

The guilt issue seems to be built into ovaries. We need to quit allowing it to get to us.

 

[jamimb]

While I don't doubt the truth of that, I suspect plenty of people on their deathbed have said, "I wish I was leaving my family with a paid-for house instead of a pile of bills." or "I wish I had saved for my kids' education -- without my salary, how will they ever manage it?"

A balance between work and home is the key.

This is what Im trying to say! Im not doing a good job of balancing and I am a very well organized OCD type(maybe that's my problem). For me at least it seems I can do one or the other really well and after I work 8 hrs and cook and do laundry and run the girls to dance there is nothing left of me to spend quality time with hubby or even read to them before bed. My stress levels are so high Im having to see a therapist.

I guess I'm just wondering how everyone else does it. Balance the two that is because I am having such a rough time.

 

[jamimb]

<raising my hand>

I am a teacher and I went back to work full time when DD was in kindergarten. I tried to be in the PTA, etc but I just couldnt. I couldnt be room mom, I couldnt go on the field trips, etc. Last year I missed a program she was in and also awards day because I couldnt get off work. I swore that would NEVER happen again. I have ONE daughter and she is only little once. I will never again make her think she is less important than my job.

I have struggled with the guilt for 4 years now. My house is a wreck, as I sit here and type this, I am waiting for the pizza man cause my fridge went out and I didnt have time to get to the store to get milk (I needed milk to make dinner), DH is working, DD is bathing and I am in my jammies, LOL! The laundry is never done, I spend my weekends cleaning and doing things that I didnt have time for during the week so then I dont have time to spend with my family. And then, its Monday morning again. I feel like I am always saying 'I cant sit down and play, I need to _______" (make dinner, iron clothes, do the laundry, grocery shop, pay the bills, clean the house, etc)

This is my last year. I have already told them I will not be returning next year. I am going to substitute teach instead so when DD has something at school, I can go to it. When she has a field trip, I can go. When I want to work in her classroom, I can. And when I dont have anything to do, I will work.

Of course, I am not delusional and I realize that it is not this way for everyone. We do not need the money to live and survive. My husband supported us for 6 years on one salary when she was little. I have been working and have saved up a nice nest egg to make up the slack in case things happen out of the ordinary (see above about refrigerator!) and I will also be working a few days a week to supplement our income. I know I am very lucky to be able to do this and believe me, I say many prayers of thanks because of it.

I wish you much luck in whatever path you decide to take. But someone once said to me, "when you are on your deathbed and your children are grown and gone, you will never say to yourself "I wish I had worked more'."

Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel! I do not need a job outside the home to be fulfilled. My kids and hubby are my number one priority and I feel like they are not getting the best of me because I work full time. My therapist has also said that to me many times about being on my deathbed.

 

[sparklynails23]

On her deathbed, my mom said she wished she would have had a career. I, on the other hand, wish I could just stay home and be independently wealthy (not that my mom was, but she was a SAHM her whole life). It must depend on the person.