Any other SAHMs with only school age children?

[Cruz91]

First of all, my husband would NEVER want to stay home. Period. The kids drive him crazy and he can't handle it. So, I won't even "theorize" with you on that one.

Second, yes, I will stay home regardless of what he says. It's THAT important to me.

I've known that since I had my daughter. I've always known that I wasn't going to get a job the minute the youngest is in school, BUT my husband thinks differently. I'm not even touching the subject right now with him because I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Why cause turmoil when it's so far away?

I'm not disrespecting him or underappreciating him. I love him very much and appreciate everyday what he has given me...the opportunity he has given me...We're an awesome team and I couldn't live one day of my life without him by my side.

Working or not working is a difference of opinion. From the sounds of the replies I got, I guess no one else has ever had that in their marriage. I must be the only one that doesn't blindly go "Yes, dear...whatever you say"

I don't know that I've ever been told "Yes, dear...whatever you say" without an accompanying eye roll. I think the bottom line is that we are all in different situations and handle things differently. We also are all entitled to our own opinions. It is my opinion that divorce rates are in no small way related to opinions / actions like withholding information from spouses, or openly planning on doing something contrary to our spouses expectations related to previously agreed upon actions. Am I saying you're going to get divorced? Of course not. What I am saying is that, as a husband, I would much rather talk about the topic and have you explain to me why it is so important for you to stay home, how much you appreciate what I'm missing, and then mutually agree either that we'll table it until we have to deal with it or agree that it's a non-issue. You may be surprised at his reaction.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

Marriage is a lifetime series of negotiations. You don't seem willing to negotiate at all....it's your way or no way.

Hope your lucky, and your husband doesn't end up resenting you for it down the road.

I'm not "jealous". I'm a SAHM now. DH worked from home the first few years of DS's life. Once DS starts kindergarten in the fall, I'll be looking for work. I know my time at home has caused some financial strain on us, and I want to ease it. I also think it will be good for me to get out of the house. DH has not demanded I do so; he likes having a home-based person.

But I have enough respect for him to pitch in and help the family. Yeah, it would be nice to have every summer free to play with my kid. But it will be nice to build up our savings more.

Yes, a marriage is a lifetime of negotiations....But, you're right. For this, I am not budging. It's THAT important to me.

My husband won't resent me. Once I talk to him about the summer and vacation aspect, there's really not much he can say. Who's going to watch our kids when they have time off? I've already hinted at my husband that I don't plan on working, but don't need the full blown out conversation yet.

I pitch in, by doing the laundry, cooking dinner, paying the bills, cleaning the house...But, you getting a job is so much more of an effort!

I think it's so funny that because I am very strong on this one matter that all of a sudden I don't respect my husband, he'll leave me, I don't appreciate him....

Gotta run, taking my husband to lunch!

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

I don't know that I've ever been told "Yes, dear...whatever you say" without an accompanying eye roll. I think the bottom line is that we are all in different situations and handle things differently. We also are all entitled to our own opinions. It is my opinion that divorce rates are in no small way related to opinions / actions like withholding information from spouses, or openly planning on doing something contrary to our spouses expectations related to previously agreed upon actions. Am I saying you're going to get divorced? Of course not. What I am saying is that, as a husband, I would much rather talk about the topic and have you explain to me why it is so important for you to stay home, how much you appreciate what I'm missing, and then mutually agree either that we'll table it until we have to deal with it or agree that it's a non-issue. You may be surprised at his reaction.

Yes, I COMPLETELY agree with you.

I'm not withholding information from my husband, nor am I doing anything against a "previously agreed" contract.

This is something that we talked about BRIEFLY, for about 2 minutes the other day. He mentioned that when our youngest starts Kindergarten, I can go back to work.

I DO plan on having a conversation with him about how important it is to me....but, not right now. My youngest is only 1.5 year old! When the time comes, I will absolutely sit down and discuss it with him.

 

[jodifla]

Yes, a marriage is a lifetime of negotiations....But, you're right. For this, I am not budging. It's THAT important to me.

My husband won't resent me. Once I talk to him about the summer and vacation aspect, there's really not much he can say. Who's going to watch our kids when they have time off? I've already hinted at my husband that I don't plan on working, but don't need the full blown out conversation yet.

I pitch in, by doing the laundry, cooking dinner, paying the bills, cleaning the house...But, you getting a job is so much more of an effort!

I think it's so funny that because I am very strong on this one matter that all of a sudden I don't respect my husband, he'll leave me, I don't appreciate him....

Gotta run, taking my husband to lunch!

Actually, getting a job for most people IS an effort. And there are summer camps your kids can go to in the summer.

Next excuse?

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

Actually, getting a job for most people IS an effort. And there are summer camps your kids can go to in the summer.

Next excuse?

WOW, so because I want to spend the summers with my kids, want to be here for them during their days off, have time to volunteer at their school, I'm making excuses? I must be the only mom on this planet who didn't immediately get a job the day her littlest started Kindergarten. Why is everybody hating on me? I don't get it.

I'm not dumping my kids off at a "camp" because their vacation "interferes" with a job.

 

[Fritochips4u]

Ok, I don't get it...

Obsessed wants to spend time with her kids and everyone's telling her how awful she is? How disrespectful? How unappreciative? Making excuses?

So, she hasn't had "the convo" with her dh yet....so what?

C'mon people...get off your high horse and leave her be. What's right for one SAHM isn't right for the next.

 

[jodifla]

Ok, I don't get it...

Obsessed wants to spend time with her kids and everyone's telling her how awful she is? How disrespectful? How unappreciative? Making excuses?

So, she hasn't had "the convo" with her dh yet....so what?

C'mon people...get off your high horse and leave her be. What's right for one SAHM isn't right for the next.

The issue here to me isn't about staying home, it's about the fact that she's made it clear she doesn't care what her husband thinks. She's doing what she wants, regardless.

That's what many of us find so surprising. Most marriages don't last when one person has an attitude like this.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

You really have to read all of "obsessed" posts to see where all of this is coming from.

The part where she explains how different her and her husband's families are summed it up for me when she said she came from a family "where she was spoiled". Now I get it!

This is entertaining. I can't wait to see what she says next!

 

[Cruz91]

I'm not begrudging anyone from staying home. If you read her first two posts, she shows what I felt to be a disrespectful tone towards her husband's opinion. I think it was something like 'tough taffy for him'. It has everything to do with respect - mutual - and nothing to do with the decision that is being made. I'm not being hard on her for wanting to stay home with the children in the summers, before they start school, or for the rest of their lives. That's simply not the issue. The issue is that she feels she has more of a RIGHT to stay home, and she said she's doing it regardless of what her husband says. To me - that seems like she feels entitled to stay home, which was o.k. for June Cleaver, whom she has already clearly pointed out she is not.

 

[Suzanne74]

To the OP, I am in the same boat as you. I have been a SAHM since my dd was a baby. Tried to go back to work but it lasted all of 3 weeks before my husband and I decided this wasn't the lifestyle we wanted. We aren't financially strapped per say but we also don't keep up with the Jones's the way so many in our area do. I have been very lucky

That said, my dd is now entering 1st grade. We have been trying for 3yrs to have another baby and between miscarriages and now fertility clinics it has taken a toll. I decided I am not working this year. I am going to focus on me and hopefully get pregnant. I honestly wanted to work PT but could not find anything within the school hours that was only 2-3 days a week for a few hours. I still want to volunteer as much as I did last year when my dd was in kindergarten. It was by far, the busiest year we had together. I volunteered every Monday in the cafeteria and recess. I worked one day a week in her classroom, I ran the schools yearly festival, and I started a daisy girl scout troup for the girls. Add that to soccer in the fall, gymnastics in the winter and t-ball in the spring and it was hectic. I loved every minute of it and thoroughly enjoyed spending so much time in her school as did she. There were many parents who were unable to attend the many (too many) kindergarten events throughout the year which is a shame. There are times when I feel that maybe I should be working but then I see all the moms who stay at home and are proud and happy of their decisions so I am too. It is great that women who want to work can now do it (as opposed to the 50's when it was taboo) but at the same time, our society now thinks women who stay home after the kids go into school do nothing. I never had a maid, cook, babysitter, nanny, etc... and those things do keep you busy. Each school also relies heavily on the PTA and parent volunteers to assist during school hours. I also work 10-15hrs a month at our local Make a Wish Foundation chapter and also help the town's quarterly food and clothing drives. There is "jobs" for everyone and a place for each working mom and stay at home mom. I think it is nice that women now have a choice but it seems that it is such a power struggle that it makes each side feel guilty.

If you truly want a job, get something simple but don't feel that you HAVE to just because society now thinks you should. Do what feels best for you, your husband and your family.

Okay I just rambled - sorry

 

[Fritochips4u]

The issue here to me isn't about staying home, it's about the fact that she's made it clear she doesn't care what her husband thinks. She's doing what she wants, regardless.

That's what many of us find so surprising. Most marriages don't last when one person has an attitude like this.

Is she the only one who is doing something regardless of what her dh thinks? Hasn't anyone else ever done one thing in your marriage that your spouse didn't "approve" of?

I have read all of her posts and really don't see an issue. So, she made up her mind about what she wants to do? So? <GASP> And she's going to do it regardless of what her dh thinks?? What will Ward say!?!? "June, dear, you've been a bad girl..."

She's made it perfectly clear that she's doing it "regardless of what her dh thinks" because it's important to her......not out of disrespect. She's also made it PERFECTLY clear that she agrees about compromising EXCEPT ON THIS ISSUE.....I don't think a marriage is going to break up over a disagreement on one issue, jodifla. Nice jab, tho...


Good grief, ya'll are actin' like she's planning on robbing a bank, but she's going to do it regardless of what her dh thinks.

Cruz...a disrespectful tone? How can you tell a "tone" via the computer? Do enlighten...Never saw her even TYPE the word "entitled", so I don't think she feels "entitled" to stay home...

Ya'll just need to back off. Who cares? She made up her mind and what business is it of ANYONE'S?

 

[ADisneyQueen]

From the OP-
Suzanne, I pray that you will get pregnant this year. I had fertility problems and miscarriages and I think that played a big factor in my staying home. When I had my first DD, I wasn't sure if I could ever have another so I wanted to be home with her.
My husband doesn't care if I work or not. I have thought about subbing at a preschool this fall. In our district, I would be on an emergency sub list at the public schools b/c I have a bachelors degree but not a degree or certification in elem. ed. Friends have said I would not be called that often that way.
Right now I feel like I cannot plan many things until I find out when the girls have their dance classes after school. Then I can move on to picking a day for my girl scouts troop.

 

[jodifla]

Is she the only one who is doing something regardless of what her dh thinks? Hasn't anyone else ever done one thing in your marriage that your spouse didn't "approve" of?

I have read all of her posts and really don't see an issue. So, she made up her mind about what she wants to do? So? <GASP> And she's going to do it regardless of what her dh thinks?? What will Ward say!?!? "June, dear, you've been a bad girl..."

She's made it perfectly clear that she's doing it "regardless of what her dh thinks" because it's important to her......not out of disrespect. She's also made it PERFECTLY clear that she agrees about compromising EXCEPT ON THIS ISSUE.....I don't think a marriage is going to break up over a disagreement on one issue, jodifla. Nice jab, tho...


Good grief, ya'll are actin' like she's planning on robbing a bank, but she's going to do it regardless of what her dh thinks.

Cruz...a disrespectful tone? How can you tell a "tone" via the computer? Do enlighten...Never saw her even TYPE the word "entitled", so I don't think she feels "entitled" to stay home...

Ya'll just need to back off. Who cares? She made up her mind and what business is it of ANYONE'S?

Money issues are the No. 1 killer of marriages. It's not like she decided she wants to paint the house pink no matter what her husband says.

 

[DisneyPolve]

I'm not begrudging anyone from staying home. If you read her first two posts, she shows what I felt to be a disrespectful tone towards her husband's opinion. I think it was something like 'tough taffy for him'. It has everything to do with respect - mutual - and nothing to do with the decision that is being made. I'm not being hard on her for wanting to stay home with the children in the summers, before they start school, or for the rest of their lives. That's simply not the issue. The issue is that she feels she has more of a RIGHT to stay home, and she said she's doing it regardless of what her husband says. To me - that seems like she feels entitled to stay home, which was o.k. for June Cleaver, whom she has already clearly pointed out she is not.

I see where both of you are coming at, and it all boils down to your personal situation. Cruz, I understand you think you are giving your wife a privilege to stay at home with you children, and that was the best decision for both you and your wife. But did you ever think that maybe Obsessed makes all the decisions in the relationship she is in, whether her husband as a different view or not, and that might work for them. I don't think anyone should feel sorry for her DH, I am sure he knows in the back of his mind she isn't planning on working, he is married to her, he probably knows her. He probably just is wishing she will work when the youngest goes to school. But sometimes wishes are the best thing for a family. I have a 6 yr old son, who is going to 1st grade, I have worked full time for 6 yrs, now sometimes it was for an employeer sometimes it was for my husband. Out of those 6 years husband was deployed over 3 yrs, which left me at home making all the decisions, yes while he was deployed he told me he would love for me to work, to save more money since he was retiring from the military. Did I listen no, I didn't feel he was in a position to tell me what was in the best interest for our family at that time. Did we argue you about it, yes, did I win?? of course. Did he still retired? as of June 30th. Did we have money in the savings, yes. Did he get another job? yes! Have I??? no, because at this point I feel I need time for myself, I want go back to school, and I'm going to do that! Maybe I'm spoiled, but I think I earned it and deserve it. It might of been a privilege for me to stay home with our son, but it was A LOT of work. Our son has autism, and to stay home, wasn't always what I wished for myself, but it was what I wished for our son. When husband was home, I did work full time but that was what was best for our family, not what was best for husband. But as our son, who has autism, goes into a main stream 1st grade, with on speech resources I am confident I have made the correct choices, and so is my husband. DH is just sorry he didn't see before the benefit for our son having someone who love him care for him 24/7, something he wouldn't of gotten in a daycare. I'm sorry that you think you have missed out on a lot by having to work, but so does a lot of woman that are stay at home moms. And you don't have to be June Cleaver to be a GREAT mother, just need your kids best interest at heart!

Returning the soap box!

 

[Suzanne74]

To the OP, I am in the same boat as you. I have been a SAHM since my dd was a baby. Tried to go back to work but it lasted all of 3 weeks before my husband and I decided this wasn't the lifestyle we wanted. We aren't financially strapped per say but we also don't keep up with the Jones's the way so many in our area do. I have been very lucky

That said, my dd is now entering 1st grade. We have been trying for 3yrs to have another baby and between miscarriages and now fertility clinics it has taken a toll. I decided I am not working this year. I am going to focus on me and hopefully get pregnant. I honestly wanted to work PT but could not find anything within the school hours that was only 2-3 days a week for a few hours. I still want to volunteer as much as I did last year when my dd was in kindergarten. It was by far, the busiest year we had together. I volunteered every Monday in the cafeteria and recess. I worked one day a week in her classroom, I ran the schools yearly festival, and I started a daisy girl scout troup for the girls. Add that to soccer in the fall, gymnastics in the winter and t-ball in the spring and it was hectic. I loved every minute of it and thoroughly enjoyed spending so much time in her school as did she. There were many parents who were unable to attend the many (too many) kindergarten events throughout the year which is a shame. There are times when I feel that maybe I should be working but then I see all the moms who stay at home and are proud and happy of their decisions so I am too. It is great that women who want to work can now do it (as opposed to the 50's when it was taboo) but at the same time, our society now thinks women who stay home after the kids go into school do nothing. I never had a maid, cook, babysitter, nanny, etc... and those things do keep you busy. Each school also relies heavily on the PTA and parent volunteers to assist during school hours. I also work 10-15hrs a month at our local Make a Wish Foundation chapter and also help the town's quarterly food and clothing drives. There is "jobs" for everyone and a place for each working mom and stay at home mom. I think it is nice that women now have a choice but it seems that it is such a power struggle that it makes each side feel guilty.

If you truly want a job, get something simple but don't feel that you HAVE to just because society now thinks you should. Do what feels best for you, your husband and your family.

Okay I just rambled - sorry

 

[Cruz91]

but here's another post. Tones are easily set on a computer. And of course, all marriages have disagreements and times when one person does something regardless of what the other says. Typically, however, those things are not as big as deciding whether or not to take a job outside of the home. After a particularly tough day for my wife, I sometimes show up in the garage with her passing me at the door telling me she IS going out for a few hours and I can just deal with dinner and the kids because she's had enough of them for the day. Likewise, there are times when I tell her that I'm stressed and I will be going out with the boys for an evening regardless of what she says.

Let me try a different angle. What if I went home one day and said - you know what, I hate my job and I found a new one in Minnesota (no disrespect to Minnesota) and we're moving there (from Ohio) next week - regardless of what you say. My wife would still be able to stay home, I would still be working. But is that disrespectful? Of course. I would never do something like that without discussing it. In the end - if I felt that strongly about the decision, we still may do it. But we would have the discussion before we made a decision. To me, her unilaterally making such a big decision without any discussion is disrespectful (though she said in subsequent posts that she had broached the subject with him). Further disrespect is the tone (yes, there was a tone) of the tough taffy for him.

Obviously - this is an issue on which we will have to agree to disagree. But I was being no harder on her for her point of view than she was on me for mine. Especially when, of course, mine is right

 

[jodifla]

but here's another post. Tones are easily set on a computer. And of course, all marriages have disagreements and times when one person does something regardless of what the other says. Typically, however, those things are not as big as deciding whether or not to take a job outside of the home. After a particularly tough day for my wife, I sometimes show up in the garage with her passing me at the door telling me she IS going out for a few hours and I can just deal with dinner and the kids because she's had enough of them for the day. Likewise, there are times when I tell her that I'm stressed and I will be going out with the boys for an evening regardless of what she says.

Let me try a different angle. What if I went home one day and said - you know what, I hate my job and I found a new one in Minnesota (no disrespect to Minnesota) and we're moving there (from Ohio) next week - regardless of what you say. My wife would still be able to stay home, I would still be working. But is that disrespectful? Of course. I would never do something like that without discussing it. In the end - if I felt that strongly about the decision, we still may do it. But we would have the discussion before we made a decision. To me, her unilaterally making such a big decision without any discussion is disrespectful (though she said in subsequent posts that she had broached the subject with him). Further disrespect is the tone (yes, there was a tone) of the tough taffy for him.

Obviously - this is an issue on which we will have to agree to disagree. But I was being no harder on her for her point of view than she was on me for mine. Especially when, of course, mine is right

Exactly!

 

[DisneyPolve]

I would never do something like that without discussing it.

It's not something she isn't going to talk about, it's just something she is going to be talking about later. Is your problem, that she isn't being up front about it now? Because sooner or later I think he would notice her not working? Where I can see why she would wait to tell him, she isn't planning on going back to work later. Why argue about something, that there might not to be argued about. Their situation could totally change, and her DH not have a problem with her not working at that time.

It's easier to ask for forgiveness and permission!

 

[therealleigh]

I have been a lurker on these boards for 4 months now(planning a first time trip to WDW) and saw this post and decided to reply.

In my first marriage I worked up until my DS was born and went back to work when he was 12 weeks old. I worked full time, was his cub scout leader and volunteered at the school as room mother. When he was in 5th grade his father and I separated and divorced. I eventually remarried. My DH and I decided to have a child. I was still working and worked up until I had my DD. My ds was in the 9th grade. My dh and I decided I would be a sahm. With a newborn and a teenager we just thought it would be good for me to be at home.

So now I am a SAHM to two DD's that are 10 and 11. A ds that is 25 and a pastry chef. I have been at home for 11 years now. Yeah I get bored sometimes but believe me there is always something to do. I personally would not change a thing, I like being at home. If my girls are anything like me as a teenager I need to be here LOL. But for the disagreement of working or SAHM I think they both work and are equal. It is whatever makes your family and you happy. Cause for everyone to be happy is the key. And as we know everyone is different. Makes the world an interesting place.

Leigh

 

[weldon1]

I think that many times people classify moms as sahm or working and there is no inbetween. Not everyone has a choice, obviously single parents do not have a choice and neither do financially strapped parents. There are not many jobs out there for moms to work only when their children are in school. This is why I sub. We can enjoy the extra money for vacation, movies, and paying off bills from the debt we got into while I was fortunate enough to stay home. I am also home with the kids in the summer, over the holidays, teacher inservice days, and I am able to stay home with them when they are sick. I know that my husband's job is the first job priority because it pays the bills. The kids are still my first and most important job but I am also able to bring in a little extra money. I have looked and looked but I cannot find another job that will work around my kids.

I also know that sometimes husbands think they want you to go back to work as soon as the kids are in school but they may think differently when the kids are older. Obsessedwiththemouse-he might change his mind. My husband insisted that I would get a full time as soon our youngest started school but when she did start he was very happy with subbing because I am always available plus a little extra money. Just the other day, I found a full time job I was somewhat interested in, even though I really don't want to work during the summer. My husband said he wasn't ready for me to work year round, not until our kids our older. So your husband may change his mind too and maybe it won't cause conflict.