Any other 2nd shift "widows"????

[Minnie]

Hi

I'm hoping that there are other Disers out there in a similar situation that could give ideas on how they handle the situation as to be honest we are struggling

As long as I have known DF (12 years) he has always worked 1st shift. Worked great for our lives and he and my DS are extremely close This summer the plant DF worked at (20 years) closed and he had to look for other employment. The area we live in has a high unemployment rate as many local factories have laid-off or closed So DF made the decision to take a job that requires working 2nd shift My office hours are not able to be changed so we basically aren't home at the same time except to sleep And he's been working crazy 12 hrs plus weekends too.

Now he may have the opportunity to move to 3rd shift and we don't know if he should take it or not He'd be home most of the evening so we'd see him more but not overnight and after all these years I think it would be terribly hard for him to adjust.

Sorry for the long post Any ideas on how to make this work better? Or if 3rd shift sounds like a good idea????

Thanks!
Minnie

 

[Lstar311]

I am sorry to hear that your DF has to change positions at his job. My DH works the 3rd shift so I can give you some advice about that. It is not the ideal situation but for him to get ahead in his company he needs to do it. The first two weeks were the worst for him to adjust to. After that it hasn't been too bad. He goes to work at 11 and gets home around 9. He spends a small amount of time with out son and then goes to sleep at 10. I wake him up at 5 or 5:30 for dinner. Then he spends the rest of the evening with DS and I. On some nights when he is tired he will go back to sleep when Ds does at 8 and then I wake him up before his shift. Like I said it is not ideal but its not terrible.

The hardest thing for us to adjust to is his changing scheduled days off. On his days off he still needs to nap before work or sleep after work or he'll be up for over 24 hours. For example he has tonight off. So he should have slept when he got home until around 3 instead of 5. Then he will go to sleep tonight at a normal bedtime. But tomorrow night he will need to nap again before work. It is confusing and takes some getting used to. For us this is temporary so that is how we are getting through it. Today I was sick with a stomach bug and could not take care of my son so he had to stay up all day. He is a bit grumpy! Good luck! Let us know your decision.

Ps--I kinda like having the bed to myself!

 

[Fabinva]

My husband worked 2nd shift for years while I worked first, only saw him on weekends and sometimes he even worked all weekend. It was hard to adjust at first but it worked well saving us a lot of money on daycare and we got used to it. Prior to 2nd shift he worked 3rd shift and never got used to that, for us second shift was a lot better.
We talked during the day on the phone and tried to make the best of the weekends

 

[Jajone]

To be honest, I started reading this thread to get help myself. I'm sorta a PM shift widow. My husband works noon to 8, but often gets stuck late and works a lot of Saturdays as well. I have 3 kids (DD9, DS7 and DS2). The hardest part is doing all the running, supper, homework, lunches, etc myself. I work days. When others in his department take vacation, he has to fill in, usually 4-midnight or midnight to 8am. I MUCH MUCH prefer the night shift. He is able to sleep during the day when the kids and I are gone and then is awake at night to see us. He sees the kids much more and can participate in their events. We are crossing our fingers and waiting for a man to retire in the next year so DH can move to nights!

 

[CountyMounty]

I think 3rd shift could be better than 2nd if you and kid(s) will be gone during the day for work/school, that way he will be able to sleep when you are gone and then have the evenings. No matter what working odd shifts certainly presents some difficulties. I work 12hr nights 7 to 7. I work 2 days on 2 days off so this is even more of a messed up schedule. More "days" off but more changes in sleep schedule. Getting used to working nights wasn't that hard the hard part was deciding what to do on days off, sleep or not. For us it worked out OK because I can normally take care of our DS two days a week on my days off and he goes to child care the other 3 days, as DW works a normal Monday through Friday. When you throw in overtime and other things that pop up, like court or forced call out for me, its gets pretty hectic and while it can be trying and not ideal we manage fine now. I often am awake for over 24hrs straight but my body seems to have adjusted well. It just takes some planning and getting used to. Once DS is old enough to go to school it will work out better I think to have the house to self to sleep all days or even better, when if I go back to days. Just hang in there eventually you might be able to get back to a normal schedule but for now do the best you can, I think 3rd shift might be worth a try.

 

[eh24fan]

Ugh 2nd shift...my DBF works 2nd and always has since we got together. In some ways I HATE it because he always misses out on the evening stuff Mon-Fri, I'm always going everywhere alone with the kids, etc. But in other ways it's good because we have never had to pay for daycare when I was working.

When he was off for Christmas and New Year's it drove me NUTS! I am so used to having MY time at night that him being here threw me off and just irritated the crap out of me! I was so glad when he went back to work. The first week was GREAT! I was so happy to just be home together, to go places together, etc. The 2nd week...I was just annoyed and irritated and grumpy. I wanted to be ALONE for 10 minutes.

Sooo, you will get used to it.

 

[69RoadRunner]

I work with people who live in other states and come here Mon - Fri or Mon - Thu and then go home on the weekends. It could be worse.

Third shift is hard on the body. My brother did it for a few years.

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate everything. Where you work and where you live. Whatever you do, go very easy on him and stay positive. Never blame him or get angry (I'm not saying you are). It's got to be very hard on him, and these days, putting food on the table and keeping a roof overhead is priority 1.

I wish you the best in your decisions.

 

[delmar411]

DH works mostly what would be considered 2nd shift (noon/1pm to 11pm). I hate it and it's not reasonable but it pays the bills and that's what's important.

I'd be thrilled if he was around on the weekends though. DH's days off are Mon and Thur, no holidays, no exceptions. (which means he worked Thanksgiving and Christmas even though those were his days off)

I'm worried about how the kids will react once they all start school. My oldest has been acting out because of the lack of 'dad' time since kindy. Now my 2nd DD will be starting K in Aug and she won't see him at all either. She's a complete daddy's girl too so it's going to be ugly. Then I've got my 2 boys starting next year and the year after (they are starting one right after another for 3yrs). So once the youngest is in K, DH is really going to have to make the effort to find more reasonable hours elsewhere.

I don't have any coping tips as I barely make it through each day. DH and I get very little sleep so that we can get everything done that needs to and still see each other a bit.

 

[puffkin]

My whole life my dad worked swing shifts for a local steel plant (he still does). His schedule is basically

Week 1- Day shift approx. 7-3
Week 2- 2nd shift approx. 3-11
Week 3- 3rd shift approx. 11-7

My mom worked days 8-4 at a law firm. My dad almost always works at least 2-3 doubles a week and he usually works at least 1 day through the weekend. That is where most of the money is.

My dad HATES 2nd shift. It basically kills the whole day. He also hated it when we were kids because he never saw us and couldn't go to our activities. He works with a lot of single guys that prefer that shift so he often will trade out that whole week for night shift.

When he works night shift he usually was up while we got ready for school/work. Then he slept while we were gone and was up by mid/late afternoon. My dad can sleep anytime/anywhere, so he has no issues adjusting.

My MIL worked night shift for years at a hospital. She usually worked 4 days a week. Her problem was that she didn't keep her night schedule on her days off. She basically lived in a fog all those years. She also would sleep a few hours in the morning and then a few hours after dinner. Totally messed up her body. Her off days she slept at night, but would still sleep a lot through the day. I have no idea why she did this as she basically couldn't function at all. She now has a day shift job at a doctors office and she is doing much better and her health has also improved.

In your situation, I would think nightshift would work out much better....especially if your DF can discipline himself to get the proper sleep. You should also look to see if he would get a shift differential for working 3rd shift. It will probably take him about 2 weeks to adjust to the new schedule.

 

[ZPT1022]

When he was off for Christmas and New Year's it drove me NUTS! I am so used to having MY time at night that him being here threw me off and just irritated the crap out of me! I was so glad when he went back to work. The first week was GREAT! I was so happy to just be home together, to go places together, etc. The 2nd week...I was just annoyed and irritated and grumpy. I wanted to be ALONE for 10 minutes.

Sooo, you will get used to it.

My DH worked third shift for about 7 years before switching to a new job. So we went from him being gone from about 5:00 pm until as late as 9:00 am to him being gone for 2 1/2 months solid while he was training, and then to the new schedule he has. Wednesday through Saturday, 8:30 am-7:00 pm (or later depending on how his day runs). At first he was still going Monday-Friday to his old job to help them transition and train his replacement, so M-F 9 pm to 1-1:30 am. Now he still goes a few days a week to the old job and I find myself in the same boat when he is home for a long time. I don't like being alone but you get used to it. You get used to having your own space and things running your way.

The worst part for me with the weird shifts has been feeling like I do everything with the kids myself. We try to do as much as possible on Mondays and Tuesdays while he's home (dr's visits, conferences, etc...) but I can't help when the school schedules concerts and all that sort of thing. More often than not I find myself attending alone. It drives me nuts. I'd like the option of either attending as a family or if only one of us goes, then at least it's because the other one is home with the other kids. It makes me reluctant to sign up for things that happen in the evenings because I know that I'll be the one stuck going alone to all of it, with the other kids in tow.

The only other gripe I have with being on opposite shifts from DH is that he tends to get stuck on the whole "I've worked all night, I'm exhausted" thing. After being up all night with a kid with an ear infection or a stomach bug or whatever, I may well be just as tired and it sucks to listen to him upstairs in bed snoring away while I still have to go about my day as normal. It kind of feels like a- he's here and he should pitch in, and b-his sleep is somehow more important than mine, which I don't always agree with. The worst is when the kids are sick and I am sick at the same time.

After over eight years of weird shifts, those are my top two huge complaints. On a more minor note, it gets frustrating that no one really understands what his schedule is. Family and friends, no matter how many times we've explained it, can't seem to grasp anything different than M-F 9-5.


meant to add- you make do with what you have to. At his old job, it was the best way to get ahead and get promoted without having to do a full flex schedule which could mean working til midnight one night and then having to be in at 5 am the next day. At his new job, hopefully this isn't forever but right now he's only been there a year and is low man on the totem pole schedule wise. Hopefully it's not forever but we'll get through it.

 

[eh24fan]

The worst part for me with the weird shifts has been feeling like I do everything with the kids myself. We try to do as much as possible on Mondays and Tuesdays while he's home (dr's visits, conferences, etc...) but I can't help when the school schedules concerts and all that sort of thing. More often than not I find myself attending alone. It drives me nuts. I'd like the option of either attending as a family or if only one of us goes, then at least it's because the other one is home with the other kids. It makes me reluctant to sign up for things that happen in the evenings because I know that I'll be the one stuck going alone to all of it, with the other kids in tow.

The only other gripe I have with being on opposite shifts from DH is that he tends to get stuck on the whole "I've worked all night, I'm exhausted" thing. After being up all night with a kid with an ear infection or a stomach bug or whatever, I may well be just as tired and it sucks to listen to him upstairs in bed snoring away while I still have to go about my day as normal. It kind of feels like a- he's here and he should pitch in, and b-his sleep is somehow more important than mine, which I don't always agree with. The worst is when the kids are sick and I am sick at the same time.

After over eight years of weird shifts, those are my top two huge complaints. On a more minor note, it gets frustrating that no one really understands what his schedule is. Family and friends, no matter how many times we've explained it, can't seem to grasp anything different than M-F 9-5.
.

Oh the "I worked so my tired is worse than your being up with the baby tired" really irritates me! IF we fight, that's usually what it is. He takes a nap every day, M-F, without fail. I do not get that option, then he can't understand why I don't want to wait up for him and hang out when he gets home.

I hate going to EVERYTHING by myself. I know it's not true, but I always feel like people think he's just not involved. Then, there is my family...they get the 2nd shift thing, but I don't think they get that it's hard on us. Well, not my mom at least. When I complain, she just says "Well he has to work, so quit complaining"

 

[summermac]

My DH does not work 2nd or 3rd shift but he does work the same schedule as a PP - 12 hour days from 7a to 7p though. His schedule rotates every other week in this manner:
Week 1 - work M & T off W & Tr, work F, Sa & Su (which they consider Sunday in week 2 but I don't.)
Week 2 - off M & T, work W & Tr, off F, Sa & Su

I work M-F from 8a - 4p. His schedule allows for him to be home a lot with our kids (4 & 20 mo) but man does it make it hard to have a lot of family time. During my work week, we're so busy with day to day life that it's often hard to have a "weekend" on W & Tr. Then I'm alone with the kids for my entire weekend as by the time he gets home, one is in bed and one is about to go.

He's always worked this schedule so I'm mostly used to it. I just embrace it and jokingly call the weekends he works my "single mom weekends." I also have a close friend who's DH is a miner with 2 rotating days off a week so we often hang out on the weekends, so that's always nice.

What really stinks the MOST is that in order for us to have a vacation week with two full weekends, my DH has to take extra days off instead of just a "week." He has to take a full week and then two extra days. When we go to WDW this year he took off the week where he works Su, W, Tr and so he's off that Fr, Sa, Su but in order to leave the previous Friday, he has to take TWO days off (Fr & Sa). Ugh.

And the other thing that drives me nuts is that his family can NEVER understand his schedule. He's worked at this place forever and they'll still call me and ask if he's off today or whatever. Come on people. LOL.

Whoa, this is getting long.

 

[ZPT1022]

Oh the "I worked so my tired is worse than your being up with the baby tired" really irritates me! IF we fight, that's usually what it is. He takes a nap every day, M-F, without fail. I do not get that option, then he can't understand why I don't want to wait up for him and hang out when he gets home.

I hate going to EVERYTHING by myself. I know it's not true, but I always feel like people think he's just not involved. Then, there is my family...they get the 2nd shift thing, but I don't think they get that it's hard on us. Well, not my mom at least. When I complain, she just says "Well he has to work, so quit complaining"

Cool, I'm so glad someone else gets it. I was afraid I would be flamed for being insensitive or naggy or a *b*

I definitely hear you on people thinking he's not involved, or at least feeling that way. There's been more than one evening event that I've had to attend with my younger two (twins) in tow and it is plain to see that they really should not be out, but at home getting ready for or into bed. What can you do though? Never let the older kids do anything? It's such a crappy spot to be in.

My DH does not work 2nd or 3rd shift but he does work the same schedule as a PP - 12 hour days from 7a to 7p though.

That's about the schedule my DH is on now, with a few hours at his now part time, used to be full time job. They want him to stay on because he's qualified, trained and certified to teach and license new people on the equipment. It's nice to be wanted and all, but...

anyhoo- the getting home at 7 or later is enough to kill all the evening stuff, especially all the kids sports and all the stuff at the school. Plus, "done at 7" isn't always done at 7. He works for a utility company, he can't just be like "Oh, it's seven, see you later!" He has to finish up whatever call he's on. Sometimes that means not getting in until closer to 8:30 or 9:00

Do you find too that after such a long day he just wants to come in and decompress? And while I can't blame him, the kids are so excited to see him, and they really just want some time with him before they have to go to bed and he's kind of done in at that point. The kids are pretty much jumping on him at the door the second they hear the key in the lock.

What really stinks the MOST is that in order for us to have a vacation week with two full weekends, my DH has to take extra days off instead of just a "week." He has to take a full week and then two extra days. When we go to WDW this year he took off the week where he works Su, W, Tr and so he's off that Fr, Sa, Su but in order to leave the previous Friday, he has to take TWO days off (Fr & Sa). Ugh.

We're having that problem now with the new Weds-Sat schedule. DH just asked for time off for April vacation- the first part we are going to be on a scout trip and then we'll do something as a family. He has to ask for almost 2 work weeks off just to be able to go for an 8-9 day trip.

And the other thing that drives me nuts is that his family can NEVER understand his schedule. He's worked at this place forever and they'll still call me and ask if he's off today or whatever. Come on people. LOL.

That's my DH's family too. His mom makes me really crazy with all her "oh poor him, oh put your feet up, rest for once" nonsense. Plus they don't understand the schedule and everytime someone calls they say "AM I calling too late? Is this a bad time?" They mean well, but geez. I have caller ID, and I did pick up. LOL

Whoa, this is getting long.

kind of nice to be able to get it out, isn't it?



OP, sorry that you haven't gotten much advice but at least you know you're not alone

 

[WantToGoNow]

My dh works 4:00 pm until 2:00 am - not shift you would call it but his work calls it 2nd shift. I really have no experience with 3rd shift. When I was working I basically didn't see him except weekends (when he wasn't working them). I am at home now so I see him a bit. But, my ds7 doesn't see him at all - he's gone to school long before dh gets up and dh has gone to work by the time he gets home from school. Dd5 gets to spend the afternoons with him.

He's been on 1st shift for the past month but will be going back to 2nd week after next. The kids have gotten used to him being home in the evenings so I know it will be rough on them again when he starts 2nd shift again.

It does have it's benefits however - a couple of extra hours work each day and a 2nd shift bonus so it does help with living expenses.

 

[summermac]

Do you find too that after such a long day he just wants to come in and decompress? And while I can't blame him, the kids are so excited to see him, and they really just want some time with him before they have to go to bed and he's kind of done in at that point. The kids are pretty much jumping on him at the door the second they hear the key in the lock.

YES! And what really drives me nuts is when he'll tell me "I'm tired! I worked all day!" and it's on a day I worked too and then ran around picking up the kids at the sitter, and then got home, cooked dinner, gave baths and got them ready for bed. HELLO? I'm tired too. Take 10 minutes and spend with your kids. But on the other hand, on the days he's off and I come home, I just want to chill for a few minutes before I'm attacked by the kids too. LOL. He never has to do anything when he comes home though - shower, eat and chill with the kids. When I get home (even when he's off) I usually still have to do dinner and then work on getting things ready for the next day so I win!

And while I'm going off, I also hate the mood he's in on Thursdays when he's off. He's always such a buttface b/c he has to work all weekend. What? It's 3 days and then you're off for two. Deal buckaroo.

He's talked about picking up extra shifts once the kids are in school so he's not at home bored. It'd be great but problem is he'd have to do 7-7 again. I'm not okay with that b/c I want him around for the few events he's able to attend and to not have to do the after school care shuffle FIVE days a week. Three is bad enough. I grew up with an absent father (truck driver so always working) and it was hard. I don't want that for my kids.

 

[dogluva]

My husband worked first until 2007 when he was laid off. He found a second shift briefly and we hated it. I have six kids and work during the day. All but my youngest are in school full time.

He recently got a third shift and it has been great. M-F 11-7. He gets home at 7:15 and helps me get the kids out the door. He sleeps 8-3. The kids get home at three. He is home the whole night with us! We go to bed early so he works out around 9:30 and then goes to work from there (after he showers, of course!). It stinks not having him home but I have two very loud dogs and live in a safe neighborhood. I am also not really afraid of being alone anyway (I have three big teens in the house, usually!).

I, personally, prefer first for his sake but I have to say, third works better for us. He has more time in the day since first he was getting home around 5 or 6 p.m. Now he is up at three and rested, as oppossed to being tired from work.
He also has all day Monday off. He can get things done that he needs to do around the house or errands. If the kids and I have Mondays off we can do things as a family. I am a teacher so in the summer this will also be nice.

Hope this helps.

 

[Minnie]

I don't feel soooo alone tonight Thank you all for your stories

I really think DF wants to take the 3rd shift position. He has to make a decision by start of shift on Monday and wouldn't get to move until a replacement for 2nd was found. Until then it's 12hr work days

We are going to sit down and list out all the pluses and minuses that each of us sees for the two options. Then try to make a decision that we can both live with.... Heck if he takes it and it doesn't work it's likely that a 2nd shift position would open back up

Please keep sharing as it really helps

 

[bjscheel]

We've done it for a while. At one point he was supposedly getting off at 9 so if it was Friday I'd let the kids stay up till 9:30 just in case he got home by then. He had to stand the whole time so of course that was exhausting. I got a lot of eBay listing done though, having from kids bedtime to my bedtime to myself!

He got laid off and now does daily trucking (home every night) but who knows when. Last night he was home after kids bedtime and gone again before they got up. A lot of days it's more like 7:30-5:30, but you just never know. I've asked him to call before supper if he knows he won't be home- then I can cook less. But that doesn't happen. If I don't hear from him by 9:00 pm I call him to make sure he's still alive...