Any advice on giving advice?...long post

[Ibelieveinfairies]

Hi everyone...got a call from a dear, dear friend of mine who let me know that her husband left her a couple of days ago...she told me a long story that he had cheated on her this past spring and told her about it over the summer...they thought they could work through it (she went to counseling for herself...thought the reason he cheated was because she had been depressed and not treating him well...he agreed, apparently...but he got no counseling and they got no marriage counseling together)...long story short (and hopefully not confusing) he ups and says he is leaving her for a few days to "think things through" and decide if he wants to be married to her or not.

At first, I just listened and tried to be supportive. She is waiting at home for him to come back and wants to make it work...the more I think about it, the more I want to just tell her to pack up her stuff and leave him! What a pig!

Should I continue to just listen or should I put my two cents worth in?

PS...they have been married only a year and a couple of days! Yikes!!

 

[Cruisin]

I think listening would be the better idea. If you give your opinion and she gets back with him then you may not be looked on as being her friend.

If they don't get back together then maybe she will be thankful to you for just giving her the chance to vent her feelings without judgment.

 

[DawnCt1]

You could probably give her "balanced" advice. The pros of keeping him and the pros of cutting him loose. You know and I know that a man that cheats this early in a marriage is probably a huge loser. I certainly wouldn't want to have children with him. You may suggest that she postpone having a family until she is assured that "their problems are behind them", etc.
The problem is, if you are honest and she reconciles with him, you are HISTORY. She will be embarrassed that you know that she is married to a loser and that she was a sucker. He will hate you because you know what he is so he will insist that she terminate your friendship. That may happen anyway because you know what he is, but if you put words to it and she stays, your gone.

 

[Microcell]

Do they have kids? Is she pregnant?

I hope she gives alot of thought to starting a family if he does stay!

I have to say that I have opened my big mouth before about a guy and they worked things out, so I lost a friend. I would be supportive and hope she comes to a good decision, but if you speak ill of him you could lose a friend.

 

[Ibelieveinfairies]

I think I will keep my mouth shut...I don't want to lose her friendship. No, they don't have children yet, but she is desparate to have a baby (I think a major factor in why she is so willing to stay with him). I just hope that they can work things out and not bring children into an unhappy marriage. Thanks for the advice, everyone.

 

[diznygirl]

Keep it fair and balanced right now. You can play devil's advocate and say the things you'd like to say - just be sure you are telling her "Just to be the devil's advocate here - what about filing for divorce?" That way you can tell her you are just helping her see both sides right now, since she is so emotionally invested in the situation. And make sure she is ready if HE files for divorce first.

Just be sure not to use words like "pig" even if it's currently true!

We were involved in this situation for awhile with friends of ours - there was a little wrong on both sides, so we had to be careful. Especially since they didn't file for divorce right away. But once it became apparent she was the one responsible, I told him exactly how I felt. He didn't agree with me at first - but he sure agrees now!

Good luck!

 

[arminnie]

Originally posted by DawnCt1
You know and I know that a man that cheats this early in a marriage is probably a huge loser.

Amen!

I don't think I would give her any advice as to whether to stay or to leave, but I would tell her that she needs to protect herself financially. We've all seen it happen way too often when one party cleans out all of the assets and runs up debts to leave behind.

She should go to her doctor and be checked for STDs also.

 

[Ibelieveinfairies]

Originally posted by arminnie


She should go to her doctor and be checked for STDs also.

I am so naive, I didn't even think of that! I will remind her of that, too.