Any advice for too many gifts?

[lillygator]

Ok - I need help relaying information to family members regarding a "no gift" policy. I have tried talking to my mother and she just rolls her eyes. This weekend she watched the kids for the day and when we returned she had bought her the Sleeping Beauty costume, the Princess Dance activity DVD, and a few other Cinderella items all things that I have already purchased for either her birthday, Christmas or Tinkerbell treats. I understand Grandma's like to spoil but I am so sick of it....I gave her DD's birthday invite which we are having at WDW at the end of the month. It states, please no gifts, which I reminded my mom of and she rolled her eyes. So I can bet that upon showing up at the restaurant she will have gifts and if so I will give to DH to take out to the car. Christmas is another mess, there are gifts upon gifts - it usually takes forever to open them. DD is at a very impressionable age and I really don't want to teach her that this is normal. My mom doesn't get the concept of a few small gifts.
I just don't know how to get it through her head. If she needs to spend so much money she can buy one gift and then make a contribution to her college fund. I think she feels it is important to open gifts and she also wants to make sure dd knows who it is from. Last birthday DD was only 2 and mom kept stressing this is from gma....loudly. Last year she wanted to buy her the Disney Jeep - (she did ask for once) and I said no - #1 she is way to young and #2 that is something I want to get her from Santa one year. When I said no there was a few days of pouting and acting childish on her part.
Another thing - when the family gets together it's difficult because the outlawz only send a couple gifts and then there is my family with a ton...as I said DD is at a very impressionable age and it also makes me feel uncomfortable. Opening gifts last year was embarrassing and I didn't even put out the gifts from DH and I because there was so many already.


can anyone offer any advice? I have tried to talk to her and that has not worked at this point. Would a letter be rude? I think it may come down to action on our part. DH and I have discussed this (he is pretty disgusted with the amount of gifts) and if she brings tons of gifts this year we plan on pulling some out to save for another time. But then that would be pretty rude too - but it may get the point across that this practice is not acceptable and we do not want to raise our children this way.

Anyone else been in this situation? any advice? It is pretty difficult because she gets miffed VERY easily and then treats me badly. It's amazing I am a grown woman and still feel as though I have to walk on eggshells around my mother.

 

[Pixiedust34]

Could you suggest something like a zoo membership and/or a museum membership for your family, and say that you would enjoy having the grandparents come along to the zoo/museum a few times so you could all enjoy the trip together? If they can participate in the gift, would they be open about something like a family membership? Maybe they'd look forward to special outings with the kids.

If that fails, how about a few Disney-related gifts, and let the rest of the "gift" be money toward your next trip.

 

[tlbwriter]

You've got to treat this as you would treat any other thing your mother did that flew in the face of your parenting style, whether it was feeding her candy bars for breakfast or telling her she didn't have to go to bed when mom told her to. You've tried doing the respectful thing, and it didn't work. Your mother is refusing to respect your parenting decisions, so it's time to get down and dirty. When mom shows up with an armload of gifts, meet her at the door (so DD doesn't see) holding a garbage bag and say "Okay, she can have two of these today. Pick out the ones you want to give her, and I'm giving the rest to Goodwill." Tell her that the next time DD comes home from a day at Grandma's loaded with gifts will be the last time she spends the day there.

 

[Brygida]

I think it may come down to action on our part. DH and I have discussed this (he is pretty disgusted with the amount of gifts) and if she brings tons of gifts this year we plan on pulling some out to save for another time. But then that would be pretty rude too - but it may get the point across that this practice is not acceptable and we do not want to raise our children this way. It is pretty difficult because she gets miffed VERY easily and then treats me badly. It's amazing I am a grown woman and still feel as though I have to walk on eggshells around my mother.

If you can do what you need to do *without* initiating a confrontation or a debate, that is what you are shooting for.

Your child won't remember everything that was opened... so return it, regift, or give it away. Whatever you think you can do. Keep the things you want for later, if you want to. Do what is right for you.

If you are attending an event (like Christmas) with a lot of gift giving... plan another visit the same day (to a friend's, to church, etc) that would mean you only have a few minutes for gifts. Leave yours for them. Take any of their's with you. Or, if they protest, say you will have to get them another time.

Eventually you can train a misbehaving (threatening, abusive) mother. Your actions will speak louder than any words. Don't talk. Do.

 

[NotUrsula]

Our rule is that unless it is a gift for Xmas, birthday, etc., it has to be left at G'ma's house to be played with only there. You would be AMAZED at how the gifting fell off once the resulting clutter became her responsibility and not ours.

 

[Rapunsel]

My mom lives 3,000 miles away and it is so hard for her not to want to spoil them. So this year she got us all $99 passes to Disneyland. Taht we can enjoy wehn we go to visit her. So it was a great idea for all of us. She did get DD 9 months other things as she does not need a pass. So we don't worry about giving extravagant gifts and such. But when she does come to visit or vice versa she takes them out and gets them one nice thing that they may desire.

But then if the kids need something, ice: pj's that I can't find out here, or she says she found a good deal on clothes what size. She does that. But she would never show up with an armload. As much as she wants to.

She also does for me by not geting us gifts, but helping us with home improvements. Ie carpet for the kids room, a fence for the back yard, a new driveway.

So that works well for us.. And everyone is happy.

I won't talk about the M-I-L though. She just doesn't have a clue!

 

[missbehavin]

with my MIL and our 4 DDs. We had so much "stuff" we could barely move. We had a talk with her and suggested that she instead give each one something that would last them a lifetime. So now, rather than "town day" gifts, she pays for their piano lessons.

For their birthdays & Christmas, they each get 1/2 of a place setting of her silver pattern (1 place setting per year). Her silver ( complete place settings for 32 and serving pieces) will be divided between her children, so eventually my girls will end up with some of Nana's actual pieces in addition to the ones that she has given to them

These are things that they will treasure forever.

 

[lillygator]

I have tried suggesting membership to things or gift certificates for dance classes, etc - her thing is that DD won't realize the "gift" by opening that. Which is exactly what I don't want to teach her.

I would love to put on paper a gift wish list since I know she won't be able to not buy anything but is that rude? How could I title it so that I could send it to both gma's?

 

[graygables]

Hey, Sis...you mean we're NOT related???

My mother does the very same thing, but with American Girl stuff. We have som much AG it's not even funny. I also struggle with it. DD just had a birthday and, of course, my mom got her AG stuff which she really didn't want, but didn't want to be rude. To keep us from being able to return anything, my mom immediately took it all out and crushed the boxes. At Christmas, I have "filtered" gifts before (unwrap and return), but it's getting harder. My mother buys what SHE wants with no regard to what we may need or want. It's very frustrating b/c she will not listen and I wind up listing a bunch of crap on eBay.

I am getting to the point where I'm going to give her a list and tell her that if she buys anything not on the list that it will be returned, given to Goodwill or sold on eBay (she always removes tags and NEVER gives gift receipts) b/c we just can't take anymore clutter. I just have to acknowledge that we are fundamentally different when it comes to our viewpoints on, well, on EVERYTHING and she is going to have to start respecting my decisions about my own children.

You might read the book Boundaries. It has really helped me at least internally start taking some steps toward dealing w/ my mother.

Good luck!!!

 

[Brygida]

I just have to acknowledge that we are fundamentally different when it comes to our viewpoints on, well, on EVERYTHING and she is going to have to start respecting my decisions about my own children.

You might read the book Boundaries. It has really helped me at least internally start taking some steps toward dealing w/ my mother.

Amen. That is the crux of this thread isn't.... someone stomping over/through your boundaries!

My mother does not know boundaries... We've had to decide what the boundaries are and my DH and I have had to enforce them steadily, since before the baby was born!

This *has* worked... she can either comply or she doesn't see us or the baby.

 

[Embel]

I have this problem with my MIL. No amount of hints or even downright begging will change it. We see her once a week. She brings cookies, donuts, candy & at least one toy for each child. EVERY WEEK. I throw at least half of the food away every week. Christmas is a nightmare. She gives close to 40 presents to each child. She grossly overshadows Santa, which is a big issue with me, and also my family. My Mother simply can't afford to give on this level, and I know that she feels very uncomfortable with it.

I often grab several of the things she brings before they can be opened (when she isn't looking, of course) and hide them away to give as presents to the Bday parties we have to go to throughout the year.

 

[momxx5]

I cannot offer any advice....

however I can offer a totally different point of view.

My children receive very, very little from their grandparents. Even when they were born, they recieved nothing more than a picture frame.
The only gifts my children recieve are on their birthdays or at Christmas time and they are from DH & I.

I cannot imagine having children so doted upon and getting so much.

Maybe you can teach your children to "share and give" and let them pick half of the gifts and take them to the children's hospital.

Good luck.

 

[Belle1962]

DS has informed me that I give too many gifts at Christmas to my DGS (and throughout the year but we were discussing Christmas at the time). He told me to scale back. My DGS's birthday is the beginning of January and we frequently rewrap Christmas into Birthday gifts. It takes him SEVERAL HOURS to open everything on Christmas. So, I am going to give him an annual pass for Disney World and a few small gifts. Ok--just a few other gifts--can't promise they'll be 'small". But I am trying to honor his wishes.

 

[funcinderella]

Wow, I just got into a discussion with my mother this weekend about the very same topic. She over-indulges my children with EVERYTHING. However, she also watches them 4 days a week, takes them to the doctor whenever I need her to, takes them even when she's sick, devotes all of her attention to them while she's with them, taught them to swim, to ride a bike etc. etc. She's a totally devoted grandmother. BUT, whenever they go in to ANY store, they come out with SOMETHING. It drives me nuts!! The first thing they say when we walk into a store is "Can I get a toy?" It end up making me look like the bad guy, but there is no need for all of this plastic junk, that gets forgotten the next day! Since she is so good to them in every other way, it's hard to press this issue, but it is getting ridiculous. And the rule has been for a while that she has to keep everythign she buys at her house. (So her house is now like a toy store; they have their own bedroom there, and a whole outdoor play area and swing set too.) I guess I'm hpoing once they start school full time, it will scale back a little because they won'tbe with her as much.

I'd like to hear more suggestions about this issue.

 

[lillygator]

I really hate to say anything because I know she means well, but I still really don't agree with it and don't want DD to expect it!

 

[Mom to Jordan]

I think that it helps to remember that unless your child is spending huge amounts of time with her grandmother, that it is your values that she will internalize.

Some people have this "need" to give. My MIL had NOTHING growing up. She was able to give her children a few extras but as the grandchildren came along she was able to "spoil" them a little and it gave her such joy that we sometimes looked the other way. Now we did set a few limits such as when she wanted Santa to come to her house for DS as well as ours and we said no, and we set limits on toys we did not want him to have and set safety rules but tried not to limit too much.

I see absolutly nothing wrong with giving grandma "list" of ideas that you child would love, or you at least would prefer she got. I would enncourge books, tickets to events etc.

I always pulled a few gifts out every year after birthday or Christmas and stashed them away for later when the newness wore off the other things. I always had something hid in my closet for snow days, sick days, or just I am board times.
We also had toys that lived at grandmas because she chose that toy and she would really enjoy seeing you play with it. Like the DRUMS .

For the other grandma that can not spend that kind of money, play up to your child the things that she does share with you such as time, or special meals etc. AT this point your child has no idea of money value but as she grows older put your values into words and let her know that buying nice things for people are just ONE way of showing you care.

Good luck and remember how blessed your child is to have a grandparent that wants to give her the world.

Jordan's mom

 

[Dani&Pao'sMom]

Hey, Sis...you mean we're NOT related???

My mother does the very same thing

I have to agree!!!!! maybe our moms are long lost sisters or something like that!

She still gets DD lots of things, most of them the kind of things you would find at a Dollar store..... she thinks it is better to have 20 little things that one very good thing. It has been really hard and a couple of weeks ago we have a very serious "talk" via email. (it is easier to email her than talk to her, she just would change the sense of everything you say to make it an insult to her, how she manages that I don't really know! ). I've repeated and repeated myself, get her things that DD might enjoy and like not what YOU like.... it is not easy. Could it be that she "rolls her eyes" because she feels that you are very strict? I've read that it is easier to negotiate when you agree with the other part (I'll let you know when I'm able to do this! ), can you acknowledge her need to give and at the same time set limits? I would let her know that she got your daughter things that you already had for her birthday, christmas etc and although you understand her desire to make her happy, she just ruined your surprises and it would be so great if she checks with you beforehand so that doesn't happen (that's been my argument on more than one ocasion). I think that chosing presents priviledge is for the parents. After all, you are raising the kids. and if they want to "spoil" them it must be in a set framework. I think it is totally acceptable to have a wish list and if you think she will get everything on the list, make it very short!!!!!!! give her guidelines.... give her a few choices (of your choice!), couple of nice things that you know your daugher will like.... if she's such a giver you won't change her.... compromise with her. for the no-gifts birthday party a gift from the heart would be advisable.... like a picture frame made by the two of them with a picture of them. Or a craft game that they can do together.... something appealing for both. ie, my mother loves all kind of necklaces, earrings etc so she has baby food jars filled with beads and they've spent several hours making necklaces. I'm sure DD enjoys that much more than the cheap dolls. DD's birthday is this thursday, my mom asked me for advice!!!!! she saw this beautiful castle (like a little playground) in disneyshopping.com and wanted to get her that..... I don't have space at home so I suggested Polly Pockets that DD loves.... and sent her several links in amazon with different options... she got her two sets of polly pockets and a box to store the accesories... we both have changed our approach. she asks, I offer different options.... however, that doesn't apply to clothes yet!!!!! I cannot complain, she always gets her nice things that she can use to school.... and she's learning to ask about clothes but not quite there.....
I know it is so easy for me to say all this.... your mom is not my mom and when it comes to my mom all my "wisdom" goes away and I really loose it! Please, let us know how it goes with your mom.... I certainly can do with some tips!

uf! this was long.... hope you didn't get bored! just a very sensitive situation for me.... mom doesn't even know the meaning of the word "boundaries" for anything..... it is really hard.... and it's been the source of many disagreements between us.

 

[tlbwriter]

I really hate to say anything because I know she means well, but I still really don't agree with it and don't want DD to expect it!

Here's something to think about... why do you assume she means well? From what you've said, (a) she doesn't care that it makes you, DH, and the in-laws uncomfortable, (b) it's not done for the pure joy of giving, because she goes to great lengths to make sure they know it was from grandma, (c) she pouts when she doesn't get her way, and (d) she knows you don't want her to do it and she chooses to ignore your parenting decision - and in fact, to practically rub it in your face. I think it's a power struggle.

 

[Dani&Pao'sMom]

Here's something to think about... why do you assume she means well? From what you've said, (a) she doesn't care that it makes you, DH, and the in-laws uncomfortable, (b) it's not done for the pure joy of giving, because she goes to great lengths to make sure they know it was from grandma, (c) she pouts when she doesn't get her way, and (d) she knows you don't want her to do it and she chooses to ignore your parenting decision - and in fact, to practically rub it in your face. I think it's a power struggle.

In their own way, they mean well. It doesn't make it right but based on my mom, it could very well be that a) she was deprived when she was a kid, or her kids were and she wants to make up for that. b) she's very insecure and needs to make sure the grand kids know she's a cool grandmother. c) she's disapointed others don't share her way, others are wrong d) she is her mother and she thinks she knows what's best for her daugher and that means to ignore her daughter's parenting decision because she doesn't think that's correct.... and of course, all that could come to a power struggle but it might not be all about that....

 

[100AcreWood]

We are in a similiar boat with my Mom who does mean well. She loves buying dd presents. And our dd is the only grandkid on both sides (we're both only children)!

It's her right to spoil her grandchild but I think dd is becoming desensitized to presents. She doesn't have time to want anything before she has it! Fortunately my Mom said this year she is buying her two expensive items and then only 3-4 smaller presents. We'll see if she sticks to it. Last year it was 15 presents. She received more from Grandma and Grandpa then Santa and us put together! The other set of grandparents also goes a little overboard but not as bad.

For my Mom, it's three things 1) she is in competition with dd's other Grandma to be the favorite 2) she didn't have many toys as a child (she also overcompensated with me at Christmas) and 3) she has commented on numerous holidays that she was worried she didn't give dd enough! I think she honestly thinks dd is going to be upset if she doesn't get a boat load of stuff! And that's exactly the type of behavior we won't to discourage (acting spoiled).

Good luck to you! I'm going to see how this December goes