Another Wedding Spinoff--Alcohol at Reception

[DawnM]

I understand a person being against alcohol for themselves.
I don't understand how that is a justification to make choices for other people. Just because many don't drink, doesn't mean they should be offended by being in the mere presence of people who do. That strikes me as extreme.

However, I also concur that it is perfectly reasonable to have a dry luncheon. And don't really care about dry weddings in general, but the idea that a person would choose a dry wedding to avoid offending people who are offended by the mere sight of others drinking strikes me as an extreme accommodation.
I'm from the South, and have many very conservative Christian friends, but I'm grateful that none of them would have expected such an accommodation.

If I am against smoking, I am not going to offer cigarettes to others.

It is a belief system.

 

[DawnM]

I noticed that when we moved down South. The conservative religious groups up North didn't have a problem with alcohol, but in the South some of them consider even a drop of it to be forbidden.

At my daughters wedding, we actually had one table where we sat all those that felt that way and located it in the back, off to the side, so they wouldn't be in the middle of people drinking. They still had fun, they just left before the party got into full gear.

I'll also add that the time of the reception also has an impact on the expectations of the guests. My assumption would be open bar if it was a dinner time reception - and definitely if there was going to be a band or DJ. If it was labeled a "luncheon", I wouldn't make any assumptions.

Well, I got married in Southern California.

I don't care if others drink, I just am not going to provide it if I feel it is wrong.

And for the record, I don't really care, as I don't personally think it is wrong, but my parents do, and their friends do, and the church where we had the wedding and the reception did.

And my parents were paying for the wedding.....

 

[pryncess527]

If I am against smoking, I am not going to offer cigarettes to others.

I don't understand why this is so hard to understand.

I fail to see how that is a comparable analogy.
I don't eat fish, I might still offer a fish dish at my wedding
I don't like soda, but I offered soda as a beverage choice at my wedding.
Many don't like cake, but they serve cake at their wedding.

I would not expect a vegan to serve meat, but I would be even more shocked if a vegan offered meat for an extra cost, lol

I said, several times, I have no problem with a dry wedding. I've been to many dry weddings, as I grew up in a dry county. What confused me about the post I quoted, was the idea that it is offensive to have alcohol available if others don't drink. That a bride should be expected to have a dry wedding, whether it is what she and her groom want or not, because some guests are offended to be in the same room as alcohol being served.

 

[CPanther95]

I fail to see how that is a comparable analogy.
I don't eat fish, I might still offer a fish dish at my wedding
I don't like soda, but I offered soda as a beverage choice at my wedding.
Many don't like cake, but they serve cake at their wedding.

I would not expect a vegan to serve meat, but I would be even more shocked if a vegan offered meat for an extra cost, lol

I said, several times, I have no problem with a dry wedding. I've been to many dry weddings, as I grew up in a dry county. What confused me about the post I quoted, was the idea that it is offensive to have alcohol available if others don't drink. That a bride should be expected to have a dry wedding, whether it is what she and her groom want or not, because some guests are offended to be in the same room as alcohol being served.

Plus, there's no expectation that cigarettes would be provided at a dinner party, dance or reception. Only an expectation that there's a place smokers could go to smoke.

You don't find cigarettes on a restaurant menu.

 

[CPanther95]

Well, I got married in Southern California.

I don't care if others drink, I just am not going to provide it if I feel it is wrong.

And for the record, I don't really care, as I don't personally think it is wrong, but my parents do, and their friends do, and the church where we had the wedding and the reception did.

And my parents were paying for the wedding.....

And there's really no problem with that. It doesn't really fit into what we're discussing here if the host, guests and venue all feel the same way.

Eliminating it entirely because of your beliefs is much different than offering it, but making the guests pay for it just because you personally don't drink.

 

[DawnM]

Plus, there's no expectation that cigarettes would be provided at a dinner party, dance or reception. Only an expectation that there's a place smokers could go to smoke.

You don't find cigarettes on a restaurant menu.

There are plenty of restaurants that don't offer alcohol, in fact, when we moved to NC, I lived in a dry county and no restaurants offered it.

And there were no expectations that alcohol would be served at my wedding, at least not from my family or my parent's family friends.

Anyway, as I said, many of you will not understand.

I am not really going to argue though, you do your weddings your way, and we will do ours our way, we aren't attending each other's weddings anyway.

 

[DawnM]

And there's really no problem with that. It doesn't really fit into what we're discussing here if the host, guests and venue all feel the same way.

True, but I got questioned on it, so I was just responding.

And I did answer the OP's question in my first post/response.

 

[bcla]

Plus, there's no expectation that cigarettes would be provided at a dinner party, dance or reception. Only an expectation that there's a place smokers could go to smoke.

You don't find cigarettes on a restaurant menu.

I've actually heard of that, sort of. Coffee and cigarettes custard. Not quite sure how it was done, but it was some kind of infusion of crushed tobacco leaf.

As for the general gist of this thread, it's all a series of personal and financial choices. Open/cash/premium or completely dry doesn't really matter to me. I also agree that reading the crowd is probably a good idea, whether it's guests known to get belligerent with alcohol or a large proportion of the crowd that wouldn't approve.

 

[CPanther95]

There are plenty of restaurants that don't offer alcohol, in fact, when we moved to NC, I lived in a dry county and no restaurants offered it.

And there were no expectations that alcohol would be served at my wedding, at least not from my family or my parent's family friends.

Anyway, as I said, many of you will not understand.

I am not really going to argue though, you do your weddings your way, and we will do ours our way, we aren't attending each other's weddings anyway.

When we moved to NC, it was a dry county that had just recently became wet. Many of the restaurants had in their Yellow Pages ads "brown bagging allowed". Seemed silly to not allow the sale of alcohol, but you could get it from a neighboring county and even bring it with you to a restaurant in the dry county as long as it was in a brown paper bag.

But you're right, it is different down here. It's more common to see a wedding reception that is like a church picnic than it is to see a reception that is a nighttime gala like it is more frequently up North.

 

[Hikergirl]

For us, it was about not being offensive. We had more people coming who were absolutely against alcohol than those who wanted it.

Since we also had a lot of out of town guests who were driving a few hours each way, we decided the best way to deal with all of it was to have a buffet luncheon. Most drinkers wouldn't care if they didn't get alcohol for a noon meal, and that way we weren't offending anyone either.

I know many can't understand that, but in many conservative religious groups, drinking is not something they do.

I can totally understand that, and I can understand people not serving alcohol at a wedding. Its the "if someone can't go a day without a drink they have a problem" judgment I have an issue with.
It has nothing to do with not being able to go without, but someone who doesn't drink won't understand that.
I am not talking about true alcoholics, I'm talking about the casual drinker who enjoys a few cocktails when out for the day/night in a party setting like a wedding reception.

 

[DawnM]

I've actually heard of that, sort of. Coffee and cigarettes custard. Not quite sure how it was done, but it was some kind of infusion of crushed tobacco leaf.

As for the general gist of this thread, it's all a series of personal and financial choices. Open/cash/premium or completely dry doesn't really matter to me. I also agree that reading the crowd is probably a good idea, whether it's guests known to get belligerent with alcohol or a large proportion of the crowd that wouldn't approve.

I think a lot of it also comes down to what your family and their friends normally do.

My friends had their daughter's wedding in a barn that is also used a lot for receptions. They brought their own beer and wine and that was all that was served. No open bar, no mixed drinks, but they said that was perfectly normal for their family, to bring their own and have a friend/family member/neighbor be the "bartender."

Others will have open bar.

Another wedding I went to had an open bar of sorts but only served about 4 things.

But I still contend that guests should not have to pay for WHATEVER it is. So, no cash bar.

 

[DawnM]

I can totally understand that, and I can understand people not serving alcohol at a wedding. Its the "if someone can't go a day without a drink they have a problem" judgment I have an issue with.
It has nothing to do with not being able to go without, but someone who doesn't drink won't understand that.
I am not talking about true alcoholics, I'm talking about the casual drinker who enjoys a few cocktails when out for the day/night in a party setting like a wedding reception.

Yeah, I honestly don't have a judgement, although one person did comment that my wedding was "cheap" because I didn't have alcohol. She didn't even attend my wedding nor did I even know her when I got married. I thought it was funny. Total judgement without really knowing me.

And to be perfectly honest, I am encouraging my boys NOT to have an elaborate/expensive wedding. A tiny backyard ceremony is fine with me. Save your money for a house downpayment.

Obviously I have no idea who they will marry or what kind of money they will contribute, but heck, if a wedding cost $20K and most people have parents pitch in some and they pay some, just save the $$.

 

[nugov2]

There are plenty of restaurants that don't offer alcohol, in fact, when we moved to NC, I lived in a dry county and no restaurants offered it.

And there were no expectations that alcohol would be served at my wedding, at least not from my family or my parent's family friends.

Anyway, as I said, many of you will not understand.

I am not really going to argue though, you do your weddings your way, and we will do ours our way, we aren't attending each other's weddings anyway.

I think everyone can understand that concept, it is the offering of something and charging for it at the wedding people don't get. People also questioned why someone would judge people who do enjoy drinks and make statements like nobody needs to drink or if you need a drink at a wedding you need to look at yourself. People questioned why someone wouldn't offer something just because you don't like something if the majority of your guests would.

I'd imagine you know if your friends and family share beliefs that see alcohol as something not done. If my friends and family belong to a religious group where we don't believe in cake I'd think that the reasonable expectation would be no cake, but if I couldn't afford cake and centerpieces and I went with the centerpieces and charged my guests for cake that would be rude IMO. I also wouldn't not included coffee because I don't like it if that is the only reason for not including it because that is something most people enjoy after a meal. When you host a party you try to meet the needs/wants of the majority of your guests if you are a good host.

Comparing offering cigarettes to offering alcohol is not even close to the same.

 

[bcla]

Yeah, I honestly don't have a judgement, although one person did comment that my wedding was "cheap" because I didn't have alcohol. She didn't even attend my wedding nor did I even know her when I got married. I thought it was funny. Total judgement without really knowing me.

And to be perfectly honest, I am encouraging my boys NOT to have an elaborate/expensive wedding. A tiny backyard ceremony is fine with me. Save your money for a house downpayment.

Obviously I have no idea who they will marry or what kind of money they will contribute, but heck, if a wedding cost $20K and most people have parents pitch in some and they pay some, just save the $$.

I asked a coworker what he wanted as a wedding gift, and he said cash. His sister-in-law also worked at the company, and when we were discussing this, she said that she preferred cash, and that the cash gifts she got were more than enough to pay for her wedding and reception. They were originally from Vietnam, and cash gifts are common in Asian cultures.

 

[CPanther95]

I think a lot of it also comes down to what your family and their friends normally do.

My friends had their daughter's wedding in a barn that is also used a lot for receptions. They brought their own beer and wine and that was all that was served. No open bar, no mixed drinks, but they said that was perfectly normal for their family, to bring their own and have a friend/family member/neighbor be the "bartender."

Others will have open bar.

Another wedding I went to had an open bar of sorts but only served about 4 things.

But I still contend that guests should not have to pay for WHATEVER it is. So, no cash bar.

I prefer a full open bar just because of the variety available, but I have no problem with limiting it to just beer and wine for budget reasons. My bigger issue is that it should be proportional. A keg at a backyard reception is perfectly appropriate. When you start spending more on the venue, food, the formality, DJ, dancing, etc. to the point where you say, "We really need to provide a bar." - it should be an open bar. I also realize that if I go to a wedding hosted by a Southern Baptist family, I am not expecting any alcohol at all.

So I think we're pretty much on the same page.

I think we just drifted into a pro vs con argument about alcohol itself, and away from expectations of the typical guest when they receive an invitation for a "generic" wedding.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am going to have to pay more attention before DD gets married. She doesn't even have a boyfriend yet, so we have lots of time to figure out weddings and what is current!

It's actually pretty simple. Throw the kind of party you can afford or that your views dictate, without making your guests pay to attend.

And for God's sakes, at least have free water available

From the wedding guest's perspective, most likely they've bought at least one shower gift. Maybe attended a bachelor party. Brought a wedding gift. Now I have to pay for drinks too?

 

[Disney Doll]

My wedding many years ago was a dry wedding. It was at a hotel though so the people that really wanted alcohol could go and get it. We provided punches, juices and pop free. My fil decided that he couldn't do without getting drunk so had a room in the hotel that he set up with lots of alcohol. He then invited the one's on his side that were all alcoholics up there. That's where my dh's side stayed. Drinking. I was so glad we had gone with a dry wedding and I didn't have to put up with all those alcoholics.

For my daughters wedding my dh and I ended up paying for everything. We said we would pay for a dry wedding. We would provide punches, pop, ice tea, coffee, tea and juices free but NO alcohol. My son-in-law was upset and wanted an open bar. The people that were coming on our side didn't drink alcohol and we were not going to serve alcohol. Sorry but I don't believe in it or want it around me As well the hall we rented was going to cost a lot more because of alcohol. We told him and his family that if they wanted alcohol they could arrange it and they had to pay for the added cost for the hall before arranging anything. They did and then decided to have a cash bar. The caterer ended up being really mad at them because they sold hardly anything at all.

They also wanted champagne for the toasts and we had planned on a sparkling special drink. Again I told them if they wanted it they had to pay for it and pay for the fee for opening it. Didn't happen. They didn't want to have to pay for anything at all but wanted a lot of things.

Oh and the flower budget didn't cost us a cent. My sister had flower arrangements that she had made for a function she did (dried flowers) that were actually in the colours of the wedding. She let us use them.

We did supply lots to drink just not alcoholic drinks. If someone can't survive one evening without alcohol than something is wrong with them.

tigercat

I don't think the problem is not being able to survive without alcohol. On my mind, the problem is more "cone to my party and pay too".

I would be fine at a dry wedding as long as I had soft drinks if some sort.

 

[Shanti]

It's been many years since I've been to a reception with a cash bar, and I don't remember if there's a proper etiquette.

If a couple has a cash bar, should this be indicated to guests in advance, either on the invitation itself, or as an insert card in the invitation? Or should nothing be said and let the guests be surprised?

The same applies if ONLY wine and beer will be available. (No hard liquor available even for purchase).

Or if it's going to be a totally dry reception, should this also be announced in advance?

I personally would never have a cash bar, but I'm OK with people who do. But I WOULD like to know about it ahead of time.

There is no etiquette rule on how to do it, because etiquette doesn't sanction cash bars at all. You aren't supposed to charge guests for any part of your hospitality. Only provide what you can afford to give them graciously.

 

[Disney Doll]

For us, it was about not being offensive. We had more people coming who were absolutely against alcohol than those who wanted it.

Since we also had a lot of out of town guests who were driving a few hours each way, we decided the best way to deal with all of it was to have a buffet luncheon. Most drinkers wouldn't care if they didn't get alcohol for a noon meal, and that way we weren't offending anyone either.

I know many can't understand that, but in many conservative religious groups, drinking is not something they do.

So you threw the kind of party you wanted and, I assume, did not charge your guests $5/head to eat the buffet luncheon nor drink the soft drinks, right?

So you had a nice wedding that upheld your beliefs which is fine.

 

[aprilgail]

At bridal showers and baby showers, yes. But there are two bowls of it. One spiked and one not spiked.

I've never seen punch at a wedding.

I haven't seen punch at showers since the 1970's LOL. People still serve punch??