Another Wedding Question

[mjkacmom]

OK, what a lot of you are saying is, nobody EXPECTS you to cover your plate but it is CUSTOMARY? OK, if nobody expects it, how did it get to be a custom???

I so agree with the previous poster: plan a wedding you can afford and invite those you want to share it with!

This custom is very, very old here - I'm sure my grandmother (who died5 years ago at the age of 95) covered her plate. Many parents here pay for the 5 figure wedding reception, so it's has nothing to do about using the money to pay for the wedding. People talk about wedding becoming to overblown - here, it's always been this way.

 

[smiles&grins]

Hi OP! I'm from the Chicagoland area too and this is the way my whole family does it too. A gift for the shower and cash for the wedding. Now I don't think it's expected by the couple to cover your plate. Most couples I know say don't expect to make money on your wedding you'll alway come up short but it'll be a great party. But it's kinda like the going rate in this area. We do $75 pp but if my DD was going to I'd drop down her amount(she's 3). Maybe mix it up with cash and a gift from the family. You can use a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon for 20% if they registered there. I'd base it on how well you know them. Can you personalize it? Are they having cameras on all the tables for guest to take pictures? I once gave an extra giftcard to walmart to cover the cost of developing those cameras and a photo album. Are they honeymooning? Can you give a basket with stuff they'd need for where they're going? Sunscreen, phonecards(if out of US to call home), underwater camera, ect.

 

[Resseda]

OK, what a lot of you are saying is, nobody EXPECTS you to cover your plate but it is CUSTOMARY? OK, if nobody expects it, how did it get to be a custom???

I so agree with the previous poster: plan a wedding you can afford and invite those you want to share it with!

It is a custom because it has traditionally been one way to figure out how much to give a marrying couple. It is not the only way, and when the economy was better, it probably used more frequently as a guideline. I think most couples I am familier with have a more "$100 for a friend, $200 for a family member" kind of thought process. I don't personally agree that I would automatically give more to a couple who was having their wedding some place "nicer". I have two friends getting married in the next 6 months, one at a swanky hotel/resort, one at a reception hall. They're both getting the same amount, and I know for fact that 'covering our plate' for the one would easily be 3 times the amount of the other.

For a lot of couples, the reception is paid for long before the gift checks are cashed (or paid for by parents). The gift money is used to start out their new life, not pay off the reception bill.

I was trying to think of a comparable example. When you start a new job, you tend to gauge your apparel choices on your co-workers. Does everyone wear jeans? Do all the women wear knee length skirts? To all the men wear button-up shirts? The manual might say "business apparel", but if everyone tends to be on the most formal side of business attire, then that's what a lot of people will do to fit in, even if dockers and a polo shirt would be completely acceptable. If most people at a wedding are covering their plates, other people feel obligated to cover theirs, even if a $50 check would be just as acceptable/welcome. Or maybe your kid's class makes a big to-do about birthdays, where the other parents host bowling parties or pool parties. Are you obligated to do the same for your child? Of course not! But a lot of people will, since it is the custom.

Ress

 

[derocas]

It is a custom because it has traditionally been one way to figure out how much to give a marrying couple. It is not the only way, and when the economy was better, it probably used more frequently as a guideline. I think most couples I am familier with have a more "$100 for a friend, $200 for a family member" kind of thought process. I don't personally agree that I would automatically give more to a couple who was having their wedding some place "nicer". I have two friends getting married in the next 6 months, one at a swanky hotel/resort, one at a reception hall. They're both getting the same amount, and I know for fact that 'covering our plate' for the one would easily be 3 times the amount of the other.

For a lot of couples, the reception is paid for long before the gift checks are cashed (or paid for by parents). The gift money is used to start out their new life, not pay off the reception bill.

I was trying to think of a comparable example. When you start a new job, you tend to gauge your apparel choices on your co-workers. Does everyone wear jeans? Do all the women wear knee length skirts? To all the men wear button-up shirts? The manual might say "business apparel", but if everyone tends to be on the most formal side of business attire, then that's what a lot of people will do to fit in, even if dockers and a polo shirt would be completely acceptable. If most people at a wedding are covering their plates, other people feel obligated to cover theirs, even if a $50 check would be just as acceptable/welcome. Or maybe your kid's class makes a big to-do about birthdays, where the other parents host bowling parties or pool parties. Are you obligated to do the same for your child? Of course not! But a lot of people will, since it is the custom.

Ress

I like your comparable example.

 

[Modog814]

OK, what a lot of you are saying is, nobody EXPECTS you to cover your plate but it is CUSTOMARY? OK, if nobody expects it, how did it get to be a custom???

I so agree with the previous poster: plan a wedding you can afford and invite those you want to share it with!

Just because something is customary doesn't mean it's to be expected, sure some people may expect it, but not everyone and I'll be willing to bet that most don't.

As someone else put it...the gift isn't about actually helping pay for the wedding...it's about helps the couple start off their lives together, or at least that's my belief. And the "cover your plate" concept, is as i said before, only there for a starting point. It's a very generic answer to the question, "How much should give for my _______'s wedding...The true answer is probably, "It depends...", but that isnt' very helpful for someone looking for a more concrete answer.

 

[Lewisc]

Good question. Catered backyard weddings, with rented tents, rented china with hired waiters, bartenders etc can cost as much as a catering hall. Assuming the backyard wedding was a modest event I'd be tempted to give a gift off the registry or a gift I know the couple would enjoy and keep. I'd probably give a check for a wedding in a catering hall.

Assuming both weddings were within a month or two of each other I would probably give a similar gift.

The term implies giving a larger wedding gift if the wedding is in a catering hall then you'd give if the wedding is in a backyard. The amount of a cash gift, or what you spend on an actual gift is a matter of local custom.

This is the part of this that makes me scratch my head... so if you have two first cousins that you are equally close to, and one gets married at the Ritz and the other at home in their backyard, you give more to the one at the Ritz?

Really?

First, I think in certain Metro areas the cost of living is just higher and so things like gift ranges etc vary greatly. Second, I would never want anyone to refuse an invite because they couldn't afford a gift. When my son was Bar Mitzvahed, we had a couple of refusals and I suspected that it was because these people were transplanted NYers and thought they had to give big checks. I was so disappointed so I had a mutual friend mention what she was giving my child and within a day or two they both changed their response.

p

 

[omghidanielle]

How do any of the guests know how much the couple intends to spend per guest at the reception? I mean, I don't understand how this can be worked into a conversation. I can see the bride babbling happily about how they're going to have this and that and so on at the reception, but then does she add, "And it's going to cost $150 pp!"? I'm not being sarcastic, I really would like to know.

I guess you could make an assumption based on where it's held, but what if you get to a ritzy reception hall and all they're serving is cake and punch? How do you know ahead of time?

Well, I just went through all of the wedding planning stuff and I'm familiar with the location and their pricing.

Also, listening to the person complain about the cost helps a lot. Especially when the thought 'Why didn't you find a cheaper venue, idiot' dances through your brain.