Another wedding gown question.. "Say Yes To The Dress"..

[C.Ann]

Caught a preview of an upcoming episode and it appears to be a mother of the bride or grandmother of the bride who is claiming that since she is "paying for the dress", she should have more of a say in which dress the bride chooses..

What are your thoughts on that?

I paid for my DD's wedding dress and even if she had chosen one that I absolutely hated, once I said that I would pay for it, "a deal is a deal" - no strings attached..

Should the bride have to make her choice based on who is "paying" for the dress?

 

[CharityLynn]

I think the bride has the say, 100%. I think the only thing the parents should be able to choose if the price limit, it is a gift. I bought my own dress, I know I wouldn't have liked what my mom chose.

I like "Say Yes to the dress" what bothers me are the women with 30 people accompanying them. And the friends that are so negative about a dress that the bride clearly likes. I have found myself yelling at the friends to shut up lol Especially a recent preview where they were really tearing the dress the shreds and the bride looked really upset because she liked the dress.

 

[golfgal]

I would say that the bride and groom have 100% say in their entire wedding no matter WHO is paying for the event, they are the one's getting married.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I think they should give a certain amount of money, and then back off.

I remember when I was getting married, and my mother, and future FIL and MIL all had something to say about stuff...the flowers, the food, etc (but my parents gave me a small donation to do with what I wanted...have a wedding or elope). I complained about it at work, and one of my co-workers said "Oh stop it...you can have the wedding you want when YOUR daughter gets married." But I guess I never will, because I figure my kids are going to have the wedding THEY want. (Altho, ask me again when one of them actually gets married. )

 

[Duckyiam71]

I dont think it matters who is paying. It is the brides day and should be the brides choice. I was a bridesmaid once and the mother paid for our dresses! She did this so we could not complain about the ugliness that we had to endure! But again that was bridesmaid not the bride. BTW I love this show and like PP states I hate the entourages that come.

 

[Scurvy]

I know this won't be a popular opinion, but I think that it depends on what the agreement is between the bride and whoever is paying. Ideally, the bride would be able to choose whatever she wants and the person paying would be happy with that. However, I think the person paying has every right to say they will pay for a particular type of dress whether the bride likes that type best or not. The bride is always free to decline the offer of payment and to pay for her own dress if she doesn't want to get whatever dress the other person wants her to get.

I feel that way about weddings, also. I think it's fine for someone to add strings to their offer of payment - like the parents who will only pay for their daughter to be married in their home church, or the parents of the groom who will only pay for the rehearsal dinner if it's at their favorite restaurant. If the couple doesn't like it, they can always pay for what they do want themselves. That doesn't mean I would put strings on my offer of payment when my son gets married, or that I would have been happy about it if my parents had done that sort of thing. I wouldn't! Ideally the parents (or whoever) would offer a specific amount of money toward the dress or the wedding with no other strings attached. But I really don't see anything wrong with them attaching strings if that's what they want to do. It's their money. They really aren't obligated to pay for the dress (or wedding) at all, so I think any sort of offer is a nice thing, whether it's an offer the bride chooses to accept or not.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

While I agree that whomever is donating money to the bride/groom CAN put any conditions they want on the wedding (doesn't mean it's always right or very nice), they really need to be upfront about it. If the parents tell the bride we'll pay $5000 for your dress, and the bride has that plan in her head, it would be really rotten for the mother/father to announce at the bridal salon that she/he likes a particular dress better than the one the bride likes so she either buys what the parents like, or she can forget it.

 

[C.Ann]

I know this won't be a popular opinion, but I think that it depends on what the agreement is between the bride and whoever is paying. Ideally, the bride would be able to choose whatever she wants and the person paying would be happy with that. However, I think the person paying has every right to say they will pay for a particular type of dress whether the bride likes that type best or not.

--------------------

I strongly disagree with this.. Setting a dollar limit is fine - most people do - but to insist that the bride go with the choice of the person paying is way out of line in my book..

 

[Scurvy]

If the parents tell the bride we'll pay $5000 for your dress, and the bride has that plan in her head, it would be really rotten for the mother/father to announce at the bridal salon that she/he likes a particular dress better than the one the bride likes so she either buys what the parents like, or she can forget it.

I do agree with this. I think that if someone wants control over how the money is to be spent, they need to specify that when they offer the money, and not spring it on the bride while she is trying on dresses. However, if they were to offer the money and specify at that time that they would like to pay for the dress if the bride chooses one they approve of, or that they'd like to pay for the couple to be married at their church, or anything like that, then I think that's perfectly fine. I still think it's nice of them, since they aren't obligated to offer to pay for anything.

 

[luvmy3]

--------------------

I strongly disagree with this.. Setting a dollar limit is fine - most people do - but to insist that the bride go with the choice of the person paying is way out of line in my book..

ITA, I think that is just ridiculous.

 

[Scurvy]

--------------------

I strongly disagree with this.. Setting a dollar limit is fine - most people do - but to insist that the bride go with the choice of the person paying is way out of line in my book..

But why? They don't have to pay for anything, and the bride isn't obligated to accept their offer if she doesn't want to buy the dress they are willing to get her. I do think that the nicest thing (at least when you are on the receiving end) is to just get the money and be able to choose whatever you want with it. But if the parents aren't comfortable just giving the bride money to use however she wants, and they are instead willing to offer to buy her something specific, I still think that's very generous of them. She's always free to say no.

 

[C.Ann]

But why? They don't have to pay for anything, and the bride isn't obligated to accept their offer if she doesn't want to buy the dress they are willing to get her. I do think that the nicest thing (at least when you are on the receiving end) is to just get the money and be able to choose whatever you want with it. But if the parents aren't comfortable just giving the bride money to use however she wants, and they are instead willing to offer to buy her something specific, I still think that's very generous of them. She's always free to say no.

------------------

Because in most cases, both the "giver" and the "receiver" view it as a "gift"..
Would you "gift" someone "XXXX dollars" for a car and then tell them they can "only" buy a 2-door, red Ford because that's what "you" like??

 

[luvmy3]

But why? They don't have to pay for anything, and the bride isn't obligated to accept their offer if she doesn't want to buy the dress they are willing to get her. I do think that the nicest thing (at least when you are on the receiving end) is to just get the money and be able to choose whatever you want with it. But if the parents aren't comfortable just giving the bride money to use however she wants, and they are instead willing to offer to buy her something specific, I still think that's very generous of them. She's always free to say no.

As a parent I could never imagine giving my dd money towards her wedding and dictating to her what I want her to do with it. Either its a gift with no stipulations, or you don't offer it.
As a dd, if my father (who paid for my dress and wedding) ever told me what I had to wear, or serve for fodd, etc because he was paying, I'd elope

 

[bumbershoot]

I think that every family's dynamics are very different, and honestly, a woman of marrying age very likely knows what sort of parents/grandparents she has, and probably wouldn't be surprised by such a feeling on their part.


Then again, sometimes brides have never much thought about their weddings, and everything is strange...I had that situation. I had known that my mom would never support a big fancy wedding, and knew that she wouldn't pay for anything. I knew she would want to bake my wedding cake, and even if I wanted to elope she would really want to be there. But she died before I even met my future husband, so I was free-floating when I planned the wedding. Though I did hire a cake baker with her same first name.

My stepdad sent a monetary engagement gift...it ended up paying for my gown, and in my thank you letter I let him know that information. (I probably wouldn't have gotten that much money from him if my mom were still alive; and if they had sent that much, I likely wouldn't have spent it on my gown...it was all very different b/c my mom was not around to give input)

After the invitations were sent out (which had my father and stepmother's names on it, because THEY were paying for the wedding (another thing that would NEVER have happened...the paying and the invitations with that wording...if my mom were alive) I got an email from stepdad which seemed to indicate that he felt his gift had given him rights to be one of the hosts indicated on the invitation....augh.

Things you tell someone BEFORE they send the invitations...ya know? Same thing if grandparents think parents should name babies after them...let 'em know before the birth certificate is sent in.


Anyway, gift-givers have the right to want money to be used in certain ways...but that info really should be given up front.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I do agree with this. I think that if someone wants control over how the money is to be spent, they need to specify that when they offer the money, and not spring it on the bride while she is trying on dresses. However, if they were to offer the money and specify at that time that they would like to pay for the dress if the bride chooses one they approve of, or that they'd like to pay for the couple to be married at their church, or anything like that, then I think that's perfectly fine. I still think it's nice of them, since they aren't obligated to offer to pay for anything.

Like I said, I agree they CAN do this, because when it comes to weddings, as I've learned on the DIS, anyone can do what they want. BUT...I think it's crappy and controlling, and honestly, I'd probably just tell them to go screw.

 

[Scurvy]

------------------


Would you "gift" someone "XXXX dollars" for a car and then tell them they can "only" buy a 2-door, red Ford because that's what "you" like??

No, of course not. However, if my son wanted a car I wouldn't see anything wrong with telling him that I would buy him a 2-door red Ford if he wanted it. I'm not obligated to buy him any car. If I don't approve of some sorts of cars, I'm not going to pay for those. So rather than giving him money that he might choose to put toward a car I wouldn't approve of, I might instead offer to purchase a specific car for him. If he didn't want it, he could always save his own money to buy something different. I still see that as a generous offer - I could just tell him to save up and pay for his own car. Instead, I would be giving him another option which he could choose to either accept or decline.

I don't see anything wrong with someone offering to get something specific for a couple who was going to be married, whether that's a specific dress or paying for a specific venue or baker or anything else like that. I do see something wrong with someone offering $5000 toward wedding expenses and then later saying they'll only pay if that money is spent on specific things - but I don't see anything wrong with offering to buy a specific thing as long as you never give the recipient the impression that they can count on that money for whatever they choose.

I get the impression, though, that you think it should be all or nothing. If someone wanted to get a car or was getting married it would be rude for me to offer to buy a specific car or pay for a specific wedding expense - I ought to either just give them money or not, but not offer something specific. I guess I just don't get this view. I think any offer if a nice thing. If it works out to be something the recipient wants, great! If not, they can just graciously decline and figure out how to pay for what they want themselves.

(And again, it's not something I would do. But I think that the person whose money it is has every right to offer it for a specific item rather than just handing over the cash if that's what they want to do. It's their money; they can do what they want with it.)

 

[iggbees]

i like watching this show, but a few things really bug me about it. one is that some of the brides bring an entourage. i think that most of these people just want their 5 min of fame on tv and that's why they go with the bride. especially the people who are really picky that shouldn't have ANY say in the brides wedding day attire (the obnoxious cousins or friends who have a nasty thing to say about every dress). two is that i think that some of the parents who come tend to think that because they are supplying the funds for the dress they have to get the dress that they would want to wear. if the parents are gifting the money then they should be there for moral support, not to nitpick every little dress. i also think that some of the girls put too much weight on what their parents say (mostly because they have submissive personalities) and they end up in dresses that they would have never picked. there's nothing worse than watching that show and seeing a girl LOVE a dress that she tries on, but someone in her family says "ew, that's the ugliest dress i've ever seen!" and she second guesses herself and her ability to pick an attractive dress (most of the time the girls pick really nice dresses!). i watch it for the fun of it because i sure as heck will never be purchasing a $5,000 dress for my wedding.

 

[C.Ann]

No, of course not. However, if my son wanted a car I wouldn't see anything wrong with telling him that I would buy him a 2-door red Ford if he wanted it. I'm not obligated to buy him any car. If I don't approve of some sorts of cars, I'm not going to pay for those. So rather than giving him money that he might choose to put toward a car I wouldn't approve of, I might instead offer to purchase a specific car for him. If he didn't want it, he could always save his own money to buy something different. I still see that as a generous offer - I could just tell him to save up and pay for his own car. Instead, I would be giving him another option which he could choose to either accept or decline.

I don't see anything wrong with someone offering to get something specific for a couple who was going to be married, whether that's a specific dress or paying for a specific venue or baker or anything else like that. I do see something wrong with someone offering $5000 toward wedding expenses and then later saying they'll only pay if that money is spent on specific things - but I don't see anything wrong with offering to buy a specific thing as long as you never give the recipient the impression that they can count on that money for whatever they choose.

I get the impression, though, that you think it should be all or nothing. If someone wanted to get a car or was getting married it would be rude for me to offer to buy a specific car or pay for a specific wedding expense - I ought to either just give them money or not, but not offer something specific. I guess I just don't get this view. I think any offer if a nice thing. If it works out to be something the recipient wants, great! If not, they can just graciously decline and figure out how to pay for what they want themselves.

(And again, it's not something I would do. But I think that the person whose money it is has every right to offer it for a specific item rather than just handing over the cash if that's what they want to do. It's their money; they can do what they want with it.)

----------------------------

I never give gifts with "strings attached".. To me that's not a gift - it's a form of blackmail.. I will give you "ABC" as a gift, but you have to do/buy "XYZ"..

I guess we just have different opinions..

 

[Scurvy]

----------------------------

I never give gifts with "strings attached".. To me that's not a gift - it's a form of blackmail.. I will give you "ABC" as a gift, but you have to do/buy "XYZ"..

I guess we just have different opinions..

I do see what you are saying, and to a point I agree. I guess for me it's more a matter of the delivery. I would have found it off-putting if my parents had said "We'll be happy to pay for your wedding. Of course you'll have the ceremony in our church and use the family florist and. . ." On the other hand, it wouldn't have bothered me if they had said "If you decide to be married in our church and use the family florist we'd love to pay for those for you." Even if I hadn't wanted to do those things I would have appreciated the offer. It's their money, and my wedding, and they weren't obligated to pay for any of it. If they had offered me a gift that I didn't want - like paying for the wrong florist - I would have thanked them and declined. I could see the first scenerio seeming a bit like blackmail, but the second just seems like a nice offer that I could either accept or not.

(And I actually think there's nothing wrong with a gift with strings attached - in fact I'm getting my son a new phone tomorrow because he got all A's on his report card. If he sees that as blackmail and would rather turn it down I'll think he's nuts, but he's welcome to do that! )

I guess this is just a pet peeve of mine, because I see many people on another board who seem to feel entitled to have their parents pay for everything about their wedding and are appalled at the suggestion that they ought to pay for some of it themselves. I see it as their wedding, and their responsiblity to pay for, and any offer of help seems like a generous thing to me - even if it isn't something that the bride would choose to accept. No one but the bride is obligated to buy her dress, so if someone wants to offer then I see that as a good thing. But again, I do think it's only okay if the stipulations are made clear up front.

It does sound like we have very different opinions on this! But that's a good thing - imagine how bland the world would be if we all agreed about everything.

ETA - Ultimately, I do 100% think that the bride should get the dress she wants. It should completely be her choice. She can choose to pay for the one she wants herself if she wants it enough and her parents don't want to buy it for her.

 

[redlight]

It should be the bride's decision.