Another questionable invitation: Am I just old fashioned?

[eliza61]

Maybe it's me, the last 2 summers I have recieved invitations which to me are really tacky blatant request for money.

A few of you may remember last summer I was invited to my nieces wedding shower with my gift already picked out.

Yesterday I recieved an evite from the wife of a good friend I have known since 4th grade. it's his 50th bday. She's having a party for ~125 people.
on the evite she has a list of food dishes she is requesting you pick and committ to bring or make a monetary donation
first problem, you can't accept without picking a dish.
second, she makes mention that if you donate cash please be mindful of the cost of dinner in NYC. I guess that's her way of saying not to donate $10 bucks.

For me it's very simple, I'm old fashioned. if I invite you to a party UNLESS you are in on the planning, I'm providing food and drinks. If I can't afford a big blowout I'm not inviting 100 people.

Luckily, I have my vacation scheduled that week so I have an excuse for not showing.

My question is this,
Am I being overly sensitive about this? My sister says nowadays any thing goes and people can host a party requesting whatever they want. She says she's going and not bringing a thing.

 

[SaraJayne]

Oh. My. Word. People just simply amaze me. If you can't afford the party, DON'T HAVE ONE!!!

Even if you didn't have something going on, I think I'd be otherwise occupied that day/evening.

 

[Leajess99]

No, you are not being overly sensitive in my opinion. I hate when people tell you what to bring or want you to provide food for their party. I have never heard of that until recently. I know at my graduation party, a long time ago, my aunt's all asked what to bring but this is how we did those type parties. Family helped out with the food and that. We never asked friends or anyone else to bring food. If it was offered it was totally different.

As for the gifts, I can understand the "In lieu of gifts we'd like a toy for toys for tots or a pet item for the animal shelter" type requests, but to be told what to bring, no way would I attend.

 

[Dopey19]

I think its wrong.
Personally I feel it is ok to request people bring something to a family reunion type party (something where you are simply organizing the gathering but the event is really for everyone) but if your throwing a b'day party for your husband it is your responsiblity to host the party. If you can't afford it then don't do it.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I'm old fashioned too, I guess. I don't like those kinds of invitations either.

But people think anything goes nowadays and manners/common courtesy are myths so I'm not surprised that those kinds of invitations are becoming more common.

Have fun on your vacation.

 

[TxRabbit]

The manner in which the hostesses are organizing these parties you've been invited to is rather high handed. I would take offense to it to, but I do think there is a way to do this that ISn't offensive. Pot lucks or one dish parties are common and been around for a while. Usually, the guests are a part of the planning though...

I think that money matters are a bit rough these days. If people want to celebrate a 50th birthday party, but can't afford a party, I DON'T think they just should forgo a party. I think that having your home ready and open and providing the place of a gathering has value, and if people really cared about the birthday person, they would be interested in the gathering enough to help "throw the party" by helping provide food. But this seems to be the problem. The invite comes out of the blue, with no prior notice and no notion of the motivation of the hostess... The guests have no ownership of the party and this is usually a key element in a pot luck.

 

[SaraJayne]

No, you are not being overly sensitive in my opinion. I hate when people tell you what to bring or want you to provide food for their party. I have never heard of that until recently. I know at my graduation party, a long time ago, my aunt's all asked what to bring but this is how we did those type parties. Family helped out with the food and that. We never asked friends or anyone else to bring food. If it was offered it was totally different.

My MIL and SIL always offer to bring something to family parties, which I find helpful and sweet. I always turn them down though, because if we're the ones throwing the party, we are the ones that can provide the food.

Though I usually don't turn it down when MIL shows up with her delicious desserts.

Having someone offer to bring something and demanding their bring something (like the OP's invite) are two totally different things...it's too bad the sender of the invite in the OP never got that memo.

I'd be a bit put out, too...

 

[hedgehog2owl]

I agree with you, OP

 

[Muushka]

Eliza? Overly sensitive??

Nope. I agree with you, tacky.

I had a big 50 bash for myself a while ago. We provided accommodations (DVC), dinner, and breakfast. And I requested no gifts for me, the birthday girl! Granted, we just had about 9 people, but the point is if you are asking someone to celebrate your birthday, gifts/contributions should not be mandatory.

 

[eliza61]

Eliza? Overly sensitive??

Nope. I agree with you, tacky.

I had a big 50 bash for myself a while ago. We provided accommodations (DVC), dinner, and breakfast. And I requested no gifts for me, the birthday girl! Granted, we just had about 9 people, but the point is if you are asking someone to celebrate your birthday, gifts/contributions should not be mandatory.

Hey girlfriend!!

Whew, thanks guys. since I've been seeing this type of invite more and more I thought maybe it's me.

The sad thing about it is that John and I have known each other since we were 8. Lived 4 doors down from each other, his parents and my dad still llive in the same building. So my sister and I would have probably taken him and his wife to dinner and the theater to celebrate and picked up the tab for the entire evening.

You're absolutely right it's the "mandatory" thing that rubs me wrong.

 

[TreslovesWDW]

I am 37 and since I was old enough to start having parties,lets say 24 with my first baby. I have always thought if you are having the party then you provide everything. I never told people to bring something. If people asked I would say no but if they really wanted I would say anything you make would be great.
A friend of ours has a Birthday BBQ every May for HIS birthday and we are always told what to bring, well we have not went the past two years.

 

[JamesMom]

Eliza? Overly sensitive??

Nope. I agree with you, tacky.

I had a big 50 bash for myself a while ago. We provided accommodations (DVC), dinner, and breakfast. And I requested no gifts for me, the birthday girl! Granted, we just had about 9 people, but the point is if you are asking someone to celebrate your birthday, gifts/contributions should not be mandatory.

OT - I went to a college girls birthday party back in the early 90s - I think she was turning 23 or 24?- she was an old sorrority friend. She sent out invitations to a party at her house. Great. I show up and there is a gift table. During the middle of the party she proceeds to open the gifts! I hadn't seen that since grade school! I was floored and embarassed since I did nothing more than give her a card. And I thought it was tacky - we are adults! Other adult b-days had been dinners in restuarants where you bought a drink or a meal, not bring a gift. Family & close friends might buy a gift, but it was done discreetly, not as a spectacle.

I agree with a previous poster that pot lucks should be organized more personable than an e-vite with a demand.

I am glad you had a great 50th party.

 

[DeniseinNS]

I think it's rude to be told to bring a dish or donate money. If you are bringing a dish it should be because you offered, not told.

 

[luvmy3]

Wow thats tacky. Maybe you should send your regrets with a little note.

Dear tacky friend,
I am unable to attend the party. Please keep in mind etiquette when inviting guests to a party you are hosting, anywhere.
Signed,
Emily Post

 

[momejay]

A friend of the family is getting married. They have been living together for 5 years & just moved into a house together last year. They had a house warming party & asked for certain gifts. This annoyed me, but people do register for wedding gifts. I went & gave them a nice gift. This summer they are getting married. Wonderful...
I check the registry. The only thing on there I can afford is a video game. Why do they have video games on their registry? Don't you find this silly? I asked other invited guests & they claim they got most of the things they needed at the house warming parties they had. They kept inviting groups of friends & family to parties until they got all the gifts they wanted. Tacky?
I think I will go on vacation or something, instead of a wedding this summer! Otherwise, I will get an invite to the getting divorced party next spring.

 

[Muushka]

OT - I went to a college girls birthday party back in the early 90s - I think she was turning 23 or 24?- she was an old sorrority friend. She sent out invitations to a party at her house. Great. I show up and there is a gift table. During the middle of the party she proceeds to open the gifts! I hadn't seen that since grade school! I was floored and embarassed since I did nothing more than give her a card. And I thought it was tacky - we are adults! Other adult b-days had been dinners in restuarants where you bought a drink or a meal, not bring a gift. Family & close friends might buy a gift, but it was done discreetly, not as a spectacle.

I agree with a previous poster that pot lucks should be organized more personable than an e-vite with a demand.

I am glad you had a great 50th party.

Thanks, it was an awesome 50th.

Hey, I can tell you what happened last year at a former co-worker's 60th.
They had a wonderful party and we were told "no gifts". So like you, we just brought a card. And then they opened up the gifts during the party! AAKKKK!

Wow thats tacky. Maybe you should send your regrets with a little note.

Dear tacky friend,
I am unable to attend the party. Please keep in mind etiquette when inviting guests to a party you are hosting, anywhere.
Signed,
Emily Post

OOOH, and a link to this thread!

 

[disneydreamersx4]

That invitation request is just downright rude! I would never think of asking someone to cook for a birthday party and to mention a cash gift wow! Glad you can get out of going.

 

[crashbb]

I was setting up an evite for my cousin's baby shower and was weirded out that there is an option to "request payment from guests". Needless to say, I did not select this option. Nor was any mention of gifts made in the invitation. At the insistence of others, my cousin is registered, but information is only given if it is asked for.


Then there is the invitation my dad's wife sent out for her daughter's shower. Not only did they register at the most expensive baby store ever (I've gone in to look for something for my nephew, who I love to spoil, and couldn't bring myself to buy anything), she included the statement "If you cannot come to the shower, here is the address to which you can have your gift sent". And she invited people she had to know couldn't come - including my pregnant cousin who lives in another country! I think I may be busy that day.

 

[southtexasmom]

Its just tacky to have an invited guest bring food or donate money.

Just yesterday we received an invitation for a high school graduation party, it had the information for the bank where the student had set up an "education fund". I have a son graduating from high school this year, I would never suggest/ask others to donate to his education.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

Maybe it's me, the last 2 summers I have recieved invitations which to me are really tacky blatant request for money.

A few of you may remember last summer I was invited to my nieces wedding shower with my gift already picked out.

Yesterday I recieved an evite from the wife of a good friend I have known since 4th grade. it's his 50th bday. She's having a party for ~125 people.
on the evite she has a list of food dishes she is requesting you pick and committ to bring or make a monetary donation
first problem, you can't accept without picking a dish.
second, she makes mention that if you donate cash please be mindful of the cost of dinner in NYC. I guess that's her way of saying not to donate $10 bucks.

For me it's very simple, I'm old fashioned. if I invite you to a party UNLESS you are in on the planning, I'm providing food and drinks. If I can't afford a big blowout I'm not inviting 100 people.

Luckily, I have my vacation scheduled that week so I have an excuse for not showing.

My question is this,
Am I being overly sensitive about this? My sister says nowadays any thing goes and people can host a party requesting whatever they want. She says she's going and not bringing a thing.

You are not old fashioned, you are 100% correct. If you throw a party, you do not charge admission, unless it's a fraternity kegger.

I can't believe some of the invites people here on the Dis are receiving. I would be tempted to be just as crass and toss the invite, but I couldn't do that, so I would just have/make up an excuse not to be there and leave it at that. You can't teach people class.