Another funeral (flowers) ettiquette thread.

[hrh_disney_queen]

I was just curious if anyone else out there does what my mom does. She was raised on a farm, so frugality is a way of life for her. She does not believe in sending flowers to a funeral, she sends the family a check instead. Even if they aren't specifically saying, "In lieu of flowers....". And if they do have that notation, she still sends the check to the family to use as they see fit. She has always done this, so it's not weird to me, I just wondered if anyone else has done this?

 

[mommytotwo]

The only time our family sends flowers to a funeral is if it is our close family member, or they contribute some money to get a wreath. If we go to visit members of the deceast person, we may bring flowers with us so they are able to put it onto their alter or bring them flowers from our house. In our religion, we are not to give flowers that have thorns and poisionous milky sap.

When we attend funerals, we always bring an envelope of money with us for the family of the deceast.

 

[phillybeth]

We will take up a collection in work and either give it to the family if they did not specify a charity, or donate to the charity directly if they did.

 

[mickey65]

When my mom passed away recently, we received many envelopes with checks or money in them. Most of the cards said to use as we saw fit. We made a large donation to a charity that my mom had volunteered for.

 

[arminnie]

Where I have lived, it is traditional to either put in a request of no flowers and mention a charity or else you get the flowers.

When my mother died we suggested a donation to her church in lieu of flowers. Lots of people did that, and a few sent flowers anyway (which was fine too). There must have been 200 people who did something (food, flowers, donation), but no one offered money at all. I think I would have been surprised if someone had offered it.

When a friend of mine in Michigan died, I asked his wife if they had a charity that they would prefer donations go to in lieu of flowers and she just blurted out something like "just send us the money we need it." I know I am not quoting her exactly because it was very natural, and I was not at all offended by what she said. I was so glad that she let me know the situation and made sure when I let others know of his death that perhaps a financial contribution might be appreciated in lieu of flowers.

So now I'm thinking maybe this giving of money to the family may be a regional thing. I'd never heard of it when I lived in AR, TX or CA. It does make sense to help people out in their time of need. Most of my relatives when I was growing up did not have an extra penny so if they had a death the money would have helped.

I know my brother has privately inquired of some family members to see if they needed any help with the funeral expenses - which I thought was very kind of him. He paid for everything when my mother died.

 

[JayBee]

I think a lot of people are shocked when faced with the first funeral in their family......the cost is unbelievable. But I hadn't heard of giving money. Most older Catholics give money to the Church for masses to be said for the deceased and those Masses are sometimes listed in the Church Bulletin.

 

[CamColt]

I have never given cash directly, but have contributed to group collections when it was a relative of a co worker or other instances like that.
In the past 2 years DH has lost both parents and we have recieved quite a few cards with checks in them. Some say to donate to the charity(cancer society, hospice house) and others say nothing. We have donated all of them though.

 

[Talking Hands]

I know when I die I don't want flowers. Forget that and give money to a charity or to the church. My wishes would be that it be given for the use of the Deaf Ministry at my church because that is what I am involved in but any ministry would be fine. Floweres to me are a waste because the just get thrown out.

 

[snels]

In our area it is very common to send the family money.
Sandy

 

[froglady]

I have neither sent nor received money when any family members have died, nor do I know anyone who has. However, I have seen obituaries where a trust fund was set up for young children when a parent has died.

I either donate to a charity, if one is listed or if I know the deceased had a favorite, or I've sent fruit baskets, cookie baskets, etc to the home. I know it was a help to not have to cook when I had many out of state family members staying with me.

 

[denisem]

While I'm sure it may be a regional thing, I can't imagine anyone taking offence if the check/money offered were given in the spirit of "please accept this offering as a memorial to your loved one in whatever way you see fit".

I know in my huge, extended family (which includes two florists ) these additional donations have gone toward: paying expenses after lengthy illnesses; donations to favorite charities; masses said; memorial trees planted in parks; rocking chairs bought at children's medical centers with memorial plaques.

Denise < --- knows firsthand that any sincere offering at such a time is an uplifting experience.

 

[FonFon]

My family always brought a cooked meal to the family of the deceased.

 

[lulugirl]

I usually send flowers or donate to a charity.
When my father died many people gave us restaurant gift cards so we could get take out food to feed our many out of town guests.
I would have been surprised to recieve any cash/checks, but any show compassion was appreciated.