Another friend with facebook/marriage issues

[Nancyg56]

I think that's pretty obvious- BUT FB makes it so easy to find past relationships, across state lines, people that you would NEVER track down "in real life". Marriage isn't easy. You don't spend 10, 20, 30, 40+ years with a spouse and have every day be a friggin cake walk. You have to work at it, make it a priority, not bring others into it (even as just a sounding board).

ITA. I do not believe that most people in a relationship would connect with the intention of cheating but honestly, if you are in a relationship that will not stand the test of sharing a FB connection with your partner....you probably should not reach out or friend that EX. II also will add that I trust my DH, I do not feel the need to check up on him in any way but I would not be okay if he reconnected with an EX on FB. And he would not be sitting pretty if I did either. I do not believe this says our marraige is shaky, it is not, but neither of believes that if you play with fire you have no chance of getting burnt. We have seen marraiges go through hell when one partner thought a friendly chat would not lead to something else.

Sorry, I just don't believe in that sort of thing. It is one thing to have maintained a relationship throughout your life - it is another to reach out years later - especially through a medium like the internet, where your spouse would/could be completely unaware.

If you think that you would never cheat, you would be just like so many millions of others who thought the same thing - until they did.

I am not sure that I agree with you. I will say that this kind of connection would not work for me or for my DH if he used FB. Neither of us walks that line but it is a choice we have made. If a couple is open to this kind of friendship and they are honest obout their friends on FB I won't judge them. I do think that if that there could be trouble and as I said, we don't chance it but for others It is up to them. I imagine there are lots of couples who are able to maintain the friendship with no negative consequences.

 

[iwrbnd]

I chatted with an old fling on fb once. It didn't bother my husband at all. In fact he was right next to me while I talked with him. We've been happily married 19 years and completely trust each other. I can see it would be a bad idea if things at home aren't good. I'm now fb "friends" with his current wife, too! Ha!

 

[ICF]

Sorry, I just don't believe in that sort of thing. It is one thing to have maintained a relationship throughout your life - it is another to reach out years later - especially through a medium like the internet, where your spouse would/could be completely unaware..

But just because YOU think it's wrong doesn't mean that actually is for anyone else. That's your opinion and not a fact.

I have old an old GF or 2 or FB, and I dont think I'll be cheating on my wife with any of them.

 

[wvjules]

well I will tell you that I don;pt think it is for immature people at all..I have one and me and mom talk a lot on there as well as most of my family from other states that we wouldn't be able to other wise...

I have one ex as a friend but we were only 14 when we 'went out' and we have stayed friends all these years, we were at each others weddings..Heck I was even at his bachelors party LOL ..I think it has a lot to do with a little thing called SELF CONTROL!!!

Did you hop out of his cake?

 

[cheermom1]

Did you hop out of his cake?

No we just watched movies all night LOL

But I was talking to dh last night about this and he thinks the same as I do SELF CONTROL goes a LONG way!! what more can I say??? I don't understand the debate I guess, b/c if you are married and you WANT to be married to that person and love that person you will have SELF CONTROL period... that is the bottom line...

 

[NY Disney fan]

I know this is an unpopular opinion here but I believe Facebook is frequented by many immature adults. Thus, when you find someone you knew in your youth-neither of you has progressed very far. I spend maybe 20 minutes a day on the internet. I check my email twice and post on a few threads here maybe four days a week. I don't understand how married people have the time to spend on connecting with old loves when their spouse is/should be their primary concern.

Its a very unpopular opinion as it seems. However, there is tinge of truth in it. While not everyone on FB is immature, I often wonder how adults with real reponsibilities have time to get what they need done and still network online. I don't think FB is the enemy but I don't think its 100% productive either. It all depends on the will of the person.

My enemy was MySpace. My husband hooked up with his ex-"girlfriend" from hs and left me for her. It was both a blessing and curse for me. Of course she left him later on for another guy but that's not my problem now.

 

[MushyMushy]

Its a very unpopular opinion as it seems. However, there is tinge of truth in it. While not everyone on FB is immature, I often wonder how adults with real reponsibilities have time to get what they need done and still network online. I don't think FB is the enemy but I don't think its 100% productive either. It all depends on the will of the person.

My enemy was MySpace. My husband hooked up with his ex-"girlfriend" from hs and left me for her. It was both a blessing and curse for me. Of course she left him later on for another guy but that's not my problem now.

What do you mean "real responsibilities"? Like kids, job, spouse, home, etc? Because most of the people I know on FB manage all that just fine. Same with people who have time to post on the DIS.

Maybe some just need to learn some time management skills so they can have a little free time to unwind. All work and no play... etc.

 

[FireDancer]

I'm friends with many exes on Facebook and don't care if the people I date are also. I allow all of my friends on Facebook to see everything that is posted on my wall and access to all my comments. It is all in the open so no one can accuse me of hiding it. I have many female friends in real life and if anyone I date has a problem with that too bad. I don't hide any of the relationships I have with them so there is nothing suspicious going on.

If someone is determined to cheat they will do it. Facebook may make it easier but it comes down to self control. That isn't something that is unique to Facebook though. Gambling, pornography, shopping, and just about anything else that can be a problem for someone is easier to do online but ultimately we are (or should be) in control of what we do even in the face or temptation.

Shifting the blame to Facebook is no different then shifting the blame to anything else, it is just an excuse for the decision you made, not the underlying reason.

 

[krcit]

If that's pretty obvious then why were you so shocked about your friend's relationship?
Also, there are plenty of ways that you can 'track someone down' besides Facebook. That temptation has been around long before Facebook.
I don't think I ever said marriage was easy, but I do think there are LOTS of married couples go through things without turning to someone that they haven't seen in years.

I think the difference with FB is that you don't have to even leave your chair to 'track someone down' It's a matter of typing in their name or them typing in yours. I think people feel a safety factor in that..it's just to say hello..I'm not meeting them IRL... and in most cases I think that's it. You say hi, fill each other in om your lives and call it a day. However, sometimes you talk a bit more then you should, you're walking down memory lane when as far as you can remember everything was wonderful of course it wasn't but it was before kids, mortgages...before real life so you get sucked in. I'm not defending it but I can see how it happens to people. Heck, I'm just glad that I was smart enough to defriend my ex before I got sucked in.

 

[Mermaid02]

I think the difference with FB is that you don't have to even leave your chair to 'track someone down' It's a matter of typing in their name or them typing in yours. I think people feel a safety factor in that..it's just to say hello..I'm not meeting them IRL... and in most cases I think that's it. You say hi, fill each other in om your lives and call it a day. However, sometimes you talk a bit more then you should, you're walking down memory lane when as far as you can remember everything was wonderful of course it wasn't but it was before kids, mortgages...before real life so you get sucked in. I'm not defending it but I can see how it happens to people. Heck, I'm just glad that I was smart enough to defriend my ex before I got sucked in.

EXACTLY! I'm friends with an old boyfriend on FB- but I also see him IRL and I am friendly with his wife.... we all live here in town.

My friend told me today that her husband has apparently been calling this woman for over a year.

 

[cheermom1]

Just thought I would have it out in the 'open'. I was talking to my friends light night, some are guys, and we were discussing getting together and to make a memorial for 2 of our friends that have passed. Anyway I told my dh about it and the only thing he said was and I quote "Do I have to go?"
As I have been saying all along it boils down to self control. If your partner does act any other things than it has nothing to do with FB or any other way of contacting someone that you could cheat with, it just happened to be the means that person used to contact that person...

 

[*Fantasia*]

It's good that you're WISE about this.

An old high school boyfriend did the same to me, wanting to meet up with me over coffee, which was ok, but when I suggested we bring our spouses, he said he'd rather not. I blocked him completely right that minute. I don't need that kind of temptation or drama in my life.

good for you! his intention was wrong or should i say different from yours. glad you nipped it in the bud!

 

[livie1205]

I have 2 grade school exs on my facebook...my dh and I share a page so everything is out in the open and nothing is secret.I do not have time to sit around and do facebook all day...I go days without changing my status...my ds12 showed me how to set it up so we could chat when he is at his dads.I think if the spouse knows and everything is on the up and up nothing is wrong with it! I know I will never cheat on my dh and I know he will not cheat on me...we are best friends in every way...we are honest with each other and tell each other everything...shoot sometimes when one of us are running to the store we will grab the others phone and take it with us, we have no passwords for voicemail and we share email. I think it is all about what kind of marriage you have, it starts at home not on FB! I have never had to question him in the 6 yrs we have been married.

 

[SamRoc]

My enemy was MySpace. My husband hooked up with his ex-"girlfriend" from hs and left me for her. It was both a blessing and curse for me. Of course she left him later on for another guy but that's not my problem now.

The same exact thing happened to my friend. Her dh was on myspace all the time searching for his ex, he finally found her and left to move in with her. She then left him for her ex. Very confusing all around, but my friend is happy now to be rid of him.

 

[sbell111]

Facebook is the debbil.

 

[Mermaid02]

Facebook is the debbil.

Mama says Facebook is de debbil........

 

[Handbag Lady]

My husband recently re-connected with an old girlfriend. He told me that he forgot to tell me when she wrote a few weeks ago.

Am I mad or jealous?

No.

Turns out she's now a lesbian and is living with my husband's former guitarist.

I've invited them to dinner, too!

 

[bettymae1121]

Like most things online, Facebook is what you make of it. It can make it easier for those looking to cheat, but not everyone is looking to do that.

I'm Facebook friends with my highschool ex, and another guy I was friends in high school with. The ex was a groomsman in our wedding, and actually came and visited us from out of town just before Christmas. Even if ex wanted to get together again (and he doesn't!) I have zero interest. As for the old friend, we lost touch after his family moved away, and I always wondered what happened to him. We connected when I joined FB last fall, spent about a day messaging back and forth to catch up, and I don't think we've chated since. Again, zero temptation. But then...I"m not LOOKING for anything other than to stay connected with my friends, both old friends who live out of town, and people I see on a weekly basis.

DH knows I have a FB account, he knows my password (same password I use for dang near everything! ). My profile picture is a portrait of DH and I, and our wedding photos are in my album. If anyone thinks I'm "looking for something" they're idiots!

 

[ElliePeters]

Facebook will be the demise of many marriages. It is very easy to get caught up in the past, especially if things aren't really great at home.

So true. Its easier to share an account with your spouse to keep each other accountable.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

What do you mean "real responsibilities"? Like kids, job, spouse, home, etc? Because most of the people I know on FB manage all that just fine. Same with people who have time to post on the DIS.

Maybe some just need to learn some time management skills so they can have a little free time to unwind. All work and no play... etc.

yeah ita. i know plenty of people on FB who have children and jobs and bills today, it's not like all they do is sit on facebook and do nothing else.

i find it really funny how people are talking about how facebook is horrible, yet they have time to badmouth it on the DIS.