Another Family Issues Thread: Not Saying Thank You for a Gift

[Pink Partridge]

For years, I have sent my nephews substantial Christmas and Birthday gifts ($100 for each occasion, per child). Never (and I mean NEVER) have their parents thanked me or even acknowledged that they received the gift. They are now pre-teens and I finally called it quits on the gift giving this Christmas. Why should I be sending gift cards equaling $200 and not be acknowledged?


Guess who emailed me this morning asking if “there was a misunderstanding”? Sister in Law wanted to know why I didn’t send gifts to her children this year


When I explained that I didn’t know if they were receiving them, she got all huffy and replied that I shouldn’t be sending gifts to receive a thank you note. No. I do not want a thank you note. Although one would be nice. Years and years of accepting a gift and not even muttering a “thank you” in a text or an email have taken its toll on my nerves. Call me spiteful. But I just couldn’t bring myself to send them this year.


Be brutally honest. Am I wrong to have stopped the gift giving? Do you have family members who accept gifts without saying “Thank you” or even acknowledging that they received it? Does it bother you?


And how about the nerve of her emailing me and asking why I didn’t send a gift?


I am fit to be tied this morning. Thank you for listening.

 

[jrmasm]

She emailed looking for gifts? Dang!!

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Honestly IMO you were wrong to handle it this way. Don't punish kids, especially your own nephews, because their parents have not taught them how to acknowledge a gift, especially when you have had plenty of opportunity to try and get the kids to understand that you'd like a call or a text etc. If this were me I would have called to make a point to ask if they received the gifts and if they liked everything "Since I haven't heard anything at all." At least acknowledge the issue and give them an opportunity to fix it before you just flat out stop.

 

[scrhsa]

For years, I have sent my nephews substantial Christmas and Birthday gifts ($100 for each occasion, per child). Never (and I mean NEVER) have their parents thanked me or even acknowledged that they received the gift. They are now pre-teens and I finally called it quits on the gift giving this Christmas. Why should I be sending gift cards equaling $200 and not be acknowledged?


Guess who emailed me this morning asking if “there was a misunderstanding”? Sister in Law wanted to know why I didn’t send gifts to her children this year


When I explained that I didn’t know if they were receiving them, she got all huffy and replied that I shouldn’t be sending gifts to receive a thank you note. No. I do not want a thank you note. Although one would be nice. Years and years of accepting a gift and not even muttering a “thank you” in a text or an email have taken its toll on my nerves. Call me spiteful. But I just couldn’t bring myself to send them this year.


Be brutally honest. Am I wrong to have stopped the gift giving? Do you have family members who accept gifts without saying “Thank you” or even acknowledging that they received it? Does it bother you?


And how about the nerve of her emailing me and asking why I didn’t send a gift?


I am fit to be tied this morning. Thank you for listening.

My own dd doesn't respond. I have to send her a text or call and ask if she got what ever was sent to her. It is very frustrating. I'm at the point where I don't care for a thank you, just acknowledge it!! I can deal with it but it hurts that she doesn't respond when my Mom sends her something. I've tried to tell my Mom to not send her anything anymore but you know Nanas.

As far as your situation, I might not have gone cold turkey and totally cut it off the first time but I think you are right. That is an awful lot to be giving nephews!! I don't think she should have emailed you wondering where the gifts were but maybe just asking to make sure they didn't get lost. Once you said you didn't send them...she should have just dropped it. There are no obligations on getting gifts!! You don't have to explain to anyone why you aren't giving gifts.

 

[Pink Partridge]

She emailed looking for gifts? Dang!!

She tried to make it seem like she was worried my hard earned cash (I always send gift cards) got lost in the mail. She was concerned "for me".

INFURIATING. I have wondered this for years. Have my gifts been lost in the mail, because I don't hear a word about them ever. Now that I didn't send them, she is "concerned" they got lost and just wanted to let me know. And then it lead to "Is there a misunderstanding" once I said I didn't send them. It has been a lot of back and forth with her. I am actually shaking.

 

[Christine]

Brutal honesty: You did the right thing.

Not sure if these folks will ever realize it though, and what are they teaching their children?

A personally written thank you note would have been great but are apparently not en vogue anymore. I think, as you said, a text or phone call, or even a conversation next time you see them, would be fantastic and all that's needed.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Honestly IMO you were wrong to handle it this way. Don't punish kids, especially your own nephews, because their parents have not taught them how to acknowledge a gift, especially when you have had plenty of opportunity to try and get the kids to understand that you'd like a call or a text etc.

I will say, when I see them, I do ask "Did you like the Starbucks card?" (they are always at Starbucks) or "What did you get good at Disney with the gift card?" They always answer. But never say thank you. I have always wondered if I would be out of place to explain that when someone gives you a gift you acknowledge it. I really thought this was common knowledge.

But you are right. I shouldn't be punishing 12 year olds. I feel guilty about that. I really do.

Maybe they will learn something from it. You really can't go through life and not know basic "Thank you" manners. Or can you?

 

[Southernmiss]

For years, I have sent my nephews substantial Christmas and Birthday gifts ($100 for each occasion, per child). Never (and I mean NEVER) have their parents thanked me or even acknowledged that they received the gift. They are now pre-teens and I finally called it quits on the gift giving this Christmas. Why should I be sending gift cards equaling $200 and not be acknowledged?


Guess who emailed me this morning asking if “there was a misunderstanding”? Sister in Law wanted to know why I didn’t send gifts to her children this year


When I explained that I didn’t know if they were receiving them, she got all huffy and replied that I shouldn’t be sending gifts to receive a thank you note. No. I do not want a thank you note. Although one would be nice. Years and years of accepting a gift and not even muttering a “thank you” in a text or an email have taken its toll on my nerves. Call me spiteful. But I just couldn’t bring myself to send them this year.


Be brutally honest. Am I wrong to have stopped the gift giving? Do you have family members who accept gifts without saying “Thank you” or even acknowledging that they received it? Does it bother you?


And how about the nerve of her emailing me and asking why I didn’t send a gift?


I am fit to be tied this morning. Thank you for listening.

I give gifts because I have been gifted with many blessings.

There have been lean years when it's been hard to give generously to nieces and nephews and I struggled with feeling generous giving them a gift.

But this year, our situation is different and it was such a peaceful, enjoyable feeling to give to nieces and nephews. Granted, our gifts are not over $30 to each niece or nephew. I did not care if they thanked me, but they did in person.

You give because you WANT to and can. Or not give because it's not in you (for whatever reason).

Sister in law was bold to email you. And I can see how you would be put off by it. But it was a precedent that you had set for years and I guess the kids noticed this year that they did not get a gift from Pink Partridge. The kids probably asked her what was up.

To me, I prefer giving to kids in our family instead of charities. We are all middle class and a special treat is a nice thing.

 

[nene0182]

My son is almost 15 years old and I’ve been telling him since he was little that he is responsible for telling gift givers thank you and if he doesn’t not to be surprised if one day “Grandma” decides she is done sending him gifts. So obviously, I don’t blame you for deciding you were done.

 

[Pink Partridge]

To me, I prefer giving to kids in our family instead of charities. We are all middle class and a special treat is a nice thing.

I agree. It is very nice. I love to give gifts. These are the only people that don't acknowledge receiving them. Others in the family have stopped giving years ago. Their rudeness is well known. How do you physically receive something and never acknowledge it? That would keep me up at night.

When you really think about it, how do I even know if the gifts have arrived?

 

[FlightlessDuck]

If you give gifts looking for thanks than they aren't gifts.

While thanks should be expected, they shouldn't be a requirement.

But your SIL asking if gifts weren't sent is incredibly rude.

 

[Disneylover99]

You should do what you think is right and not worry about it or feel guilty.
Your sister inlaw has a lot of nerve.

 

[Pink Partridge]

If you give gifts looking for thanks than they aren't gifts.

While thanks should be expected, they shouldn't be a requirement.

How about "Got it!"? Just letting you know that they received your gift. Imagine going years without even saying you received a gift.

 

[Mizzoufan]

I dont give gifts to get a thank you. I do raise my kids to show appreciation when they are giving items

 

[MamaBelle4]

I have taught my kids to say thank you, regardless of whether or not they like the gift. "Aunt So-So took time and thought of you and got you something because she loves you. Even if you don't like it, you say thank you because you should appreciate she loves you enough to think of you and want to give you something." I thought this was what most people did.

Until I witnessed my MIL opening gifts. "That wasn't what I wanted." "Well, I guess this is the year everyone is getting coffee and I don't like these big mugs." "OMG, these are horrible. Why would you buy me these ugly old lady clothes?"

I felt my jaw drop. I couldn't imagine responding like that (FYI, I got the coffee and mugs because they love coffee and at that time DH and I were just dating). Thankfully, DH responds like his dad, simple but quiet and sincere "Thank you." And for the record, I love my MIL and we get along fabulously, but we only get her gift cards any more because there is always SOMETHING wrong with any gift and I'm not wasting my time picking out what I think is a great gift only to have it unappreciated. So, OP, I understand why you felt the need to stop. I probably would have tried to talk to your nephews about being appreciative but your SIL probably wouldn't have been a fan of you "interfering" either.

 

[NYCgrrl]

The man's nephews and their parents did that for years- no thank yous. When he finally stopped sending money (when they were in their 20's) and told me, I just said:"What took you so long?" and the subject was closed until he asked whyyy DGD had to take time away from her busy weekend having fun schedule to write thank you notes to gift givers.
I said so people don't think it's all a gift grab as they do for your nephews and my youngest sister. Subject closed again.
Just smh over the chutzpah it took for an adult to ask why and get snippy on top of it.
Ah well... you can't choose family.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Until I witnessed my MIL opening gifts. "That wasn't what I wanted." "Well, I guess this is the year everyone is getting coffee and I don't like these big mugs." "OMG, these are horrible. Why would you buy me these ugly old lady clothes?"

That is hurtful. I wonder why some people feel the need to be openly rude?

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I see nothing wrong with you not giving them anything if they don't send thank you or acknowledge receipt of the gift. I think you did the right thing.

I'm currently trying to decide if I should let my husbands Aunt know that one of the gifts she sent didn't arrive which is why she didn't get a thank you from my daughter. I don't want her to think my daughter is being lazy for not writing a thank you but the gift was lost someplace in the mail or stolen since it never arrived.
We received one for our son which is why I know she sent one for our daughter since she would never send a gift for one without sending for the other (her words).

 

[MamaBelle4]

That is hurtful. I wonder why some people feel the need to be openly rude?

Honestly, it is just her nature. She is opinionated and direct. But I'm not opening myself to spending our money on gifts that are ultimately unappreciated. Nope. Gift cards it is.

ETA: I agree it is rude though and very contrary to the way I was raised.

 

[Pink Partridge]

The man's nephews and parents did that for years- no thank yous. When he finally stopped sending money (when they were in their 20's) and told me, I just said:"What took you so long?" and the subject was closed until he asked whyyy DGD had to take time away from her busy weekend having fun schedule to write thank you notes to gift givers I said so people don't think it's all a gift grab as they do for your nephews and my youngest sister. Subject closed again.
Just smh over the chutzpah it took to for an adult to ask why and get snippy on top of it.
Ah well... you can't choose family.

Yes! That's the thing. These people are openly rude. Refuse to acknowledge or thank someone for a gift. But then they take their rudeness to an entirely different level by asking WHERE the gift (that they never acknowledge) is this year. And openly say they shouldn't have to say thank you. That you should just hand over the gift. Where does this mindset come from and why have I been catering to it for so long?