Thought you 24 fanatics might get a kick out of this.
The Jack Bauer Speech To Lazy Teenager
There comes a point in life when a child turns into a creature that cannot get out of bed in the morning. You can try bribery -- cash, Red Bull, offers to buy the kid a car -- and still, the lumpy object will not stir. Dawn will be a distant memory, and still the slothful entity will refuse to become fully conscious, much less vertical. You will realize, as a parent, that you must bring out the heavy artillery. You must give the Jack Bauer Speech:
"Do you have any idea," you will say, "what Jack Bauer would have already accomplished by this late hour?"
[For those of you lacking culture and sophistication, Jack Bauer is the terrorism-foiling hero of the TV show "24."]
"Jack Bauer would have already stolen a helicopter. Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter faster than most people can drop off dry-cleaning. Jack Bauer would have somehow managed to find and summarily execute a political assassin. He would have already broken into a building swarming with federal agents who think he is the actual assassin, and extracted secret codes from a computer. He would have then escaped, and raced to the airport to monitor and ultimately foil a hostage situation. All this while YOU have slumbered!
"And how does Jack Bauer do all these things? He does them because his parents taught him how to get out of bed in the morning. His parents taught him the virtue of industriousness. He gets all this accomplished because he believes in working hard, even when it is unclear whether he is still on anyone's payroll. He will capture and kill the bad guys who want to detonate a nuclear weapon in a large city even if, on paper, it should be his day off. He does not pause for unnecessary events, like going to the bathroom. Though he will sometimes detour his stolen chopper to Starbucks and rush in for his morning coffee, he will order the drip, rather than wait for a fussy espresso drink.
"He knows that the secret to foiling a terrorist plot in the morning is to leave his lunch plans flexible. He knows that the only sure way to master the art of time management is to fake his death and thereby eliminate such timesucks as sending thank-you notes for Christmas presents. But it all starts with GETTING OUT OF THE FRIGGIN' BED."
Joel Achenbach - Washington Post
The Jack Bauer Speech To Lazy Teenager
There comes a point in life when a child turns into a creature that cannot get out of bed in the morning. You can try bribery -- cash, Red Bull, offers to buy the kid a car -- and still, the lumpy object will not stir. Dawn will be a distant memory, and still the slothful entity will refuse to become fully conscious, much less vertical. You will realize, as a parent, that you must bring out the heavy artillery. You must give the Jack Bauer Speech:
"Do you have any idea," you will say, "what Jack Bauer would have already accomplished by this late hour?"
[For those of you lacking culture and sophistication, Jack Bauer is the terrorism-foiling hero of the TV show "24."]
"Jack Bauer would have already stolen a helicopter. Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter faster than most people can drop off dry-cleaning. Jack Bauer would have somehow managed to find and summarily execute a political assassin. He would have already broken into a building swarming with federal agents who think he is the actual assassin, and extracted secret codes from a computer. He would have then escaped, and raced to the airport to monitor and ultimately foil a hostage situation. All this while YOU have slumbered!
"And how does Jack Bauer do all these things? He does them because his parents taught him how to get out of bed in the morning. His parents taught him the virtue of industriousness. He gets all this accomplished because he believes in working hard, even when it is unclear whether he is still on anyone's payroll. He will capture and kill the bad guys who want to detonate a nuclear weapon in a large city even if, on paper, it should be his day off. He does not pause for unnecessary events, like going to the bathroom. Though he will sometimes detour his stolen chopper to Starbucks and rush in for his morning coffee, he will order the drip, rather than wait for a fussy espresso drink.
"He knows that the secret to foiling a terrorist plot in the morning is to leave his lunch plans flexible. He knows that the only sure way to master the art of time management is to fake his death and thereby eliminate such timesucks as sending thank-you notes for Christmas presents. But it all starts with GETTING OUT OF THE FRIGGIN' BED."
Joel Achenbach - Washington Post
