Ch. 43: A Dissertation on Developmental Psychology as a Date Night Distraction
Although somewhat taken aback after hearing about Ed’s encounter with the Un-Disney security guard, I was nevertheless anxious to get settled so we could proceed with our plans for Date Night. After our
romantic dinner at
Artist Point, Ed and I thought we might try Pleasure Island and our favorite (alas, now defunct) grown-up venue, the
Adventurer’s Club. I really loved that zany place!
The last time we had been, unfortunately, Ed was suffering the effects of a bad head cold so we had to abbreviate our visit. We thought it would be fun to go back there again!
However, if it looked like we would not have enough time for that, then we could simply walk around the grounds of the resort….perhaps down to one of the beaches by the shore of Bay Lake….just to hold hands and take a quiet little moonlight stroll.
We might even be lucky enough to catch the
Electric Water Pageant. So, as you can see, we were fairly flexible with our after-dinner plans.
We could afford to be this flexible because earlier that week, I had called in a reservation for the supervised childcare program at Wilderness Lodge, the
Cub’s Den. Tricia (11) wasn’t thrilled, but she planned to bring a book in case she got bored with the arts and crafts. The club is for kids up to age twelve and, being that it was Friday night, there was a good chance that she would meet some other kids her own age. I knew Billy (9) would be happy anywhere there was a TV and tons of videos….they’re kind of his favorite thing.
It seemed to me to be the
perfect plan: romantic grown-up dinner for Mom & Dad, fun on-site supervision for the kids, and a chance for Aunt Rae to have some quiet time alone.
Uh-oh, here comes that needle scratch again!
I was standing at the mirror, putting in my earrings, when Tricia came into our bathroom. “Mom,” she said in a loud stage whisper, “Aunt Rae thinks she’s coming to the Cub’s Den with us!” I turned and just stared at her. “She’s getting her shoes on right now!” Ed was still pacing around the bedroom getting dressed and muttering about the security guard incident, so I didn’t think he was listening. Tricia threw up her hands. “What’s up with that?” she asked.
Indeed,
what was up with that?
I went next door to investigate. Yes, there she was, dressed and ready, hat on her head and shoes on her feet.
Hoo-boy. 
I tentatively broached the issue. “Aunt Rae, we’re taking the kids to the Cub’s Den to play while Ed and I have dinner…”
“Yes, I’m ready!”
Hoo-boy-oo-boy. 
The original
pre-trip plan had the kids staying in the villa with AR while we went to dinner. But we had not anticipated how very different she would be on this trip.
It was before the sudden flare-up of her gout, before her increased anxiety attacks, and before her fatigue and decreased endurance level had became increasingly apparent to us.
Honestly, if there had been a fire or some other emergency, it most likely would have been
Tricia making sure
Aunt Rae got out safely, not the other way around. So it would be Tricia, the eleven-year old, watching out for both her elderly great aunt and her rambunctious autistic brother. No, I don’t think so.
Do you recall how Aunt Rae reacted when we left her with the kids earlier in the week? Remember when we were just down the hall chatting with
YodaK and
mrsksomeday? She was petrified that she would fall asleep and that we would think ill of her. The image of that poor dear sitting bolt upright and fully dressed in bed, desperately trying not to nod off while the kids snoozed was not one that I wanted to see again.
The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.
These things had led to our decision to use the
Cub’s Den for our childcare needs that night. Now I know with absolute certainty that we had talked with AR about the kids club earlier in the week. In fact, I’m positive that she had been sitting right there when I made the reservation. And she had listened while Tricia had complained about being “too old” for the Cub’s Den and when Ed and I had reassured her that she would not have a completely miserable time; that she might even have fun.
So it was with genuine surprise that I learned Aunt Rae intended to go to the Cub’s Den
with the children. And, being caught so completely off guard, I didn’t really know what to say.
Ed decided to say it for me.
“Aunt Rae, the Cub’s Den is just for children…” he began slowly, but she cut in with, “Oh, I’ll just sit there and watch while they have fun!”
I faltered as I tried to explain, “Aunt Rae, you don’t understand…”
“Oh, we’ll be fine, you two go along and have a nice dinner,” she said with a big smile.
She wasn’t getting it.
“Aunt Rae, it’s not just a place with activities for kids. It’s a
child-care facility,” I said, placing special emphasis on the last three words.
She still looked confused and the clock was ticking. We needed to put it on the line.
“We don’t want you to have to watch the children again,” Ed said abruptly.
Ouch.
Perhaps the line didn’t need to be quite that sharp! The security guard incident had made him prickly.
Her eyes opened wide and she began to vigorously protest, “But I
love the children, it’s no bother,
no bother at all!”
I knew it. No matter how hard we tried, her feelings were always getting hurt. “Aunt Rae, we
know you love the children, but you’re
tired, you need to rest….”
She suddenly looked alarmed now ….she was beginning to question our motives.
“I’m fine, really, I’m fine!” She implored. “I can watch them for you!”
As always, hindsight is
20/20. Perhaps we should have talked earlier with AR more pointedly and directly about our concerns. Perhaps I could have called the Cub’s Den and asked if she could just hang out down there with the kids. Perhaps I should have just cancelled our dinner reservation and called room service; I don’t know.
What I
do know is that by the time this whole thing had come to a head, I had really just had enough of tippy-toeing around Aunt Rae’s feelings, as much as I love her.
Why can’t she just do as we ask, I thought to myself.
Why does she have to be so bloody sensitive about everything? I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells this entire week!
And that’s when it hit me. I
had been walking on eggshells the entire week!
Think about that expression for a moment.
Walking on eggshells. It’s
impossible to walk on eggshells without them cracking and breaking under your feet, no matter how gently you tread. You’d be doomed to failure and go crazy trying.
AR’s feelings were, and are, just like those fragile eggshells. It didn’t matter what we did or said, she was in a very vulnerable state and those feelings were going to get hurt one way or the other.
And, naturally, since that was the last thing in the world we wanted to do, it had made for a very stressful week.
I suddenly felt very, very sorry for AR. My grandmother used to say, simply,
“It’s tough to get old.” AR was beginning to enter a very challenging time in her life…a time when the ground was shifting underneath her…a time when she would need to relinquish some of her previous roles and take on newer, more distasteful ones.
Erikson labeled this stage of developmental psychology
“Ego Integrity vs. Despair.”
For many, many years Rae had been “Aunt” Rae, the quintessential spinster aunt, spoiler of nephews and babysitter extraordinaire. Then, the nephews grew up…her babysitting services were no longer needed. She reached the age of retirement and no longer went to work each day. How wonderful it must have been for her to re-connect with Ed and re-live the role she so enjoyed in younger days!
I recalled the intermittent times that we had called upon her in a pinch to watch the kids over the past 3 years. She would call me the next day and thank me. THANK ME for allowing her to baby-sit the children. She felt useful. She felt needed. It was an important part of her self-image, her ego.
In this moment, as she realized that she would not be baby-sitting the kids, she saw that slipping away again. No longer useful, no longer needed. She was feeling despair.
**Just so you know, these random thoughts had actually flashed through my mind in the matter of a split second, and it was a good thing, too, because
Holy Smoke, its almost 6:30 here, people! We made this reservation 180 days ago….let’s wrap this thing up and GO!
Kathy
Perhaps tomorrow....
I had to go and get dolled up for Artist Point!
Ed was when he returned to the room! He was experiencing the effects of the initial adrenalin rush from the emergency, coupled with anger at the security guard’s treatment of him and the other guest who had responded to the situation. He came in looking red in the face and talking a mile-a-minute. He continued to vent as he got cleaned up and changed for our dinner date while I listened in amazement to his tale.
