And so it starts...

[SLK1]

One of my best friends just enrolled her children in a private school because they cannot take the pressure and perform well during statewide standardized tests. The private school doesn't do that kind of testing and they're hoping they will have more overall success at this new school. My friend has always been a big supporter of our public schools and has made note of when people do go to private, they seem to start bashing and putting down the public schools. She swore she would never do such a thing...

Well today it started. It started with her telling me that her new school was so friendly and she couldn't believe how different it was from our public schools. How they treated you in such a great manner whereas at our public school, they're just nasty. Then she went on to say how at the private school, the bathrooms were nicer - and even her kids made comments about how different and nice even the bathrooms were. Then she said her husband read the student handbook at the public high school (where her daughter was supposed to go) and commented on how "if they have rules like these, it must not be a very good place", and blah, blah, blah...

I had to excuse myself from the conversation. She actually did it! She actually started the bashing and I know it'll only get worse. I understand she's excited and nervous about the new school and wants it to seem perfect, I really get that, but to put down my childrens' schools is just not o.k. She's a great friend and I know if I bring it up to her, and tell her "You're doing it!!!", she will stop, but I hate confrontation. Guess it's time to grow a pair and tell her before it gets worse.

Anyone have experiences like this?

 

[MissyDVC]

Guess it's time to grow a pair and tell her before it gets worse.

 

[cari12]

It sounds like they are trying to reinforce (out loud) that they made the right decision. Perhaps trying to justify the cost by pointing out the extras they are getting. BTW I am not surprised that the school treats them so well, they want them to keep coming and keep paying!

 

[Robinrs]

It sounds like they are trying to reinforce (out loud) that they made the right decision. Perhaps trying to justify the cost by pointing out the extras they are getting. BTW I am not surprised that the school treats them so well, they want them to keep coming and keep paying!

Exactly.

You have to give people the permission to make you feel bad. Don't let it get to you. Just nod, say thanks but it's not for us and good for you, and move on.

 

[ToyStory Fan]

It's all fine and dandy until the pressure to ensure you are getting your money's worth outweighs the pressure your child was feeling from the state testing. I did private school growing up and I have to tell you there was a heck of alot more pressure on me than in public school with the state tests.

It's all about what you want for your own kid and being a parent...some people don't have good parenting skills (I'm not accusing your friend of that) but they feel that it is someone else's responsibility to either make or break or mold their kid...I'm sorry - but I thought that was a parent's job. If I see something not going right for my kid at school (pressure etc) I look to the cause...the state testing is not the cause...lack of understanding of the concepts is the cause...easy to blame the tests - won't be so easy when their kid is feeling the same academic pressures from their (presumably) pricey private education.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

It sounds like they are trying to reinforce (out loud) that they made the right decision. Perhaps trying to justify the cost by pointing out the extras they are getting. BTW I am not surprised that the school treats them so well, they want them to keep coming and keep paying!

This ^^^

 

[TriMom]

I would have had the same vent to my DH and here is what he would have said to me:

She is your friend right? Stop taking her happiness as a personal atack on youand just be happy for her. She is probably excited - "I can't believe how nice everyone is". They are probably worried about and justifing the cost "the public school must be very bad". And the bathrooms probably ARE much nicer.


I would give your friend some grace and give her a couple of weeks before calling her out on her behavior. I would want my friends to be as tolerant of me.

 

[marcemc]

My best friend's DD couldn't get in the charter school of their choice (it's a lottery process) so they decided to put her in a private school.

That was last year & I am still hearing about it

She tried this year to get into the charter school again, so I guess she's not fully convinced of paying so much money, but she won't confess to it.

 

[shortbun]

It sounds like they are trying to reinforce (out loud) that they made the right decision. Perhaps trying to justify the cost by pointing out the extras they are getting. BTW I am not surprised that the school treats them so well, they want them to keep coming and keep paying!

Maybe and maybe not. Public schools can get pretty Dickens-like. Lots of them are old, broken and poor. We considered private school last year when our son was having health issues. We saw some really nice schools compared to our public schools. Bright, well lit learning environments and yes, the bathrooms sparkled. I also think a big difference is that all students in private schools have parents who thought enough about their education to secure their spot in the private school. Public schools, especially in inter-urban systems are full of kids who's parents don't even know if they go to school. I know, I drove the bus from areas where kids clearly had nothing to eat and no one to take care of them. I've had middle school principals who told me they had to let students skip detentions because no adult was in the home for the younger children unless the 6th grader went home. So, the students often set the tone in a public school and there are so many students who need help...not all of them get it.

Our son is going back into a public school this year. He did get into a magnate that is very selective, starting with grade point in their first lottery.
It is his belief that he will be in class with students who actually turn in their work on time. I hope he's correct.

 

[disneyfreakk]

I would have had the same vent to my DH and here is what he would have said to me:

She is your friend right? Stop taking her happiness as a personal atack on youand just be happy for her. She is probably excited - "I can't believe how nice everyone is". They are probably worried about and justifing the cost "the public school must be very bad". And the bathrooms probably ARE much nicer.


I would give your friend some grace and give her a couple of weeks before calling her out on her behavior. I would want my friends to be as tolerant of me.

*THIS*

 

[bumbershoot]

Comparing the two doesn't equal bashing. If the people are nicer, then they are. If the bathrooms are nicer, then they are. Describing things as they are isn't bashing. It's just describing.

 

[Miller1412]

I have family that does this. I think they feel the need to justify the $$$ they are putting out. I am a public school teacher and my kids go to public school. I've even had one family member tell me that "there are no do-overs" when it comes to school choices. Whatever...I'm happy for them. To each his own. It's just insecurity talking anyway.

 

[cari12]

I have family that does this. I think they feel the need to justify the $$$ they are putting out. I am a public school teacher and my kids go to public school. I've even had one family member tell me that "there are no do-overs" when it comes to school choices. Whatever...I'm happy for them. To each his own. It's just insecurity talking anyway.

Private schools are not always better either -depends where you go. BIL had sons in private elementary school and they were quite happy with it. When it came to high school though, when they looked into it (due to a hefty price increase), the public school offered so many more choices for electives than the private school could. They were very surprised to learn this. So in this instance, they were paying more for less! Needless to say, they going to public high school.

 

[minkydog]

It sounds like they are trying to reinforce (out loud) that they made the right decision. Perhaps trying to justify the cost by pointing out the extras they are getting. BTW I am not surprised that the school treats them so well, they want them to keep coming and keep paying!

It's very common for people to seek validation for decisions they've made. She's in the honeymoon stage right now, where everything is rosy and fabulous. She needs to rationalize spending the massive amount of money they're spending for the private school, too. I'd probably point it out to her. And then let her know that you will not enter into conversation about the children's schooling, not her OR yours. Period. And when she brings it up again (and she will, i promise) remind her that the subject is off the table. If she insists, you're probably going to have to exhibit some tough love and remove yourself from her presense or hang up the phone.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would proceed with caution. I agree with pps, your friend is validating her choice more to herself than to you. People sometimes (oftentimes) say things without thinking how it impacts others. You could joke with her that your kids still go to the unfriendly, unclean school. And that may be all it takes.

You know what they say about the higher a person is the harder they fall (something like that)? It's shiny and new now. The honeymoon phase. It won't last forever. And she'll need a friend to vent to when things don't go so well. And at some point they won't. Nothing is ever perfect all the time.

 

[beachcomber]

I would proceed with caution. I agree with pps, your friend is validating her choice more to herself than to you. People sometimes (oftentimes) say things without thinking how it impacts others. You could joke with her that your kids still go to the unfriendly, unclean school. And that may be all it takes.

You know what they say about the higher a person is the harder they fall (something like that)? It's shiny and new now. The honeymoon phase. It won't last forever. And she'll need a friend to vent to when things don't go so well. And at some point they won't. Nothing is ever perfect all the time.

I agree with a nice little joke about it...you don't need to be confrontational. No school is perfect, we're kidding ourselves if we think one is.

I know there are some things at our children's private school that could be construed as negative...we just think that for our family, this school year, it works better. I have very close friends and neighbors that think the public school nearby works better for them. We actually compare the positives AND the negatives so that we can all make the best choices that we can for our children.

Don't let this taint a friendship!

 

[momof1princess]

OP, i agree with the PPs who stated that your friend may be trying to justify the cost to herself, and she's likely worried about how her child will fare in private school.

i visited my cousin's private school a few times, and was always impressed at how clean the place was, and how well behaved the kids seemed to be. well, first impressions aren't always what they seem. i found out, after my cousin graduated last year, that he HATED going to school there-not only did the other students and the teachers treat him poorly (some students even made fun of him for being diabetic), but the football and basketball coaches rarely let him play, because his parents weren't rich and couldn't afford to donate to the athletic program. in other words, the kids of the biggest donors got the playing time, whether they were any good or not.
i had wanted to send my DD to this same school, but not anymore.

 

[chris1gill]

It's all about what you want for your own kid and being a parent...some people don't have good parenting skills (I'm not accusing your friend of that) but they feel that it is someone else's responsibility to either make or break or mold their kid...I'm sorry - but I thought that was a parent's job. If I see something not going right for my kid at school (pressure etc) I look to the cause...the state testing is not the cause...lack of understanding of the concepts is the cause...easy to blame the tests - won't be so easy when their kid is feeling the same academic pressures from their (presumably) pricey private education.

So if you send your kid to a private school you are shirking your parental duties and if you keep your super achieving talented kid bored as paint drying on a wall at the public school and they want to just quit, that's your parental fault as well. When do parents stop getting blamed around here, I'm just really curious... Not that I care much, just curious. it's not like there's much assuming going on.

 

[tvguy]

One of my best friends just enrolled her children in a private school because they cannot take the pressure and perform well during statewide standardized tests. The private school doesn't do that kind of testing and they're hoping they will have more overall success at this new school. My friend has always been a big supporter of our public schools and has made note of when people do go to private, they seem to start bashing and putting down the public schools. She swore she would never do such a thing...

I don't know what the problem is. I'd be guilty of this too. When I discovery something new, that I had no previous experience with, is better than what I had before, I tell my friends. Restaurants, Doctors, mechanics, stores, you name it. And I listen to my friends opinions on this too.
Heck, the entire concept of Angies List, Yelp and the like is to do this.

 

[low-key]

different strokes for different folks, I hate when one bashes the other