An Inconvenient Truth: happyhaunt Style! (New... pg. 113!)

[OhMari]

To be continued. Up Next: HURRAH!! OH MARI!!! We DO get to Disney! Well... to Orlando. At least.

 

[Grumpy's Wife]

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only over packer in the bunch. Looking forward to more.

 

[kpk89]

We stared at him. For a minute or two. Until he jumped back out and got his shoes from inside the van and rejoined us. Whew.

Mel this made me . That's right, twice. Once for Calvin, and once for Conor. Because he would do that too.

Love your report. I'm reading it aloud to dh. we are disneyborgnerds.

 

[LaLa]

I was looking at Mellyman out of the corner of my eye and he was doing the same to me when Calvin, bless his heart, piped up "Wow. Holy CRAP! WE HAVE WAY MORE LUGGAGE THAN EVERYONE ELSE!". Geez. Thanks my darling son. For noticing. That.

This had me rolling on the floor. And silently shaking. All at the same time.

Four happyhaunts head for the door while the fifth one, with OCD, beeps the car remote four times in a row to make sure it's good and locked. Yep. It's REALLY locked now. Way more locked than after the first beep. I think.

Okay, so I'm not the ONLY person who does this? Good. I feel better now.
Love the trip report Mel. It's great. Okay, I'm off to organize my sock drawer according to colors now. Again.

 

[HaleyB]

You can depend on my middle son to let you know when you've got a bad haircut, or something in your teeth... or to let your husband know when you bash the bumper of the van into a cement wall at the mall attempting to back out of your parking space. Not that that has ever happened. To anyone I know. I think.

That made me giggle. Actually just about every line made me giggle.

 

[Minnie]

Mel - I promised my DM that on our last trip we would only take carryons as it was a quick weekend trip. Well I kept my word - but you should have seen that carryon (Is there an overpackers annonymous on the boards anywhere?????)

 

[NAB]

Your Calvin really sounds like my son, he says what is on his mind and very loudly too. Got to love em.
Great report....as usual

 

[burly]

Love it love it love it, keep posting, I'll keep reading and laughing. You so funny happyhaunt.

 

[abe_froman]

And what happened to Toonces the Cat Who Could Drive a Car?

man oh man do i miss toonces...and heyowhaddayaknow an appropriate pac man type smiley thing: well it would be, if i had furniture that swank (or is a tv an appliance, i can never remember...where's bob barker when you need him?)

all homicidal feline references and bad jokes aside, i'm really enjoying the trip report, you're a very talented, distinguished writer (i feel like i'm grading yr term paper) with a good sense. of. comic. pacing.

anywho all of this is to say, viva vomitus emeritus

cheers!

PS: i'm too incompelazy too quote it but i loved the festivus reference...bravo, vincent.

 

[Katy Belle]

Fabulous Mel! Enjoying every moment. I have a kid who always leaves his shoes behind too....ugh.
I am in your club...the SHE WHO SETS OFF EVERY METAL DETECTOR. One trip I set off five, and it was my Bra and the clip that fastens my PANTS! They didn't actually make me remove my bra or my pants...thank God! But I was thouroughly patted down by numerous folks on that trip! Those particular pieces of clothing no longer get to go on vacation.

Looking forward to the next six months of reading.
Katy

 

[DisneyNutMary]

I am loving your TR Mel!
I feel like Calvin is a part of my family, he's too funny, must make life interesting at your home

 

[AshClan]

Funnily enough... THE KNIFE in my DVC bag went through perfectly fine. At least on the way to Orlando. Different story on the way home. Wait for THAT. I'll fill you in... in the last chapter of this tale. Probably about six months from now. Heh, heh.

Okay, I'm afraid to ask WHY you took a knive with you to WDW? Do we not even want to know the answer? Did you bring some of the General's muffins and a regular DVC knife isn't strong enough to cut through them? Do you like to use your own knife to cut your filet at Le Cellier? Do you plan to steal something from the room that needs to be cut off?? These and other questions, hopefully to be answered in Melly's next installment........

Can't Wait!!!!

 

[catherines_mama]

loving your report Mel! I don't want to wait for the next part!

Your reports are so great! I need them to help the next 13 days go quicker!

 

[lillygator]

Hey Mel - great reporting AND



you got MarkyMark and a TR Mod to post in your TR.........WOWSA~!!! Are you like the ultimate cool kid or what?

 

[MommyPoppins]

We stared at him. For a minute or two. Until he jumped back out and got his shoes from inside the van and rejoined us. Whew.

I thought for a second I was reading something I had posted myself. My Seth has walked from the house, down the very long driveway and entered the van, only to be told that he had to go back to the house and get his shoes.

 

[fizz13]

Sorry to say but even I have been sent back to the house on more than one occasion as I forgot to put my shoes on, don't know how I thought I might drive my car without shoes to protect my feet, guess I'm just a hippy chick at heart.

Great writing as usual, as always, wow your ego must be quite big by now huh? Gotta love the DIS fanclub,
Claire xx

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

Day One Disclaimer: This next part will be offensive to Australian mammals, older gentlemen, female superheros, good fashion sense, My Mother, Halle Berry and all things French. Oh yeah... and a certain attorney. That I know. Please read at your own risk. Thanks.

A quick glance at my DH who is staring at Calvin with wide-eyed amazement that his orders have been so quickly forgotten led me to the wise decision that I should take The Koala to the restroom... and not him.

"ssssssssssssssssss...SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...HURRRUMBAAAAAA"

"Alright, alright... I know you have to really go badly. Come on!" I say and grab his hand and head off with a nod to my new Pre-Boarding buddies, who are now staring at Calvin, too. And, I figured, assuming that HE was the reason we were given the Pre-Boarding greenlight. And NOT Tommy and his stroller and carseat. As we walked towards the washrooms I let Calvin know his father was getting upset with him, "Calvin... we have to talk. (The four worst words in the English language) Please chill with The Koala for awhile. Sweet Fancy Moses, Daddy IS GETTIN' ANGRY!" He agreed and we entered the washroom. Where he stopped dead and braced his arms on the doorframe, " No WAY! I'm not going into the girls!!! NO WAY!" Crap. I hate sending him into the mens washroom alone. In strange places. With strangers. With potential sickos. Or poachers. Even. As I pried five of his fingers off the doorframe to let another lady through, I realized that it wasn't worth the fight. "Alright. Use the mens. Be fast, though. And wash your hands. OK?" He nodded and disappeared through the other door. Still... still... I couldn't help myself so I stuck my head in, about thirty seconds later, and yelled, "FIVE MINUTES, MISTER, OR I'M COMING IN! AND... USE SOAP!!!" Calvin was nowhere to be seen... and I really startled an older gentleman at the sinks. He obediently reached for the soap dispenser, though. As I stood outside waiting for Calvin, Beth ran by me and into the womens. She looked to be in a slight panic. I popped in to check if she was pulling a ZZUB. From either The General's lunch fiasco or else from nerves. She was ok, though. Whew. It appeared that it was just me, still, with the gut-bustin' raunch. Calvin FINALLY emerged from the washroom and we headed back to the line. "Calvin, what took you so long?" I inquired. "Oh, I was just talkin' to some guy in the bathroom." He answered. "CALVIN! I've told you not to talk to strangers. In washrooms. Before. Come on! You just do your business and leave. That's it. No socializing." I glare at him. "But why Mom?" he asks. "Well... just because. It's a law. The Law of the Mensroom." I answer, "Just ask your father". We get back to the line and Calvin pipes up, "Dad? Are YOU allowed to talk to other guys in the washroom?" he wonders. "Absolutely NOT." "Oh." So there.

We board the plane a minute or two later and grab five seats together. The guys sit in front of Beth and I. There is an empty seat to my right on the aisle. For some lucky, lucky person. Because I am not the world's greatest airplane "guest". Nope. I hate to fly. I blame The General. And, why not? You see, my dear Mother used to fly quite a bit. She married later in life, had money, had a good job and used to fly to New York City several times a year to shop, see shows on Broadway and meet guys. Mwwaaaaaahhaaaaahaaaaa. Oh. Sorry. The last part isn't true... the guy thing... but it makes me laugh. It's funny. But... only if you know The General. So, sorry. Anywho... she loved to do this until one fateful flight that nearly went down due to bad weather and had to make a crash landing. It was a small plane and everyone was fine in the end. But after that, The General was TERRIFIED to fly. And transmitted her fear to me as a child. She would just become a completely different person when we flew: helpless, scared, weepy, holding tight to my father the whole time. Praying. Shaking. Telling us how much she loved us. It was awful. Upsetting. To fly with her. But... my dad loved to fly. He had his pilot's license and it was his hobby when he was younger. LOVED IT! Funny how THAT didn't stick with me, huh? Just The General's extreme terror and outright affection. I'm sure it's an issue that I should explore further in therapy. But I won't. So there. It is what it is... I hate to fly. Period. When we took off I held tight to Beth's hand and said a long earnest prayer. That we would survive this one and that I would never end up on a flight with a bunch of people headed to a clown convention. Shudder. Sometimes I also hold hands with my other seatmate. Stranger or not. No matter. To me. This time, however, the woman beside me looked kinda intimidating so I moved my leg over so that it was just touching hers. I don't think she noticed and it gave me a small measure of comfort. Beth isn't at all afraid to fly. She likes it. Wants the window seat and thinks I'm funny. When I grapple madly for her arm as we taxi down the runway. So I haven't managed to transmit anything negative about flying to her thus far. Geez. Again... another victory for The General! Heh, heh.

Once we're up in the air the kids pull out their homework and get busy. Leaving me to concentrate on my terror and my woozy stomach. Which is still really sore. I'm still afraid that during the flight I'll have to pull an claustrophobic, airborn ZZUB in the tiny washroom or else a seated, upright one in the handily located ZZUB-Bag in the seatback compartment in front of me. I'm not sure which would be worse? But at least if I used the Z-Bag I could keep my belt buckled the whole time. Like I always do.

I also decided to double check my Disney Obsessive Planner Kit. Just to make sure everything was in order for our trip. Inside was every bit of info we would need to make the most of our magical vacation. Plus, of course, my beloved Tigger Ears. Which I need at Disney. Because I'm 37 years old. Don't worry... I don't wear them anywhere but at Disney. Oh. I lie. After two dirty martinis, pre New Years Party departure, I decided that they accessorized my slinky black halter dress perfectly. So I wore them. At the party and two glasses of champagne later, I was convinced I had made the right fashion call. Two more glasses of champagne and I was pretty much wasted. And... Catwoman. Yes. I was just as subtle and classic as that abysmal misery on film starring Halle Berry.
And I apologize. For both of us. Whew. Anyhow... I like the Tigger Ears. I think I can still carry them off. I still look cute in them. At Disney. I think. There's a fine line, though. One must check with both their own mirror and at least one trusted friend before venturing outdoors with fluffy headband ears strapped on. "Beth?" I asked, "I brought your Minnie Ears and my Tigger ones." "Good, Mommy." she said. So I continued, "So, tell me... should I wear them this week? What do you think?" She was busy writing in her journal for school but looked up at me, "Sure. Why not? They look good on you." WHEW. WHEW. Double whew. I'm still good. Because, if there's one thing you can count on, it is that your eleven year old daughter WILL LET YOU KNOW if you are about to, in the process of or have in the past embarrassed her. Sheesh. They are SO sensitive at that age.

The next task was to look over our itinerary for the trip. Which days we were going to be at which parks and all our ADRs for meals. I poked Mellyman through the seat crack and he looked back at me. I asked him if he wanted to know where we were eating this trip. He said, "NO... I don't want to see your ADR list for the thousanth time. Because, I'm sure, that it will AGAIN change ONCE MORE at least before we land. And probably twice more before we actually pass through the gates into the Mousehole." Man. That was just plain mean. But... kinda true. "Come on!" I continue, "Aren't you at all curious?" He sighs and then says, "Just tell me if we are eating at any new and exciting places this time? What's new in the plans?" And then our converstation went like this... because I wrote it all down... to share with you:

Me: Well... I'm excited that this time we're FINALLY gonna try France in Epcot! That should be fun, eh? Les Chefs de France.
Him: I don't want to eat in France.
Me: What? Why not?
Him: The French are incompetent.
Me: Pardon me?
Him: They are totally inept. Calvin and I were just watching "World At War" on video... The Battle of France... and it's unbelievable how inept their defense of France was. UNBELIEVABLE!
Me: So. Let me get this straight: You don't want to eat at Les Chefs because of World War II. Is this correct?
Him: I'm just saying... inept. Is all.
Me: Sweetheart, we're simply having lunch at Les Chefs de France. Not launching an offensive strike on a pavillion at EPCOT.
Him: AND... the Maginot Line! WHAT A JOKE!!!
Me: I don't believe this.
Him: A joke because they never extended it properly along the Belgium border. The Germans had no trouble at all getting around it. It was ridicorous! The Germans LITERALLY WENT AROUND IT! And into France!
Me: I'll be sure to let the Biergarten know... in case they ever run out of butter.

I stopped talking to him at this point and, before we knew it, we were landing in Orlando. Once the wheels touched down I became extremely relieved and excited. OH MARI!!!! WE'RE HERE!!!! ORLANDO, BABY!!!! I started clapping, then cheering and I gave my traditional "Fist-In-The-Air-'Cause-I'm-Still-Alive" Salute to the flightcrew and the pilot. We quickly exited the plane with a buttload of carry-ons. A stroller. A carseat. One Mommy with wibbly knees.

"Nup..nup..nup"

And one Koala... Disney bound! BABY!!!!

To be continued. Up next: "No Soup For You. And NO BREAD, either."

P.S. Again, many thanks to all for your comments. Many of which made me do the silent shake laugh. And have to go pee. So. Thanks. Again. It keeps us TReporters goin'. Mad props to all.

P.S.S. I nailed this one, Z.

 

[sheridac]

Melly!!!

But at least if I used the Z-Bag I could keep my belt buckled the whole time.

You RULE woman!!

I poked Mellyman through the seat crack and he looked back at me. I asked him if he wanted to know where we were eating this trip. He said, "NO... I don't want to see your ADR list for the thousanth time. Because, I'm sure, that it will AGAIN change ONCE MORE at least before we land. And probably twice more before we actually pass through the gates into the Mousehole." Man. That was just plain mean. But... kinda true. "Come on!" I continue, "Aren't you at all curious?" He sighs and then says, "Just tell me if we are eating at any new and exciting places this time? What's new in the plans?"

Are you sure we don't share the same brideman??

 

[J and R's mom]

Me: Well... I'm excited that this time we're FINALLY gonna try France in Epcot! That should be fun, eh? Les Chefs de France.
Him: I don't want to eat in France.
Me: What? Why not?
Him: The French are incompetent.
Me: Pardon me?
Him: They are totally inept. Calvin and I were just watching "World At War" on video... The Battle of France... and it's unbelievable how inept their defense of France was. UNBELIEVABLE!
Me: So. Let me get this straight: You don't want to eat at Les Chefs because of World War II. Is this correct?
Him: I'm just saying... inept. Is all.
Me: Sweetheart, we're simply having lunch at Les Chefs de France. Not launching an offensive strike on a pavillion at EPCOT.
Him: AND... the Maginot Line! WHAT A JOKE!!!
Me: I don't believe this.
Him: A joke because they never extended it properly along the Belgium border. The Germans had no trouble at all getting around it. It was ridicorous! The Germans LITERALLY WENT AROUND IT! And into France!
Me: I'll be sure to let the Biergarten know... in case they ever run out of butter.

P.S.S. I nailed this one, Z.

Yep. You did.

 

[Minnie]

Mel - I have to admit to my white nuckle flying tendencies also. My DD (dad) loves to fly and has worked towards his pilot's license which was derailed by a heart attack - but anyhoo I love to fly in little planes where I can see the pilot and grab the controls should something happen. Big planes - not so much. Motion sickness you betcha. On one particularly memorable flight I almost managed to use the Z-ZUB myself along with most of the plane.