An "I Love You" Question

[gemmie214]

A friend and I were discussing the amount of time that it should take for a couple to get to the "I Love You" stage. We seem to have different thoughts on this.

She feels that if the "Love" talk hasn't happened and you have been together for say 3 months, it is time to cut your loses and move on. She feels that at a certain point, if it isn't said, it isn't there and you are wasting time.

I feel that if you are enjoying the process and are enjoying the company let the "Love" evolve the way it needs to evolve. I am not saying to hold out hoping for something that isn't there at all to magically appear but I do think that relationships take time, for real "Love" to develop, for trust to develop ect.

BTW: We are both in our mid 30's. She is single with no children; I am divorced with no children. She would like to find love, marry and have kids. I like my life where it is, am not opposed to remarriage and would like to have kids.

What do you think?

 

[Serena]

3 months???? That is way to soon. I don't think you even know a person in that amount of time. yeah, major like and lust maybe, but love?

 

[WDWfan36]

She feels that if the "Love" talk hasn't happened and you have been together for say 3 months, it is time to cut your loses and move on. She feels that at a certain point, if it isn't said, it isn't there and you are wasting time.

Honestly, I feel the same way as her. I would give it longer than that though, it takes time to build up trust and really know if that person wow's you. Thats why I think you should set a bit of a time limit. I think it takes time to say it, so I kinda do agree and don't agree.

 

[SC Minnie]

I think it depends on how much time you spend together. If you only see each other once a week then 3 months is not a long time to get to really know each other. If you are together almost every day then it is about right to know if the relationship is going anywhere. JMO

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

3 months???? That is way to soon. I don't think you even know a person in that amount of time. yeah, major like and lust maybe, but love?

Not so!

DH and I fell in love on our second date. Neither one of us knew at the time what was going on, but when we compared notes a few weeks later, we both experienced the same thing, on the same date.

We had both been biting back the "I love you" comment for weeks, when finally I couldn't take it anymore. It was my b-day and he was taking me back home, when I told him that I loved him. I will never forget the look on his face!

( He almost went off the road. I had to remind him that he was driving. Boy, has THAT never changed. The man is a horrible driver. Think about that the next time you see a firetruck coming at ya! )

We married three months later, and are celebrating our third anniversary October 18th, in Estes Park, CO.!

 

[kelleigh1]

Well...hubby and I exchanged "I love you's" within the first 3 weeks. (And no, we weren't lovesick teenagers. We were 32.) And we were engaged after 5 months.

I don't think you can put a time limit on when it's said. Some people just aren't comfortable saying it, for various reasons and that doesn't always mean that they don't feel it. I had a very hard time even saying "I love you" to my family for many years. And it wasn't until I was in my late 20's and early 30's that I started to say it regularly.

I believe that if you feel that a relationship is working, then don't worry about the "I love you". They are words and far too often people say them without any feeling or true meaning.

 

[SandraVB79]

I am now "in love" with someone. We got to know each other last year, when I started golfing. We spent some time once in a while at the golf club, and the last couple of weeks, we spent a little more time together, because we happened to be there more at the same time.

Last week, we uhm... we finally kissed. I am "in love", but I am nowhere close to already say "I love you". "I like you very mush" and "you're so sweet" yada yada yada is about the best we can say now

I have to get to know him better before I'll be able to say "I love you", get to know him outside of the golf environment.

JMO though
Everbody is different and everybody experiences his/ her feelings differently.

 

[gemmie214]

3 months???? That is way to soon. I don't think you even know a person in that amount of time. yeah, major like and lust maybe, but love?

I just tossed 3 months in as an example. We were more debating if there should be a set time limit and if so what should the time limit be.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I don't think there should be a time limit. Some people know and feel sooner than others. Of course I wouldn't stick around indefinetly though. I think you know if it's really working or not.

I was engaged to my DH within three months.

 

[pearlieq]

Well...hubby and I exchanged "I love you's" within the first 3 weeks. (And no, we weren't lovesick teenagers. We were 32.) And we were engaged after 5 months.

Us too!

I don't think you really pin a time limit on love. However, I do agree with her point that eventually you either need to fish or cut bait. I always swore I'd never date a guy for more than 2 years as an adult without becoming engaged. Assuming your life is stable, that's plenty of time to figure out whether you want to spend your life with someone or not. [DISCLAIMER: MY personal feelings on the issue. YMMV.]

 

[VSL]

We exchanged I Love You's in less than two weeks... but we'd already been best friends for like 4yrs.

And we were 'in love' for months before we actually got into a relationship.

In fact, I was engaged to someone else until two weeks before me and BF started going out, and even then I remember saying to my mother, 'I know I'm engaged to [ex-BF/fiance], but I'm going to marry Jay'.

 

[GeorgeG]

I agree with Miss Jasmine. Don't go out looking for love. If it's meant to be, it will happen and it may even come as a surprise. Just enjoy the company, be friends, and let things go from there. You may not find love in that person, but you'll still have a friend. You don't have to commit to any one person until the relationship becomes love for both of you. And, remember, there's love, and then there's love. You can love many people, but not necessarily be "in love." You'll know the difference when it happens. Enjoy life and the rest will come.

 

[binny]

I think everyone is different


DH and I "met" over the phone ( he was roomates with a friend of mine in Canada ) and talked every day for 6 weeks before we actually met face to face. Our combined phone bills that first month was over $600! ( yes this was back in the day but still!) We talked for hours and hours and then when we finally met it was like coming home. Thats the only way I know to describe it. We just slid into this relationship we said I love you after that first meeting. He moved to the Yukon to be with me that summer. We were engaged 3 months after we met and married 10 months after our first phone call. That was more than 14 years ago and we're still going strong!

I think sometimes you just know.

 

[poohandwendy]

I don't think there should be a time limit either. But, I do think that there is a certain point that the relationship either needs to move to the next level or it just is not worth pursuing. I really don't think you can put a generic time frame on that, though.

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

You can't put a time limit on relationships. But, depending on the amount of time you spend with someone, you should know within a few weeks if you have that "something special" with someone. A relationship takes a long time to establish and true love takes years to build. But the beginning starts out wonderful and if it doesn't, it isn't worth investing the time.

 

[LoraJ]

I think it just depends on the person. They may already feel in love, but could be afraid to say it. Maybe because they've been hurt in the past and they just want to be sure.

I have a friend who has been with a guy for over a year now, and they haven't said it yet. But he's been divorced twice, so he seems a bit hesitant and worried about getting his heart stomped on again. But he does care for her very deeply, and he lets her know that. And he makes her very happy. I think that's all that matters...for now.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I think sometimes you just know.

Yep, you do, and sometimes it can be a very strange experience when it hits you too!

I kept almost slipping and telling him that I loved him, and each time I almost said it I was appalled that I'd almost blurted it out. I was like, "where the heck is that coming from???"

When I told my DH about it a few weeks later, he said the same thing had been happening to him too!

It was one of the strangest experiences of my life! It was like we were being "led" by something. I guess it was luuuuuuvvvvv!

 

[gemmie214]

All good points.

I think my friend's thoughts on dating are different than mine. She states that she has an ultimate goal in mind. Marriage, kids ect. I do not see the need to "reach that goal" in a relationship. I am in a relationship and have been for over a year. I like my life the way it is now. I like my career, my BF (BF sounds so odd at this age ), my social life, my family life....
I am not in a rush to change my status but then again I am not opposed to it either, just not next week.

She just broke up with a decent guy because he "wasn't that into her" (Her words not mine). She wanted an "I Love You" declaration so that she would know that they were on the same track. He felt that "I Love You" was a bit premature but he did enjoy the time they were spending together. They had been together for 5 months. The first two were VERY casual....I could actually see the guys point. I know, I know, bad friend, bad, bad friend

 

[helenabear]

I don't think there should be a time limit either. But, I do think that there is a certain point that the relationship either needs to move to the next level or it just is not worth pursuing. I really don't think you can put a generic time frame on that, though.

ITA!

There have been times I cut my losses when I knew it wasn't working out or couldn't. In one case it took me less than 2 *weeks* to figure it out. I just knew it wasn't there and never could be there. We remained close friends, but I never felt like true love was ever possible with him.

Other times I have given it it months and even years to figure it out. It all depends.

Sometimes you know right away, and sometimes you don't. But I guess I agree, that if you feel like there is no "in love" then it is time to go.

 

[Jen_in_NH]

DH and I probably said it at about 3 months. However, we had been friends for about 5 years before we started dating, so there was none of the getting to know you stuff.

That being said, I think it's a very individual thing. I don't know for sure when you know or not, you just feel sure of it. I think people that try to live on a timeline like that (must say I Love You by 3 months, must marry within a certain amount of time, etc.) are setting themselves up to miss a lot, and to have a lot of heartaches.

Just my thoughts

Jen