Thanks Amy, I threw that fudge out. Fudge isn't even something I like but lately it seems if its got calories, I'll eat it whether I like it or not!
This week was hectic like I know everyone else's was. It seems like Christmas just came up so suddenly after Thanksgiving.
We are going out tonight with friends for my birthday, I don't really intend to stress or worry over what I eat or drink. I mean, I know I won't do well, and I am not going to pretend I will!
Dan took yesterday off and we did some shopping, had lunch and enjoyed the day. I have really loved him having a few Friday's off lately, its been so nice.
So today, I am taking dd shopping to get something for ds and then I have to do the same for him. That is the last two things I need to do and I am so glad! I am tired of spending money.
And speaking of gifts we had some major miscommunication with ds aunt and cousin. I thought based on a conversation I had and one Dan had as well that they were only getting the kids gifts. I got them each a small box of candy from a local candy co. they love from the kids and that was it. Then yesterday this box arrives full of gifts for all of us. Dan called and long story short she swears she told us she was giving all of us something this last time. I can't see how that would have been what she said because I would have immediately said, "okay, lets all do this year and then next year not do gifts". I was just mortified. So, I got online tand ordered them stuff but it was going to be very expensive with the rush shipping and I just ended up cancelling it today. I don't see how Dan and I both could completely misunderstand this but in the end, I decided they did what they wanted and were comfortable with and we will do the same. She said don't worry about it, so I won't. But I intend to get this more clearly worked out for the future because its very embarrassing! Even though she said to not at all feel that way.
I took a gift by to a friend of mine on Thursday. I picked a time when I just KNEW she wouldn't be home. I love this friend but she has a thing about fat people. She loves to call people tubby, is very much keyed into how she looks and I know full well she just doens't get why I don't make more of an effort with my apearance. I drive up, house looks very empty of activity, so I hop up on the porch to leave the gift, and suddenly she is standing right behind me! She had opened her garage door to leave and saw my car and came around to see what I was doing. It was good to see her, but of course she was dressed perfectly, about to go out to dinner (she has loads of money so she dresses so nice, always) and she just looked me up and down and I could just tell I was being evaluated. I blabbed on about how I had been cleaning all day (hence my sweats) and then said I was going back to Weight Watchers soon. She told me "good". I guess I'll take her advice.
Ahh, I dream of the day I can just either be comfortable with who I am or get the weight off and look nice and feel good. I think my feelings about my weight cause me too look worse than the actual weight does. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror at Macy's and the first thing that popped into my mind was how unhappy I looked. I know women who weigh what I do and on them, it doesn't look as bad somehow. But they also seem to at least be enough okay with who they are to portray that and it shows.
So I treated myself to new sweater. Most of what I wear is dowdy to be honest, this is very pretty, a really rich, dark purple. And I opened up one of my presents from dh's aunt (I knew it was earrings and she always buys me the prettiest ones) and they were gorgeous and purple. Perfect for my new sweater. I also bought myself some new makeup and am getting my haircut today. And I colored it yesterday. I may not be a size 8, but I can at least make the most of what I am. I can wear it tonight to my birthday party and on Monday when I am having lunch with some friends from high school. If I feel better about myself, maybe I'll look better too.
Amy: I am trying very hard to find that piece of my puzzle. I do know that my eating problems began as a little girl shortly after my dad died and about the time my mom married my first stepdad. I know that as an 8 year old little girl, I used eating to cope with what was happening and clearly, I have not yet found out how to end that long standing cycle of overeating and guilt.