Amy's Journal: Comments Welcome!

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks Amy and Anna. I actually didn't go to the movie yesterday, my friend had invited Matthew to go too museum too, at first he didn't want to go but then changed his mind. So I got a day at home to myself and didn't have to see the latest and probably very dumb Adam Sandler movie! Today was about the same as yesterday. I spent most of the day on the computer, researching nursing homes for Alzheimers patients. This whole process with my mom is making me very depressed. I really have nobody to talk to, I have one friend who has a mom with Alz. but she and I rarely talk much and my other friends have no idea about this so I just trudge on. Missed my support group last week because Dan had to work late and the kids are too young to be left alone at night. In any case my mom is only 71 and I am just so sad that she is stricken with two, probably fatal diseases. She seems so much older than other people her age. Every time I think about the day I will ultimately have to take her to one of these places I envision her taking meto kindergarten my first day, holding my hand telling me she would be right there when I was done. Can't wait to drop her off at some moldy nursing home. So today I would do some stuff on that, get depressed and go over to disboards and read WDW trip reports to take my mind off the inevitable, then back to Alz. research. The kids sensed my mood and spent the whole day playing board games and getting along thank goodness. Also, I have mentioned before stress with hubby's job. He has really been through the ringer, working for a small start up company, taking pay cuts, working for free for four months, working long hours and now the company is being sold. It will probably be good but more unknown. His bosses, the current owners will remain on and I know they will look out for him but then again they are not in control so much anymore so more unknown on the horizon. No idea what will ultimately happen, just more stress to deal with.

Today with food, I grazed, only got a 30 minute walk in and ended up eating taco bell for dinner (two soft tacos and half order of small nachos with no sour cream and beans and a diet pepsi). Still struggling but feeling better than I did about my weight loss two days ago. Tomorrow is weigh in day at WW, I know I am up, probably at least 5 pounds but I need to go. Already told the kids they will be accompanying mom to her meeting! Thanks for the support all!

Oh and my company is not coming. I am sad, I had really looked forward to seeing my cousin and his wife (wife couldn't get vacation time after all) but in a way it might be better. Given our current finances (just back from vacation and broke) and my food woes, a weekend with company might put me over permananently.

 

[toystoryduo]

Oh Amy,

Sweetie, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that we are here for you. If you need to talk or to vent, we are here to listen.

You, your DH, your family, and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending you a PM......

 

[CACruisin']

Amy, I am sorry you had such a rough day. It was very difficult watching my Dgrandma slip away to Alz in her early 70's. She was "unlearning" things as my own children were learning them. It really is a horrible disease. I don't even want to think about my parents doing the same some day. At least now there are many more facilities designed around Alz patients. Are there any in your area? Can your support group give you some insight into some of the local facilities?

Maybe the sale will stabilize DH's job? At least his current boss will still be around.

Sorry your company isn't coming, but try and think of it as a time for relaxing and decompressing. Hopefully today will be a better day

 

[lovinaz]

I'm so sorry to hear you are down in the dumps! I am sure this is the toughest thing you've had to deal with and then to throw the stress of DH's job on top of that is just not fair! Hang in there, we are all here for you!

I agree with Anna about asking your support group about homes. And I'm sure you can find a non-moldy one you like! Why don't you talk to your friend that much anymore? Call her up, you guys can really lean on each other during this rough time.

Try to find some positive in each day and be sure to do something for YOU! Great job going to your meeting even if you think you gained. I would just think of excuses not to go...

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks so much guys. Amy, I don't talk to my friend so much anymore because she has a tendancy to criticize the way I handle my mom. I love her dearly but she and I see thing very differently. She tells me I spend too much time with my mom and kids, I see her 3 kids (all three of whom are spoiled rotten and constantly in trouble) and I just bite my tongue. So anyway, I need support, not somebody who grades me on my life! And the group has given me some suggestions about homes. The problem is that my parents have very little money. My stepdad is a retired minister and since my mom was widowed at 36 when my dad died and had three kids to raise on a secretarie's salary she didn't ever manage to put much aside for her own future. A really nice, first rate Alz. facility can be as much as $6,000 a month (She has an income of $1500). I need to find a place that takes medicaid and they aren't so nice. I think we will do as much home management as we can for as long as we can. Trying to figure out Medicare, Medicaid and everything else is really confusing! And my group that has about 5 people besides myself is comprised of people who have parents who have money so they are at a loss except to tell me we are going to have a tough time finding a nice place with our money. So thats the skinny on all of that.

I felt better today, a lot better. Your good thoughts helped! I went to WW, was up two pounds, which was actually okay with me. The meeting was good, I ate well and just felt better. I am tired because I was up until almost 3:00 a.m. (no more diet coke after 8:00 pm. for me) but I did feel a lot better. Dh's job will either work out or it won't. I am hoping the new larger company thats buying his current small one will add some much needed stability. If not, I keep telling him he will find something else. But I still worry too!

Food today:
Breakfast: Kashi with skim milk
Lunch: 8 triscuits with cheese spread, 2 tb crab salad, 1 cup watermelon, 1 poptart stick.
Snack: FF pudding
Dinner, 3 cups romaine and spinach greens with 3 oz. chicken, 1/4 cup 2% cheese and 3tb low fat ranch. First veggies I have had in over a week!
Snack: Skinny Cow
80 oz. of water and 24 oz. of herbal iced tea.
Thanks again for all your support, just ranting on WISH somehow kind of takes the burden off and makes me feel better. How did I ever get along without all of you great people? Oh yeah, I ate myself crazy to deal with my problems. This is way better!

 

[lovinaz]

Bummer about your friend! I agree, it doesn't sound helpful to talk to her if she is not supportive. You are in a tough situation right now, but I am sure everything will work out OK!

We are all here for you to vent. I bet that 2lbs will be gone next time you weigh in. I'm glad you are coming here instead of eating and being unhealthy!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Yesterday I spent the day cleaning and organizing my mom's house and getting passports for our upcoming cruise. What a day! It was nice to spend time with my parents but I came home dead tired and it was after 10:00, too late to exercise. I did not make my goal for June, I realize that for me now 1000 minutes is too much. Thats kind of embarrassing given that so many people exercise over 1500 minutes a month. I think I will set a goal for 800 for July and try to increase by 30 minutes a month after that. I did 800 for May and made that one. Yesterday some of what I ate (hard to remember after the fact):
Breakfast: protein shake
Lunch: Swanson's chicken pot pie (no idea why I ate that)
Dinner: One large piece of pepperoni pizza from Papa Murphy's, two pieces cheesy bread, one cup of sugar free, fat free ice cream.
Snack: half order of Wendy's large fry, 4 small hershey miniature bars, 1 oz mixed nuts, 2 oz, bbq potato chips.
My mom has a HUGE cache of junk food on hand at all times and I ended up snacking way too much in the 7 hours I was over there cleaning, visiting with her, making phone calls for her and organizing her stuff. I arrived hungry and it went from there. Oh well.

Today:
Breakfast: bowl of apple cinnamon cheerios
Lunch: Southbeach Diet meal
Snack: 6 triscuits, 3/4 oz. cheese, 2 teaspoons natural peanut butter.
64 0z. of water so far (its 3:42 p.m.). Friday nights are typically very tough for me, we have no dinner plans so we shall see how this goes.
Thanks for the support everyone!

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Amy,

Please don't feel bad about adjusting your exercise goals. Please just do the best that you can, okay? By the way... I definitely think that cleaning and organzing your mom's house counts as exercise.

You know that I am keeping your family in my prayers. If you don't mind me asking... is your DH is sales?

Have a great weekend, Amy!

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Amy,

How are you doing sweetie? We're trying to hold things together here.... still waiting.

I hope this finds you doing well. Take care!

 

[CACruisin']

Hi Amy. I hope you had a nice 4th and don't worry about the exercise challenge. I didn't even come close to mine either. I am thinking I might have a chance at 800 minutes for July, but even that may be a stretch. (I hate failing.)

The medicare/medicaid stuff is tough. They make it so hard to get anything done. But, keep looking. There are decent places. Do some personal visits when you find ones that take it. Even if the place doesn't have an opening, something may become available later. Originally DG had funds, but those were very quickly exhausted. The next place that we moved her to was very nice and friendly, but couldn't handle her when she became bedridden. The final 6 months were hard to watch. As I told my dad, this is grandma's body, her shell, but her soul, the essence of what was grandma, was gone already.

Feel free to vent here anytime, much better than mindless eating.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks Anna and Tracy! I am hanging in there. Anna, I am making it my top priority to tour and get ideas and have a "Top Three" list of places by this September when the kids are back in school after our cruise. I think some of the negative comments I have heard from my support group regarding Medicaid places I need to take with a grain of salt. I am sure they are not like the 6K a month places but then again, by the time my mom goes to one of these places she won't be stressing about room decor and location. I want a clean (as in VERY clean) place with a good staff. If she is treated right by good staff that is the most important thing. I would imagine the really expensive places don't have any better staff than the not so expensive ones. I doubt they put any of those monthly payments towards hiring the best!

I have been so busy since late last week. I had a big family bbq over the 4th plus went to a friends bbq over the weekend. Then we had friends from Texas over last night. I am sort of sick of special occasions, bbq's and just social gatherings in general. And the summer is only half over! I have two batches of back to back out of town company coming in August. Last night I got really sick, I think taking my migraine medicine on an empty stomach plus the stress of having my mom about to stay with me for five days (my stepdad is going to Oregon for his family reunion and she can't stay alone) just got to my stomach which has been acting up again. I started back up with the Pepcid routine today, hopefully it will clear up again. So I haven't been eating right, I haven't exercised and I haven't lost or gained anything in the past week. I have a little under two months before the cruise and I doubt I can lose the 23 pounds I need to lose to get to 50. I am throwing that number out the window and just hoping for 40. If I get back on track pronto I think maybe I could hit that. Every summer my life is like this. You'd think with warm weather, plenty of fresh fruits and veggies it wouldn't be that way! But then I also have to celebrate that I am down 27 pounds and even if I am in a rough spot, I am not gaining and totally bagging all my good habits.

Thanks for reading, if I can get through this thing with my mom for the next five days I feel like I can do anything!

Thanks for the support, I need to get back to daily journaling and tracking what I eat too!

 

[CACruisin']

Hang in there Amy. I hope your tummy is better. You do have a lot going on right now. I hear ya on summer and socializing and entertaining. Our last set of visitors leaves tomorrow. Although I have loved having everyone visit over the past month, I must admit to really looking forward to having the next three weeks just being us. We can really relax and have no plans except swim team practice.

I am so jealous of your upcoming cruise - only two months away! That will be such a wonderful vacation for your family. And you are down 27 lbs which is absolutely awesome! You can back on track and take of some more too. I know you can!

 

[toystoryduo]

Good morning Amy,

How are you doing? You, Dan, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

 

[lovinaz]

I agree with Anna (both about being jealous of your upcoming cruise AND that 27 lbs is an awesome accomplishment!)

How are things going with your mom staying with you? That's great that you are not gaining and even if you are not losing, it is OK right now. I know you will find a great place for your mom and everything will work out.

Hang in there!!!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you Anna, Amy and Tracy, you guys are so good to me. I am very sad today, our beloved 11 year old Dalmation Lacey had to be put down yesterday. Totally unexpected, we are just devastated. She was my daughter's best friend in all the world, Maria is just a mess as we all are. About three months ago she began to have these weird aggressive bouts. She would just start growling, snarling, she acted like she didn't know where she was or who we were. She even did this with my daughter. Then she would be fine. On Sunday however she was sitting near my mom and suddenly without warning she lunged at my mom and bit her on the face (mom is thankfully fine). Scared us all silly. I knew then we would likely have to put her down. She continued to be agressive, tried to bite me on Monday morning. We took her in, they had just done a full bloodwork and physical in May and the vet told us sadly we really needed to do this. I knew it was the right thing but it was hard. Dan and I stayed with her while they did it, I hope she knew we hated to have her go that way.

Oh and my car died which cost me $700 I totally did not have (what next is all I could say). So I cancelled mine and Dan's spa appts on the cruise. Hope my stupid minivan is appreciative! Thankfully we had some sort of thing we could do without to compensate. Oh well, once the thing with Lacey happened I stopped whining about the car woes.

My mom did pretty well here. It was hard though, the constant repeating of things, confusion and I had to watch her like a hawk. She almost fell down the stairs one night thinking she was walking into the bathroom, it was the basement. She also broke my remote, the tv was in Spanish but is now at least in English but the remote is dead! No wonder nothing in her house works. I am amazed she has not overdosed on something yet, I was constantly catching her taking meds she didn't need, I finally put her drugs on top of the frig. She also was hysterical about the dog which was the last thing my daughter needed. It was great having her here but it was great taking her home today too! She is also the world's biggest junk food junkie. Here is what she eats: Donuts, waffles, fried cheese, queso, taquitos, bologna, toast, anything sweet, diet coke. She refuses to eat anything healthy especially veggies! So I made what she liked and ate it all myself too. Given the stress of having her here plus the stress of Lacey and I was pretty much either eating, crying or wishing Dan would have me put to sleep along with the dog. Only exercised twice so I am at 60/800. Looks like I may be hard put to make July's challenge. I will really hate it if I fail two months in a row. Today is my 14th anniversary and I don't even feel like celebrating. My mom took me out to lunch (I had thrown out the junk since she was leaving, God forbid she eat the soup and salad I offered to make) so we went to Rosie's Diner where I consumed a Tuna Melt the size of my minivan. Oh well, tomorrow I think I may have a normal life again!

Sorry for the long winded rant. I am just reeling, I thought our 13 year old beagle was going to go first and he likely will soon (he's got all sorts of health issues). I never thought we'd lose Lacey and never thought it would happen like this, she was such a docile sweetheart. I am going to try to walk tonight. Maria started 4th grade yesterday and has quite a bit of homework so I need to help her with that. Thanks for reading, I need to also get caught up on journals. Amy, I hope vacation was fun, I'll get caughte up with ya tomorrow! Thanks friends for caring.

 

[lovinaz]

Hang in there Amy! What a rough time you are having. I am SO sorry to hear about your dog. And your minivan.

Don't worry about all the stress eating you did. You can get back on track starting today! I know it seems like the bad things will never stop coming, but believe me, they will taper off! I had a black cloud hanging over my head for a while (years ago), but eventually it went away. You can get through this!

We are all here for you, vent whenever you need it! Hopefully it makes you feel better.

 

[toystoryduo]

Come here and let me give you a great big , Amy. Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear about Lacey and the problems with the minivan. I'm sending you a PM....

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you Amy and Tracy. I am hanging in there today. I went to WW, I was up again. So now I am at 24 pounds instead of 27. Oh well, could be worse. I think that Tuna Melt was weighing heavy on my mind and the scale! I am beat, both kids were so upset last night, Matthew cried until about 1:00 a.m. He didn't want me to be with him, I guess at almost 12 he feels like if he does cry he wants to be alone when he does it! Maria cried herself to sleep in our bed which made for a crowded night. I finally put her on a palet. Amy, I think you are right, the bad stuff will subside, I guess things, good and bad, always happen in droves in life right? I just keep praying my little family weathers the storm and I can continue with my quest for good health. Today is the first day in over a week I have felt in control about my food. I am proud of myself for going to WW even though I knew I would be up on the scale. Tracy, thanks as always for your pm, it brightened my day. I will get caught up with journals tonight I promise!

Breakfast: Balance Bar
Lunch: 1 chicken breast, 2 cups romaine lettuce, 2 TB 2% cheese, 3Tb 1000 Island dressing.
Snack: small can of tuna and some crackers.
90 oz. of water so far, plus 12 oz. of sugar free lemonade.

Dinner: I am making some whole wheat pasta with garlic, lemon, shrimp and tomatoes. So I'll eat that and probably have some veggies.

I went to Sams and the grocery store today and really stocked up on good food. I still am laughing thinking about how much junk we ate over the weekend with my mom. I am amazed she has lived this long given her lousy diet! When I was growing up her usual breakfast was 3 or 4 Keebler Pecan Sandies and about 8 cups of coffee!

Thanks for the good wishes, I think we will just need some time to adjust to life without one of our doggy family members. The other two dogs are also sad! Maria gave Matthew's dog Shelby, Lacey's dog dishes that she had bought her at MK awhile back when we were at WDW. Watching her carefully wash them out and put them on the back porch for Shelby made me sad but it also made me realize we are lucky to still have two of our dogs. So life goes on, hope I can get back on track with my food and exercise!

 

[CACruisin']

Amy so very sorry about Lacey. It must have been heartbreaking to watch your DD set out the dog bowls for the other dog, but how very mature of her.

Wow, it is great you only gained 3 lbs with your mom there and her amazing junk food collection. Glad you are feeling back in control now. You are a good daughter.

Bummer on the minivan too. Just had 100k service on mine (ouch!). It wouldn't be so painful if I was spending $ to tune up a cute little convertible . , but alas I must drive a mom-mobile ...

Hang in there! You are do a turn of good fortune soon...

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you Anna. My minivan is at over 109,000 miles so I guess some occasional repair is to be expected. Still a bummer and the last thing we had the money to deal with. Yeah, I guess all things considered, 3 lbs. total isn't so bad considering a vacation, out of town company, my mom's visit, Lacey and probably some other stressful thing I have forgotten about. But we have been home for three weeks now, I just am amazed at how quickly time goes and how easy it is to keep putting off exercise and accountablity!

Dinner: Had the pasta, ate about a cup and half. I added some steamed spinache to the pasta. But I ate too much parmesan cheese. I also had one Coors Light Beer. Still a pretty good day and I do feel like I am back on track.

Exercise: 45 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes of weights. I will not miss my exercise goal again this month! So I am at 120/800, a long way to go but if I really get on it, I think I can do it.

Thanks everyone for all your support, it really makes a difference!