Am I wrong?

[ontariomonkey]

sorry i didn't read all the previous posts so hope this is not a repeat.

Every family has their own 'culture'. Apparently in their culture, it is perfectly acceptable to just pop in and expect hospitality. I think that you need to communicate honestly with them. Let them know that require a call before they come by. Let them know that you will enjoy the visits more when you are not caught off guard and can plan to have time allocated for a visit. HTH Blending families is hard!

 

[Gagirl69]

My in laws live next door. We usually have our front door open/only our storm door closed. We've been married 20 years. They usually knock, then we holler come on in. I used to think my house had to be spotless for my mil to come over but nah....after 20 years it doesn't bother me. They come and go over here and we come and go over there. No big deal.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

I think they should call first.

 

[Inigo]

Heck, there have been times I've not answered the door when people come by to visit without calling first.

My MIL has alzheimer's, and we were all (DH, his sister, his brother, and myself) taking turns staying with her in her house. Every single day that SIL or BIL were over there, they would bring her to our house to visit! We never got a break. Either one of us was over there (often both of us since we kinda like being together) or they were at our house. We were just about going nuts.

DH was stressed from all of it, but didn't want to say anything for the longest time. I felt that we deserved some time away from all of that. After all, SIL and BIL each had five days in a row without having to deal with all of this. We didn't get a single day.

I finally put my foot down, and we stopped answering the door every time they came over. We would invite them in some of the time, but not every single time. Sometimes we hid one of the cars so they might think we weren't at home, but we didn't do it every time. We don't have a garage, so we'd park the car out being our shed and hope my orchard would block the view of the car from the road. A few times we parked the car in the neighbor's field across the road so that the big round bales of hay would block the view of the car.

It was great when the kids went some place. When they'd tell us later that they came by, we'd say we all went someplace in DD or DS's car.

I realize why they did it. It was stressful being there with her, but good grief. We only live 10 miles from MIL's house, so it was easy for them to visit us. BIL and SIL live 72 and 48 miles away, so not as easy to just go visit every day. My MIL loves going for car rides to anywhere, so there were a few times we popped in on the others, just to try to give them a taste of what they were doing to us. We couldn't do it everyday though.

My other little secret is that I don't always answer the phone when it rings. (yeah, not only would they visit every day, they called every day. NOT TO TELL US THEY WERE ON THE WAY--usually right about dark, just to talk.) I figure I pay the bill, I choose when to use the phone. I love caller ID. For my cell phone, I just say I was busy with a client, and couldn't answer.

And yes, I would do the same thing to me family if they did these things. For the phone, I always screen calls. There are a few friends that call and ramble, and there are times I don't feel like having long conversations.

MIL is now in a nursing home, so we've got a bit of a break now.

I love my MIL, BIL, and SIL. I just needed a break, especially from the alzheimer's.

 

[NMAmy]

Yes, but what if they caught you NOT in your pajamas -- say stark naked in a moment of passion on the living-room floor? Would you be comfortable with that? More importantly, would your DH be OK with his MIL seeing him in the altogether?

I have a teenage dd with a very unpredictable schedule. I'd be more freaked out by her catching us since she actually lives in our house than my mom. Maybe I'll worry about the above scenario when she's off to college.

 

[livie1205]

I would NEVER ask my parents to call before stopping over....our friends just stop over also.I LOVE having my parents stop over, they are our PARENTS and would like to spend as much time with them as I can(they wont be here forever).My dad had a heart attack 4 yrs ago and we thought we had lost him,it was the worst day of my life.My kids LOVE their grandma and grandpa and anytime they want to stop by is fine with us.
We have a close friend that just stops by when he is out driving,its ok we dont mind he is like family.I could never say to people "call before you stop over" we are home most of the time and we do not think of them as a bother at any time.I always call before going to someone elses house but only because everyone does not feel the same.My parents (who live here in town) are welcome to stop by anytime and even spend the night if they wanted,I do not want to look back and think I wish I had spent more time with them.I am sure hat people who have lost parents wish that they had that chance.

 

[aprilgail2]

My parents live in town, stop by all of the time, and just walk in - I'd never expect family to ring the doorbell. DH's parents live an hour away, but have stopped by without calling, if they happened to be in the area - I'm always very happy to see them, and would never think not to ask them in.

We are talking about his PARENTS, right?
I cannot imagine calling my parents 10 mins away every time we come over or they come to our house. I also feel it is very rude to not invite them in, invited or not.
I guess we are just an open comfortable family. We have been caught in our pajamas before etc. but so what- they're my PARENTS.

I don't care who pops in - whatever I am doing can wait a bit while we visit with guests. I don't care if the house is not spotless- I like it when people just pop over and surprise me.

 

[clgwli]

I have had issues with family stopping by without calling in the past. The biggest issue is when they would walk in unannounced. Now I don't mind if they ring the doorbell because in that case we aren't surprised. And we have the option to ignore the doorbell. For a while though we had to lock the door to keep the people out.

I think if you do not want to spend time with them explain exactly why you cannot. I would have a sit down in any case and clear the water. We had to do that with my family.

Good luck

 

[MichelleVW]

We are talking about his PARENTS, right?
I cannot imagine calling my parents 10 mins away every time we come over or they come to our house. I also feel it is very rude to not invite them in, invited or not.
I guess we are just an open comfortable family. We have been caught in our pajamas before etc. but so what- they're my PARENTS.

Same here. I live almost 1000 miles from my mom so no popping in, but I am from a family where no one knocks on doors belonging to family. I mean, Parents, Aunts, Uncles, sisters, brothers etc. If you're in the neighborhood you stop by, I always thought that's what families did.

 

[mjkacmom]

IMHO, it is rude to just 'pop-in-, even with family.
Everybody has a right to some boundaries and privacy.
I am completely in agreement with the OP.

It is YOUR home.
While it might be nice to say that any relatives are always welcome... it just doesn't always work that way. When relatives feel that they have a RIGHT to come in your home at any time at their convenience... That is NOT right. it is well beyond rude... There are huge control and entitlement issues involved as well.

Also, I think there is a big difference between most parents having their child feel welcome, and a younger woman or man having their inlaws feel 'entitled'.

OP: this is a huge control battle.
It is all about 'control' and 'entitlement'.

I am speaking from experience, as a wife who had to set some serious boundaries, because I have had controlling and entitlement inlaws from he!!. You and your SO need to iron this out and set some common boundaries NOW. Any adult ought to be able to do this. If your SO can't respect your comfort zone and put you first and set some perfectly reasonable boundaries with his parents, then your issue is NOT his parents... It is not an 'inlaw' issue it is a 'relationship/marriage' issue.

Take these words to heart...

Tell your SO that he needs to step up and they need to be invited or call ahead whenever possible.

When you are there alone, or your SO is also not desiring their company ... keep your deadbolt locked, front blinds closed, etc... Be assured that you are NOT obligated to open the door and invite them in!!!!

It is YOUR home.
While it might be nice to say that any relatives are always welcome... it just doesn't always work that way. When relatives feel that they have a RIGHT to come in your home at any time at their convenience... That is NOT right. it is well beyond rude... There are huge control and entitlement issues involved as well.

I have to disagree - it's not about control, it's about what different people are comfortable with. I can't even imagine asking my parents to call first, or ring the doorbell, and they would be so upset if I ever rang theirs. My grandparents used to lived in town, and also had the open door policy. Even when we're having family over, or going to visit family, ringing the doorbell would be considered an insult. Obviously, this is how the OP's IL's operate, so it's up to the OP, or her DH, to let them know they have issues with dropping by.

 

[delilah]

My in-laws would do the same thing, and, yes, I think it is rude. They go a step beyond, however. We live in Indiana, and they live in Florida. They will not call ahead and let us know they are traveling our way until they get about 30 minutes or so from our house. Of course, they always want to stay overnight at our house. Free hotel room and breakfast, don't you know? But, we inadvertantly cured them of that habit. One weekend, we were in Columbus, Ohio at an OSU football game. Had a great time. We came home late Sunday to get the message on our answering machine that they would be arriving in about 30 minutes or so on Saturday afternoon. I wonder how long they stayed in our driveway waiting for us to arrive? They also left a message on my husband's cell phone. He never checks his messages. They haven't dropped in like that since.

Incidentally, their son and DIL live in Peoria, Illinois, and I guess they just continued on their way. We apologized, of course, for not being home. But, if you don't call ahead to check our plans, what can you expect.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

As soon as you hear her voice take off all of your clothes and greet her. Do this a few times and I can guarantee you that she will call first.

I was thinking the same thing.

I would NEVER ask my parents to call before stopping over....our friends just stop over also.I LOVE having my parents stop over, they are our PARENTS and would like to spend as much time with them as I can(they wont be here forever).My dad had a heart attack 4 yrs ago and we thought we had lost him,it was the worst day of my life.My kids LOVE their grandma and grandpa and anytime they want to stop by is fine with us.

We have a close friend that just stops by when he is out driving,its ok we dont mind he is like family.I could never say to people "call before you stop over" we are home most of the time and we do not think of them as a bother at any time.I always call before going to someone elses house but only because everyone does not feel the same.My parents (who live here in town) are welcome to stop by anytime and even spend the night if they wanted,I do not want to look back and think I wish I had spent more time with them.I am sure hat people who have lost parents wish that they had that chance.

Believe it or not, the people who expect a call prior to someone arriving at their house, really DO love their families too. It's not about the amount of time spent with them...it's about respecting someone else's wishes. My father died 11 years ago at 83, when my kids were 10, 8 and 5. That doesn't change that I'd expect them to give me a call before visiting, altho I actually always visited them (they came to our parties, or when we'd invite them for dinner); they lived 25 miles away, weren't into driving, and were really homebodies. And my kids absolutely adore(d) their grandparents too, and it was always a treat to go to their house...they had a different kind of neighborhood where Grandma took them for walks, different toys, and treats. And yes, I let them know I was coming, for their convenience as well as my own.

My ILs live 12 miles away...dropped in once. We were busy, and did our thing. We're almost always busy, and even if we're not, sometimes we're just "busy" not doing anything.

My mother is now 86 and in an Assisted Living Facility. I visit her every day (unless it just won't work, for some reason...and then I call her to let her know I'm NOT coming). I ALWAYS knock on her door before entering her room. To me, it's evidence of the small amount of privacy, dignity and independence she has left.

The ONE person who drops in who I don't mind is one of DH's friends. He lives about 250 miles away, but his parents lived near us (and are now deceased, so he's around to clean out their house). He stopped by last night. I don't care what my house looks like to him, or what I look like, and neither does he.

I have an adult daughter who just finished her Junior year in college. I'm fine with her, and all my children when they're older, coming home and walking in, but it's not always convenient for me to stay and be around; sometimes I'd miss her visit and wish I had known beforehand and could rearrange my (or her) plans.

 

[MoniqueU]

Doesn't anyone have neighbors that just pop over? Must we make an appt for everything? If it is parents, sisters etc and I know they are home I dont see the problem with popping in. I also don't mind being popped in on as long as no one is offended by my pjs or my house.

 

[MichelleVW]

Doesn't anyone have neighbors that just pop over? Must we make an appt for everything? If it is parents, sisters etc and I know they are home I dont see the problem with popping in. I also don't mind being popped in on as long as no one is offended by my pjs or my house.

That's pretty much how I feel about it!

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Doesn't anyone have neighbors that just pop over? Must we make an appt for everything? If it is parents, sisters etc and I know they are home I dont see the problem with popping in. I also don't mind being popped in on as long as no one is offended by my pjs or my house.

No neighbors drop over. We don't live in a typical neighborhood. We have a pond across the street, a line of woods behind us, and woods/bushes blocking either side. Works for me. Well, on one side...the most visible side...the guy will come over and talk to DH while he's working in the yard (like, stand there and watch DH stack wood); his wife was at my house once, for my DS's birthday party when he was about 6, and she followed me around (the only other adult at the party) while I did everything, never offering to lift a finger to help, while she complained about a mutual acquaintance. She has an AWFUL reputation in our town. So, yeah, I have no intention of promoting drop-in visits, or any relationship at all. Her IL's used to own the house...nice folks (older than us), and we'd visit out in the yards if we saw each other.

Nope, no appt necessary. A call saying someone plans to stop by, and if necessary an opportunity for me to say "No, this isn't a good time" is good.

The thing that really kind of irks me about this discussion is this...whatever one's situation is, if it works for everyone involved...yay! If someone else feels differently, so??? To throw in comments about how much one loves their family, relative to how little someone else much love theirs (if they don't want to be dropped in on???)...well, it just boggles my mind.

 

[Stitchfans]

My parents live in town, stop by all of the time, and just walk in - I'd never expect family to ring the doorbell. DH's parents live an hour away, but have stopped by without calling, if they happened to be in the area - I'm always very happy to see them, and would never think not to ask them in.

Same here.
When I was married to ex husband his parents lived 5 minutes from us. We often just popped in on them and visa versa. Didn't see anything wrong with it.
If I lived closer to my dad I would do the same with him, but since it is a long drive it would be a waste of time if he wasn't home.

I never ring the door bell when I go to my dad's or brother's and they don't with us. We all just walk in. Yes we also help ourselves at each other's homes too. I feel much more comfortable if someone feels they can help themselves at my home.

to each his own, I guess.

 

[mjkacmom]

The thing that really kind of irks me about this discussion is this...whatever one's situation is, if it works for everyone involved...yay! If someone else feels differently, so??? To throw in comments about how much one loves their family, relative to how little someone else much love theirs (if they don't want to be dropped in on???)...well, it just boggles my mind.

I think people are saying that in some families, it's not considered rude. The OP has not told her IL's that this bothers her, so if it's the norm in her IL's family to pop on in, they are not being rude. However, if she lets them know how she feels, and they continue to pop in, then it's rude.

 

[DisMomme]

This is a battle I have been fighting and losing for all the 16 years I have been married. It is beyond rude to just show up. Plus my inlaws just walk in my house which drives me nuts. Oh and you have to serve them they do not help themselves...rant over.

I agree it is rude. Don't know how to stop it though.

I also agree. I have been fighting this same battle. And they also just walk right in. Also, DMIL has food allergies and gets offended if we don't have food in the house she can have. If I knew they were coming I could have bought something. It's so aggrivating!

 

[OceanAnnie]

It's a case of differing expectations and lack of communication. Let them know what you would like and why and they shouldn't take offense. Sometimes it boils down to simply not being ready for company. If you phrase it something like, "I'd like to be ready to visit when you arrive.", I don't see how they could argue.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

It is rude. Both of my parents have 8 brothers and sisters and them and all of their kids live in this area. It drives me crazy when we're getting ready to leave (as we are very rarely ever just sitting around the house) and someone stops by unannounced and you spend 30 minutes politely saying "Well, we were just on our way out..." and them having to talk about "One more thing..." Next thing you know it's turned into an hour and your plans are changed just because someone doesn't think it's an inconvenience to just stop by. I don't mind seeing family but we have lots of activities and things we like to do. I would love to hang out and socialize but let's find a time we're both available.