Am I wrong?

[princess110607]

Hi girls! I'm having yet another yucky situation with my MIL and I need your advice. My DF called me yesterday to tell me that his mom wanted me to know that she bought me a gown for my "trousseau". First of all I had no idea what a trousseau was until this morning when I looked it up. I found out that it's a collections of personal things that a bride assembles for her honeymoon. I guess it's a term that was used back then? Or maybe not...but I've never heard of it before.

She started the conversation with him saying that I know Courtney has been putting things together for her trousseau (which by the way I haven't especially since I had no idea what that word was!) and I got her a gown. She used the term gown which is super scary to me b/c I'm a more modern girl...the cute comfy VS look, you know? So right off the bat I think it's going to be some lacey old fashioned gown. The conversation goes on. He tells his mom that he feels very uncomfortable with her buying that type of stuff. She goes on by sayign "oh guys don't understand". But my DF's thing is that he doesn't want to picture his mom while I'm wearing what she forced upon me!

I too feel very very uncomfortable with the situation. Not just b/c she's getting me lingerie...but b/c she basically is forcing me to have it. It would be one thing if she didn't say anything to me and just gave it to me as a gift for the shower, but she told DF to tell me what she got! Why? Ugh....

This all started on V-day. She bought me some babydoll lingerie...with thongs! I couldn't believe it! That went right to goodwill! Then for easter she got me tanktops (not bad) but said "put this away for your honeymoon". I'm sorry but I feel like she is way too freakish about this stuff! I feel like she is invading my space way too much. She has shown recently that she wants to be in control of every aspect of the wedding...but this is one thing I feel that I should put my foot down.

What would you guys do in this situation? I have an email all typed out to send her. This isn't the only thing that she has done that has put me in an uncomfortable situation. I feel like I'm constantly upset with her actions.

I'm not normally a mean person. I like to think I'm kind & sweet. But lately I've turned into a whole different person b/c I find it hard to handle the stress that she gives me.

 

[orangetiggs]

I would not feel right either!! I'm not a kind of person that telles everyone about that sort of thing and I even got embarressed when I went into a shop with my own mum looking at underwear to wear under my dress!

 

[Lynn5700]

Well if you feel uncomfortable then say something about it.Tell her you appreciate the gesture but you feel wierd.

I don't think it's that bad,I wouldn't feel grossed out we would just laugh about it and if it was cute then I would wear it lol( I don't know about the gown though lol) It sounds like shes just trying to be nice,I don't see why she would want to control what you wear on your honeymoon unless she really is a freak. Does she have any other daughters? Maybe she feels like you are like the daughter she never had and enjoys buying things like that for you.

Your not being mean,just tell her how you feel.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

To be honest I would just tell her that you have a different style of clothes/underwear to her and that you have actually already bought all the things you need for your honeymoon. If she still insists on giving these things to you, I would try and take the things back for an exchange or refund, tell her they don't fit etc. She will soon get fed up if you keep saying it's not your style. The other thing is, if she doesn't listen to you, just don't wear them. I would obviously try the first tactic first, but there is always the second option. I have done that many times before so as not to hurt peoples feelings.

 

[Stucas]

if she doesn't get the hint with "its not my style" or "it doesnt fit" then simply don't wear them. She never has to know. (assuming she doesnt want photos of you wearing them )


-Lauren

 

[princess110607]

Thanks girls for your thoughts! I guess it really depends on the relationship that you have with your MIL and your own personality. I've been married before...I've been given lingerie. It's just the way my MIL is presenting it to me that makes me upset and gets me uncomfortable. Lingerie has come up in 3 conversations in the past month. That's just weird to me.

My FMIL means well...but i think i figured it out. I think she just has a bad way of presenting things. She could have just bought the gown...and then I could have said it's not my style. BUT she told DF to tell me and to me that's just intruding and forcing something on me. Then there is my flowers. I have told her twice that I am making my own flowers. DF just told me that she asked again when I was going to go with her to pick out my flowers at the local flower shop. Yes...nice gesture...but I've told her I was making them 2x and again forcing where and when I should get them.

DF and I have decided that we need to let things roll when it comes to her. Just laugh it off and rolll through it

 

[pooh98378]

DF and I are getting married right after Christmas this year. Last Christmas, FMIL kept on saying how she was going to get me stuff from Victoria's Secret for this upcoming Christmas right before the wedding.

The thought of that really grossed me out too. I think what I'm going to do is just not wear any of it -- I'll give it to someone else or something. I have the same feeling as you -- it's gross wearing lingerie that your FMIL gave you! I don't understand why they don't realize that. Of course, if you want to mention something to her and she still gets it for you anyway, then that would be her waste of money...

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

well this is what I have to add

It sounds like shes "overly" excited about all this and wants to be involved as much as possible. Or maybe its cause she has no daughters to spoil & she has always wanted to

If i were you, I just put on the "thank you" face & make her happy...but that doesnt mean you have to wear or like anything,,,,,its just to put a smile on her face.
If she ever asks or you can casually slip it in conversation, let her know things you like....like if you get a VS catalog...show her something you really like & bring it up to her like, "check this out, isnt it cute. I would love that" kinda hint hint.

Mom, MILs, cousins, friends,etc,,,,,all mean well

I hope things work out

 

[Alesia]

well this is what I have to add

It sounds like shes "overly" excited about all this and wants to be involved as much as possible. Or maybe its cause she has no daughters to spoil & she has always wanted to

If i were you, I just put on the "thank you" face & make her happy...but that doesnt mean you have to wear or like anything,,,,,its just to put a smile on her face.
If she ever asks or you can casually slip it in conversation, let her know things you like....like if you get a VS catalog...show her something you really like & bring it up to her like, "check this out, isnt it cute. I would love that" kinda hint hint.

Mom, MILs, cousins, friends,etc,,,,,all mean well

I hope things work out

I completely agree. You have to learn to pick your battles.

 

[Lynn5700]

if she doesn't get the hint with "its not my style" or "it doesnt fit" then simply don't wear them. She never has to know. (assuming she doesnt want photos of you wearing them )


-Lauren

That's funny!

 

[Lynn5700]

well this is what I have to add

It sounds like shes "overly" excited about all this and wants to be involved as much as possible. Or maybe its cause she has no daughters to spoil & she has always wanted to

If i were you, I just put on the "thank you" face & make her happy...but that doesnt mean you have to wear or like anything,,,,,its just to put a smile on her face.
If she ever asks or you can casually slip it in conversation, let her know things you like....like if you get a VS catalog...show her something you really like & bring it up to her like, "check this out, isnt it cute. I would love that" kinda hint hint.

Mom, MILs, cousins, friends,etc,,,,,all mean well

I hope things work out

Yeah I agree, Does she have any daughters?

 

[princess110607]

no she doesn't. he's the ONLY child. which yes makes it worse.

i understand what everyone is saying. just smile and say thank you. the thing is im tired of smiling. she never listens to what we say! we could tell her we wanted a blue box and she get us a red one.

not only is it akward for me to get lingerie from her...the BIG thing is i she trys to control every aspect of our wedding. from the at home reception to the shower, to the flowers, to what song we should dance too (not joking)! it offends me. there's only so much i can take and then im not my nice self.

 

[wendy46001]

no she doesn't. he's the ONLY child. which yes makes it worse.

i understand what everyone is saying. just smile and say thank you. the thing is im tired of smiling. she never listens to what we say! we could tell her we wanted a blue box and she get us a red one.

not only is it akward for me to get lingerie from her...the BIG thing is i she trys to control every aspect of our wedding. from the at home reception to the shower, to the flowers, to what song we should dance too (not joking)! it offends me. there's only so much i can take and then im not my nice self.

for you....she sounds just like my mother....DH had a very hard time with the smile and say thank you...I dont know if it will help but kind of put it to him like this...

for some strange reason she is happy when she is telling us how things should be...(mind you this is everything from how to boil water to were the plates go in the cabinets)...she thinks she is giving us some great insight to life....and while it make him uncomfortable (yes my mother has bought DH underwear ) she has no malice in her heart...

She wants to be involved and her advice "demands" can sound rude...like she is shooting down everyone of ours….but they should be taken as suggestions...we are under no obligation to move the plates or wear what she buys...

I've tried all my life to change her...to tell her please don’t buy me stuff...thank you but...and its never worked....it took me almost 30 years to be able to say its just the way she is....and I totally understand it might take DH 30years as well…

so good luck…and know that Good Will always likes what your MIL buys

 

[princess110607]

:so good luck…and know that Good Will always likes what your MIL buys

LOL...yes this is true. Thank goodness for good will!

Thanks so much for your input. It's good to know that there are others out there that is in our situation! Your right...it doesn't matter what I do...whether I send that email or not...she won't change. It's who she is. I just need to understand that and not let what she does or says bother me so much.

 

[maraki527]

My mother in law was the same way except that she just bought things for ourhouse that we did not want or even register for. Now that I think about it it was stupid for me to get upset (I never did say anything about it though) just thank her for the gift and if you dont want to wear it dont.

She also had this small problem of wanting to make everything for a wedding of 700 people at home. Every little detail she wanted to make. My mother had to finally tell her that it was her third daughter getting married and that it saves time to just get a vender. All I told my DH was I feel sorry for my SIL when she gets married.

As far as the other things, blow it off. It is your day and you should be happ y and everything should be the way you want. Just remember that after the wedding it will only be the two of you. Good Luck with everything.

 

[Skylarr29]

I haven't read everyone else's responses but I don't think you should say anything. If you don't like it don't wear it. Is it worth having a terrible relationship with your MIL forever? It is a gift. I say be gracious and accept it. It could be much worse than that. I do see how your fiance wouldn't want to see you wearing something she bought on you etc. so save it for another time or donate it as well. Maybe she is just old fashioned and she thinks she is doing something nice.

 

[princess110607]

I haven't read everyone else's responses but I don't think you should say anything. If you don't like it don't wear it. Is it worth having a terrible relationship with your MIL forever? It is a gift. I say be gracious and accept it. It could be much worse than that. I do see how your fiance wouldn't want to see you wearing something she bought on you etc. so save it for another time or donate it as well. Maybe she is just old fashioned and she thinks she is doing something nice.

I agree that she is old fashioned at times and yes in most cases she means well. I guess I need to separate how I feel about this situation from the other situations I am in with her right now.

I think what I am going to do is if it comes up...tell her that I thought my DF had already talked to her about it, a gown is not my style, and that I already have stuff for the honeymoon. If she gives it to me anyways...well then it will go to goodwill.

She's just really hurt my feelings and caused a lot of stress during this whole planning. One thing that sticks in my head is she kept demanding that she order the invites for the at home party. I love to scrapbook and I love making things like that. She just didn't want to hear it. So it's not just the above issue....I just feel like she is taking my day away from me and trying to make it like hers was years ago.

 

[SRUAlmn]

Are you sure we aren't engaged to the same guy? My DF's mother is the SAME way!!!! I am a VERY independent person and she keeps telling me what to do and what to wear and how to do my hair and AHHHHHHH! I would be totally freaked out by this too. Mine is throwing me a shower (which I really don't want her to do) and I could totally see her pulling something like this. Even at a shower, it's freaky!

 

[mermaidbride1108]

I know MIL buy lingerie when they want grandchildren

No matter what the lingerie issue - I think you should speak to her, you seem upset over this quite a bit and it seems like you might want to avoid exploding at her. SPeak to her and be firm but sweet as possible.

Then you may have to take the smile and thank you approach but at least you got it off your chest in the first place...