Am I too sensitive about this?

[Yeahmetoo]

x

 

[stephgles]

No you arent too sensitive about it. I had similar experiences in the past but not as much as having off, as it was leaving earlier to get my dd. We had a share of arguments about it but his execuse was that I am only an hour or so behind him and that time would not make a difference to dd. I can see his point but the whole reason why was cause he rather golf and that is what got me more upset than anything else.

 

[Poohbug]

I understand both sides. It is nice to have some free time for yourself. Of course you also want your baby to be with family as much as possible.

That being said-spouse does not deserve more free time than you do. You need to discuss and work out a plan for what free days spouse gets and what days spouse will take care of baby.

And you have to make sure you get some me time too. You have to take it because no one is going to give it to you. It will make you a better parent and a better spouse.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I'd be ticked off at Spouse, too, so I don't think you're being overly sensitive.

I think you should inquire with Spouse as to why s/he would expect you to keep the baby home (or pick the baby up early), when s/he doesn't do it. That alone would make me furious. That aside, I do agree with you that having your child at home with a parent is better than having them at a daycare, when it's possible.

I know that daycare is expensive, and you still paying for the child's usual hours even if s/he isn't there - maybe Spouse is just trying to 'get your money's worth'? Though if that's the case, it should work both ways - meaning Spouse shouldn't be expecting you to get the baby until the daycare shift is over, either.

 

[licountrygirl]

What does your spouse do on those days they have off? Is it just "me" time? I think if it's at all avoidable to be in day care, the baby should be with his/her family. Being a parent is a huge responsibility that it doesn't seem this spouse really gets. I could maybe understand if the spouse needs a day or two to get something done around the house or some kind of chore to do, then maybe an afternoon here and there in day care isn't horrible (I still wouldn't do it) but if it's just so that this spouse doesn't want the job of caring for baby - no way.

I feel for all the families who have no choice but to leave their baby in day care so they can support their families, it must be a very difficult thing to do. But to use day care just to get time to themselves every week? Nah. Like I said before, if it's for a good reason - like they NEED to get something done and can't with the baby around, then MAYBE. As a regular routine? Shame on them.

Remember people, OP asked for opinions and this was just mine - no flaming!

 

[happymommy]

I think you should talk this over with your spouse.

I can't imagine leaving a baby or child in daycare unless you have to. But I'm a SAHM, and so didn't really use daycare. I did used to get a sitter for 4 hours every Friday afternoon when they were preschool age, as I felt I needed a little time to run errands and whatnot alone - it did help me get a break. I had a hard time spending the money (she was $10 an hour, and that $40 was a lot for me back then) but I felt it helped my sanity. That was because I was with them so much, though.

I'd talk it and and hear the other side of the story. Try to avoid being emotional, and just stay calm. Let your spouse know how you feel, and definitely listen to the other side. Maybe you can work out a compromise.

Good luck!

 

[kismet1003]

I'm not a parent, so I'm not really qualified to answer your question but just wanted to tell you I don't think you are overreacting at all. My husband works with a police officer who will have 2-3 days off during the week and those days off he stills puts his daughter in daycare and I have always thought it was so terrible. Mainly because I think the child should only be in daycare when absolutely needed but also because it's unfair to have her in daycare b/c he wants free time. You have a child, its not really an option!!! His wife doesn't get 'free time', so I'm not sure why it's fair he does.
Again, I don't have kids, so I really should have no say I will say that when they are older, it's good they have interaction with other children at daycare and places like that, when they are little, I don't find it necessary at all to be put in daycare if it's not needed.

 

[lunalibre]

You are NOT being too dramatic! I would absolutely be upset. Is your DH afraid of his own child???

Maybe my DH is an exception, but that would not have happened at our house. Now, I'm not saying our kids *never* ended up in day care while I was working and he wasn't. If he had a doctor's appointment, or a full list of errands, or a home improvement project going on, then yes, the kid(s) may have spent time in day care on that particular day. However, it was almost never the whole time. Maybe the baby got dropped off in the morning, errands run, baby got picked up. However, if my DH had had "free" afternoons all summer, at least half the time (likely more) the kid(s) would have been picked up.

DH typically has had more vacation that I do. Our kids are older now (8 and 11), but DH took three days off the week of Thanksgiving last year to hang out with the kids.

I think you should have a heart-to-heart talk. Maybe he just doesn't know how to play with the baby? You don't say how old your little one is. Some men just can't connect until the baby can smile, crawl, or something. He's missing out on precious bonding time that he may wish he had back someday.

Maybe your DH needs some time out. Yeah, I know, we Moms hardly ever get it, but maybe he sees that as his "guy time." He may need to find other "guy time" one evening a week -- go play softball, bowling, whatever.

You are NOT overreacting. Your DH doesn't necessarily need to spend every minute off of work with the baby (though again, we moms are expected to), but he should be spending a lot more of them with his child than he is. He's a FATHER now, and that entails extra responsibility.

Good luck.

 

[LadyShea]

You are not too sensitive, and unfortunately you are not alone. I believe both parents should spend as much time with babies as possible. They are only little for a short time!


My friend took a PT job to cover her own expenses for hobbies/interests, but her DH would hire a babysitter for their toddler the hours she worked, even though he was off at those times. Everything she brought in went out to sitters so DH could golf or laze around! She finally quit, but I would have been irate if my DH did that!

 

[slo]

Without knowing what your DH does on his day off, it's hard for me to say if you are being to overdramatic or not.

When my kids were babies, and my DH would have a dayoff, he wouldn't be with them (they would be in daycare) because he was getting an amazing amount of stuff done around the house. These were chores that couldn't be done successfully if a little one was around. So I understood, and even supported, why the girls should still go to daycare.

I would have a nice talk about this with your DH, perhaps over a glass a wine, so it's a relaxing atmosphere. He may have his reasons, that you don't know about. Good luck, and I hope it all works out!!

 

[Miss LD]

I don't think you're being over-dramatic, but ... I'll be the first to admit that when I'm working (on on mat leave) and DS was in daycare I didn't always pull him out if I left early or had a day off.
Don't get me wrong, I love being with him and often take him out when I have a day off, but there are some days that I left him in to have some me time. My reasoning being that I'm a better parent when I get a breather.
Now, having said that, DH and I are pretty much on the same page about it.
But, I can see why you'd be annoyed.

 

[Emma's Mom 03]

When Em was younger this is how I felt too. But the reality of it was that she was a very difficult baby/child and having some time off from her was needed some of the time. Now that she is older (5) I will usually let her choose as many times she would prefer to be with her friends.

 

[cwojchik]

I have to say it is really refreshing to see these responses. I have too often heard from both friends and family using the excuse of that the child needs to keep in the routine. I am the first to advocate a routine but I can not believe a routine should trump spending time with a mom or dad unless the mom or dad are unable to adequately care for the child. I hope I don't get heat for this but do people think becoming a parent is a part-time job??? Would someone ever decide to tell their boss that they are going to take a half day each week for "personal time?" Would they have that job for long? I get that everyone needs time for the themselves but I think it should be arranged with the other parent's schedule, if possible and obviously time as a couple is needed but when you combine this with "me time" let's make sure the child isn't losing out in the end. They are only truly dependent on us for such a short time. I think a few years of less me-time is a far less sacrifice than what the child is having to sacrifice - having to be away from their home for 8-10 hours a day for every day instead being home, being a kid and enjoying their siblings and parents.

 

[NotUrsula]

The other spouse is the child's parent, too, and has equal say in how the baby should be taken care of. If the daycare costs the same regardless (and is quality care, naturally), I don't have any issue with it at all. It's an individual choice, and I don't make moral judgements about who is taking care of a child at any given moment as long as that person is competent and the environment is safe.

Just *who* exactly would insist that you keep baby out of daycare on your day off? Your spouse, or some nebulous "they" that you think might be judging you? FWIW, I'm female, and I send the baby to daycare on my off days all the time. I get a lot more done around the house when she isn't underfoot, or sometimes I choose to do things with her older sibling that are not appropriate for her.

 

[richmond282]

I agree with PPs that you need to talk to hubby about this in a non-emotional, non-confrontational way. Maybe he doesn't realize it upsets you. (You know how men are...)

This would not happen at my house. My hubby is wonderful w/ our DD. We take turns staying home from work if she is sick. Because of the odd hours my job requires, he has to watch her alot even after daycare hours.

Maybe you guys could reach a compromise. He picks her up one day and leaves her one day? That gives him "alone" time and "baby bonding" time. It should definitely work both ways, though.

 

[moredisneyplease]

I have a few questions too.......besides what DH does on his time off. Mainly, is this your first child?

I have a 3 1/2 year old and an 8 month old and honestly, when my husband first became a father he didnt "get it". He most certainly would have NOT picked up our baby from daycare if he were your husband, yet i know that I/mommy sure would have. My husband pulled these kinds of shenanigans until I spoke with him and what he had to say was "I just want my quiet relaxation time" to which I explained that with kids those times are pretty much over. I told him that if he still wanted to live a relaxed bachelor life then he shouldnt have 1) gotten married or 2) had children.

Things have certainly changed over the years for the better and now him and the 3 year old are the best buddies ever...... but that real bonding didnt start until kiddo #1 was about 17 months old.

You really do need to figure out why he's doing this and address it from there. Perhaps he just doesnt "get it" like my husband didnt. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to talk further! I know some of my best guidance over the years has been from other mommies. We're a large team with lots of advice!

 

[blkhwks55]

I am a father, and work construction. I am off during the winter months and have 2 dd (1 and 3) who I watch w/o question. My wife is a nurse and works weekends, so I watch the girls on the weekends so we don't have to spend the extra money for daycare/sitter. I have a lot of friends that do exactly what you say, on rain dates that we are called off of work. I ask them all the time, why did you have kids if you don't want to be with them. None of them ever have an answer. Just my 2 cents.

 

[puffkin]

I send my son to daycare all the time when I have off......so not knowing your situation exactly it is hard to know if you are over reacting.

I am a big believer in the routine thing, and unlike a prior poster, it is a valid arguement. Why do you think so many daycares don't want part time kids.....they disrupt the other kids because they throw off the routines. My babysitter hates the days after long weekends and holidays because the kids are all thrown off. She also discourages parents from not bringing them on days like the OP is describing....even if it is just for a little while.

What I do on days off is to get up and leisurely get ready (unless I would have a specific appointment or something to go to) and drop him off a little late.....then I pick him up early, usually right after nap/snack time. That way he is still pretty much in his routine and I have some alone time. I still get an extra 3 hours or so with him and I am much more relaxed because I am usually caught up on all my chores/errands and can just play with him then.

 

[tripplanner]

I don't think you are being overly sensitive. When the kids were in daycare, we always kept the kids with us if we had a day off and picked them up early if we got off early.

 

[mjkacmom]

Maybe it's because I've been a SAHM for 12 years, but it wouldn't occur to me not to put the baby in daycare on my day off. I figure that since I work fulltime, it would be nice to have a day to get a lot of stuff done.