Am I too sensitive about this?

[Nie0214]

I'm not a parent myself, but wanted to share a little story along the same topic:

I was with my mom while she was getting her first tattoo a few weeks ago (from a guy that tattoo'd me). The guy is super genuine and has two little kids. He works 4 days a week so he can be with his kids the other 3 days. He said he hears parents come in for their tattoos all the time and say things like "Yeah I left the kids at daycare so I could have a day to myself" etc. He said he hates it and think it's awful that they don't want to spend time with their kids on their day off.

Anyway, I don't think you're being irrational. Talking to your kids / spending time with them is what makes them grow up to be great adults. Too many times while I'm out at the store or something I see completely rude children who are ignored by their parents. You can tell which kids grow up in a home with TLC and which didn't.

 

[Camno's Mama]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I don't really understand why anyone sends their child to day care when they're just hanging out at home. I can understand if there are special plans or if the parent is getting ready for a big event at their home or something, but not "just because". I think that the whole parental "me time" thing is kind of a crock. When we chose to become parents, we chose to let go of that for a while. JMHO.

Not that I don't look forward to the return of said "me" time again someday...

 

[FayeW]

OP, your first mistake was letting your spouse get away with this all summer! The first time it happened I would have asked why the baby was left in daycare and made it clear that daycare was for times when we were both working. An occasional half-day to run errands or have a little down time, sure, but on an on going basis???? No way.

 

[eliza61]

I understand both sides. It is nice to have some free time for yourself. Of course you also want your baby to be with family as much as possible.

That being said-spouse does not deserve more free time than you do. You need to discuss and work out a plan for what free days spouse gets and what days spouse will take care of baby.

And you have to make sure you get some me time too. You have to take it because no one is going to give it to you. It will make you a better parent and a better spouse.

Thank you, thank you, thank You
Me too!! Even now I will take a vacation day and not tell anyone simply to have a day by myself.

I would not get mad at dh for not taking the baby, but I would definitely make sure I get some mommy alone time in.
Where does it say that moms don't need a day off?
I'm the maverick of the family childrearing is hard work especially if you throw in a working mom. Honey, just because a mom need a downer does not make anyone a bad parent.

I tell my dh all the time, if momma ain't happy, nobodies happy.

 

[Kristineamb]

I have one child DS 10yo and I totally understand how you feel. He was only in daycare a year (I was able to quit my job and become a SAHM!) but if anyone in my family (my parents, brother, sister etc) had a day off while he was at daycare I wanted them to keep him for the day!
Good luck!

 

[PrincessTiffany]

OP, your first mistake was letting your spouse get away with this all summer! The first time it happened I would have asked why the baby was left in daycare and made it clear that daycare was for times when we were both working. An occasional half-day to run errands or have a little down time, sure, but on an on going basis???? No way.

I agree, Fay. I think OP needs to address this with her spouse now.

 

[mom2aredhead]

Without knowing what your DH does on his day off, it's hard for me to say if you are being to overdramatic or not.

When my kids were babies, and my DH would have a dayoff, he wouldn't be with them (they would be in daycare) because he was getting an amazing amount of stuff done around the house. These were chores that couldn't be done successfully if a little one was around. So I understood, and even supported, why the girls should still go to daycare.

I agree. I've sent my son to daycare on days I had off and used that time to clean out closets, paint the family room, set up for a yard sale...the list goes on. I was recently laid off from my job and I still sent him to camp a few days a week - mostly because he's an only child and I want him to be around other kids more often than he would be hanging out with me 24/7. And it was amazing the things I was able to get done all by myself for a few hours, knowing he was happily swimming, dancing and playing with his friends.

 

[heatherleigh]

Umm, no not at all. You are being a normal parent. It is natural for you to want her to be in daycare the minimum amount of time. I think it would be great for her to spend alone time w/ her dad too. Not to mention, it will save you a couple bucks. It's a win-win situation for her dad to keep her home w/ him on his days off. Besides that, she those will be extra days she won't be exposed to any potential illness.

 

[Krissy Marissy]

I have a few questions too.......besides what DH does on his time off. Mainly, is this your first child?

I have a 3 1/2 year old and an 8 month old and honestly, when my husband first became a father he didnt "get it". He most certainly would have NOT picked up our baby from daycare if he were your husband, yet i know that I/mommy sure would have. My husband pulled these kinds of shenanigans until I spoke with him and what he had to say was "I just want my quiet relaxation time" to which I explained that with kids those times are pretty much over. I told him that if he still wanted to live a relaxed bachelor life then he shouldnt have 1) gotten married or 2) had children.

Things have certainly changed over the years for the better and now him and the 3 year old are the best buddies ever...... but that real bonding didnt start until kiddo #1 was about 17 months old.

You really do need to figure out why he's doing this and address it from there. Perhaps he just doesnt "get it" like my husband didnt. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to talk further! I know some of my best guidance over the years has been from other mommies. We're a large team with lots of advice!

I agree 100%! My husband was the same way! It was so frustrating in those early months...he would seriously go an entire week without even changing a single diaper! Finally I spoke up and he admitted that he didn't know anything about babies and was afraid to do it so he just let me. Well I made him start and once he got the hang of it he was great. And now my son is nearly 18 months and he is much much better about helping out with baby. We also have a newborn baby girl and he helps out with her too. So talk to DH, give him a chance and find out what is going on. Let him know what your expectations are and find a good compromise. Good luck!

 

[GJM]

I am curious what is your DH doing on his days off? Is he doing projects on the house or just sitting around watching TV?

I have left DS in daycare if I had a day off. But it was to get a ton of things done, I would drop him off later and pick him up earlier. He is also an only child and he loved being with the kids, as he got older he wanted to stay longer sometimes.

It is true about routine, when the kids had days off from daycare, it was hard when they all went back to get into the rountine again.

 

[ajh88]

I'll admit I've only skimmed the responses.

I don't think you're being over-dramatic for *wanting* your spouse to have some bonding time with the baby when spouse is off work. However, spouse may not even realize it bothers you that they aren't doing it, so I would suggest broaching the subject in a non-confrontational manner. Maybe even just making the suggestion of "Hey, you're off early on Friday, maybe you can pick up baby early & go to the park because the weather is so nice" - or whatever, kwim?

My DH & I have always been DDs primary caregivers - one or the other of us, and we feel fortunate for this. My sister and her husband have their kids in daycare because they have to - however, my BIL is a teacher & even on his days off, kids go to daycare. I think it doesn't even occur to him to keep them home with him because it is not a comfortable role for him to play - he does it on occasion, but not often (being the only parent home with 2 kids I mean). It's also a situation where they pay the daycare no matter what - so I think they figure if they're paying for it anyway, then the kids are going.

Finally, maybe spouse is freaked out by idea of being alone and solely responsible for baby - I assumed this is your first child. I could be totally wrong, but I was scared to take care of my DD by myself when she was first born - it took awhile to get used to it.

Sorry - this turned out to be way long. Good luck!

 

[bumbershoot]

Neither hubby or I would even *think* of paying for daycare or babysitting if we regularly had half days or extra full days off. We just wouldn't do it!


I find it interesting that many people are assuming the OP is female and the spouse is her DH...

 

[patsal]

I can see this from both sides and personally I never left my children in daycare for one minute more than they needed to be, but that is just me. I had my children because I wanted them and I wanted to be around them as much as I could be. I have the lighter schedule and am home all summer with them and they were only in daycre for one hour in the morning and one in the afternoon once they started school. DD was in a preschool/daycare for two years befoe she was old enough to go to school. If I had a day off that did not equal a day off on the school calander I would take her in for the pre k part of the day and then pick her up but that was so she didn't miss out on the structured part of the day.
Now if that day off still has to be paid for then I can see why people would want to keep a child in daycare for a bit of the day and get some work around the house or errunds done. Afterall we do get things done much more quickly when we do not have to keep pulling a child in and out of a car seat. All that freed up time will allow us to spring baby earlier and without housework that time with baby is really quality time spent enjoying one another.
However, if I had a DH who thought he could have all of his freetime to himself with none of the resposibility of children then I'd relieve him of his responsibiliy of us altogether! Yeah I am harsh
I will never understand why when men take care of their children it is considered babysitting and we are all supposed to be so very impressed and when women take care of their children it is just expected. I once made the comment, well if I can keep the house clean, cook for everyone, drag everyone to every appointment and be sure the kids get to all of their afterschool activities then I can get to go to work too. Lucky me! Once I said that to DH he really started to step up more and helped with the evening activities after he got home from work. What a relief it was to know I could get some stuff done around the house and he would do a quick dropoff at 7 and pick up at 9--all he said was why didn't you ask sooner! So talk to your spouse he may not even know you are feeling this way.

 

[brockash]

No, you're not being overly sensitive about it, but I must say my DH has done/ probably still does (he's been in Iraq for over a year, and it's been like that every other year for ther last 6 years) but when he is home or before he would always leave our son in daycare too, and I never did if I was not at work. I dont know I guess I got over it for 2 reasons, and one's much bigger than the other, but first I've learned that I can't control other ppl. and he's going to have to decide what kind of relationship he wants with his kids, and 2 in all honesty i kinda feel like if he doesn't even think to get them from daycare, then he must really not WANT to spend time with them, and while I don't like them in daycare, I think it would be better than if they were neglected while at home with their dad by themselves, so I've just let it go, because at least I know they're being taken care of at daycare. I know that probably came off harsh, but I know it's probably more of a me issue, because I tend to worry anytime my kiddos aren't with me, and no I don't think anyone (including my husband) takes as good of care of them as I do- well I think my mom does, but that's about it. I think it really depends on the type of husband/dad your husband is and if you totally trust that he would take the best care of you child, than yeah I'd bring it up, because you're right, it's not fair (even though I know that's not the point) but I get the fact that it's completely "expected" when you're off, but hardly even thought of when he's off. Good luck!

 

[patsal]

Neither hubby or I would even *think* of paying for daycare or babysitting if we regularly had half days or extra full days off. We just wouldn't do it!


I find it interesting that many people are assuming the OP is female and the spouse is her DH...

I made the assumption based on the OP's comment that "I would, and it would be expected, that I would keep baby out of daycare if I had off. "

This led me to think that in a still very stereotypical world the mom is expected to look after a child and when dad steps up it is considered babysitting.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I made the assumption based on the OP's comment that "I would, and it would be expected, that I would keep baby out of daycare if I had off. "

This led me to think that in a still very stereotypical world the mom is expected to look after a child and when dad steps up it is considered babysitting.

I read it that way too.

My DH works only 2 days per week with his f/t job (24 hour shifts). I work part time, but I work the days the doesn't through the week. When I'm at work and he's home, the boys are with him. It's not "babysitting", it's being their parent. (He also does all the housework/laundry/cooking/cleaning on those days, but I'm not going there).

I can see (and have done it) having someone else watch them while you're doing some things (large tasks, etc.). But, if it's just because it's 'easier', or if it's because he's the father, not the mother? Heck no, not in this house, not ever. I agree that everyone needs some time to themselves, but there is no way I'd put up with my boys being in daycare or watched by someone else while DH sat home all day. Just the same as I wouldn't put them in daycare/sitter so I could be home all the time alone.

 

[Camno's Mama]

Neither hubby or I would even *think* of paying for daycare or babysitting if we regularly had half days or extra full days off. We just wouldn't do it!


I find it interesting that many people are assuming the OP is female and the spouse is her DH...

Totally just realized that you are so right about that! I went back and it doesn't say anything about the sex of the person writing. In fact, the word spouse was exclusively used. Nice catch on that one. And I thought I had an open mind...

 

[Yeahmetoo]

x

 

[msmayor]

wow! I didn't expect so many responses - thank you! I've used neutral on purpose - i.e. spouse and baby.

To answer some questions, this is our first child - a baby just born this year. Today, spouse got a haircut, got car inspected and went to library to check out some fun books - all things I have and would have done with baby. Other 2 days spouse has done nothing other than relax - including 1/2 days. We have to pay daycare no matter what, which is not the issue for me.

I never even think of keeping baby in daycare when I'm not in work - and I wouldn't want to - I had a lot of years of being able to do things by myself and have alone time - now I have what I want - a child. And although I obviously use daycare, I think being with a parent is better. But I haven't said anything b/c as a PP said, if spouse doesn't think of it themself and want it without prompting, should I really push it - is that's what's best for baby? I have said things, like yesterday "Since you have off Friday, are you keeping baby with you or am I bringing baby to daycare" and I got "I have to get haircut and car inspected." I've also asked on 1/2 days if spouse wants my car (which has the car seat in it) so they can pick baby up, and it's always the negative.

So, I guess my question is this - is it really good for baby to push spouse to spend time or is baby better in daycare? Also, the 1/2 days are done for this year. There are two more "holidays" spouse gets off that daycare is still open for the year - there are also two "holidays" spouse will have to watch baby b/c daycare is closed and I have to work while spouse doesn't.

In my opinion, the fact that you've never even said anything to him about this, or discussed it beforehand, is more of a problem than whether he picks the child up or not.

You simply cannot wait for him to "think of it himself". You both need to sit down and in a calm manner, decide TOGETHER what is best for the child and for you two. You need to work this out NOW before it becomes a bigger issue.

 

[Frantasmic]

I'm male and I work a schedule such that I get every other Friday off. I had a lot of fun with my son on those off days. Then, he started school, but PreK and K were only half days. I was really sad when he started full day 1st grade. We had a lot of fun together.

yes, we did the honey dos together too.

It's also what's "fair" in a relationship. I'm sure that your spouse would probably say that it's okay for you to have day to yourself occasionally too, if you wanted. You haven't really addressed that other than it's what YOU think a parent should do in that situation. I don't get the vibe that your spouse is making you pick up the baby on your days off; it's just what YOU prefer.

There should be some middle ground. I can see wanting/needing some time to oneself; however, those first 5 years pass by so quickly and before you know itthey are in full day school.