Am I the only "mean" mom during the summer?

[Beca]

Seriously though, what makes you think that all SAHMs are broke?

I'm not sure where this comment is coming from? I never said that. Maybe you didn't really read my posts. I am a SAHM....we're not broke.



Beca

 

[wvjules]

Seriously though, what makes you think that all SAHMs are broke?

Where was that implied? The way I read it is that some are so hell bent on being SAHMs that the end result is not having money to pay for those things. NOT THAT ALL are broke.

Reading comprehension people...."I also think that families who choose..." No where does thay say ALL families.

 

[Beca]

Sorry, children who behave as the one described make me crazy. Her parents raised and supported her, and she storms off in a temper tantrum at 18. That family obviously had issues, and to put them all on the parent's not giving some lessons, etc. was ridiculous.

I have no clue whether your kid is spoiled or not. I do believe that if a child, or an adult needs something so silly to be happy, that is a problem. And children can be presented with multitudes of activities that do not require paren'ts to take out a second mortgage. To insinuate that a family unable to provide such expensive classes is not doing as much for their child as you are seems seriously judgmental.

You are right, in that children learn by example, but I also believe they learn by open verbal communication. I have no need to be covert with my kids. If they want to do something extravagant (one of mine is studying in France this fall) everyone knows that it will make for a tight budget. And then we talk about cuts we are willing to make (Disney) and those we are not willing to make (zoo and museum memberships).

As far as my former neighbor....we can debate that one all day. My point is this...if you asked her mother, she would tell you all about the sacrifices she made for her family. Whenever this girl did ask to take classes, etc., the response was "We don't have the money...maybe if I worked....but, I stayed home to raise you." I am not saying this mom is WORSE than a mom who choses to work and give her child lots of "out of the home" activities....I'm just saying she is certainly no better. Once again...different parenting styles. For me as a SAHM mom, I would go back to work to allow my dd the opportunity to experience those activities she is interested in rather than tell her no. That is just me...others who make different choices...that's fine, too.

And, I am not choosing to be "covert" with our dd about our finances. She will simply get as much as she can understand on her own. You and I are in VERY different places right now. Your kids are in college...mine is in pre-school. Your child is asking (for and getting) to go to France, mine is not allowed to be in the backyard by herself. As she gets older and can actually do something about providing her own way....she will be told more about our finances. If my dd was 19 and wanted to study abroad, I would say, "Sure...I'll match any funds you wish to contribute." But, we are taking her to France in September in lieu of Disney at Christmas. She has been told that we cannot do both (our reasons are both financial and dh's time away from work), but we didn't get into the details as to why....Mommy and Daddy just gave her a vote....WDW or France....she voted for France.

My point is this, teens and young adults (college kids) can have some impact on their world. They can get jobs to help defray the costs of the things they want to do. OTOH, small children can only feel guilty about it. My dd doesn't understand anything about money (except that half of her allowance has to go to her savings account every week), and personally, I wouldn't have it any other way right now. One of her shows on TV was talking about a "rich kid". I asked her what a "rich kid" is. She said, "Oh, a kid who can have anything they want....cars, jewelry, whatever." I asked, "Are you a rich kid or a poor kid?" She replied, "Mom....it's just a TV show...there's no such thing in real life." Well, I immediately pulled up the Christian Children's Fund website, and we talked about the kids on the screen. She looked at me and said, "Wow, Mom...I guess Americans are ALL rich kids." Yep, she's right.

Just because a kid is enriched with a lot of activities doesn't make them spoiled, and a teenager is not "throwing a temper tantrum" because she feels neglected that she didn't get them. A SAHM mom can be an amazing mom, or she can be a pretty neglectful one. Likewise, a working mom can be completely checked out, or completely tuned in. It's not in what you do, but how you choose to do it.

 

[Disneyrsh]

I was going to stay out of this, but...

You have absolutely no idea what any individual working mom's reasons are for working, and absolutely no justification for judging any of us. In my case I make CONSIDERABLY more than my DH. Yes, with my salary we can afford a pool membership and an occasional low budget Disney trip, but without my salary there is no way we could afford to live in even the modest house we live in and pay for more than the barest of necessities. (For the record, my DH is very hard working and very under paid.) Editing to clarify: you could look at my lifestyle from the outside and think, "she doesn't need to work; she's just paying for the pool membership, the vacations, the music lessons...", without knowing the whole story. And also to clarify that I hesitated to post this because I don't want it to seem disrespectful in any way to my - again - hardworking and underpaid DH.

You also have absolutely no idea what we working moms sacrifice so that we "can" work full time jobs and still spend time with our kids.

I know a LOT of working moms, and I don't know ONE who doesn't put their kids first. I don't know ONE who is working simply to pay for a luxurious lifestyle.

You owe working moms an apology. Seriously. I respect you for your decision to sacrifice extra income to stay home with your kids; please respect me for my decision to work to provide for them.

Somehow my belief that the parent raising the kid is best has turned into my judging everyone else. Sheesh. At no point did I ever say that. I will say that the woman who said raising kids is 'frankly, not that hard" is full of hooey, and I'll say it to her anytime.

My best friend works full time. She makes considerably more than her husband, just like you. So what was their solution? He's a stay at home (and I loathe that description, but for this argument, it works) for the three girls. From my perspective, other than having no abililty to pick out girls' clothing , he's every bit as good a parent as she is.

The nurse who works 7p to 7a, that was my MIL when my husband was growing up. Dad was on duty during those times, and that worked brilliantly. I have no argument with either of these situations; I feel that fathers make every bit as good a parent as mothers.

I DON'T think nannies and day care workers do, though. And you can holler all day about how spectacular they are; if your kids love them as much as they love you, then I just think there's something really wrong with that.

How do I want my girls to grow up? I help them build a solid boat, where they choose to sail it is up to them. Love is unconditional.

Who was it, Voltaire, I think, that said "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." That's what we try to live by in this family.

 

[Barb D]

A SAHM mom can be an amazing mom, or she can be a pretty neglectful one. Likewise, a working mom can be completely checked out, or completely tuned in. It's not in what you do, but how you choose to do it.

And there we have the absolute best words said in this thread. Thank you, Beca. Maybe we could be willing to give us all - SAHM DISers and working mom DISers - the benefit of the doubt that we've each made the best decision for our families at this time.

 

[Barb D]

Somehow my belief that the parent raising the kid is best has turned into my judging everyone else. Sheesh. At no point did I ever say that...

OK, I'll bite. Here's where you said it (emphasis mine):

Do I judge women who choose (important word, here, not every mother gets to choose to work) to work rather than raise their kids? Yes, I do. I am horrified that women would choose to have a BMW over cleaning up baby puke...
If you're a two income family and you choose to work, you are CHOOSING work over your kids. That's not rude, not judgemental, [Barb's comment: Just saying it's not judgmental doesn't make it not judgmental] it's a statement of fact, and you can get as angry about it as you like, I'm not making you go out there.

My point being that you don't KNOW anyone's motivation for working, or what their financial position would be if they didn't.

You ARE judging working moms. I'm glad you've made the right decision for your family. I've made the right decision for mine.