Am I right to be mad here?

[MeanLaureen]

Long post - sorry in advance

Quick background -

My mom has lived with me all my life - when I was old enough to buy my first house (22 yrs old) I decided that she had given up so much in her life to give to me that it was my turn to let her have whatever she wanted without any financial worries. This was back in 1989.

(my dad abandoned us when I was 5 - my brothers are 10 and 15yrs older than me and at the time my family was very wealthy so they got everything and more as kids growing up - where I was left basically living at poverty with my mom who went back to work after 25 yrs to take care of us)

So you can see we have been close and I have taken on the responsibility of caring for my mom.

About 2 yrs ago she was diagnosed with a very mild beginning of Parkinsons Disease. My mom is a hypocondriac and will milk a cold out to pnuemonia if you let her - so you can imagine how this went.

I also believe that she is Anorexic/bullemic - she would start starving herself if she got over a size 12 or all she would eat would be a bowl of icecream once a day - so you can imagine how her health was. I tried to reason with her that her eating ways when she was 30 yrs old would have drastic effects on her when she is 74 - no luck - just a "I used to live on a bowl of icecream before and I was fine".

My brothers have their own lives - wives families etc. One lives an hour away, the other 5 hours. As the grandkids got older and they started the soccer games and what have you, the calls and the visits became few and far between. Maybe one would call 5 times a year and see us 3 times. The other would call on holidays and see us maybe once every 2 yrs.

So that is the background -

Fast forward on to this April - my mom fell and broke her hip and had surgery. The surgery went well but my mom did not recover from it well.

It took her a long time to recover from the anesthesia (sp?) and for weeks she couldn't eat solid food. She was in a rehab nursing home for 2 months and Matt and I would visit her every day with at least one of our dogs (the dogs were her life) One brother came maybe 3 times, the other once. I figured that the one 1 hour away could come once a week on the weekends, if not for an hour, but he said he had a life to take care of. The other brother I could understand the lack of visits but he called me a couple of times a week to get updates or I would call him about 3 times a week while at the home so he could talk to her. The local brother didn't call at all.

So the therapists said that she would not be able to return to her normal life with me because she could no longer walk or take care of herself (my mom basically gave up - she had lost both her sister then her brother within one month of each other last year and she was going downhill from there) - she didn't have the will in her to recover.

I couldn't quit my job to be with her 24/7 because my medical bills for my AOSD take half of my salary every month - after insurance. And even if I could afford it, if I had a flare I would be unable to even walk myself so I would be no help.

The local brother said he would move her in with him. I know this was just one of those half hearted offers but so many people had been urging me to make my brothers assume more responsibility because I was killing myself trying to do it alone, that I jumped on the offer.

2 weeks ago my mom was discharged to them and they picked up some of her furniture and moved her into their house.

The weekend before she moved I had my yard sale. I told my mom of our succcess and she was so jazzed because she loved having yard sales. I guess she told my SIL when she moved in the next day because Matt received a phone call accusing me of selling my mom's clothes and belongings at the yardsale and she hoped that we at least left her some summer clothes!

I was sooooo pissed off. ow could they think I would go in my mom's rooms and just throw everything out there with a price tag on it??? Matt mentioned to them when he brought mom's clothes up there (he travels across the state for his job and he was coming through their town) that I was very hurt by that accusation and she shrugged it off and said that both she and my brother assumed it. No apology, nothing.

Okay, fast forward to yesterday. Matt and I spent the day together shopping and going to a movie. We left the house at 1:15pm.

Last night around 9:45 we heard the phone ringing but couldn't find it in time (darn those cordless phones). When we found it and he saw the number on caller ID, Matt said he thought the number was the one that my brother uses when he calls us because he doesn't have long distance - he uses a calling card.

We called the house and their 12 yr old son answers. He said that they had taken my mom to the ER because she was not able to remain awake, was having panic attacks and hurting herself and was tremoring really badly. When Matt asked when they left, my nephew said over 8 hours ago.

Did they call me? no. I have repeatedly given them my cell and Matt's cell over and over again.. I know they have it. So we asked him for my brothers cell number.

We called it and got a message that "this number is not in service". We called back to my nephew and he said that he gets that message all the time when he calls and they don't have the phone on. (okay, I know you have to keep phones off in the ER - but what cell plan doesn't come with voicemail?)

We told my nephew to have them call us immediately next time he hears from them.

We called my other brother to see if maybe he knew anything. They never attempted to call him and he was less than thrilled.

Finally they called, told us what was going on (with is still up in the air so I'm not sure what the situation is) I said firmly to him "Anytime something happened to mom when I was taking care of her, the first thing I did when we got to the hospital was call you and my other brother - why didn't you call us?"

His reply? Our cell numbers are at home on the refrigerator. (not that we weren't at home for an hour and a half after he took her to the hospital) Okay, they couldn't keep the cell numbers in their wallet.. they couldn't program them in the phone.. and they couldn't call home and ask one of the kids to give it to them if it was on the refrigerator?

I was pissed because if they had called me at noon when they left for the hospital - heck yeah I would have been up there! Instead I find out like this? And my other brother isn't keen on the fact that they have 2 kids - ages 12 and 14yrs old, alone at home after 10pm with their cell phone off and no way to contact their parents.

*WHEW* Sorry for the long story. Am I just overreacting about bring angry over the yard sale accusation and the lack of a call about my mom? Or would you be mad too?

Hope I didn't put anyone to sleep. I'm just so upset over the whole thing

 

[tastelikecandy]

I think I would be a little upset too. Your mother obviously means a great deal to you and that is more than a lot of people are blessed with. A good realtionship with their parents. You are a kind and caring person and all you asked for was a simple phone call with an update on the situation. I would not blow up over it but I would express my concerns.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by tastelikecandy
I think I would be a little upset too. Your mother obviously means a great deal to you and that is more than a lot of people are blessed with. A good realtionship with their parents. You are a kind and caring person and all you asked for was a simple phone call with an update on the situation. I would not blow up over it but I would express my concerns.

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Lars624]

Oh Laureen......I don't blame you for being upset. There is no excuse for them not calling you & your other brother.
I also come from a family with a large age gap in kids (brother was 17, sister 13 when I was born)& I know the lack of communication & other things that go along with it but for them not to have even attempted to call you at first is just plain wrong!
Best wishes for your Mom.....I'll keep her, & you, in my prayers.

 

[piglet too]

I would be pretty mad if either of my sisters did that! I hope your Mom is on the mend soon, and please let us know when you find out anything more!!!!

 

[Eeyore1954]

Am I just overreacting about bring angry over the yard sale accusation and the lack of a call about my mom? Or would you be mad too?

You are NOT overreacting at all, ML. I would be mad as heck, too.

Sounds like you need to get together with your family and do some planning. Maybe even program your phone number(s) into their cell phones for them (I did that with my brother).

Sometimes in emergencies people do not always think properly or clearly, but to not call for several hours is just not right. Once they were at the ER and your mom was being treated, they could have sat down, gathered their thoughts and called. That's not an unreasonable expectation.

 

[Lachesis00]

How is your mom today??

 

[Aimeedyan]

I don't think you overreacted at all, esp in your current situation. When someone's loved one is so ill and frail, people tend to not take such things as lost phone numbers and false accusations as lightly as we might in another light. You know?

I commend you for caring so deeply for your mom... she is blessed to have such a loving daughter.

When things calm down, and you are not as upset, I would try to arrange a meeting with your brothers and their SO's to discuss plans of actions... no one wants to admit it, but your moms health is going to continue to deteriorate and it's ALL of your responsibility to care for her, just like she cared for all of you as children. I'd arrange that, maybe at a nice restaurant, and print up everyones contact info and such. Shoot, print them onto magnets for the fridge, and business cards for their wallets. Make sure that everyone programs it into their phones RIGHT THEN, and decide between yourselves when the others should be contacted on things.

My hugs to you.

 

[Jeanny]

are your brothers related to mine?? I know exactly what you're going through. I hope your Mom is ok.

 

[Serena]

I would be furious.

I hope your mom is better soon.

 

[Kallison]

The same thing happened to my Mom. She built an apartment for her Dad and took care of him until he died. In the end her brother and 2nd wife showed up and started accusing her of not feeding him, taking his valuables etc. He also lived in town but was rarely available for any help. My grandfather turned on my Mom too, trying to play my brother and his new wife against her. Hopefully your Mom won't play the blame game. Your SIL sounds like a doozy though.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You have a right to be mad and they have the right to question you about the yard sale, as an outsider they are probably wondering what you sold of hers. The situation with your mother is very tense and hard to handle. I would expect you to be frustrated at times.
I would take a proactive approach and work things out with the family if your mom is going to be there. I know how much you care about her. Make sure he programs the numbers, when you want to be called, if they need help, etc...Set up some "ground rules" if at all possible.
Sounds like a tougher situation than the nursing home dilemma you had.

 

[CarolA]

OK. I am going to post the other side here. Yes, you are upset and you have a right to be.

However, you have admitted that you are not in a position to take care of your mom the way she needs to be cared for. In this case I think you are going to have to let go of your anger. While we may not always like it, the caregiver is in the drivers seat in times like this. They may not have always liked everything you did. Your brother may have felt it was better to find out what was going on then to cause unnecessary panic in the family.



As I re-read your post my impression is that you feel a little guilty for not being able to take care of your mom. I think you have done an admirable job, but it is time to put the care of yourself first.

 

[LuvTigger]

I agree with what everyone else has said. I also have seen firsthand what you are going through and really commend you for taking on such a responsibility and for making a sacrifice.

I also wanted to add that I have seen my uncle take care of everyone else in the family, including my mother, and although I love my Aunty dearly and she really does appreciate the sacrifice my Uncle has made, I can see that she's developed a sort of "selfish" attitude. She appreciates what my uncle has done and has even tried to help him financially because she is in that position now, but yet she claims she has her own problems and wouldn't be able to help out more than in a financial manner.

I don't want to stir the pot for you more, but I kind of wonder if your brothers are experiencing that selfishness? Even though one of them has taken her in now, he really does not understand the way you do what it is like to care for her long-term.

That being said, I agree with Aimeedyan's thought about getting everyone together after everyone has cooled off a bit, and try to put everything else in the past and focus on your plans for the future (including a plan of action next time mom goes into the hospital).

Best wishes to you and your mother.

 

[FroggyinArk]

not sure mad would be a strong enough word,, l;vid maybe,, totally p$$$ed o$$ close,, extremely near to rabid and foaming at the mouth maybe?

 

[SnoWhite]

Laurie,


I would definitely be upset! He should have called you, that is just uncalled for and there is no good excuse for it. Like you said, had the tables been turned you would have called them, it's the respectful thing to do.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you have so much else going on, hopefully your Mother will be feeling better soon. I will keep you and her in my thoughts.

Lisa

 

[goofy4tink]

I would be mad also. If it were my situation I would have thought my 'wonderful' brother was being passive-aggressive!!! But, my db is a total jerk. Families are tough to deal with in the best of times. When my mom was still alive I tried to make the best of some pretty horrific times, just to make her life easier. But, no more. At least your brother has taken some kind of responsibility...mine never even visited our mom and he only lives 25 minutes away!! So, yep, I'd be mad also but I would try to get over it and try for a better relationship with the brother so your mom would benefit. Sorry you have to go through stuff like this.

 

[Obi-Wan Pinobi]

I tried posting this last night, but there was a bit of a hiccup in cyberspace and couldn't get it retyped.

I called Lauri's SIL yesterday afternoon. Lauri's mom was finally admitted from the ER into the hospital around midnight. She was given something to help her sleep, but they still have some tests to do (including a MRI). She couldn't tell me much more than that because the Dr.'s didn't know much more either.

Three things about the yard sale issue. First, yes, Lauri's brother has a right to know if we sold anything of their mother's but the question could have been asked a whole heckuvalot tactfully than it had. Second, I would hope that they would know Lauri a LOT better than to even suspect something like that, but maybe I'm wrong. Third, the SIL's reaction like it was no big deal and just brushed it off without even apologizing for hurting Lauri's feelings still irritates us.

I remember when my paternal grandparents passed away back in the 80s, my father's siblings (he was one of 16 and maybe 13 were still living at this time) fought over their parents' things. According to one of my cousins, a couple of our uncles and aunts went in and sold everything without talking to the others or giving everyone a chance to get even a memento. I never knew that side of the family very well and I was kind of glad I wasn't around for all that.

Thanks to everyone for the words of advice and encouragement. I'll leave this up for Lauri to see in a bit.

 

[MsDisney23]

Laureen, You have every right to be upset. My DD and I are very close, it was always just her and I, she is now almost 20, I am remarried to a wonderful man. I know my DD would be pissed off big time (if she had sibling's). I myself would be as well.

I hope your Mom is doing better, please let us know.

 

[MeanLaureen]

Thanks for all the all the warm wishes and encouragment.. I need it so much.

Funny thing how this has changed my relationship with my brothers.

I was always so much closer to to my brother who is an hour away (the one mom is with now) We fought (and I mean physically) like cats and dogs when I was a teen and he was in his twenties but when I hit my twenties and he got married he mellowed.

My other brother that is 5 hours away, I have barely known. Lets face it, when your sibling is 15 yrs older than you they pretty much move on and have their own life - plus he stayed up north when the family headed to VA when I was little. He was also a very difficult person to get along with. It wasn't until now that it is under control. Now he has become the one that looks out for me and worries about me while my other brother (or should I say his wife) is the one that is causing the grief in my family.

The local brother and his wife do not believe that I am sick. I can line up the medicine bottles - I take 27 pills a day to get by - and they will still blow it off. I have a handicap parking permit - doesn't mean anything. The literally tell me there is nothing wrong with me. I guess since I don't have a big gaping wound on me somewhere that they can see, I'm not sick.

Oh, and the thing with them accusing me of selling her stuff at the yard sale - that was a whole whopping 5 days after she officially moved from my house - making me feel like they thought I was a gold digger.

I guess what upset me so much also is that I was off on Sunday. I'm off on Sundays 99% of the time. They know I would have been right up there had I known. I had just talked to mom and asked if she wanted me to come visit or to come get her and bring her back to see the dogs and she said no, to wait until next weekend (She's an old Hallmark person so she knows how busy things were at work that week) I just find it unacceptable to call me for over 8 hours AFTER she gets into the ER!

Thanks for letting me vent... Boy, I am earning this ulcer lately!