Am I old fashioned?

[joolz1910]

DD(11) had a friend over for dinner tonight. Her friend is 10. My DD was adamant that I didn't need to phone the other mother, as 'her mum says it's fine'. I have never met the girl or her mother before.

Anyway, I did phone and the parents seemed bemused as to why I had phoned and passed the phone to their daughter. I asked when she needed to be home and their reply was 'whenever'. My DD said that her friend would walk home after dinner (about 1.5 miles along a main road). I insisted on taking her home.

After dinner, my DD informed me that her friend's mum wouldn't be home until after 8. I have two younger daughters who go to bed at 7.30! 3.20 until 8.00 is quite a long play date imo. I could tell that my DD thought I was being a fusspot and it has made me question my standards. The girl is lovely and they had a nice time together.

So, am I old fashioned? Do I need to chill out?

 

[PixieTl]

nope, i'd be concerned that her parents didn't seem to care when their 10yr old was going to be home! or that her mom wasn't going to be home until after 8pm and just assumed her daughter would be fine/taken care of...

on another note, if that's pretty common for the little girl, then your home may be her favorite place in the world now... so be prepared!
And just for fun i'd always call to make sure they knew where their daughter was

 

[2Tiggies]

This

on another note, if that's pretty common for the little girl, then your home may be her favorite place in the world now... so be prepared!
And just for fun i'd always call to make sure they knew where their daughter was

And no, I would do the same. The kids in our street have a habit of flitting from one house to the next. Except mine where agreement is reached betwee the other parent and myself, inlcuding what time their child is to be home. I then ensure that their child is watched (or walked) if necessary, to the front door and that I see them go inside before my responsibility is over.

I don't think you are old fashioned. I am the same

 

[joolz1910]

nope, i'd be concerned that her parents didn't seem to care when their 10yr old was going to be home! or that her mom wasn't going to be home until after 8pm and just assumed her daughter would be fine/taken care of...

on another note, if that's pretty common for the little girl, then your home may be her favorite place in the world now... so be prepared!
And just for fun i'd always call to make sure they knew where their daughter was

Thanks. I was starting to think that my parenting was from another era.

 

[scottish mum]

Not old fashioned at all. I always speak to the parent if kids have a friend coming round and either i put the kid home or the parent collects.

 

[T16GEM]

Not old fashioned at all, just responsible.

 

[Chilly]

I think you did the right thing and 8pm is late on a school night for a play date. (Not that I have kids)

 

[lin85prest]

I would have done the same, but I would have phoned to see if they were at home as sometimes kids say there is no one home so that they can stay longer, especially when they are having such a good time.

 

[taylor91]

I also think you did the right thing. I'm only 19 but I couldn't imagine not really caring where my child (when I actually have children) was going or how they were getting home.

 

[2Tiggies]

I think you did the right thing and 8pm is late on a school night for a play date. (Not that I have kids)

You're quite right. It does depend on the age of the child. What we have to take into account is that the routine for one household does not always work for the next so not so much right or wrong, but different. Some parents allow their kids far more leeway and others pull in the reigns more tightly. Both have advantages and drawbacks and somewhere between lies a large grey area which contains the happy balance. But it's a zone, not a point.

I think the OP did well to keep within her rules whilst oveseeing the playtime in her household. That is really the best you can do.

 

[mandymouse]

Not old fashioned at all, just responsible.

I agree, I would've done exactly the same

 

[Ware Bears]

So, am I old fashioned? Do I need to chill out?

Not at all. You stay exactly the same, if only all parents had the same standards as you.

 

[strawberry blonde]

When my sons were younger, I always spoke to the parents before anyone came to us for dinner. If I couldn't contact them, I'm afraid the date was changed until I could. I also walked the child to their front door when I dropped them off or at least sat in the car until I could see they were safely inside. It was nice to meet their parents this way and I've made some really good friends over the years

In this day and age you can't be too careful.

 

[joolz1910]

I would have done the same, but I would have phoned to see if they were at home as sometimes kids say there is no one home so that they can stay longer, especially when they are having such a good time.

I did! I got the mum's mobile number from DD's friend but she didn't answer. I then phoned the house phone and found that Dad was home unexpectedly early - 7.30. Not much gets past me.

 

[toots82]

I think you did the right thing, I'd be the very same. I'd always want to speak to parents before my kids went there or had their friends over. xx

 

[joolz1910]

I think a lot of parents who live by me push their children to be independent at an early age. I have allowed DD (11) to walk to school on her own this year - Year 6 - but I struggled with that at first. Getting the balance right is sooo hard. I suppose you just have to trust your instincts.

 

[scojos]

all i can say is i must be old fashioned too
play dates end at 6.30 in our house wether i am having or giving, by the time you have chatted with parents, and i do insist in saying thank you, then got hope its 7pm, which gives them 4 hours with mates.
i wish i had 4 hours to chat with my mates
as a working mom of 3 i understand that sometimes its hard, but i know where my kids are at all times, even if its "in transit" to somewhere, thats how kids go missing...
safety first...always...
tx

 

[saraheeyore]

its quite scary that some parents don't know were their kids are or seem bothered in knowing were they are. My kids are young so we've not got to that bit yet but when i was a nanny/childminder to a bt older kids who used to go play with friends i always used to take them or watch them go when one was trying to be independant (i could see her walk from an upstairs window but she didn't know then) and this was daytime

 

[Hannathy]

I have never called a parent and have never had a parent call me once they are past 5-7 . the kids handle all the arrangements themselves at 11.

I don't think 8 is that late, that is when most things like Scouts or church choir get out, or swimming lessons are over.

the only thing that would concern me is walking 1.5 miles in the dark in the winter. I would be afraid she would get hit so I would have driven her home like you did.

I probably would have been surprised also if you had called me.


I'm sorry I didn't realize I was on the UK board (that's what I get for reading and posting while talking to my DD in school!) so it may be different in the UK but where I live by 11 kids are setting up their own get together s and I really haven't talked to a parent in years.

 

[PoppyAnna]

Not old fashioned at all, if you're from another era then so I am
You did exactly as I would have done (might not have brought her home at all TBH).

Playdates at the age that my children are (5 & 7), regardless if we are giving or recieving are planned with parents a little in advance around childrens after school activites. No way do I let my children make these arrangements themselves. Our school would never let a child go home with another parent anyway.

I'm going to go out on limb here and possibly get a bit flamed but me and my (stay at home mum) friends do feel that we are quite often taken advantage of by full time working parents who rely on us to fetch,collect, and have playdates with their children and they never offer back. I don't see it as "quit pro quo" but I think to offer occasionally would be a nice gesture. We'd like a second income but I don't have family locally and would never rely on other parents so I could go and earn a high wage.
We had a couple that used to live on our st and our children went to school together and the Mum would often turn up on the door during school holidays saying that they would love to come over and play! One day I said yes and her girls we in a terrible mood. To cut a long story short I ended up spending so much time with the children, I didn't get time to cook my dinner, ended up taking my kids to mcdonalds for tea and when I walked them to their front door I could see him cooking a lovely meal and she had been to the Gym!!!! Never again, I told myself.....