Am I just cruel???

[kjasmin]

I have a family of 5. DD13, DD11, DS6 and DW(I AM NOT SUICIDAL to give out the age). Been thinking about taking my wife and just my son to Disney during Xmas for a while now, but hesitant. Reason is that I feel guilty not taking the 2 girls. I Know for a fact that I wouldnt be able to pull my DD11 (from previous marriage - ex won't allow it during school and her holidays) and my 13 is at an age where hanging with parent is no longer fun or coooooollll! Last trip she really did not look like she had fun, although her mother said otherwise! But I feel guilty not taking her. Must be a girl thing. My son, well... just can't miss the expression on the face!

Sooooo, Am I cruel to want to take just my boy? While he is still glued to my hip....

 

[GeorgieGirls3]

No, I don't think you are cruel...but I would extend the invitation to the girls too, just so they don't feel excluded. JMHO.
Good luck, whatever your decision!

Maggie

 

[lg3]

I can understand your hesitation, but I would do the old "Dear Abbey" thing and open the invitation to everyone and if your two daugters either don't want to go or can't (due to ex-wife) then you have done all you can do and aren't being cruel IMO. It's a very difficult age for girls.
Growing up, my father took the kids on separate vacations at times. I really don't remember why, but it wasn't unusual. Maybe you could take a different teen girl-oriented trip at a later time so they don't feel so left out. (If you can stand it)! Good luck!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I would do one of 2 things. Take all the kids on your trip to WDW, or take your son to WDW, then plan a trip for just the girls to stay onsite at Universal or someplace of their choosing. (My DS & his teenage friends & cousins just happen to love staying onsite at UO.) You could make their trip a long weekend, so they don't worry about being away from their friends so long, or you away from your son too long. This scenario could cause you other problems though. Your DW may not want the 2 of you to take just the girls to UO or elsewhere, & may not want you to go w/o her. That's something you should discuss with her & see what she thinks of the idea.

Personally, I wouldn't plan a trip with just your DS, unless you already have a trip planned for the girls to also look forward to. He already has dad 24/7, & they don't. They may really resent the idea of you taking him & not them. KWIM? You could ask the girls, if they'd rather go to WDW with the 3 of you, or if they'd rather go to UO or some other place on a later date. They'll probably choose to go elsewhere, if you plan to go someplace fun for kids their age & you'll get to take your DW & DS at Christmas guilt free. Good luck! Unfortunately, your situation can be difficult on everyone at times.

 

[Vickibean]

I think it would be fine to take just your son. I'm in a similar situation: Both DH and I have kids from previous marriages. My son from my first marriage gets to take trips with his dad, which my youngest, from my current marriage, does not go on. Your daughters have the opportunity to take trips with their mother, too.

 

[Zoesmama03]

I say go for it, take a trip just the 3 of you. You are a family and shouldn't be held back because the others can't go on that trip. But plan a trip you can all go on for a time when their mother will allow them to go.

Times like these always come up with blended families. My dad took me and my brother to Disney several times when my step-siblings didn't come but they were older and had things to do but still probably would have liked to go just not enough money to take everyone. On the other hand their were vacations they took without us too.

 

[la79al]

I'm going against the grain here to say, I'm not sure. Is DS the bio son of your wife as well? Would you be missing time with the girls to go on this trip? If DD13 is at that age, that's one thing, I have a DSS about to hit that point so I understand. But it sounds like DD11 would want to go (and DD13 may want to as well, it's just not cool to say that). And she would probably be really upset if she couldn't. I understand the whole she gets to do things at her moms idea. We do stuff here that the kids miss out on because they are with their mother. I just feel that Disney World is a major trip to leave kids behind when they really want to go. If DS is your wifes bio son as well and you won't miss time with the girls, then I guess I would say go, just be prepared for some upset girls. If DS is yours from a prior marriage or you would miss time with the girls, I would say don't do it.

 

[goofymomof3]

Your gut is telling you something doesn't feel right about it. Go with the gut. I am not up on all the step and biological stuff but when something has to be mulled over like this...... it isn't worth it.......especially if you are worried about hurting kids feelings..... IMHO

 

[mdsouth]

Your gut is telling you something doesn't feel right about it. Go with the gut. I am not up on all the step and biological stuff but when something has to be mulled over like this...... it isn't worth it.......especially if you are worried about hurting kids feelings..... IMHO

I agree with the above. My experience as a middle school teacher and based on my studies in child development, I say don't do it.

The two girls are at the age where their emotions run to extremes. One minute they would be fine with it the next they would not. The preteen and teen years are extremely difficult for kids. They are at the point where they begin to pull away from hanging out with the family, yet will be very offended and hurt emotionally if they feel as if their parents are neglecting them. This is a time in their lives when it is extremely important for them to feel that their parents like them.

I would suggest that you plan to go as a family when EVERYONE can go. Then just plan time during the week when you and your DW take turns doing things with just your son or daughters. This is a much more acceptable alternative. The girls still know that they have your love, and yet you can all take the time to go and do things that you would like to do.

 

[haley's mom]

I am not sure of your situation, but mine is as follows. My DH has 2 kids from a previous marriage. DD14 and DS8. We share one child DD4.

Each year the 5 of us take a family vacation in the summer. Past trips have included Myrtle Beach, Ocean City and this year is Niagara Falls.

The oldest kids also take yearly vacation with their mom's family. Including Hershey Park, Myrtle Beach, Las Vegas, Disney etc.

Then DH and I usually take a short trip with just DD4. 2 years ago we did the three of us to WDW in September for 4 days. In 2006 we took all 5 to WDW for 8 days, this year will be 3 of us to WDW in November for 3-4 days.

My take on the situation is this....my step-children take 2 vacations a year, do will my daughter. Now if we did not take our family trip and only did a trip my DD. That would be cruel.

 

[cinder1]

I grew up with a blended family. I have 2 "full" brothers and 3 half brothers (from my dad and stepmother). My stepmom took my 3 half brothers on trips without the rest of us quite often, but my dad did not go on most of these trips due to work. It truly hurt my feelings when they went on trips without all of us. When my dad did do "family" trips without all of his kids, it was like a slap in the face. From someone who has been on the kid end of it, I can say it truly feels like the parent has a whole new family and the "old" kids are just extra and not wanted or needed. Now as an adult, I can see that this perspective was probably not true (but notice I cannot help but to add the "probably" even now as a 40 yr old adult parent to 4 kids of my own). I think for such a major family trip, you should wait until all of the kids can go. You don't want your other kids to feel left out of your life any more than they already are, especially since your reasons boil down to convenience.

As for the 13 yr old not wanting to be around you guys...I have a 12 yr old DD who hasn't wanted to hang out with her family since 1st grade , but too bad so sad for her. Even if she doesn't want to admit it, she has a great time and periodically, her guard is down and she lets on that she thinks we are fun and that she actually does love us. That's the best!!!

 

[hrsmom]

As a child that was "from the first marriage", not getting at least an invite was so hurtful. If your ex won't let her go, then let her be the bad guy, otherwise you might end up with a daughter who resents you and your "new" family. It makes me sad that people leave out kids just because they aren't from the current marriage - it was done to us a lot and all these years later I wonder why we weren't good enough.

 

[ThunderMTexpert]

Beforehand, waaay beforehand, talk to your girls about why you are planning to just take your son. Explain that another family trip including EVERYONE could be worked out for next summer, or something, once DD is out of school, and offer to the DD who thinks "parent time" is lame, simply state exactly what you wrote on the board. Not like you love your son more, but it works out well in this situation to just bring DS. My mom/little sister12 often go to WDW without my older sister and I, ((DD25 and 21)), and it's understood that my mom's just a huge fan. Not that we aren't, but it's OK to go without sometimes. In 12 days, in fact, mom, little sis, and grandma are going without any of us! And we understand, AND respect that she came to us before hand and laid out the reasons WHY we "couldn't come" this time around. We're looking forward to the next trip, where it would be a lot easier for us to tag along! (P.S:: You're not cruel!!))

 

[cinder1]

I totally agree with hrsmom!!

 

[cheapi86]

I'm basing my post on the assumption that your DD13 and DD11 are from a previous marriage.......


I would take them all. Sure she may be acting like your typical teen...but that's part of having a child. You can't just have her when she's "good" and leave her at home when she's not.

As a child of divorce, my dad would often not include me in on things with his "new family". And even though the divorce happened a long time ago, it still hurts for a kid. That's the tough part about divorce, mom gets a say, dad gets say and children have to deal with the horrible situation that they've been forced into.

My personal opinion is to treat ALL of your children like they live with you 24/7. Would you not take a child who lives with you all the time on vacation? I don't think so. Your children are your children all the time, not just on your days.

I don't mean to be rude in my post, but I'm trying to get you to feel how your daughter may take this. Also, is there a way you could switch holidays with your ex?

 

[a1tinkfans]

OUCH!!
PLEASE....
offer the trip to everyone....feelings run deep and hurt feelings can so easily be avoided by just ASKING!

 

[barbmouse]

I wouldn't do it!! I think the girls would have a very good time....but maybe only when you're not looking . Girls that age can be a bit testy . My dd has been to Dw at 11 and 13. She had a great time but Dw is a family tradition with us and she might not know better. She also had cousins along so that may make a difference.

 

[AlyssinWonderland]

I'd have to say take everyone too. It would feel badly to be left out of family vactions whether or not you live with your parent full time or not. It will probably just cause resentment. At least give them the option of going. If they say no, it is out of your hands.

I lived with my parents (Both) until I graduated as a senior. My Dad and I didn't get along very well and once I started high school my family went to Hawaii at least twice a year on a "family vacation" without me. No disscussion, no talking it over, no explaination just about every year for four years. I had a younger sister (3 years younger than me) who was allowed to go on the family vacation. My mom tired to explain it to me the first year...something about how I need to learn to live without them and that I wouldn't be allowed to skip high school for a silly family vaction... but it still hurts. I moved out 6 years ago and now have a great relationship with my mom and sister, but I still don't talk with my father. Doesn't seem to bother him at all. This is not a good relationship to have and I think it is a combination of bad communication and just not caring.

If you decide to make it just a family vaction with your wife and son make sure you explain to your girls why and perhaps try and do something special with each of them so they don't feel that you like your son more than them. Make sure they understand too...don't just tell them. Sorry I got preachy...but this is a subject close to my heart....

 

[fan_of_small_world]

Honestly, I would plan the trip when all three children could join you. If the 11 or the 13 don't want to come, then she/they could stay with their mom. But at least they would know that they were included.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I have a blended family and I cannot imagine not extending the invite to all the kids. If they don't want to go, then they can just say no, but they can never say I did not care enough to include them. If the ex is the one that says no, then let her be the bad guy-still, you cared enough to ask them along. Are you really just not wanting them to come and afraid that if you ask they may say yes? Your not a bad person for wanting some time with your new family, but Disney is a major trip, not a weekend type of trip that the kids probably wouldn't care about missing.

If my father ever excluded me from a family trip when I was a kid so that he could take his "new and improved" family away ...I don't think he would ever live it down-regardless of whether I would have wanted to go or not. It definitely would have changed our relationship. Now if my dad asked me to go and my mom said no...then my mother would have been the subject of my fury.