Am I being unreasonable?

[Liberty Belle]

No offense, but the counseling is so that DH and I can decide for ourselves if I am expecting too much of him.

I am familiar with the Serenity Prayer- DH and I just disagree on whether the situation is something we cannot change, or something we need to find the courage to face.

No, my BIL and I were never more than friends, and I did not know him prior to knowing my husband, I was friends with BOTH of them for years before DH and I ever got together, and I was never interested in BIL.

Huh? I'm not sure what you mean by your first sentence. Are you talking to one poster in particular? If you're talking to all who've answered, you did ask if we thought you were being unreasonable. What am I missing?

 

[mrsklamc]

Huh? I'm not sure what you mean by your first sentence. Are you talking to one poster in particular? If you're talking to all who've answered, you did ask if we thought you were being unreasonable. What am I missing?

Yes, I said we were going to counseling and someone responded "Is the counseling so you can let it go because you are expecting too much of your DH"?

 

[krcit]

Nah- pretty much been angry at BIL and frustrated at IL's choosing to 'ignore' the situation for about 18 months..the cancer has only been around since September.

I think someone else hit it closer though- I probably AM trying to make DH hurt BIL because I'm hurt.

A big sticking point between DH and I has been DH's contention that 'He's not doing it to hurt us, he's just doing it.' MY take on it is that that does not absolve him from the consequences of hurting us.

I want him out of our lives; DH wants to be there to pick up the pieces when his world falls apart. DH is a better person than me. BUT we don't seem to be getting anywhere so I think it IS probably off to counseling for us.

I think counseling sounds like a good idea. I had a family member that cheated throughout her whole marriage(I'm not saying that is what happened in your family, just using for comparison) I was livid to see my bro hurt like that and I was full of anger and rage.You know what good that did?? None. Just made me crabby and bitter. My bro has forgiven and moved on and if he can, I certainly can since it really wasn't about me in the first place. She has to live with the consequences of her actions for the rest of her life and I like to think she learned from them but My whole point is maybe counseling will help you to accept the different ways that you and your DH are dealing with things. Good luck with everything and get well

 

[mrsklamc]

As to how it affects me or is my business- because of trust issues in my family of origin, I have had probably only 6 people in my entire life that I would call REAL friends- people that I trust unequivocally. BIL knew this and was one of these people. I had confided in him, over 12 years or so of friendship, about some very personal things. For example, the only other extended fight DH and I have ever had was that I wanted to have a destination wedding or just get married at the courthouse, while DH wanted a traditional wedding. We could NOT agree. BIL gave me this speech about family, and how important it was, and how hurt people would be, blah blah blah, and I relented. At the same time, he was taking part in the lies I've been referencing. So I gave up the wedding I wanted, because I trusted him and listened to him. And he was a big fat liar. This is one example. So to me, every wonderful family event, every get together, every gift ever given and received- is tainted by his deception

 

[nutterbutter2010]

As to how it affects me or is my business- because of trust issues in my family of origin, I have had probably only 6 people in my entire life that I would call REAL friends- people that I trust unequivocally. BIL knew this and was one of these people. I had confided in him, over 12 years or so of friendship, about some very personal things. For example, the only other extended fight DH and I have ever had was that I wanted to have a destination wedding or just get married at the courthouse, while DH wanted a traditional wedding. We could NOT agree. BIL gave me this speech about family, and how important it was, and how hurt people would be, blah blah blah, and I relented. At the same time, he was taking part in the lies I've been referencing. So I gave up the wedding I wanted, because I trusted him and listened to him. And he was a big fat liar. This is one example. So to me, every wonderful family event, every get together, every gift ever given and received- is tainted by his deception

Then you can't post on a PUBLIC board asking for opinions.

 

[Sandy V.]

First of all, I wish you good health and peace.

As to your original question - yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

Whatever lies/deceit/betrayal/whatever your BIL did to you, by hanging on to those feelings and putting forth some "rule" about your DH not being able to answer BIL's questions about your cancer and subsequent treatment borders on the ridiculous. You can't control what others are going to ask, you can only control YOUR own reactions. As long as you continue to hang on to your ill will, your BIL "wins", even when he's not even trying to do something bad to you in the first place.

While your DH doesn't have to go into every detail to your BIL about your treatment, it seems overcontrolling to attempt to forbid him from saying anything. WAY OVERCONTROLLING.

Honestly, the last thing you need right now is to hang on to your bad feelings about your BIL. Concentrate on your own well-being and the relationship with your DH and family. Again, best wishes.

 

[luvmy3]

I think that you are being unreasonable to expect your dh to not speak to your BIL about you. Obviously he has forgiven his DB and wants to continue a relationship, it doesn't mean you have to but I don't think you should expect your dh to stop talking to him about you. I don't think its unreasonable for you to ask your dh to not go into detail or discuss very personal matters about you with him, but a simple answer to "how is mrsklamc?" is not really a big deal.

 

[mrsklamc]

Then you can't post on a PUBLIC board asking for opinions.

 

[Buckalew11]

I will say that DH has not shared anything specific. He says things like, "She's fine," or "she's not happy right now but it should be better soon." It frustrates me because I feel like it's part of his family's conflict avoidance issues that he won't just call a spade a spade, and say, "she doesn't want me to discuss that with you."

I think that your DH is answering very vaguely already and it sounds fine. he isn't giving out too much info and, your BIL, no matter if he's cheated throughout his marriage or whatever, probably still cares about you and your health even though he's been less than perfect. You do not want him too, but I think the guy still is human enough to care about his SIL's health.

IMHO you are being unreasonable.
It doesn't sound like your dh is giving any details about your situation, he's just giving general statements. It's too petty to demand He handle it otherwise.
If he was giving in depth updates on your condition I would feel differently.

Okay, now I am going to say that you're being unreasonable. He's not giving out specific information and he's being very general.

If your DH and his whole family have conflict avoidance issues, then that's the way it is. Asking your DH to fight this battle with his brother (a battle that you want to fight and your DH does not) is unreasonable.

Nah- pretty much been angry at BIL and frustrated at IL's choosing to 'ignore' the situation for about 18 months..the cancer has only been around since September.

I think someone else hit it closer though- I probably AM trying to make DH hurt BIL because I'm hurt.

A big sticking point between DH and I has been DH's contention that 'He's not doing it to hurt us, he's just doing it.' MY take on it is that that does not absolve him from the consequences of hurting us.

I want him out of our lives; DH wants to be there to pick up the pieces when his world falls apart. DH is a better person than me. BUT we don't seem to be getting anywhere so I think it IS probably off to counseling for us.

The bolded is a really big statement. The other is a very forgiving, loving statement. If this was your brother than I think it is easy to write him off. But this is not--he's your DH's brother. You can't write him off as easily because that is not fair to your DH. It is really his decision and I think you need to go along the best you can with his decision. The family will move on through all this and you will be angry and bitter--that'll be sad.

When my cousin had an affair and married the girl, I was sickened by him. I remember my aunt saying she was trying to accept it all the best she could because he was her son. I'm not sure I totally get that but I do understand what she was saying. I think she wanted to write him off at that point and keep the DIL but he was her son and she loved him anyway. Just an example of why families forgive easier than ILs.

As to how it affects me or is my business- because of trust issues in my family of origin, I have had probably only 6 people in my entire life that I would call REAL friends- people that I trust unequivocally. BIL knew this and was one of these people. I had confided in him, over 12 years or so of friendship, about some very personal things. For example, the only other extended fight DH and I have ever had was that I wanted to have a destination wedding or just get married at the courthouse, while DH wanted a traditional wedding. We could NOT agree. BIL gave me this speech about family, and how important it was, and how hurt people would be, blah blah blah, and I relented. At the same time, he was taking part in the lies I've been referencing. So I gave up the wedding I wanted, because I trusted him and listened to him. And he was a big fat liar. This is one example. So to me, every wonderful family event, every get together, every gift ever given and received- is tainted by his deception

I think this is a total overreaction to your BIL. To say that everything he has ever done and said, every gift etc. is now tainted is off the charts to me. I think you all should see a counselor.

I do hope you get well and beat your cancer. I despise cancer and I'd probably focus my anger towards it.

 

[Skywalker]

So I gave up the wedding I wanted, because I trusted him and listened to him. And he was a big fat liar. This is one example. So to me, every wonderful family event, every get together, every gift ever given and received- is tainted by his deception

This is all so over-the-top dramatic I don't know what to say, other than based on what you've said my answer to your question is yes you are being unreasonable.

Your husband is not your puppet and does not have to speak the lines you wish him to speak. He is being vague about you while still maintaining his relationship with his brother. That is how he wants to handle his family and frankly you should back off. Now if you say that the thing you discovered is that he has been putting arsenic in your food all these years in an attempt to murder you or something...then you are justified. Just my opinion.

 

[ReneeA]

If you go see a counselor about this, they will be objective. An outsider looking in, much like the posters here on the DIS...which leads me to think he/she is going to respond much like we are.

I'm hoping that you go in with an open mind and an open heart and get to the root of this issue. I can guarantee that it's not this particular issue that is the root. Odds are, that by getting help with you family of origin issues and dealing with the rigidity and anger this issue with the BIL will iron itself out. This coming from someone who spent quite a bit of time with a counselor ironing out my own childhood issues. It helped in every single aspect of my life and changed it for the better.

 

[mrsklamc]

Yes, as well as, we will be able to discuss more specifically the types of things BIL has been doing. That's what we're going to do. Thanks for the input.

 

[ckret01]

While I don't know if what you are expecting from your DH is right or wrong...I can say I understand how you feel because I have been in a situation feeling the same thing you are but under different circumstances

 

[lillygator]

No offense, but the counseling is so that DH and I can decide for ourselves if I am expecting too much of him.

I am familiar with the Serenity Prayer- DH and I just disagree on whether the situation is something we cannot change, or something we need to find the courage to face.

No, my BIL and I were never more than friends, and I did not know him prior to knowing my husband, I was friends with BOTH of them for years before DH and I ever got together, and I was never interested in BIL.

expecting too much of your DH or your BIL?

As to how it affects me or is my business- because of trust issues in my family of origin, I have had probably only 6 people in my entire life that I would call REAL friends- people that I trust unequivocally. BIL knew this and was one of these people. I had confided in him, over 12 years or so of friendship, about some very personal things. For example, the only other extended fight DH and I have ever had was that I wanted to have a destination wedding or just get married at the courthouse, while DH wanted a traditional wedding. We could NOT agree. BIL gave me this speech about family, and how important it was, and how hurt people would be, blah blah blah, and I relented. At the same time, he was taking part in the lies I've been referencing. So I gave up the wedding I wanted, because I trusted him and listened to him. And he was a big fat liar. This is one example. So to me, every wonderful family event, every get together, every gift ever given and received- is tainted by his deception

just because he lied about whatever this current issue doesn't mean he lied about the wedding.....so basically this current issue has led you to write him off. It almost sounds like someone......scorned. I feel for your DH, now he is stuck in the middle of two people he loves and you are trying to control him and what he says. I think the simple responses to BIL's questions are fine, let it go.

 

[arminnie]

It's interesting that so many of you think that forgiveness is the answer. Somethings in my mind are just not forgiveable - child pornography and pedophelia for example.

Some friends of mine were awakened early in the morning hours with an army of police and FBI officers surrounding the house across the street from them. Their neighbor was into some BAD stuff with a child pornography ring.

If that were my relative, in-law, friend, work cohort, etc. I would NEVER be able to forgive and forget. He would be lucky if cutting off all ties would be the only thing I wanted to cut off.

Maybe this BIL really does deserve to be ostracized.

 

[N.Bailey]

It's interesting that so many of you think that forgiveness is the answer. Somethings in my mind are just not forgiveable - child pornography and pedophelia for example.

Some friends of mine were awakened early in the morning hours with an army of police and FBI officers surrounding the house across the street from them. Their neighbor was into some BAD stuff with a child pornography ring.

If that were my relative, in-law, friend, work cohort, etc. I would NEVER be able to forgive and forget. He would be lucky if cutting off all ties would be the only thing I wanted to cut off.

Maybe this BIL really does deserve to be ostracized.

That well may be, but you can't come here and ask us to speculate and expect us to have the ability to reach any sort of informed opinion based on that speculation. It's downright impossible and IMO, absurd.

Knowing what I know (and that's not much), I think the OP is way off the deep end. My opinion may change 180 degrees if the facts came to light, but since that's not going to happen, neither will my opinion be changing based on every possible scenario I can think of that would even attempt to make sense of all this.

To be frankly honest, I just didn't "get" what the issue was with the wedding, either. It sounded like she wanted to run off and get married, and after speaking with the soon to be BIL decided to give in an let hubby have the wedding he always wanted? Where is the logic here? Why was that based on lies and deception? Lies and deception would only enter the equation, IMO, if it was on the part of DH, not her BIL. It just makes no sense at all to me. I find it almost insulting that she chose to listen to her soon to be BIL (at the time) about the type of wedding she was willing to have. It's along the lines of, who cares what my future husband wanted, this is what my future BIL wanted. Now it's all based on lies? Please, explain what logical explanation you can come up with? Perhaps there is one, but I'm unable to think of anything acceptable.

 

[N.Bailey]

As to how it affects me or is my business- because of trust issues in my family of origin, I have had probably only 6 people in my entire life that I would call REAL friends- people that I trust unequivocally. BIL knew this and was one of these people. I had confided in him, over 12 years or so of friendship, about some very personal things. For example, the only other extended fight DH and I have ever had was that I wanted to have a destination wedding or just get married at the courthouse, while DH wanted a traditional wedding. We could NOT agree. BIL gave me this speech about family, and how important it was, and how hurt people would be, blah blah blah, and I relented. At the same time, he was taking part in the lies I've been referencing. So I gave up the wedding I wanted, because I trusted him and listened to him. And he was a big fat liar. This is one example. So to me, every wonderful family event, every get together, every gift ever given and received- is tainted by his deception

Bumping this up because it was what I was referencing.

The OP gave up her dream wedding at the county courthouse because of something her future BIL said to her? Her husband's wishes of a traditional wedding didn't seem to matter until the future BIL weighed in and that was based on lies and deception?

 

[Jennasis]

I have no problem with you wishing to dissociate with your DBIL. It's a choice I wish I was strong enough to make regarding a family member who wronged me in the past in the most abhorent way imaginable...that said:

Yes, you are being unreasonable in your demands of your husband. He sounds like he is doing his best to keep you out of the conversation with his brother with short to-the-point answers to your BIL questions about you. As others have said, you cannot choose words for your husband. He is an adult. I would recommend, going forward, that you tell DH to NOT tell you about ANY conversations he has with his brother. That's probably the best way to handle it...out of sight out of mind.

Good luck.

 

[N.Bailey]

It's interesting that so many of you think that forgiveness is the answer. Somethings in my mind are just not forgiveable - child pornography and pedophelia for example.

Some friends of mine were awakened early in the morning hours with an army of police and FBI officers surrounding the house across the street from them. Their neighbor was into some BAD stuff with a child pornography ring.

If that were my relative, in-law, friend, work cohort, etc. I would NEVER be able to forgive and forget. He would be lucky if cutting off all ties would be the only thing I wanted to cut off.

Maybe this BIL really does deserve to be ostracized.

IMO, and this is just to clarify, if this is the type of activity that's going on and the OP doesn't phone the police herself, I think she'd be equally as culpable. I can see why she wouldn't spill that on a thread like this, but I don't think she'd turn a blind eye (legally speaking) to such behavior.

I would hope everyone on this entire board would take it upon themselves to phone authorities to protect any child and I have no reason to believe that anyone would just look the other way.

 

[tasha99]

Child pornography and pedophelia are illegal. If it's an affair, it's probably complicated and none of the OP's business. I think it's unreasonable to control what her husband says, even if she doesn't approve. It's totally reasonable to ask him to limit responses to things like "she's doing better" or "fine" etc. because detailed medical info should be as private as she wants it to be.