Am I being unreasonable?

[mrsklamc]

You can cut him out of YOUR life but it has to be your DH's decision as to whether he wants to cut him out of his life. It's his brother. He loves him and wants to help him. That's very understandable.

Which on the one hand, is why I feel I can say "Don't talk about me." On the other hand, well, we did agree to join our lives. Then there are holidays, etc...so off to counseling it is for us.

 

[Boxley]

It kind of seems like you are making your husband choose between you or his brother.

 

[NikitaZee]

Which on the one hand, is why I feel I can say "Don't talk about me." On the other hand, well, we did agree to join our lives. Then there are holidays, etc...so off to counseling it is for us.

This is a difficult position to be in. I am in the same position as your DH - my husband has asked me not to mention him or anything about our life as a family to a family member we're having issues with (my family member). I respect his feelings, and try to follow his wishes, but it's not always possible - and it puts me in the middle and makes it awkward for me. Not him so much - he just avoids her altogether - but I can't always do that. His wishes - although I understand and respect them - make things harder for me. It's not easy.

 

[mrsklamc]

It kind of seems like you are making your husband choose between you or his brother.

I only asked that *I* not be a topic of their conversation. I don't see that as forcing him to choose.

Oh and since someone asked, no, we don't live in the same house- not even the same state.

 

[Boxley]

I only asked that *I* not be a topic of their conversation. I don't see that as forcing him to choose.

Oh and since someone asked, no, we don't live in the same house- not even the same state.

Yeah, but its almost as if the animosity you have towards your BIL is implied and I don't see what the problem is if your BIL is asking about your health.

 

[mrsklamc]

Yeah, but its almost as if the animosity you have towards your BIL is implied and I don't see what the problem is if your BIL is asking about your health.

Oh it's not implied it's said forthrightly. - I'll say it straight out, to his face, but DH doesn't want me to.

And he is only asking about my health to try and get into DH's good graces- and I don't want to be used that way.

 

[mumom95]

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable, and I'm someone who can't stand my BIL, so normally I would take your side.

I can understand you not wanting your BIL to know specifics, but a general "she's fine" or "she's not feeling the best" as an ice breaker between your DH and BIL really doesn't affect you. There is probably some tension between them now anyway, so this may be a way of helping ease that tension.

If it bothers you that much just tell your DH to never mention to you what he talks to his brother about. That way you'll never know so you can just live life like he doesn't exist.

 

[N.Bailey]

I am sorry that you have cancer and I truly hope you're able to overcome that.

I really don't think anyone here can really weigh in with an honest opinion without having all the facts; which you obviously do not want to share. How can we say you're being paranoid, spiteful, or whatever, when we don't know the circumstance?

Reading the thread however, I would have to side with the family on this one. There is nothing that I can imagine that's happened in the life of your in-laws (BIL in this case), that makes you more angry and hurt than his bio family. I'm going to assume that you've never had a love affair with this guy (which IMO might explain your feelings), but aside from that, I'm just not seeing it and you're obviously not sharing it.

So, given the tiny amount that we know, yes I think you are overreacting and are wanting to control other people in the process. In this case, that's your own husband who is probably really being hurt by the entire situation.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

I'm just asking OP truthfully - What do you care? I mean, if this guy is such a piece of junk, why do you really care? Why is he worth so much of your time and energy? So your DH says "yeah, shes doing good." What is the big deal?
I feel bad for you, because I used to be like that too. I'd get so upset over stupid things that really, had nothing to do with me, and all it did was upset my DH (like I'd get mad about something his obnoxus sister said. He never liked her, and he had learned to just tune her out, and he couldn't understand why I would get mad.)
Just focus on yourself, and get better soon. Thats the best thing for yourself, and your DH.

 

[Boxley]

Oh it's not implied it's said forthrightly. - I'll say it straight out, to his face, but DH doesn't want me to.

And he is only asking about my health to try and get into DH's good graces- and I don't want to be used that way.

I hate to say this but So what? What does whatever the brother did have to do directly with you? So what if he is asking about your health,, does it really bother you if your BIL shows concern, maybe he actually cares. If he is trying to get close to your husband (or actually his brother) how does that affect you? This is between two brothers. If he is as low as you say he is, then it is likely your husband will see that.

 

[Liberty Belle]

You ask if you're being unreasonable and it's hard to say without knowing just what your BIL has done. I'm all for forgiveness. I think it helps the forgiver just as much (if not more) than the forgivee. I just think at this time in your life you don't need all those bad feelings inside you. Forgiveness can take all that away.

 

[ReneeA]

Here's the thing. People are different...we have different personalities and react differently to different situations.

For instance, my DH holds grudges. Sometimes for years and years, and can write someone off with no problems and never speak to them again. Me? I blow up, speak my peace, and we are all good after that. I don't hold a grudge, I don't have hate in my heart, I can accept that people make really crappy choices that hurt people and forgive. I've made more than my fair share of mistakes, so I'm not gonna get hung up and punish others for theirs.

You said your BIL was your good friend before you met your DH. I'm assuming that since he lives out of state, then you don't have a ton of face to face contact with him. He probably assumes that what he's doing doesn't really affect you (cause without all the details, just the few you gave, it doesn't really sound like it is your business). When he asks about your health, I'm guessing he does care, since you were friends for so long.

This is one of those mind your own business kinda things. If you don't want to talk to BIL, then don't. Let your DH have his own relationship with his brother.

 

[hegsag]

I am sorry that you have cancer and I truly hope you're able to overcome that.

I really don't think anyone here can really weigh in with an honest opinion without having all the facts; which you obviously do not want to share. How can we say you're being paranoid, spiteful, or whatever, when we don't know the circumstance?

Reading the thread however, I would have to side with the family on this one. There is nothing that I can imagine that's happened in the life of your in-laws (BIL in this case), that makes you more angry and hurt than his bio family. I'm going to assume that you've never had a love affair with this guy (which IMO might explain your feelings), but aside from that, I'm just not seeing it and you're obviously not sharing it.

So, given the tiny amount that we know, yes I think you are overreacting and are wanting to control other people in the process. In this case, that's your own husband who is probably really being hurt by the entire situation.

This is how I feel too -- but I probably wouldn't have been able to express as good!

 

[diznygirl]

Which on the one hand, is why I feel I can say "Don't talk about me." On the other hand, well, we did agree to join our lives. Then there are holidays, etc...so off to counseling it is for us.

Is the counseling so you can learn how to let it go? Because you are expecting far too much from your husband. You can't control every aspect of his life.

Here - repeat as needed:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

Is the counseling so you can learn how to let it go? Because you are expecting far too much from your husband. You can't control every aspect of his life.

Here - repeat as needed:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

So are you saying that she doesn't need counceling if she just "finds god"???

 

[justhat]

In reading ReneeA's post, I realized that in the same sense that you don't think your health is any of your BIL's business, how is whatever he is doing (like having an affair) any of your business? If it doesn't affect you at all, then why all the hostility?

I think that if all your husband is saying is "she's doing fine today" or whatever, and you can't accept that, then you're really just trying to get your husband to incite a fight with his brother over this affair or whatever. And really, just like how you are doing isn't any of BIL's business, his private issues aren't any of yours, so you should try to let it go.

Oh, and I can see not approving of what he is doing, but to have so much hatred for him seems extreme.

 

[diznygirl]

So are you saying that she doesn't need counceling if she just "finds god"???

Holy cow, that's quite a leap!

No - take out the God part and re-read the thing - she needs to stop trying to control something she has no control over.

IMHO

 

[tiggspring]

Î have fibromyalgia and I have found for my health it is best to let things go. When people show you who they are believe them. If he has done something that decietful he probably doesn't care what you think. Mean while you are spending a lot of your precious energy being mad. He is not worth the time.as far as family goes they may feel guilty or very uncomfortable shutting him out. Do you want to be responsible for making them caught in the middle? As long as you don't have to talk to him, I say let it go for everyone involved.

 

[mumom95]

In reading ReneeA's post, I realized that in the same sense that you don't think your health is any of your BIL's business, how is whatever he is doing (like having an affair) any of your business? If it doesn't affect you at all, then why all the hostility?

.

To be fair to the OP, it sounds like her BIL has been lying to the family for quite some time, so it does affect her, which then makes it her business. Plus, if it is something like an affair, maybe she is close to his wife (her SIL) and the pain it is putting her through maybe also be causing the OP pain.

 

[mrsklamc]

No offense, but the counseling is so that DH and I can decide for ourselves if I am expecting too much of him.

I am familiar with the Serenity Prayer- DH and I just disagree on whether the situation is something we cannot change, or something we need to find the courage to face.

No, my BIL and I were never more than friends, and I did not know him prior to knowing my husband, I was friends with BOTH of them for years before DH and I ever got together, and I was never interested in BIL.