Am I being unreasonable? (warning: LONG!)

[disykat]

Ignore her. Obviously the rest of you are being reasonable, she isn't.

 

[badblackpug]

You're not unreasonable. One weeks notice isn't enough to plan a trip that long, or costly.

I would send a card and a gift, and be done with it.

Does your husband really plan to try to go, or did he tell his mother "we will see what we can do" just to shut her up? I'm thinking it was the latter, but if he really does plan on attending I would let him go alone. No way I would pack and either fly or drive 12 hours with a 3 month old for an overnight trip.

 

[Imzadi]

Tell your husband to keep quiet and not worry about it. When his mom calls, just say 'we're still working on it, we really would llike to come' and then ignore it. She will have to get over it. Neither brother are coming to your son's christening? Why the double standard? Your husband and his brothers/and you and their wives are being reasonable adults and for some reason his mother is not. Ignore her and eventually the event will come and go. Send a nice gift and a beautiful note.

"We'll see what we could do," is not the same as Yes.

As shortbun says, you can be working it out, and then not be able to go.

And if you do not want to go, then don't go, Your MIL may have your DH whipped, but that doesn't mean you have to follow suit. At some point he is going to have to be the man of your family and stand by his decisions. If he gives in here, this will be a reason why she will feel she can get him to do what she wants next time, even if she has to work him over 5 minutes longer. She knows she can break him. I doubt this is the first time.

 

[Anna_Marie]

I'd have your DH ask his mother to purchase the plane tickets if it is so important to her. Then I'd call her out on the fact that no one is coming to your DD's Baptism. Will she be flying them all in to?

You aren't unreasonable. She is.

This.

 

[luvsJack]

If you can't go, you can't go and there just isn't anything that can be done. Don't worry about it. Your DH should just say "sorry, mom, we just won't be able to make this one" and be done.

In her possible defense though, could it be possible that this would have been the first time the whole family was together at one time?

Not saying you should change your plans or anything, but its important to a mom to have all of her kids together sometimes. If that is the case, would it be possible for your dh to go alone? Maybe to just keep the family peace and make mil happy?

 

[Pixiedust34]

You're not being unreasonable. I'm sorry that you MIL doesn't understand all of the travel time, expense, and stress it would cause for you to be there.

 

[kirstenb1]

No you're not unreasonable. I have 5 brothers and sisters, and they live out of town. The only ones I expected to attend were teh godparents. We'd planned the date months ahead, so everyone invited had plenty of notice.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Based on her reaction you can see that this is important to the MIL. Since it will be to much for the whole family to fly or drive out, just tell your husband to go alone. Of the MIL's word/actions were wrong. Look beyond what she did and focus on why she did it.

 

[MIGrandma]

This is another example of when a MIL should keep her mouth shut.

No, you are not being unreasonable, she is.

 

[Allison]

Ignore her.

 

[Pigeon]

You aren't being unreasonable at all. Your dh needs to tell her to mind her own business and stay out of it.

 

[luvmy3]

Nope, not being unreasonable at all.

I don't know what type of relationship you have with your MIL normally but I would be bothered by the fact that my dh didn't put her in her place. If he is telling her we will work on it because he feels he can't stand up to her, is he going to blame we or you when it comes time to tell her its definitely no? If this is going to fall on your shoulders, I'd tell dh just to go himself to keep the peace.

 

[mjkacmom]

Nope, not at all. My sister flew in from Chicago for my oldest's baptism (she is her Godmother, and she was single at the time), I flew into Chicago for her oldest's baptism (I am the Godmother). It was planned months in advance. I went on to have 4 more children, she went on to have 2 more, and we both sent each other's kids cards and checks. She has missed 3 First Communions, soon to be 5, and a Confirmation, and I will miss my God daughter's First Communion (she is also Godmother to my twins).

 

[LaurenLC]

Thanks for all the replies! I really didn't think that I was being unreasonable, but you know after awhile it's easy to start second guessing yourself! I thought a bit more about this last night and I think there are two real underlying issues at hand.

1. I think my mother-in-law really wants to see her grand-daughter again. We have gone to Pennsylvania 5 times to see them in her little life and my in-laws have come to see her twice. The last time we were there my husband mentioned to his mother that they probably won't be seeing Brynn till her baptism at Easter (end of April) unless they want to come out to Chicago in March. Driving/flying aren't terrible, but a baby makes things more interesting and we've gone out there A LOT.

2. We're taking our daughter to see my family in Texas for a week in March and I think she's a little jealous. With that being said we have NEVER taken her to Texas, my family has always come to see us here and they are dying to show her off to their friends. We planned this trip months ago, and purchased tickets months ago.

I don't doubt that our nephew's baptism is important to my mother-in-law; I just think it's being used as an excuse for a visit.

I asked my husband last night if he wanted to go alone (as many of you suggested) and he didn't really think that would solve anything because he too thinks it's about seeing Brynn. I also told him that this situation was going to be his to deal with and he agreed. I do think his answer though is going to be calling his dad and asking for help!

Again, thank you for all of your responses. I went ahead and answered a few more specific questions below.

No, you're not being unreasonable at all.



And are they getting the same whining treatment from your MIL?

I honestly hope not. We live far away and we understand that sometimes people aren't going to be able to make family things for us.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

Just curious but how long have they known the date? Whenever I want people who are traveling long distances to come to an event for our family, I give as much notice as possible. This seems like a very short amount of time to expect people who live far away to attend.

I honestly don't know and really didn't think it fair to ask them. If the parents had gotten upset we would have.

No, you're not being unreasonable. BTW, will MIL be at your daughter's baptism?

Yes.

Nope, you're not being unreasonalble, your MIL is ! Personally I think 2 wks is very short notice to expect someone to drop everything and fly or drive 12 hrs. to a baptism. Altho I realize baptisms are very special, sounds like you've been a very loving aunt and involved to have seen your nephew and family twice in last 2 mos. Best MIL realizes now, she doesn't call the shots, you and DH have a family and life also, there will be many family functions you may not be able to attend, but you'll be with them in spirit . BTW ~ your daughter, Brynn's, siggie pix are adorable xo's.

Thanks! We like her!

ETA: Whoever mentioned a gift; it's already in the mail!

 

[shaylyn]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. That is a lot of travel and expense on your part.

That being said, do you think your MIL might be looking at this weekend as a sort of "mini reunion" with the whole family gathering together?

It is hard on MIL's when their kids grow up and move away. I think she is sad that you and Dh will not be there, but it's coming out as anger.

 

[luvsJack]

Thanks for all the replies! I really didn't think that I was being unreasonable, but you know after awhile it's easy to start second guessing yourself! I thought a bit more about this last night and I think there are two real underlying issues at hand.

1. I think my mother-in-law really wants to see her grand-daughter again. We have gone to Pennsylvania 5 times to see them in her little life and my in-laws have come to see her twice. The last time we were there my husband mentioned to his mother that they probably won't be seeing Brynn till her baptism at Easter (end of April) unless they want to come out to Chicago in March. Driving/flying aren't terrible, but a baby makes things more interesting and we've gone out there A LOT.

2. We're taking our daughter to see my family in Texas for a week in March and I think she's a little jealous. With that being said we have NEVER taken her to Texas, my family has always come to see us here and they are dying to show her off to their friends. We planned this trip months ago, and purchased tickets months ago.

I don't doubt that our nephew's baptism is important to my mother-in-law; I just think it's being used as an excuse for a visit.

I asked my husband last night if he wanted to go alone (as many of you suggested) and he didn't really think that would solve anything because he too thinks it's about seeing Brynn. I also told him that this situation was going to be his to deal with and he agreed. I do think his answer though is going to be calling his dad and asking for help!

If that is it (bolded), just be happy in the thought that she really loves her beautiful granddaughter and don't worry about it.

MIL's are the one subset of people that can still be all lumped into one pile here on the dis, as it is assumed that we/they are all daughters of satan, but yours sounds like a nice lady that loves her family. Its hard when family is strewn around the country (no one's fault, but still hard).

I am lucky that I get to see my dgd (and her sister due any day!) every day. I can only imagine if she lived 12 hours away!

You are not being unreasonable at all, and your mil probably realizes that. Maybe if you can start telling her when you will be able to visit again it will make her feel better?

 

[bellebud]

I'd handle this one of two ways...

I'd have dh call his mom and state to her that of course he doesn't expect his brothers/families to come to your babies baptism, and you're all ok w/ it, just as his bros are ok that you guys cannot make it to theirs. "We all do what we can mom, when we can, and all of us brothers are ok with it. Sorry it's not what you would have liked. Now I need you to stop bothering me about it or I won't pick up the phone when I see your number".

OR... I'd go w/ the "we're really, really, really working on it mom ... we're keeping our fingers crossed mom ... we're really trying mom " (etc, etc), but only saying this to mil. Make sure dh talks to bro and lets him know the real deal, and you're just appeasing mom cause she's being a pain in the rear (I'm sure his bro will understand that).

You guys know which will work better for future family relations (and this only applies to relations w/ mil - since bros are all on the same page).

 

[dismom2]

I don't think you should be expected to do all that traveling on short notice. You can be there 'in spirit' and send a nice gift.

 

[Lionqueen2]

I'd handle this one of two ways...

I'd have dh call his mom and state to her that of course he doesn't expect his brothers/families to come to your babies baptism, and you're all ok w/ it, just as his bros are ok that you guys cannot make it to theirs. "We all do what we can mom, when we can, and all of us brothers are ok with it. Sorry it's not what you would have liked. Now I need you to stop bothering me about it or I won't pick up the phone when I see your number".
OR... I'd go w/ the "we're really, really, really working on it mom ... we're keeping our fingers crossed mom ... we're really trying mom " (etc, etc), but only saying this to mil. Make sure dh talks to bro and lets him know the real deal, and you're just appeasing mom cause she's being a pain in the rear (I'm sure his bro will understand that).

You guys know which will work better for future family relations (and this only applies to relations w/ mil - since bros are all on the same page).

I like this approach. It shows thought and love for family while still remaining firm with MIL.

 

[Art 1]

You are not being unreasonable, it would be unreasonable of anyone who could not understand the how difficult it would be for you to make that trip.

I would mail them a $100 for a gift and forget about it.