Am I being too harsh?

[vhoffman]

We have two kids, ds9 & dd10.

I have a very strict rule that they do not turn on the oven or stove. Period. Not even with adult supervision. We do it. They can use the microwave, but its my rule that they do not turn on the oven/stove. That's my rule!

Well, recently they started helping me make cakes and other baked goodies. They can make a cake from a box, and, after a few tries under supervision, I let them make the cake without our supervision. That is, they can mix the ingredients without supervision, they can use the cake mixer with adult supervision, but they do NOT turn on the oven.

Tonight they asked if they could make a cake. I restated the rules to them--mix the ingredients, then use the mixer with either dh or me supervising, but I explicity told them NOT to turn on the oven. We would do that. Well, I went into the kitchen and found the oven turned on, and practically up to broiling--500 degrees! I wondered why it was getting so warm in the house! I asked them why they had turned on the oven when told not to. They both grinned and acted like it was a big joke, and, of course, each blamed the other. I turned off the oven and threw away the cake batter. I also threw away several boxes of cake mix and frosting. They immediately started crying--they were looking forward to the cake. Well, I said they had broken my rules, so they could not have the cake. I also threw away the remaining box mixes. I was afraid they would decide to bake another cake when we were not supervising and could not be trusted not to turn on the oven.

When they were younger I removed the knobs from the gas stove so they couldn't play with it. But I really think they're old enough now to understand and obey rules. DH thinks I'm being too harsh, he says I should not have thrown away the cake mix, perhaps kept it and baked it tomorrow. I felt I had to make my point known in no uncertain terms. Accidents happen in the kitchen frequently. Kids need adult supervision. If they don't follow the rules, they can't play the game!

 

[Miss Jessr!ca]

hmm well i think maybe its a little harsh.
up untill i was like 15 i wasnt allowed to use the oven/stove when my parents wernt home. (im 16 now)


if i might, could i suggest an alternative?
you should teach them how to properly use it, and explain to them what could happen if they messed it up, and what to do in case of an emergancy. for the first couple of times let them turn it on, but you stay and watch. after you feel comfortable with them doing it on their own have them ask you if they can use the oven, so at lest your informed and could check in to make sure their doing it properly. but still make it so they cant use it when your not around.(like not home, or sleeping ext.)

thats what i would do.

 

[vhoffman]

The whole point is, they broke my rules. My rules are for a reason, obviously, to keep them safe.

I figure they can mix the ingredients without direct supervision, after all, the worse they could do is make a mess! They can use the mixer, but with adult supervision. My mother had a friend who got her hand caught in a mixer, severed a tendon! Of course, that was years ago and most appliances have more built-in safety devices, but the greatest safety device is proper usage. I don't want them using the mixer unless an adult is supervising.

My rule is not too touch the oven or stove. I'm afraid they'll get over confident and decide to bake something while we're either sleeping or in another part of the house and not know the oven is on. When I was a teenager the house next door to me burned down with a mother and 5 year old trapped inside. The cause of the fire was determined to be a smoldering cigarette, not a stove, but the horror of it stays with me to this day. The kitchen is not a playground, accidents can happen there, I will determine when they're old enough and responsible enough to use the oven. Until then, they obey my rules! I realize I was being harsh, I wanted to make my point stick!

 

[Miss Jessr!ca]

thats understandable. they broke the rules, and they should get punished for that. theirs no getting around that.

i was just making a small suggestion.

my cousin was making his own dinners at the age of 7, when his mom would leave him home alone (she was a terrible mom).

but enev if you dont teach them how to use the oven i would suggest at least teaching them what to do in case of an emergency of that sort.

 

[caribbound]

I understand your stand on "a rule is a rule and needs to be followed". I think it was great that you dumped out the batter, especially if they were giggling about breaking the rule (maybe). I personally wouldn't have dumped the others because it seems a waste of food/money, but you know your kids best.

I would explain to them why you are afraid, the story of your neighbor's house burning down with people inside. REal life examples are much more powerful then anything we dumb moms might say for their own good.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I totally understand where you are coming from (fire is one of my biggest fears)- but- I do think it was a little harsh. I think if maybe you cancelled tonight's cake making activites and explained to them why that would have been better. Kids often don't get how serious a situation can be. I also agree that the rules are the rules, but I do think kids deserve an explanation beyond - because I said so- even if that means being a little graphic in this case to let them know how serious it is. Again- I totally understand where you are coming from and it is infuriating when they just laugh when we are serious. Good luck and I hope it all works out.

 

[vhoffman]

also, my father was a safety engineer for a construction company, so I was brought up to respect safety rules at all times. However, I can't seem to instill the same respect for safety as my dad could.

What got me the most was the kids giggling when I confronted them about turning on the oven. DS then proceeded to twrill the dial for the oven temp around with a grin, like it was all some sort of joke or game. In my opinion, they're not ready yet to be allowed to operate what could be dangerous equipment. They need a few more years maturity. Also, just yesterday, dd brushed against the lit burner wearing a loose blouse. She didn't catch fire, but it was way too close a call. Its for that very reason I don't allow them to use the stovetop, they just don't get the safety rules yet--don't wear long sleeves, loose fitting clothes such as a robe, etc., around an open flame.

Here's another rule of mine--laugh all you want but everyone in my home, including dh, wears safety goggles while frying or cooking in oil. Many years ago I had a friend who was an ER nurse. She told me about a particularly tragic story. A lady was brought in the ER with both eyes severly burned from grease splatters. Apparently she was frying bacon and the grease spattered and hit both her eyes at once, directly in the center, or pupil. They didn't know at that point if she would lose her sight. I never did hear the conclusion. Think of how grease splatters, its quite possible to splatter in your eyes. I don't care how it looks, everyone wears safety goggles while cooking with oil or grease in my home!

 

[va32h]

I wouldn't have thrown out boxes of unopened cake mix or frosting - that part struck me as excessive, and a waste of perfectly good cake mix.

Do the children understand that they are not supposed to turn on the oven because it could overheat or they could burn themselves or is the only reason they've been given "because mom said not to"?

My 10yo daughter loves to help me cook, and I feel I could trust her to turn on the oven, but she is afraid to open the door or put anything into it or take anything out of it because she burned herself once on a hot cookie sheet. I'm not suggesting you let the kids get burned to teach them a lesson, of course! But because she had that experience, she became much more cautious around the stove.

 

[graygables]

I also think it's harsh. They are never going to learn if you don't teach them, side by side. I was preparing full meals for my family by 10yo. At 8yo, my brothers and dad were asking me to bake cookies b/c they didn't like my mom's. My 8yo turned on the oven for me tonight when I had my hands full. My 10yo is turning out to be an excellent cook. She has Asperger's and makes macaroni and cheese and ramen noodles independently. They know they are not to cook without permission or without a grown up in the house and we've never had an issue. 8yo still doesn't do any major cooking, but I imagine by the time she's 10, she'll make a mean pot of spaghetti, too.

I would have baked the cake, but not allowed them to have any of it, and I certainly would not have thrown out perfectly good food. If they sneaked anything, then there would be heck to pay in way of cash damages (mine have jobs aside from regular household chores that earn them money), revoked privileges, or lots of time sitting on a very lonely, quiet bed (no TV, no radio, no music, no books, S-I-T). The other thing I've done with my now 18yo bipolar is to have her shadow me. She had to follow me everywhere I went, except the bathroom where she had to wait right outside the door. You can't be trusted, you're going to stay in my presence for awhile until you realize the importance of being trusted. BTW, this was NOT cruel and unusual punishment and was actually suggested by DD's psychiatrist.

I'm thinking there may be a lot of and disrespect going on behind your back and you need to nip that in the bud before the hormones are in full swing. I'm very matter-of-fact about it and I never make a threat I will not follow through on. After 21 years of child-rearing, my kids know that I mean business b/c I've meant business each and every time. On the flip side, our rules are very fair and are in place for a reason that is made clear to DDs. And, those rules evolve as the children grow. 8yo is not allowed to attempt ramen noodles alone yet, but she certainly helps with close supervision. My DH is very Mr. Monk-ish, the kids call him Mr. Safety Man, but even he understands the need for them to learn to manage tools, household appliances, etc. With proper supervision, they will learn and, it's a lot of fun cooking together. Your kids may see it as an arbitrary rule that doesn't make sense, and when you think about it, a 10yo is fully capable of turning on an oven without incident, so they don't see what the big deal is (and, really, it isn't). Putting the cakes in and out is a whole other ball of wax that they CAN see should be an issue, but not just pushing some buttons.

BTW, whenever I've done a Mommy-Mess-Up, I apologize to my kids, let them know that even adults make mistakes, and ask them to forgive me. Those are some of the best hugs in the world.

 

[NATALIEBELLESmom]

I hope you are not to hard on your self. I think you might have been alittle harsh but you are mom and you set the rules. I would suggest that you show them what fire can do. This way they have a reference point when you tell them that those are the rules and this why. I have a 9 year old dd and she knows how to completely work the oven. I took the route that if she knew how to work things in the kitchen and they were not a forbidden item then she would have more respect and less temptation when it came to those things. As mothers all we can really do is what we think is best and hope we took the right road. Good luck and I am sure things will work out.

 

[kd5k]

rules are rules....and the kids broke one. Personally, I think your reaction was a "little" harsh also. There would have been some form of punishment for the giggling. That was wrong!! Maybe throwing out the batter they were making....but not everything else.

At their ages I think proper training is a good thing. My kids were taught how to use the microwave and toaster and "taught" they are not toys and you
DO NOT leave the roon with anything in them!!

MY dear MIL has Alzheimers and one time she tried to heat a piece of pizza for 10 minutes instead of 1 minute and started a fire in the microwave!! This happens!! Also had a naighbor who had a small kitchen fire from pop tarts that did not pop up in her toaster! You are right....accidents happen. This is where proper training, side by side, can be great.

You did ask for opinions and hope you don't get offended if we don't agree with you.

good luck!! and hugs, Deb

 

[NorthernLight]

I'll be in the minority and say you werent too harsh at all. At their ages, they are fully aware of when they are doing something they were told NOT to do.. I wouldve either pitched the batter or made the cake and given it to the kids next door.. As for the rest of the cake mixes/frostings... Perhaps a trip to the local food bank to donate the items would teach them a thing or two.

 

[mouseketeer_mom]

I can certainly see where you are coming from. I still don't think I would have tossed the cake mix boxes.

Nothing is harder than parenting. I absolute hate it when I end up second guessing myself. Would be so much easier if they came with an owners manual.

"see, it says so right here on page 4,652, paragraph 4, section A, subsection c 'if a child under 12 turns on the stove, all cake mix should be removed from the said child's home', I was strictly following the manual."

My point is, you did what you thought was best at the time. That's good enough. I don't think they will be severely emotionaly scarred over the incident. Maybe they will recognize how seriously you take fire safety and how important that is. My mother's "parenting fear" was always water. We learned that was one button you didn't push with mom or you sat on the beach all day.

 

[disneyfanfamily]

I think I would have made the cake, and when it was cool, I would have eaten it in front of them.....Since the were disobedient, they get none. Since YOU did not break any rules, you get cake. I would have also not allowed them to make any more cakes, etc. for few weeks...

I would not have thrown the boxed cakes and icing away. I do think that is a little wasteful. I am trying hard to not be wasteful and trying to teach my kids that.

But, you are the mom. Harsh? Not so much. Wasteful? A little. But the question is: Did you get your point across? And will they behave in the future about this? If they behave from now on in the kitchen, maybe what you did was what they needed..

 

[Stephres]

I always feel bad when I discipline and it results in crying, but it is necessary sometimes.

I personally wouldn't have thrown away the unopened boxes but I agree that you had to make a stand.

 

[mericletwins]

We have two kids, ds9 & dd10.

I have a very strict rule that they do not turn on the oven or stove. Period. Not even with adult supervision. We do it. They can use the microwave, but its my rule that they do not turn on the oven/stove. That's my rule!

Well, recently they started helping me make cakes and other baked goodies. They can make a cake from a box, and, after a few tries under supervision, I let them make the cake without our supervision. That is, they can mix the ingredients without supervision, they can use the cake mixer with adult supervision, but they do NOT turn on the oven.

Tonight they asked if they could make a cake. I restated the rules to them--mix the ingredients, then use the mixer with either dh or me supervising, but I explicity told them NOT to turn on the oven. We would do that. Well, I went into the kitchen and found the oven turned on, and practically up to broiling--500 degrees! I wondered why it was getting so warm in the house! I asked them why they had turned on the oven when told not to. They both grinned and acted like it was a big joke, and, of course, each blamed the other. I turned off the oven and threw away the cake batter. I also threw away several boxes of cake mix and frosting. They immediately started crying--they were looking forward to the cake. Well, I said they had broken my rules, so they could not have the cake. I also threw away the remaining box mixes. I was afraid they would decide to bake another cake when we were not supervising and could not be trusted not to turn on the oven.

When they were younger I removed the knobs from the gas stove so they couldn't play with it. But I really think they're old enough now to understand and obey rules. DH thinks I'm being too harsh, he says I should not have thrown away the cake mix, perhaps kept it and baked it tomorrow. I felt I had to make my point known in no uncertain terms. Accidents happen in the kitchen frequently. Kids need adult supervision. If they don't follow the rules, they can't play the game!

I absolutely would have thrown away the cake mix they were making, but maybe not the ones that were in the cabinets. I don't think you were too harsh at all. They knew the rule, you had just repeated it and then they didn't take it seriously when you asked them why they did it. I think you were just fine.

 

[Hannathy]

I think you were way too harsh. That is just plain wasteful to have thrown out the other mixes and does nothing but teach "I am the adult so I can do unreasonable things if I want, because I said so."

What is the magic age you are waiting for that they suddenly will be allowed to turn on the oven? Have you ever shown them the correct way? that is why I'm sure they don't know the correct temp and did their best. I just baked a cake with my 8 yr old and we read the directions together including how high to set the oven. In middle school which is quickly approaching they will turn the oven on in cooking. Teach them how to do it correctly. Knowledge is power. I understand not using it if you or your husband ( he does have some say in this) isn't home I had that rule also but by 10 my DD was turning on the oven and stove and making things pretty much on her own.

Did they giggle because they know how hyper and worked up you get? sometimes kids giggle when they get nervous and knowing how you would over-react, I would have been nervous. I doubt this would help but I also was an emergency room nurse for many years and I never saw anyone burned in the eyes from grease- no does that counter balance your friends experience and bring it back to neutral.

 

[jennifer293]

I think that was a bit much..not to mention you wasted perfectly good food. You could have baked the cake anyway and showed them what the temperature needs to be at..where to look on the box to find the correct temp setting etc. I know you want to protect your kids but you will not always be there for them into adulthood. They have to learn sometime or another..My little sister is 20 yrs old and she still can't cook without almost burning the house down and she lives in her own apartment . We just have to hope for the best and move on. (my Dh is even a firefighter) I choose not to live my life on WHAT IF'S..you obviously have a different view on things.

I can about bet you that the reason they were crying was not because they had gotten scolded and punished it is because they watched you throw out something they had worked so hard in making.

Maybe you should type up a list of guidelines to follow..step by step procedures and tape it up on a cabinet door or something..That way you still let them bake and it gives them a sense of responsibility other than constantly hearing DON'T TOUCH THE OVEN.

 

[Callie]

I dont this its harsh they broke a rule.

Maybe try teaching them how to use a over?

I know i was cooking on one by age 6...

 

[Kellyscrapbooks]

My kids are 9 & 5 and they use the oven with supervision. They know the rules, but would be properly punished for breaking them as well.
Do I think you were too harsh? I'm not sure, I wasn't in your house while it happened. Would I have thrown out their cake mix..almost definatly! Would I have thrown out all the other cake mixes in the house? Probably not, but hey, if you made your point about rules then it was effective.
That being said.. sometimes as parents we make mistakes too, I know I've been harsher than I wanted to be at times.... it's ok.