Am I being selfish, immature or unreasonable?

[GJM]

I would plan a trip without him, if you want take your kids to Disney or go to Vegas with a friend.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It is selfish. You want to do something for you.

BUT it's okay to be selfish sometimes. This is one of those times. We always look at being selfish as such a bad thing, it has a real negative connotation. I think it does only if you do it all the time. You obviously don't. I also think women, mothers especially, forget that it's okay to be selfish.

I know you alluded to this later in your post, but just to clarify for the OP herself, she's not being selfish.

Main Entry: self·ish
Pronunciation: \ˈsel-fish\
Function: adjective
Date: 1640

1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others <a selfish act>

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/selfish

She simply wants to celebrate her milestone birthday.

 

[antmaril]

So let me get this straight. Your husband gets:
1. to pick the restaurants
2. to not have to do anniversaries
3. to not have had to pay for a honeymoon
4. to pick his birthday celebration
5. to make the decision that he doesn't like people/messes at the house so you don't entertain
6. to pick a yearly beach vacation that you don't like
7. to go on a yearly boys trip
8. season tickets to football
9. to decide how you spend money (house repair is more important than your birthday because HE thinks so)

You know what...I'd be going on a birthday trip and leaving him home. Do you have a girlfriend who might be interested in a Vegas weekend? How long have you been married and putting up with this crap?

I agree with this 100%. Go with a girlfriend and have a good time.

 

[horseshowmom]

I am turning 40 this month. I've never cared about an age before but honestly this one is a bit annoying!

Anyway, I told him in Jan that I really wanted to do something for my birthday this year. I wanted to do a wine tour, vegas or something but this was a big one and I really wanted to celebrate.

So I've been reminding him.

We have nothing planned. Now he is asking if I really expect something expensive for my birthday since we have done the beach already and have been doing upgrades to the house. The house projects are all his idea and honestly were NOT needed. He makes me feel like I am being selfish wanting to spend money on my own birthday.

Am I being selfish? Should a 40 year old even care about her birthday?

I would tell him exactly what you said (in a calm, rational manner). If he brings up the dog, remind him that the dog wasn't bought for you. This is your birthday (and even if it wasn't, it's something you really want), and you have a right to do something you want to do once in awhile.

Print out the info on that Vegas trip you want.. Hand it to him and say, "This is what I really, really want for my birthday.." If he says no, book it with a friend (on his dime) and go without him..

I'm with you!

 

[sbell111]

These threads are hilarious. A person pops in and gives part of one side to a story and then everyone foams at the mouth over the drama.

To the OP: If you have an issue with your marriage, sit down and talk to your husband about it. You will find no resolution to your life's problems in here. Internet strangers merely feed on the angst. They do not have your best interests at heart. Many of them think they do, but since they go off on a tear without knowing everything about a situation, it is very dangerous to take any advice that you find in here.

It appears that you found yourself in a different role in your relationship than you expected, but haven't really done much about it over the years. We can't help you. Have a real conversation with your husband if you don't like your situation.

 

[mtdevine615]

Well DW for her 30th birthday went to the resort and spa with her girlfriends. It's what she wanted and that's what she got. I really don't think she wanted me around because that one hit her pretty hard. She said it was one of the best vacations she has ever had. Doesn't hurt my feelings in the least that I wasn't there and she had a good time. I take golf vacations with the guys at least once a year so why not her. I say book the trip and if he doesn't want to go ask a girlfriend. For some reason she was fine with turning 40 and when she turned 50 this year she couldn't hardly wait. Guess she wanted those AARP discounts.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

If Homeslice was my husband, he'd be on the receiving end of a very large bill for the fattest, tackiest, gaudiest, knuckle-to-knuckle 40th celebratory ring sitting atop my hand that shines so much he'd cringe everytime he saw it.

Then I'd book a trip, take his credit card --- and leave him at home to wonder what the heck just happened.



But then again, I'm bratty that way.



Jo

I love that idea, Jo!

 

[sbell111]

To those of you who suggest that she should just book a trip or buy herself a lavish present, perhaps you might consider that you have no idea what their finances are. Plus many (most?) marriages consider big purchases to be group decisions. Suggesting that she go blow a bunch of cash could certainly place her in a bigger mess than she is already in, on a number of levels.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

These threads are hilarious. A person pops in and gives part of one side to a story and then everyone foams at the mouth over the drama.

To the OP: If you have an issue with your marriage, sit down and talk to your husband about it. You will find no resolution to your life's problems in here. Internet strangers merely feed on the angst. They do not have your best interests at heart. Many of them think they do, but since they go off on a tear without knowing everything about a situation, it is very dangerous to take any advice that you find in here.

It appears that you found yourself in a different role in your relationship than you expected, but haven't really done much about it over the years. We can't help you. Have a real conversation with your husband if you don't like your situation.

First off...nice to know you find it hilarious, real kind fellow you are...

When you were on the "Moms2Be" thread, you seemed mostly cool to have around, but as of late, you seem to bash people and their thoughts or threads more than have anything constructive or friendly to say.
In the words of Jenna Rink "You're not very nice, and I don't like you". And, I know, since we are just 'internet people' you don't care. But, I feel better for having said it

 

[DisneyBlonde]

When it's my birthday, I get to pick the restaurant. If I wanted to do something more special, I would say so because my DH wouldn't likely come up with something on his own. And if I did make a request, he would go along with it unless he really had a reason not to.

Your Dh is being inflexible, imo.

 

[mtemm]

Have been thinking about you since I read your initial post, and wanted to share something.

my 40th birthday was 2 years ago, and I wasn't dreading it, but I did want to do something big for it. we were also set to celebrate our 10th anniversary that year, so my husband and I talked about going away somewhere great to celebrate both (I love to travel, and would prefer going somewhere to having a big party). we had never done a carribean beach type vacation, so he told me to research something and we'd do it.

so I did. I had fun researching and had it narrowed down to a couple of places, about 2 months before my birthday. that's when I discovered my husband was having an affair.

i am NOT saying your husand is having an affair. be very clear about that.

what I am saying is I was devastated, and I was a wreck. But I also knew my birthday was STILL important to me, and I really wanted to make it special for me, with or without him. I realized I needed to take control and do something for myself.

so I did.

I didn't plan a romantic beach vacation. we definitely were NOT in that place. I did, however, plan a week for myself in florida at one of my very best friend's house. I thought I would spend the week crying on her shoulder, because that's pretty much what my life consisted of at that point. but I didn't. I had a GREAT week. we didn't do much...floated in her pool, gabbed, drank some yummy cocktails, shopped, etc. On my actual birthday we went out for a wonderful dinner (at yachtsman steakhouse, thanks to her living so close!) and spent the evening strolling around the boardwalk.

was it the 40th birthday I originally wanted? nope. but it was fantastic because I took control of it myself. I made it what I wanted/needed it to be.

the last 2 years have been really hard for me...lots of ups and downs. DH and I separated for a year, and we have been reconciled for a year. but even though that was one of the hardest times in my life, it was also one of my favorite birthdays. yes, I missed him, but I was so happy that I made the best of it. I think back to it fondly, instead of sadly thinking I had missed out.

so my point (and sorry its been long in coming), is to take control of what YOU want. Life is short, don't look back and wish you had done it differently.

 

[Freyja]

So let me get this straight. Your husband gets:
1. to pick the restaurants
2. to not have to do anniversaries
3. to not have had to pay for a honeymoon
4. to pick his birthday celebration
5. to make the decision that he doesn't like people/messes at the house so you don't entertain
6. to pick a yearly beach vacation that you don't like
7. to go on a yearly boys trip
8. season tickets to football
9. to decide how you spend money (house repair is more important than your birthday because HE thinks so)

You know what...I'd be going on a birthday trip and leaving him home. Do you have a girlfriend who might be interested in a Vegas weekend? How long have you been married and putting up with this crap?

My thoughts exactly.
TELL him you´re going to Vegas to celebrate. TELL him he can come along if he wants to and is willing to be a fun travel buddy. TELL him otherwise you will bring a girlfriend along and he WILL stay home and watch the kids.

 

[ericamanda01]

My thoughts exactly.
TELL him you´re going to Vegas to celebrate. TELL him he can come along if he wants to and is willing to be a fun travel buddy. TELL him otherwise you will bring a girlfriend along and he WILL stay home and watch the kids.

I have to agree, when you ASK he does nothing. Well I would TELL him for YOUR birthday you are leaving him and the kids and having a girls trip.

PS I hope you have a great birthday!

 

[Buckalew11]

Since there is more going on that just your b-day AND you have small children. Tell him you want a trip away AND marriage counseling. That should get his attention.

Sometimes if couples don't want to go away together I wonder if they are avoiding things. Just a thought. Of course, I'm the type that would go away anywhere, anytime my DH asked or planned. And he'd be happy he did.

 

[Piglet4Ever]

Go with your girlfriends and leave him home

I second this idea!!

 

[C.Ann]

I am turning 40 this month. I've never cared about an age before but honestly this one is a bit annoying!

DH is not a romantic kind of person, at ALL. We have never celebrated my bday beyond going to dinner. Now we never have gone to a big dinner, he usually picks as we are heading there. I'll suggest tons of places but he will never commit to a time or place so ressies are hard.

We didn't take a honeymoon and don't celebrate anniversaries other than dinner, same as above!

For his 30th, I rented out a park and threw a big surprise party. he was thrilled. However normally his bday is celebrated at a football game, totally his choice. Or labor day picnics. He doesn't like having people over at our house, he doesn't like messes.

Anyway, I told him in Jan that I really wanted to do something for my birthday this year. I wanted to do a wine tour, vegas or something but this was a big one and I really wanted to celebrate.

So I've been reminding him. Every year we do a family vaca to the beach with college friends and their families. He knows I am not thrilled with the beach they pick, the accomodations or in general going there instead of Disney but I do it. He also goes on a boys trip every year with his college buds. He also has season tickets for football, i do not want to go to the games.

We have nothing planned. Now he is asking if I really expect something expensive for my birthday since we have done the beach already and have been doing upgrades to the house. The house projects are all his idea and honestly were NOT needed. He makes me feel like I am being selfish wanting to spend money on my own birthday.

I found packages to Vegas for cheap. My parents are begging us to let them have the kids a few days and this would be perfect.

Am I being selfish? Should a 40 year old even care about her birthday?

well if I did what I really really wanted I'd leave him home and take the 2 kiddos to Disney!

However, I'm a total planner so I don't want a spur of the moment disney trip. I have told him for the last 2 years we are not doing the beach trip much longer. Luckily this years trip was not his favorite and the kids are really expecting Disney next year.

I have told him a few times and we started to plan a Vegas trip. But then he decided we should get my DD a puppy for her bday. Guess who is stuck taking care of it?! So now he says it is my present since it is clearly my dog.

I just pulled info for Vegas and am going to show it to him tonight.

Someone else called it, it isn't so much I want this birthday to be a big deal, it is that I want something to be a big deal that isn't HIM.

I do work outside the home. I cook, clean, run the kids to sports, etc. He doesn't even make his own doc apts.

Yes, there is a lot more going on than just a birthday.

Sounds like there has been quite a bit of talking going on - but evidently the "DH" side isn't listening..

Finances don't seem to be a problem when it comes to what he wants to do - or buy.. I still stand by my original post.. Print out the info for the Vegas trip, make it perfectly clear that this is what she wants for her birthday (not DD's dog - which has now somehow become HER birthday present) - and if he says no, book it anyhow and take a friend - on his dime.. He has no problem buying season tickets for games, now does he?

These threads are hilarious. A person pops in and gives part of one side to a story and then everyone foams at the mouth over the drama.

To the OP: If you have an issue with your marriage, sit down and talk to your husband about it. You will find no resolution to your life's problems in here. Internet strangers merely feed on the angst. They do not have your best interests at heart. Many of them think they do, but since they go off on a tear without knowing everything about a situation, it is very dangerous to take any advice that you find in here.

It appears that you found yourself in a different role in your relationship than you expected, but haven't really done much about it over the years. We can't help you. Have a real conversation with your husband if you don't like your situation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

These threads are hilarious. A person pops in and gives part of one side to a story and then everyone foams at the mouth over the drama.

To the OP: If you have an issue with your marriage, sit down and talk to your husband about it. You will find no resolution to your life's problems in here. Internet strangers merely feed on the angst. They do not have your best interests at heart. Many of them think they do, but since they go off on a tear without knowing everything about a situation, it is very dangerous to take any advice that you find in here.

It appears that you found yourself in a different role in your relationship than you expected, but haven't really done much about it over the years. We can't help you. Have a real conversation with your husband if you don't like your situation.

I do not think that this thread is hilarious...
And, I do not see most people foaming at the mouth and going on a tear.

The OP asked if she were being selfish and unreasonable.
Everyone here seems to be in agreement that she is not.

The OP made several direct statements that would indicate that her husband may be selfish, inflexible, or controlling.

I think it is only right for some of us to address that possibility.

People have mentioned that she may need to be more assertive.
People have mentioned that she may need to communicate with her husband.
People have posted their personal similar experiences with their husbands.

The OP has obviously had some conversation with her husband...
So, I also do not see where you are assuming that she has not.

Everything posted here has been reasonable.

 

[Wishing on a star]

so my point (and sorry its been long in coming), is to take control of what YOU want. Life is short, don't look back and wish you had done it differently.

BEST post on this entire thread.

OP, re-read this part!

 

[Nancyg56]

To those of you who suggest that she should just book a trip or buy herself a lavish present, perhaps you might consider that you have no idea what their finances are. Plus many (most?) marriages consider big purchases to be group decisions. Suggesting that she go blow a bunch of cash could certainly place her in a bigger mess than she is already in, on a number of levels.

I am surprised that you feel that the OP is less deserving than her husband when it comes to financial decisions. It is possible to plan a trip without blowing the bank and if it comes down to making a choice between two vacations destinations, as it did in her case, I see no reason why her request cannot be honored one time . For one special event in her life. Perhaps taking precedence over the purchase of a dog. Just once.
The Op just wanted one trip to be about her, not the entire family vacationing to a place that she has no interest in and no desire to go to. She did not ask for an opulent expensive vacation.

These threads are hilarious. A person pops in and gives part of one side to a story and then everyone foams at the mouth over the drama.

WOW

It is this kind of callous response that turns people away from asking for a little support. I have not seen any over the top "dump your dh and break the bank all the while laughing on the beach drinking the savings account money and hoping that the dog is peeing on his cereal" replies. I have read a lot of people attempting to help the OP vent while she determiones how she wants to handle this. I am appalled that you are finding this hilarious. I find the comments you made meanspirited.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Go with your girlfriends and leave him home

I live in Pittsburgh too. I 'll go to Vegas with you.

And yes I do think your DH should do something special. DH took me to WDW for my 40th.