Am I being selfish, immature or unreasonable?

[princess momma]

Relationships are never 50/50 but you seemed to have gotten the very, very short end of the stick. I think you need to stand up for yourself or it will continue.

My husband is not one to do things for me either. For my 30th birthday he actually surprised me by taking me away for the weekend and making the plans all by himself (like a big boy.) Most years I barely get an acknowledgement of the big day. This year nothing again. He bought a card on the way home from work and had the kids sign it.

I've just come to realize that I need to let him know how I feel. I'm not sure it will change much but he really has no clue and it can't hurt.

And I'm sure in your case also OP, it's not just about the birthday, it's about being valued.

 

[C.Ann]

Print out the info on that Vegas trip you want.. Hand it to him and say, "This is what I really, really want for my birthday.." If he says no, book it with a friend (on his dime) and go without him..

 

[Wishing on a star]

Print out the info on that Vegas trip you want.. Hand it to him and say, "This is what I really, really want for my birthday.." If he says no, book it with a friend (on his dime) and go without him..

OMG!!!! C Ann, LOVE it!!!!
You said it all in one sentence!!!

 

[dismom2]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. A 40th birthday is a milestone, and you deserve to do something special. Your DH sounds a bit self centered, making all the decisions about everything, and not taking your feelings into consideration. I agree with another PP, if he doesn't want to do what you want to do for your birthday, go without him. Personally, I would have a long talk with him and, hopefully, things will change in the future. I hope you have a great birthday!!

I am turning 40 this month. I've never cared about an age before but honestly this one is a bit annoying!

DH is not a romantic kind of person, at ALL. We have never celebrated my bday beyond going to dinner. Now we never have gone to a big dinner, he usually picks as we are heading there. I'll suggest tons of places but he will never commit to a time or place so ressies are hard.

We didn't take a honeymoon and don't celebrate anniversaries other than dinner, same as above!

For his 30th, I rented out a park and threw a big surprise party. he was thrilled. However normally his bday is celebrated at a football game, totally his choice. Or labor day picnics. He doesn't like having people over at our house, he doesn't like messes.

Anyway, I told him in Jan that I really wanted to do something for my birthday this year. I wanted to do a wine tour, vegas or something but this was a big one and I really wanted to celebrate.

So I've been reminding him. Every year we do a family vaca to the beach with college friends and their families. He knows I am not thrilled with the beach they pick, the accomodations or in general going there instead of Disney but I do it. He also goes on a boys trip every year with his college buds. He also has season tickets for football, i do not want to go to the games.

We have nothing planned. Now he is asking if I really expect something expensive for my birthday since we have done the beach already and have been doing upgrades to the house. The house projects are all his idea and honestly were NOT needed. He makes me feel like I am being selfish wanting to spend money on my own birthday.

I found packages to Vegas for cheap. My parents are begging us to let them have the kids a few days and this would be perfect.

Am I being selfish? Should a 40 year old even care about her birthday?

 

[jeepgirl30]

well if I did what I really really wanted I'd leave him home and take the 2 kiddos to Disney!

However, I'm a total planner so I don't want a spur of the moment disney trip. I have told him for the last 2 years we are not doing the beach trip much longer. Luckily this years trip was not his favorite and the kids are really expecting Disney next year.

I have told him a few times and we started to plan a Vegas trip. But then he decided we should get my DD a puppy for her bday. Guess who is stuck taking care of it?! So now he says it is my present since it is clearly my dog.

I just pulled info for Vegas and am going to show it to him tonight.

Someone else called it, it isn't so much I want this birthday to be a big deal, it is that I want something to be a big deal that isn't HIM.

I do work outside the home. I cook, clean, run the kids to sports, etc. He doesn't even make his own doc apts.

Yes, there is a lot more going on than just a birthday.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

But then he decided we should get my DD a puppy for her bday. Guess who is stuck taking care of it?! So now he says it is my present since it is clearly my dog.

Yes, there is a lot more going on than just a birthday.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

sounds like my DH. He does nothing at all for me and I mean nothing. We don't celebrate anything. I would even pick out my own christmas present until I got sick of it and don't bother any more. He has not even noticed that I'm not opening a gift at Christmas.

SOOO for my 40th in a year and a half I am going to WDW ALL by MYSELF..yep I am I have been telling him that for 2 year now and he thinks I am going to chicken out

I would say make your own plans and have fun without him

My DBF does get me a gift for Xmas and my bday... but usually (at least for bday when stores are open) its the DAY of, so I have to watch the kids while he goes to the store... makes me feel real important that I got whatever the local Kroger had

but...what bothered me most was my 1st Mothers Day with him... Granted, his first child, maybe he didnt' know better, but I got nothing..not even a "Happy Mothers Day". My ex and my older girls got me a card and flowers, as well as a card from my DS (who belongs to my DBF, not ExDH)...
My DBF saw how upset I was the next day and swore he learned.
Year later... we have baby #2!!.. Mothers Day... nothing. That evening, he says he's going to go to the store to get a card for me.
No thanks

 

[missypie]

Many men are clueless. You need to plan your own birthday event. Do what makes you happy.

My birthday usually falls on spring break so I totally plan what I want to do on my birthday. My 50th fell at a time when H couldn't leave town, so D and I went off to Universal Studios Orlando for four days.

Husband never plans anything for Mother's Day, so this year I bought tickets for all of use for the Sunday matinee of Rent.

Our 20th wedding anniversary was this week. I made reservations for the whole family at our favorite local restaurant.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

well if I did what I really really wanted I'd leave him home and take the 2 kiddos to Disney!

However, I'm a total planner so I don't want a spur of the moment disney trip. I have told him for the last 2 years we are not doing the beach trip much longer. Luckily this years trip was not his favorite and the kids are really expecting Disney next year.

I have told him a few times and we started to plan a Vegas trip. But then he decided we should get my DD a puppy for her bday. Guess who is stuck taking care of it?! So now he says it is my present since it is clearly my dog.

I just pulled info for Vegas and am going to show it to him tonight.

Someone else called it, it isn't so much I want this birthday to be a big deal, it is that I want something to be a big deal that isn't HIM.

I do work outside the home. I cook, clean, run the kids to sports, etc. He doesn't even make his own doc apts.

Yes, there is a lot more going on than just a birthday.

hopefully This trip turns out great...for BOTH of you!!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Someone else called it, it isn't so much I want this birthday to be a big deal, it is that I want something to be a big deal that isn't HIM...

Then tell him that - exactly like that. Don't beat around the bush. Make him see how much he does for himself, and how little he does for you. But don't be mean about it, just be insistant. If he tries to deflect the discussion (men do that a lot), bring him back immediately.

Good luck!

 

[Darcy03231]

well if I did what I really really wanted I'd leave him home and take the 2 kiddos to Disney!

So, do it. You don't have to make it a last minute trip if you don't want to. Plan for a time when you would like to go with the kids and book it. Tell him its your birthday present. Nothing says you have to go on your birthday. Let him stay home with the dog.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Hugs, OP. Happy early birthday! What day is your actual birthday?

I totally hear what you are saying and am sorry that your DH is being so pigheaded. I turn 40 on Monday and started telling my DH a year ago that I wanted to go on a trip for my bday. Unfortunately we are embroiled in a nasty legal battle with DH's ex that has drained our finances that we would have used to pay for the trip. DH feels incredibly guilty that we aren't going to do anything for my birthday (other than dinner out) especially since his ex is the reason we aren't going. I understand but I can't help but feel sad and disappointed that we had to cancel our trip. (Granted we have 2 Disney trips planned soon - see the tickers - but it won't be my birthday trip).

Men don't take hints very well. Be direct. Tell your DH what you want to do for your birthday then plan it yourself. Last minute trips to Disney aren't that bad. With online ADR booking you could plan your whole trip from home in just a couple of hours and don't forget the free admission or gift card you'll get!

 

[Nancyg56]

I have told him a few times and we started to plan a Vegas trip. But then he decided we should get my DD a puppy for her bday. Guess who is stuck taking care of it?! So now he says it is my present since it is clearly my dog.

Are you kidding? He vetoes a trip in order to purchase a dog and then decides the dog is your gift??????????????????

Then tell him that - exactly like that. Don't beat around the bush. Make him see how much he does for himself, and how little he does for you. But don't be mean about it, just be insistant. If he tries to deflect the discussion (men do that a lot), bring him back immediately.

Good luck!

ITA.

If he does not want to take you on a trip do what I do. DH has it pretty good, I take care of most things at home and I am happy with that. He will sometimes forget that his comfort is because I make it that way and while I have a pretty cushy life the truth is that no one else wants my job. So I make a point of going away once in a while. One or two days is nowhere near long enough for him to really appreciate what I do. One week is all it takes and he is one happy man when I come home. In the meantime I have had wonderful trips with my family or my sister.

My DH is a hard working man, he makes sure that we have what we need and a lot of what I want but there are times when he needs to be reminded that while he generates way more money than I can adn is physically able to do more thtn I can................I have a lot of value adn I also need to be appreciated. It sounds to me that perhaps your Dh needs to be reminded just how much he needs to value you and that you need to be shown with more than puppy.

 

[NMAmy]

So let me get this straight. Your husband gets:
1. to pick the restaurants
2. to not have to do anniversaries
3. to not have had to pay for a honeymoon
4. to pick his birthday celebration
5. to make the decision that he doesn't like people/messes at the house so you don't entertain
6. to pick a yearly beach vacation that you don't like
7. to go on a yearly boys trip
8. season tickets to football
9. to decide how you spend money (house repair is more important than your birthday because HE thinks so)

You know what...I'd be going on a birthday trip and leaving him home. Do you have a girlfriend who might be interested in a Vegas weekend? How long have you been married and putting up with this crap?

Hit the nail right on the head with this one, Disney Doll!

I have told him a few times and we started to plan a Vegas trip. But then he decided we should get my DD a puppy for her bday. Guess who is stuck taking care of it?! So now he says it is my present since it is clearly my dog.

What the heck? So he decided to get a puppy and now THAT was your present?

I am usually one that gets frustrated with women who hint about what they want and get upset when they don't get it after they didn't come right out and ask. But you have come right out and asked. It's just disrespectful of him to disregard your wishes like that.

And I just can't get over the fact that he chooses the restaurant you go to for your birthday. I don't know why that bothers me so much on your behalf but it does.

I hope you get the birthday celebration that you want.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Hmm--it doesn't seem that he is trying to be mean, but I can say that it would upset me.

Plan something big for your birthday (you have to agree on the money, sorry!) that is YOUR CHOICE!

And I might consider some marital counseling b/c this relationships seems to be very one sided (you caring for him and not vice versa!)

My husband doesn't plan things for me often--but when he does, they are pretty cool.

 

[onelilspark]

Here's my take...

It is selfish. You want to do something for you.

BUT it's okay to be selfish sometimes. This is one of those times. We always look at being selfish as such a bad thing, it has a real negative connotation. I think it does only if you do it all the time. You obviously don't. I also think women, mothers especially, forget that it's okay to be selfish.

So go on, be a little selfish, live it up!

 

[Rose&Mike]

So, do it. You don't have to make it a last minute trip if you don't want to. Plan for a time when you would like to go with the kids and book it. Tell him its your birthday present. Nothing says you have to go on your birthday. Let him stay home with the dog.

I don't know why, but I found the dog part so funny, but I'm still laughing.

 

[JoBird]

If Homeslice was my husband, he'd be on the receiving end of a very large bill for the fattest, tackiest, gaudiest, knuckle-to-knuckle 40th celebratory ring sitting atop my hand that shines so much he'd cringe everytime he saw it.

Then I'd book a trip, take his credit card --- and leave him at home to wonder what the heck just happened.



But then again, I'm bratty that way.



Jo

 

[Piglets Mommy]

I think you deserve something for YOU on your 40th. I'd mention Vegas again tonight. If he doesn't agree, the neither book it (Or Disney, if that's what you'd rather do) and take whoever you want. Or, if you think he MIGHT have planned a suprise trip, if your birthday rolls around and you find out that he hasn't, then plan whatever you want then for a later date...you won't be able to be there ON your Bday, but it can still be a great Bday trip with friends.
My DH has known since I turned 35 that I want an adults only trip to Disney for my 40th. If my 40th rolls around, and there is no trip, I'm leaving him home and going with friends!

I hope you have a great Birthday, whatever you do!

 

[mtemm]

nope, not selfish. go for it!