Am I being selfish and irresponsible?

[LittleDickensDesigns]

I haven't read all the replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating what has already been said. I just wanted to a

I'm a SAHM and I'm thankful my husband does know the importance of a family vacation. We all need (kids included) some time to relax, rest, spend tons of time together, etc.

I too lost my mom at a young age. I was 21 when she passed. I am so thankful for all the trips we took together when I was growing up (travel was her passion). I have so many wonderful memories from those trips and my mom LOVED planning them (almost as much as actually going on them). Life is too short to always say "one day we'll do that" because honestly, you don't know what life will throw at you.

I hope your husband comes around .

 

[foszilfineder]

If your husband is concerned and attempting to make positive decisions, maybe he feels you are undermining the process. Sure, you are trying to save money, but is that just for yourself? You don't want him climing his salary, but you seem to be claiming all of your contribution. Sounds like a double standard to me.

Maybe you could suggest a less expensive vacation. Disney isn't the only place a family can go for a break. And it sure as heck shouldn't be the destination planned for people with money problems.

 

[disneybound2010]

If your husband is concerned and attempting to make positive decisions, maybe he feels you are undermining the process. Sure, you are trying to save money, but is that just for yourself? You don't want him climing his salary, but you seem to be claiming all of your contribution. Sounds like a double standard to me.

Maybe you could suggest a less expensive vacation. Disney isn't the only place a family can go for a break. And it sure as heck shouldn't be the destination planned for people with money problems.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say I am claiming my contribution but not allowing him his. When I say we save money, I mean, I make sure we save money for EVERYTHING and the bills get paid before we even consider the rest. IF I have any for the trip fund,it goes back,if not, then I don't put any in. Any shortcuts I can find to save a little money for our household is done. I rarely rarely rarely spend any money on me. (DH actually forced me to go out and buy 2 pairs of jeans about a month ago because the ones I have no longer have belt loops and holes all over them.I didn't wanna spend it) I would rather any money saved go towards 1)bills 2)our son 3)DH. Planning this vacation is not for ME to go play with Mickey. It is for my son first and foremost and for the family as a whole.

As I stated before, our financial situation has improved greatly and we are doing pretty well at gettign everything paid off. I guess my thing is that there are always going to be some bills. No matter what. There isn't always going to be time for us to take our child or spend time with our parents like this. I stated before that DH and I both grew up in homes where vacations and trips were always put off as "we'll eventually do it" and then it never happened. DH has even said that all the time his Dad worked(and they had the money for trips) and made money they never spent that time together and have those memories to share. He doesnt want to miss that with our DS. With my family, we always heard we would do a vacation,but any extra always went towards somethign material. Ddad and I were talking and he regrets always putting off because it never happened and we have no memories with our Dmom like that.

I'm not just saying lets go today. This is something that we are working towards. I started puttting back in August. Thats over two years to have the funds to go.

 

[worm761]

First off, hugs to you. It really is hard being a SAHM. I recently became one again. We are not married yet but boyfriend prefers for me to be home. DS is 12 though so it is different for us.

Anyway, can I make a few suggestions? Have you thought about doing some rewards programs? Some of them pay out really well. Some not so much. But there is a board farther down dedicated solely to rewards programs. I started doing them to fund my first trip. Some other thoughts are work at home type jobs. There is weegy, kgb or chacha. A friend does weegy and says she makes about $20 a week. I do ChaCha while DS is at school. I make enough in a month to buy groceries, pay for any extras that we do, and to fund the vacation fund. I like having "my" money. This way I don't feel so dependent on boyfriend. If you have any questions feel free to PM me. It might help your DH to know that the money isn't coming out of the household money. This would be completely extra money. Just a thought.

 

[seashoreCM]

Does DH spend any money on himself? If so he should hand over some money for you to spend on yourself (or to save for a Disney trip).

Keep in mind that he might not (himself) want to go to Disney.

Disney hints: http://www.cockam.com/disney.htm

 

[foszilfineder]

Does DH spend any money on himself? If so he should hand over some money for you to spend on yourself (or to save for a Disney trip).

Keep in mind that he might not (himself) want to go to Disney.

Disney hints: http://www.cockam.com/disney.htm

That is a fun trail to go down. "You spent this" so I get to "spend that"...not good for a marriage. I would assume you aren't married.

OP, my point is that you are both working to save and to pay off bills. Frankly, I think his priority of paying them off in this horrific financial climate is a more mature choice. Who know, maybe it will change by the time the trip you want comes up. Or, maybe you will be thanking him for making choices that allow you to keep a home, or make needed repairs on an automobile.

There are many places to go that allow a family to have a great time together. They don't have to come with the price tag that Disney does. A three year old doesn't give a crap whether he is at Disney, the local zoo or the community pool if he has mom and dad playing with him.

 

[badblackpug]

You are not selfish. You want to do something for your family. I think you have budgeted very carefully, and saving for two years for the trip is anything BUT irresponsible. I agree, there will always be bills, but your children will only be young once.

I can't help you with the "your money, my money" thing because I work, but I think that if it is an agreement between the two of you, that you stay home, that "my money" is an unfair, and frankly, very controlling thing to do.

My ex was very tight with money. (note: EX) He was always putting everything in the "someday" and "in a few years" file. The few vacations we took together were planned and paid for by me, and the entire time I heard about how much money he is losing by not working or not working OT. I got tired of waiting for "someday."

I am known to be a bi*ch. If it were me I would tell my husband that this vacation is very important to you, and that you plan to go. Period. Lay out exactly how you have been saving, and how you will continue saving. I would make sure I included everything in the trip expenses, including airfare and DDP. That way you can minimize the out of pocket spending while there. If for no other reason than not to have to hear "You are paying HOW much for a hamburger!" (remember I've been there, done that) I would also invite you in laws, but maybe ask them to pay a portion of their trip. Offer him some strategies about how you could make extra money. Get a job, ebay, babysit, etc. Offer to get a PT job to pay for the trip, but the hours you would work would be opposite of his, so that you wouldn't have to pay childcare. I would also make sure I had a very frank discussion about how labeling it as "his" money makes you feel.

 

[crisi]

This is a scary time. Every day we keep hearing how bad the economy is. If your DH is also hearing at work how tough things are he maybe getting scared about the future.

While I don't think you are being selfish and irresponsible, if your DH was on board and now has changed his mind, I would find out if there is more going on than you know about.

I work in a pretty "male" field (IT) and with a lot of guys whose wives stay at home. There has always been a level of griping and stress from "sole breadwinners" about their SAH wives - even if the husband believes it is important for her to be at home. Its the same level of griping my SAHM friends do about their husband's not understanding what hard work it is to stay home - nothing serious, just venting.

That changed in September. The stress level went way up. These guys are trying to shield their families from how precarious the situation is while complaining that their wives don't understand how stressful it is. If they weren't trying to shield their spouses from it, then the wives might have a chance to empathize. But, a lot of it is hype, rumor feeds off rumor and adds to the stress - and why bother your spouse with a rumor that they might shut down your entire site. At the same time, how are you going to make car payments if they shut down your entire site. Very stressful out there right now.

So if this is since September, I'd cut him a break and postpone the trip until the economy improves. You probably should sit down and figure out what your financial goals and priorities are as well, but those may have changed significantly for him if he is currently scared.

 

[SGTex]

I didn't read everyone's replies, but I do agree that you are not being selfish and I know how hard it is to be in your situation b/c it's very similiar to mine & DH's. My only advice is to be really open with your DH, about what you really want and about how important it is to you. Don't expect him to immediately understand your point of view though, it may take a little while and some understanding before he does. It does seem like he may be stressed about the economy and maybe that's why he's seemingly taking it back out on you.

For us, my DH has never been to Disney, doesn't understand the hype and doesn't *really* want to go. I went multiple times as a kid and really enjoyed it and I can't wait to share it with my kids. A few years ago we sat down and made a "vacation" plan. I told him how important it was for me to go to Disney and we decided to go when the kids would really enjoy it and also be old enough to remember it. We figured for us, that would be around 5 to maybe 8'ish. Which meant we had 2 summers to plan for - either this year when our kids are 5 & 7 or next year when they will be 6 & 8. We figured we'd re-evaluate the first year and see if our finances could handle a trip. DH also made me agree that if something happened financially and we couldn't go, that I had to understand that we would go as soon as we financially could.

Fortunately this year it looks like our finances will be able to afford the trip. My DH still isn't thrilled - he's excited to take the kids and see them enjoy it, but it's really not what he would choose to spend a couple grand on. The only reason we are really going this year is because I have a great WAHM job right now and am able to save to help afford it too...

So my advice is to be understanding to your DH, but ask him to understand you too.

 

[trennr]

Well first off note I'm a guy. We are a single income family since 2000. And DW is a SAHM.

We Married in Jan 1994...had DS14 1year and 6 days later.

Shortly after DS9 was born in Jan 2000 DW company sold out and she lost her Retail Management job...and we decided it was time for her to be a full-time Mommy.

Money has always been tight for us...but through it all we'vr NEVER had a his money / her money struggle. It has ALWAYS been OUR money. Bills get paid first...then food...then fun money.

The way I look at it being the "bread winner"...if I had to pay DW for the hours she put in being daycare of DS's, Maid, Cook, Gardener, Nurse, Finance Manager, etc. I clearly don't make enough money.

Tell your DH from another DH, that any money and time spent with family on a vacation (be it at WDW, or anywhere) is time and money well spent. We only get one trip through this world...DS2 will be DS12 before you know it...and those trips really do build memories that last your whole life and once it's over he'll be wishing he had done it sooner.

Good luck.

PS
I'm sure his "change" of heart may have something to do with the current state of the economy...and everybody's job is in question ...no matter where you are or what you do.

 

[dogodisney]

I have a feeling there is more going on with your DH than not wanting to take this trip.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Both DH and I work just to be up front...

Any money that is earned is household money...and money that is spent is agreed on by all parties. I'm sure the current economy is the issue. I would talk to him about it and see what his concerns are and find a compromise that works for all....


I do have to add as a woman that I'm a little horrified by some of the comments... "DH prefers for me to be at home" "or he doesn't want me to get a parttime job" ummm This is 2009 is it not?!? Equal rights... and all that... geezz..scary sorry just felt like I stepped back to 1950

 

[mskayjay]

I haven't read all the responses....only your initial post and that is what I'm going to respond to, okay?

You know your DH does not think you are selfish and irresponsible. He's scared. He knows how hard you have both worked to get caught up, how tight things have been, etc. I totally feel for him. I also totally respect the decision you *both* made for you to be a SAHM. Here is a thought.....and you get to stay home to boot. When we kept track of what we were saving on my coupon site, we figured our average wage was $35/hour. Thats huge! Are you doing that well yet? If not, work harder at it and take a part of what you're saving each week and put it in a dedicated account. TALK to DH first about this.....ask him if that would make him feel okay about it, explain how important family time is, what Disney means to you and how much you want to take your son and extended family.

Find out what it would cost to do this (really find out!!!!!) and get going on saving the money. Have you considered doing short term day care like for newborns to age 6 months or so when a "regular" daycare would take them? That bit of extra money could go to your Disney account and you would be helping out a Mom who doesnt' want her newborn in a full daycare center yet. If your trip isn't till '10 and you do this twice or three times, how much could you put away? Be creative! But make *sure* you keep the communication open with DH. No deception and ignoring his fears.

I would love to have you come over to the other budget board I go to and explore how much more you can save. I can't believe how well I've done. Standing offer....feel free to PM anytime.

 

[disneybound2010]

DH was in a really good mood last night, so I was able to really sit him down and lay out the entire cost of the vacation(AGAIN!) I think that he finally understands that with the different things I have been doing to cut back and actually SAVE money, this is not something that is out of our reach. I did remind him,again, that IF something came up that we needed this money, it would be used towards the emergency. He agreed with me that we do need a vacation and that since we started talking about Disney, he has actually been looking forward to it. He was the one who actually suggested our parents come along with us.

I offered that we could postpone the trip till 2011, but he says he wants to go ahead and focus on next December as we had originally planned. He floored me when he said what I have been saying all along,"If we keep postponing it,we will never get there and I want this for our son and family!"

Thank you to all who replied and offered up some great advice and perspectives. It really did mean a lot.

 

[disneybridetobe]

Awesome. So happy and relieved for you!

 

[junipertree5]

Short and sweet. Personally, I wouldnt want to go to the happiest place on earth with such a wet rag anyway. Sometimes in life, when you know you are doing your absolute best, and it still isnt good enough for whoever, you gotta put your boot-wearin' foot down and say " This is what's gonna happen, with or without you!" Because it seems like he's been doing that all along anyway. That's probably why Im single, cause I refuse to play second fiddle. Meanwhile, I busy planning a second Disney trip for my boys as a fun-loving single mom! You only get one shot at your kids' childhoods. I live on a strict budget (Im a nursing student). But Im wise enough to know that vacation time IS a neccesity.
Sorry if I have stepped on anyone's toes

 

[Tinkmom75]

Glad your DH is opening up and hopefully excited about the trip. He was probably just stressed as many have stated the economy is doom and gloom right now and I worry about it.

Check out the budget boards for ideas to save money. I also am trying to pay for our trip (at least our condo) by doing videos on Expotv. I have made around $700 since last August. Also, I haven't done Cha Cha, but lots have. I work full time too so these are extra's that I'm doing on top of everything else. I also really work to clip coupons etc. Couponmom helps me to use coupons with sales to get great deals and free stuff. I know there are other websites too. I hope everything works out wonderful and you and your family have a great trip!!

 

[foszilfineder]

Short and sweet. Personally, I wouldnt want to go to the happiest place on earth with such a wet rag anyway. Sometimes in life, when you know you are doing your absolute best, and it still isnt good enough for whoever, you gotta put your boot-wearin' foot down and say " This is what's gonna happen, with or without you!" Because it seems like he's been doing that all along anyway. That's probably why Im single, cause I refuse to play second fiddle. Meanwhile, I busy planning a second Disney trip for my boys as a fun-loving single mom! You only get one shot at your kids' childhoods. I live on a strict budget (Im a nursing student). But Im wise enough to know that vacation time IS a neccesity.
Sorry if I have stepped on anyone's toes

Well, what you lose in a "wet rag" is a partner for life. Just because the OP's husband wants to keep his family fed, with a roof over his head you get snarky about him. And time off appreciating family is a necessity. A $2000 vacation...not. That is what has gotten people into their recent troubles. And, taking advice from a college student, well, that is a no brainer.

OP, I am really glad that you both could talk in a stress free time. I hope your trip comes off like a dream, now that you are in agreement.

 

[cbrooks45]

I have to agree with the person who said that there might be something else going on with your husb outside of the trip. To change like that means something has changed in him. Just my opinion and I could be way off. But a man saying his money is wrong on so many levels. Being a sahm is a full time job and just because you do not contribute financially does not mean you do not contribute quite a bit. I would talk to him and explain everything you do to keep the family running. He is probably not thinking it thru. At least I hope he isnt to say something like "my money"

 

[mom2meiko]

i'm really glad that you guys were able to talk things out and from the sounds of it, get on the same page. i hope you are able to continue planning for your disney trip and have a great time in 2010!!!