Am I being rude??

[indimom]

Kind of a long story...
My daughter just had her 13th Bday. I suggested taking her and my niece (who turned 14 three days before her) shopping for a new outfit and out to a movie. She wanted a birthday party with 13 friends at the local park. I told her she had to pick one option, so she decided on the shopping trip with her cousin.
I have three sisters, two local. When my younger sister heard about this, she mentioned that she had planned on taking the girls shopping also, so we decided to go together and make a real day of it. Then, I went to my older sister (niece's mom) to ask if niece would be able to come.
My big sis is getting married (second marriage for both) on the 24th. I planned the shopping trip for this Saturday (one week before the big day) because it was our only open weekend this month.
When I told her about it, she commented that if she could drop her two boys at their father's house early Saturday, she could come too. Okay, Great.
But the more I thought about it, the more worried I got. She's got a lot on her plate planning for the wedding, working, finding a new house, keeping up with three kids and their activities. So much that I kind of wondered if she really had an entire day to devote to the girls' shopping. On top of that, she has been known to sort of adjust plans to suit her in the past. (I need to be home by 6 or can we just run here real quick.) So, last Wednesday, I double checked with her, was she SURE she had enough time to go with us for an entire day, shopping for the girls, dinner, movie? She said yeah, but wasn't very specific and I didn't know how to ask without being rude.
So, this morning, my mom called and commented that big sis had "a list" for our shopping trip on Saturday. Pretty much confirming my fears that she might want to run and errand here, run and errand there.
Am I wrong to tell her AGAIN that this day is for the girls, not her. That she shouldn't come if she is wanting to run errands. I feel like a jerk, but I let my daughter choose between a shopping trip just for her and a party, and this is what she picked. I know she (and I and possibly niece) are going to be dissapointed and annoyed if we spend all day (or even half the day) looking for wedding stuff.
So, be honest, tell it true? Am I wrong?? Should I be brutally honest and tell her we are not running errands? Or should I just get over it and go along and get along?

 

[N&B'smom]

I think you should speak with your sister and let her know that if she has wedding related errands to run she should go ahead and do them and then call you so she can find out where to meet up with you. Your DD is NOT going to want to spend her birthday outing running errands. I don't think you're being rude...this day is NOT about the bride.

 

[okeydokey]

I would tell her than no running errands is allowed on your daughter's birthday shopping trip. Maybe she can run her errands in the am, then meet you all for lunch and shopping in the afternoon. There is no need for you all to the exact thing all day long.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't think that you are wrong. I would call Sis and let her know that your plans with the girls cannot be altered so if she needs to fit more errands in she should plan on taking her own vehicle and that you will not be offended if she needs to split from the group. Tell her that you understand that her time is limited because of the wedding and you do not want her to feel pressured to stay with the birthday girls shopping expedition.

 

[Scurvy]

So, be honest, tell it true? Am I wrong?? Should I be brutally honest and tell her we are not running errands? Or should I just get over it and go along and get along?

You're not wrong. Does your daughter already know what she wants to do that day? If so, tell your sister that you'll be sticking to those plans. If not, tell your sister that since it's your daughter's birthday outing, you'll be letting her plan the day as you go along. Try to make sure she understands that the day is all about your daughter, and that you won't be going anyplace your daughter doesn't choose.

I agree with N&B'smom that it might be a good idea to suggest that she should take her own car if there are errands she wants to run that don't fit in with your daughter's plans for the day. That way she could meet up with you all for part of the day and still finish the things she needs to do. Good luck, and I hope your daughter has a wonderful time!

 

[Jennasis]

You know the answer. No you aren't being rude. YES you should tell the bride-to-be to bow out. However, I would imagine that the bride is gonna get all steamed up over you telling her this. So the crux is, HOW to do it without causing WWIII or ruining your DD and DN's birthday?

On this I have no advice. Good luck.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I think you should speak with your sister and let her know that if she has wedding related errands to run she should go ahead and do them and then call you so she can find out where to meet up with you. Your DD is NOT going to want to spend her birthday outing running errands. I don't think you're being rude...this day is NOT about the bride.

Best advice. The bride will have her own day. This day is about your daughter and the other birthday girl.

 

[czycropper]

I would pick up the phone and tell your sister that this is not for her errands but for the girls shopping (& their birthday celebration) and that if she still wanted to join that maybe she could it after her errands had been done.

 

[JessicaR]

No you aren't being rude at all. I have sisters also and can relate. I would call your sister today and lay out the terms so when Saturday comes there are no hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

I like the idea of her running her errands in the AM and meeting up with you all when she is done. Sounds like a fun day! Hope your daughter enjoys her birthday!

 

[dallastxcpa]

You are not being rude at all. The day is planned for your daughter and shouldn't be altered. I know if it was my daughter and we wound up running wedding errands her feelings would be hurt.

Good luck. I have an older Sis who tends to think things revolve around her. For the last 11 months I have been planning our upcoming family vacation. now my Sis is staying in a different hotel than the rest of us but a few weeks ago she informed me that she couldn't possibly go with out her new boyfriend of a month. Well, I mulled it over and over. But finally I told her that I was not comfortable sharing my vacation with a total stranger and that this was a FAMILY vacation and he was not family.

Well, she is still coming to Florida with him but she knows that they are not invited to hang out/dine with the family. She is; just not him. Mean, maybe. But it is my vacation.

 

[NHdisneylover]

No you are not being rude but your older sister is.

In the interest of not upsetting the bride so close to the wedding can you present it to her as a great opportunity for her to get to run her errands alone (or with your mom) while you have the girls? Tell her you would LOVE her to join up with you for dinner and the movie but you will understand if she would rather have some time to herself at the spa

 

[indimom]

You know the answer. No you aren't being rude. YES you should tell the bride-to-be to bow out. However, I would imagine that the bride is gonna get all steamed up over you telling her this. So the crux is, HOW to do it without causing WWIII or ruining your DD and DN's birthday?

On this I have no advice. Good luck.

Yeah, I've got myself in a real bind. I don't want her to feel "unwanted." She's a generally great sis.
On top of that, mom told me about the "list" because I had mentioned my concerns to her a week or two ago, BUT she doesn't want me to mention this to big sis because it sounds like she's tattling on her. ("I wanted to give you a heads up...But don't tell her I told you.") So, how to bring it up, without letting her know she WAS tattled on.
And how to not step on toes, not just for my daughter and niece, but also her. I don't want to be the person who made the bride cry. Ugh!
I guess this is the "put on your big girl panties" time, huh?

 

[WDSearcher]

You should NOT "just get over it and go along." This is an event YOU designed and planned and invited people to. You get to make the rules and the itinerary.

Unless your big sis is doing all the driving (which would be supremely foolish! ), what forces you to go where she wants? She's in the car, you're driving, she says, "Can we just stop here for a second?", you say, "We can't today because this is DD's day -- sorry!" and keep driving.

OR ... develop a "shopping / dining / movie itinerary" before the big day, e-mail it to all concerned, and let them know that "in order to stay on schedule and get done everything DD wants to do, there will be no deviations!" -- do it with a smiley face, or an overly-stern photo of a military general or something that indicates that you're saying it in fun, but are serious.

Has anyone seen "the list" of which your mother speaks? Do you know what's on it? Could it be that your mom has exaggerated what your sister has on this list and that it's not that big of a deal? I mean, if she knows that you guys are going to Mall X, for example, and one of her errands is IN Mall X and she can do it quickly while you and the other girls are in The Gap or whatever, that's one thing. If she's expecting you to go 20 miles out of your way to pick up her cake topper, that's something else.

I would call your big sis, tell her that mom said she had a list of errands for Saturday and you wanted to let her know how crowded the itinerary was and that there wasn't alot of wiggle room between things your DD wants to do. Ask if she wants to drive with you (noting that there will be no detours) or drive seperately, so that she can do her errands and meet up with you for dinner or the movie or whatever is last on the list. And then stick to your itinerary. If she's supposed to meet you at 3pm at the movies and she doesn't make it, then you go to the movies as planned and she joins when she can. Your sis can't ruin the day unless you let her, y'know?

But there is certainly compromise to be had here. There are a multitude of ways that sis can be part of DD's celebration without taking it over.

 

[ChrizJen]

I don't think you're wrong.
Here's what I would do:
Go along with the plans, but make sure that this particular sister drives her own car. That way, when things start looking like they're going to derail, you can say, "OK. You go ahead. Give us a call when you're done running your errand(s), and you can meet back up with us." That way she can feel included, but you're not tied at the hip.

ETA...but it looks like I didn't read far enough because several people have already made the same suggestion...LOL
__________________

 

[ChrizJen]

double post

 

[okeydokey]

Call her directly and tell her the itinerary for the day. Ask her if that fits in with what she wants to accomplish or does she need to take her own car and meet you later.

 

[indimom]

Okay, I like the driving seperate. Now just to figure out how to get the conversation to that point. I forgot to mention that we live 45 minutes from Cincinnati, so I'm sure everyone was expecting to take one car.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I agree with another poster about making a schedule for the day. It's not unreasonable to have one if you're going to a movie where you can't just drop in anytime. Send an e-mail to everyone who's going and say, "Here's what I've worked out for our Birthday Celebration Day." Don't call it a shopping day or that will feed into big sis's plans to do her own shopping. In the e-mail, put the time everyone needs to be at the theater, the movie time, restaurant chosen for lunch, etc. For the shopping part, it would probably be best to go to a mall where the girls could hit several stores in one place. That would lessen sis's opportunities to say, "Oh, can we just swing by the bridal store for a minute?"

 

[indimom]

By the way, thanks everyone for the support and good ideas. I was really getting myself worked up about dealing with this. I feel better now. You're all awesome!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Here is the thing, you included your older sister so now you have to fix it even if you tick off your mother.

It should not be a big deal to say to your sister, we need to work out something...here are my plans. What do you have planned? Go from there.