Am I being rude or unreasonable?

[Ohiodislover]

My DDs both have end of year graduation ceremonies at the end of the school year (5th and 8th grade) My MIL is planning on coming from out of state to attend.

The month of June is KILLER for us. End of school, summer camps right after school out, my boss and a co-worker will be out on vacation the same week as graduation, and we have a week long corporate review at work that is quite a difficult process.

To top all that...we will be moving on June 26th. The weekend after school is out.

Anyway, I suggested that we get a hotel room for DH mother. With the packing going on, and the fact that I have absolutely no extra days off, and will more than likely be putting in extra hours at work, I just don't need the stress of getting ready for a house guest the week before we move.

She has visited often and I have never asked this before. DH says I'm being rude and selfish. I have no problem with her coming, I just seriously think she will be more comfortable in a hotel, rather than sleeping in our den, which was going to be the box storage area.

 

[Kimberle]

If you have a good relationship with her, no I don't think you're being rude. Just explain to her what you told us. Maybe your girls can spend the night(s) with her to have some grandma/granddaughter time. It'd be fun for the kids as well.

If MIL is fearful of staying in a hotel room alone, then have her at the house.

Whatever works for all, I'm sure she's be a good sport.

 

[Christine]

*I* don't think you are being rude and selfish; however, if your husband views it that way, more than likely his mother might also.

So, I would try a few different things:

1. Let it go and have her at your house but INSIST that your DH take care of getting the house "guest ready" for his own mother. Our house is not really ever equipped for company but that doesn't stop my husband from not seeing that and inviting them anyway. I make him clean the bathrooms and the guest bedroom.

OR

2. Call your MIL directly and explain the situation, just as you've done here, and give her a choice. Tell her that, as always, you'd love to have her with you but it's going to be mighty uncomfortable with the packing going on and you then offer the hotel room.

 

[formill]

If it was your own mom would you do the same...... I would just explain to her the house will be in chaos boxes everywhere and ask if she would like to stay in a hotel instead and leave it her choice then don`t feel bad if she does stay in your house-she has been warned! Our moms would both be of great help in such a situation- they would both make meals and pack too so I would want them to stay!

 

[Ceila]

It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with her, so I would explain the circumstances objectively to her and then let her make the decision. If she elects to stay at the hotel, though, I think you should definitely offer to pay for it.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

Explain the situation to her as truthfully as possible and offer to pay for her hotel stay.

However, telling her that she is going to stay in a hotel would be rude.

Let her make the choice.

 

[MIGrandma]

If it was your own mom would you do the same...... I would just explain to her the house will be in chaos boxes everywhere and ask if she would like to stay in a hotel instead and leave it her choice then don`t feel bad if she does stay in your house-she has been warned! Our moms would both be of great help in such a situation- they would both make meals and pack too so I would want them to stay!

That's what I wonder too, if the OP would be wanting her own Mother to go to a hotel and not stay at the house. I always feel bad for mothers of sons when the DIL doesn't want them around, or makes preferances for her own family and not her DH's too.

If I was the MIL I think I would feel somewhat hurt that I wasn't welcome in my own son's home. I mean, I understand the OP has a lot going on in the month of June, but couldn't the MIL help with some of the packing for the moving, or house cleaning, or preparing meals/cleaning up? If it were me, I would welcome my MIL and be more than happy to have her help out.

 

[Rora]

Ask and explain the situation to your MIL and make sure she knows it's absolutely nothing personal. I think the best thing would be to offer to pay for her stay.

Like another pp said, don't say "You're staying at a hotel" but ask kindly if she would and cross your fingers she agrees happily.

I don't think you're being rude or selfish. If your DH feels that way, then have MIL stay with you and ask him if he'd be willing to take care of a couple of things that pertain to his mom (cooking for her, making her room, etc) while she's in town since June is so hectic.

Good luck!

 

[Ceila]

That's what I wonder too, if the OP would be wanting her own Mother to go to a hotel and not stay at the house. I always feel bad for mothers of sons when the DIL doesn't want them around, or makes preferances for her own family and not her DH's too.

If I was the MIL I think I would feel somewhat hurt that I wasn't welcome in my own son's home. I mean, I understand the OP has a lot going on in the month of June, but couldn't the MIL help with some of the packing for the moving, or house cleaning, or preparing meals/cleaning up? If it were me, I would welcome my MIL and be more than happy to have her help out.

Let's not jump to conclusions. The OP hasn't even had a chance to respond as to whether she would feel the same about her side of the family. I know sometimes I just can't handle having any extra people around - my side, his side, or any side in-between!

Just because the OP doesn't want company at that particular time does NOT mean the MIL isn't "welcome in [her] own son's home." We're talking about ONE visit when there really is a lot of chaos going on. The OP clearly states that her MIL has stayed with them many times before, but this time there are extenuating circumstances.

Personally, if I was the MIL, I wouldn't want to add to the chaos and would probably offer to stay in a hotel room, have the grandkids come for an overnight "slumber party," and try to help alleviate their stress, not add to it.

 

[VAN]

Agree with what most everyone is saying .... however, it is the DH's mother. HE is the one who should explain that they are looking forward to her visit, a warning of all the activities, etc.

If the MIL decides to stay at the house anyway, then just carry-on. She has been warned and so shouldn't take it personal that people aren't going out of their way for her visit.

I feel it's best for the DH to handle it being truthful and upfront. The MIL has three options: not come, stay in a hotel or try to be helpful to the family during all the turmoil.

 

[Ohiodislover]

OP here

It is NOT that I don't want her to visit. She visits 2-3 times/year and always stays w/ us. This time will just be very chaotic, and a lot of the packing will have to be delayed so that she can stay/sleep in the den. We don't have a lot of room, which is why we are moving.

I would offer a hotel to my mother also. In fact, when we moved to Md from Ohio, my mother did just that while she visited during the move. At our cost, which would be the same arrangement now.

FWIW--She has also been invited to visit in August. Both of these trips were planned a few months back. We originally thought that we would not be moving until late July, and we wanted her to come, stay with us, and see the new house.

 

[HM]

Offer to get her a hotel room (tell her why) and pay for it. I'm sure she'll be fine with it.

 

[bettymae1121]

When DH and I were engaged, his mother came in from out of state to stay with us at Christmas. At the time we lived in a condo and didn't have a guest room. So DH cashed in some hotel points and we put her up at a local hotel for the week. She loved it, she'd never stayed at a hotel before! We picked her up in the morning and spent the day with her, and just dropped her off in the evening.

I don't think your being rude, I don't think your MIL should think you're rude, but you cant' control other people's reactions. I agree with the others. Have your DH explain how crazy it's going to be, and ask her if maybe she would rather stay at a hotel this time around, rather than parachute down into a war zone. If she still would rather stay with you, put your DH in charge of making your MIL as comfortable as possible. Who knows, it may be a blessing in disguise. My parents always helped my brother and SIL tremendously when they would visit with them. Babysiting, errand running, Dad would fix little things around the hous and Mom would help cook and clean. My SIL loved it!

 

[kaytieeldr]

Honestly? I think the OP should spend nights in the hotel room - just to get a break from all the upcoming stress - while her MIL stays in the house.

No, I'm not being funny or argumentative. Ohiodislover, it REALLY sounds like you can use some downtime in June - even if it's only a few pressure-free hours in a hotel!

 

[kamik86]

Hmm if this was me... if it was my mom she would be staying at the house because my parents have helped me and my sisters move many times. She is WAY better at packing then I am and would be a great help and wouldn't mind doing so. Thus it would be less work to have her there.

I can't really say how I would have been with the MIL since she never visited us, she was really sick from the time my DH moved in with me until she passed away shortly before the wedding so we always came down to visit her. I'm guessing when she was healthy we would have had her come, her house was always messier then mine every was so she wouldn't have minded the chaos.

I don't however understand why YOU would have to get the house ready. This is celebrating a graduate so the kids are old enough to help clean your DH should be able to help clean.... so just let them do it.

 

[kamik86]

Stupid double posts... I really wish I knew why this was happening.

 

[java]

My Mom stays at a hotel with her husband when they visit. I have a "princess suite" room with a bathroom (my dd's room) but she prefers a hotel.
I have 4 kids and 2 dogs and it's noisy here. The last time they stayed here her dh got very comfortable with our snack drawer and I think she didn't like that.
So they stay at a hotel. And we had a great visit. They have a place to relax and I only had to scrub downstairs not upstairs last weekend!

 

[disykat]

OP, I totally understand! When my family comes they always stay with us. However, now that they are coming up for specific milestone events (such as the graduation you mentioned) it is HARD!

When my last son was confirmed they came on Saturday and I had 35 people coming for dinner on Sunday. The best thing that happened was we had a septic tank emergency that wasn't yet resolved when they came on Saturday. I sent them to a hotel - something I NEVER would have gotten away with otherwise. It's sad that I found a giant whole in my yard and a close call with the septic tank easier to deal with than company in my house before a large party, but it's true. Unless you have extra rooms for guests and their stuff, it's very hard to keep your house in order. They think I'm "too tidy" so they have a different idea of order than I do as well. They moved out of the hotel and in with us AFTER the party - which worked out great.

It's even sadder that my next son's confirmation is this Sunday and only part of my family is coming and I'm relieved. There's no way the septic tank pump is going to malfunction again so I'm dealing with it. The funny thing is that my mom would be SO stressed out if she was having people over right after church and had to have everything ready in the morning before leaving, you'd think she'd understand!

People need to understand that sometimes extenuating circumstances make staying in a hotel easier. In your case, I think your dh needs to make the call because it's his parents, but I'm totally sympathetic to the stress it is adding to you. I'm sure the last thing your MIL wants is to stress you out!