Am I Being Childish?

[Girls Scout Leader]

I am fit to be tied. Am I making this out to be too bad?

My DH's family is all here, in Michigan, except for one elderly aunt in Florida. We are very fond of her, and when he has had time off from work, has went down to help her out when she became widowed. We have been trying to talk her into coming back to Michigan where there is family because at 78 and alone ( all family, and her husband has either passed away or moved and she is very much a "hermit" and won't make new friends, etc.) She keeps saying when we offer to mover her that she does not want to inconvience anyone.

Well, I am getting a bit fed up with DH going down every few months with out us. There is always a good reason, the kids in school, my job, not realy enough cash for us all to go, etc. But it still gets a little bit old.

Well, Dear Aunt fell and fractured her vertabrae. Ouch. Neighbor had not seen her get her mail or something for a couple of days and checked on her. She is hosptalized, totally alone, and frightened to death.

DH had been away for a week with his Boys Scouts. Returned yesterday, packed and left this morning with his folks ( also rather elderly and is driving them down). DH is her Power of Attorney, and needs to get things taken care of for her, get his folks settled and then fly back thursday.

He know she will never be able to live alone and moving is now inevitable. This will require another trip.

NOW you want o talk about inconvience?

So now I get stuck with the kids, his business stuff, Boy Scout's trip to Michigan Adventure on Wed, his folk's mail, cats and all thier stuff, and I am just sick of this.

This is family. You take care of family.

But I am tired of being left behind!!

Last time he was there he went walking on honeymoon Island and getting handfulls of sea shells, having a wonderful mid-winter day and feeling totally guilty. He said he kept etting the feeling that he should not be ther, alone without us, knowinbg how much the kids would love it.

GOOD!

I cannot afford to go (again) .

WE are both self-employed. He is an electrician and I am a Realtor. School clothes, etc are fast approaching. And even if I could go myself with him, I cannot leave the kids (15 & 13) here and have a good time without them. Love them to peices.

So, here is my question. I am jsut having a bad day and it seems all too bad? Am I out of line?

Please Tell me something to cheer me up and make me glad that my DH is so generous with his time to help out family in crisis.

 

[canwegosoon]

OK take a deep breath, and call a friend, and ask if you can drop your kids off for a few hours, or a night. It sounds like you are burning the candle at both ends hoping that someone will realize that you need help too. That person is going to have to be you...please...go to a movie, call someone to go out to have an ice cream, and get out.

Then when your husband gets home, a day or two later, you have to talk to him...face to face, alone. I also think that your DH can not be the only one who drops everything...there has to be others that can help out. If not I would politely pack up the elderly aunt, and explain to her that everyone else is up north, and unless she is going to move into a senior housing enviroment, she needs to come with your family, and how you would love to have her with your family.

Please remember that while it seems like this is all crashing in on you , your DH prob is going through a slightly different, but just a stressful period too. Also you always have all of us to vent to...we have all been there...and I wish you the best.

 

[JESW]

Would you feel as bad if the aunt lived in some place like Alaska? Do you think it's bothering you more because she is in Florida and that (to most people) is a more desirable place to visit?

I can understand you being upset but I'm not sure what to say to make you feel better. I know I would be like that for a while, pout and have a mini inner tantrum, and then realize that my DH is doing it out of the goodness of his heart for his family. I know that if I was ever in his aunt's position I would be very thankful for someone like him.

Hope things get better for you soon!!

Jill

 

[lightningcoach]

Well we all get flustered and have bad days. You are having a normal reaction to an out of your control situation. I tell myself when I feel down about a DH difference of opinion that I am going to have a teensy weensy pity party and then I am going to thank the Lord that despite all my DH's issues he is a good dad, a good provider and cares about family.

Focus on the fact that he is teaching your children family responsibility and respect for the elderly by taking care of your aunt. And maybe he is concerned that if you all left it would cause major money problems and that would be worse down the road.

Here is a big hug from me to you!

 

[phillybeth]

Yes, you're having a bad day but no, you're not out of line. You feel what you feel and you should not try to discredit your emotions.
What your DH is doing? Is one of the reasons you fell in love with him, I am sure.

 

[HollyJoy]

Yes, take a deep breath, step back and think about things. You have every right to feel the way you do, but still.. it is family. My FIL fell recently and broke his hip, and it has come down to DH and I being the ones to take care of him... mainly ME. DH works, I do not. I just didn't feel it right for him to take off two weeks of work just to be at his father's beck and call. So he took the nights, and I took the days. That was only for two weeks. It has taken it's toll on us. DH wasn't sleeping well.. he slept so lightly, afraid that he'd miss his father calling him if he needed something. He became cranky. The girls were getting cranky from not seeing Daddy very much, and being cooped up at my FIL's all day during such wonderful summer days. I was going stir crazy and tired of spending so much time at someone elses house. Ugh. But you know, I survived, and you will too. It's hard though, I know. It may be hard to see, but you should be proud of the commitment that your DH has made. He certainly has good family values. He sounds like a very caring man.

 

[WillyJ]

I don't blame you for being upset. . . yes he is being generous with his time, but he's also putting an extra burdon on you and in my opinion that means you should have a equal say in how often/how long he goes down there. .

I mean, you both are sacraficing equally in your own ways to help her out, but since his sacrafice includes trips to Fla. and walks on the beach and your's includes staying at home and doing the mundane, difficult stuff. . . well, I can see why you fell a little fed up.

I guess it's a moot point now if it's inevitable she'll have to move back home now. . but isn't there any other relative that could have gone to help her besides him?? And does he help other relatives who don't live in Fla. ?

Oh well, looks like you won't have worry about it any more, but for what it's worth, I don't blame you being a little ticked off about the deal. .

 

[DisMN]

I went through something similar 10+ years ago. It was one of the most stressful times of my life.

My suggestions would be to dump whatEVER you can as far as responsibilities go. Find out about having your in laws mail held. Find out if there's a neighbor who can watch their cats (and remember, Cats CAN fend for themselves a bit so if you don't get to them but every few days they should be alright).......

you've got a full plate and you're doing it alone. I don't blame you for feeling some stress, envy and anger about having all these things in YOUR lap.

Look for ways to cut back and try NOT to feel guilty about doing so. Hang in there!!

 

[Girls Scout Leader]

Oh my gosh.

Thank you.

I guess that's it. We recently moved from a single wide moblie to my grandparent's home (they both passed away) and I am getting the mobile ready to sell. You know, a deep clean, some fresh paint, etc.

And here I sat this morning with my head int he oven (cleaning, not contimplating something else) and I jsut felt at a all time low.
And alone.

Yes, he is feeling some tension, that's for sure. All the people who waited for him to get back from camp with electrical jobs are being put off again. That is SO unlike him, and it makes him absolutly crazy. He feels this is unexceptable. (and it is)

and you know how it is when you own the business...you don't work, you don't get paid.

Thank you again.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

I would feel left behind too but your DH is impressive!

He also owes you a special day to make it up to you.
No kids, no cooking or whatever you like best.

 

[minniecarousel]

If she moved back near you guys, would DH be the one to still drop everything and help her? As long as there are others to help her out - I hope she gets back to Michigan soon!

No - you're perfectly within your rights to feel this way! Obviously, she will need to move back, and your DH will probably be very involved in that, but it sounds like she doesn't have much choice. I hope there aren't too many problems working all this out

Hang in there!

 

[WillyJ]

Oh, I forgot to add this. . .


If for some reason this latest incident does not stop his frequent trips down to Fla. . . (i.e. she insists on staying there) I woulkd advise you to inform him that a previously unknown relative of yours has gotten in touch with you and they will need your assistence on a semi-regular basis. . and they live in Las Vegas!

 

[Disney Doll]

First I'd like to say that you're very lucky to have such a kind DH. And he's very lucky to have such an understanding wife. I think that auntie needs the talk...you know, the one where DH says "You know dear auntie, we love you and want to help you, but flying back and forth to Florida is expensive and difficult, so we have to make arrangements for you to move back to Michigan, where you'll be closer to us so we can spend a lot of time with you and take better care of you than we can during these rushed visits".

You will probably have to put up with at least a couple of more trips to Florida to clear things up as far as her house and estate etc goes, but once she's back up in Michigan, and settled into a senior home or nursing home or wherever, it should make life a lot easier.

I will be honest with you, as a person without children, I would feel blessed to have a nephew like your DH in my old age. Sometimes folks with kids don't realize that that is a real fear of the childless. Most parents kind of assume (wrongly at times I know, but still...) that their kids will be around to help them when they get old. We childless people don't have that luxury. I know I wouild try my darndest to not be a burden, and I would like to think that I would do whatever possible to ease the burden for my nieces & nephews if they chose to help me.

You certainly have been through a lot lately. We took care of my terminally ill MIL for 3 months prior to her death, and believe me it wasn't easy. But, we do feel a great sense of satisfaction now knowing that my DMIL died surroundied by her family, having been lovingly cared for. There's no guilt there.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

You've gotten some great advice, and I have no better advice than has already been said, but a if that helps.

 

[canwegosoon]

I also have to add that as a child who grew up in a home where my father/mother were self employeed too, I remember so many stressful days...(Motel business...and I clearly remember how there was almost no food in Jan/Feb). So many times the stress of the business is being taken out on the family worse than in a 8-6 job. Once you sell the trailer, I think things will look up...I am sure that's hanging over your head too. You and your husband sound like the kind of people that would give someone their last dollar...Bless you...it will be ok. Hope the kids are ok too...

 

[soccerchick]

You've gotten lots of good advice here and I don't really have anyting else to add. I just want you to know that I realize what you are going through. My dad and great-aunt were the same. Luckily, she lived close by. We had other relatives, but they only came by to see what they could take from her house when we had to clean it out and sell it and when she finally died to see what the will said. We were so happy that the nursing home she was in took almost all of her money so their wasn't much left for them to fight over Hopefully you will find some relatives willing to help when she moves up.

There were LOTs of times my dad had to do things that were so inconvenient and since my Dh and I were also close, we always helped as well. I remember moving her out of an assisted living facility into the nursing home w/one day notice and in 2 feet of snow. Hopefully your children will see the awesome example your husband is setting. Family needs to help family. They can see now how to treat you in 50 years.

Try to hang in there.

 

[kylara]

Are you being childish, no...but you sure are drowning in stress. I am sure that your DH is too. Sounds like everything has just come to a head and you needed to vent.

Maybe a couple of things can be done. If his aunt still refuses to move north, it might be time to talk to her about moving into an assisted living facility. Florida has a lot of apartment type ones where there is extra staff on hand to help the residents if something happens and also to facilitate interaction so that they make friends with others in the building. If there is someone on staff who is assisting, chances are he would only need to go down if there was an emergency.

Also, could you enlist some family members and friends where you are to help with what you need to get down (i.e. cleaning, watching the kids etc.) That might take some of the stress off you for right now.

Lastly, not sure of the resources that the Aunt has, but it is possible if he needs to keep making trips down, that she could help with the costs. At least then your family wouldn't be bearing the entire costs of helping her.

Whatever happens, I hope that his aunt is okay, and that you all are able to work things out so that none of you is stressed and overburdened.