Am I being a hypocrite. Young adult spending question?

[eliza61]

So this is not a major fight in my house and my son and I did not argue over it but it got me to thinking.....

My son is 20, he is a great kid (well 99% of the time )
He's in college part time
He's working part time
He does save 10% of his salary (house rules)
He pays for his cell phone and most of his car expenses. We do pay his car insurance. Since his car is our old nissan, it's 15 years old with 200K it doesn't really add to our insurance.

Now, he is an asperger kid so he does have one fault. He's very reactionary, meaning it's hard for him to connect action to consequences.

Anyhoo,
He brought a nook book reader. problem is he is not a big reader in fact because of his syndrome he really doesn't like reading except for a few books.

When I asked him why he brought a nook he said because he like playing solitare on my kindle fire...

So we talked about would he really get the value out of a nook, could he went with a less expensive alternative and we also talked about the nook that's sitting in the kitchen draw that dad had to have and no longer uses.

So then I felt a little hypocritical because,
1) We've always said once they save and pay for their "bills", money is to be enjoyed.
2) I've always said that everyone makes mistakes with money and it was ok, but now I feel like a heel for "critiquing" (sp) his spending

3) I brought a new dslr camera when I had a perfectly good one at home, so in a sense I brought some thing I didn't need also. Although I use my camera all the time.

***sighs**** darn it, I feel like scrooge mcduck but I know this kid will not use this nook reader but for a few days then it will join his dad's ereader in the junk draw.

 

[queenofthehive]

Sometimes it is best to let kids figure their mistakes on their own... It is part of growing up.

 

[angierae]

If he's paying his bills and contributing to his savings, then his "fun" money is his to spend. Maybe buying something and then having "buyer's remorse" will be a good lesson to learn.

 

[sksjasams]

Sometimes it is best to let kids figure their mistakes on their own... It is part of growing up.

I completely agree. There is nothing wrong with letting him know your opinion, but its not the end of the world. Every kid, and lots of adults buy stuff that they later rethink.

To smooth things over, just tell him you thought about it, and if he's happy, then you are happy too.

 

[Chloesmom]

He worked for the money and sounds responsible in every other aspect . He should be allowed to buy what he wants . Do you critique his day to day spending such as a candy bar or snack ? He doesn't need those either . Let him be the adult he is and be thankful he is responsible as he is . I have a 40 year old brother who isn't that responsible .

 

[Sadie22]

Perhaps if the device, which i'm assuming he purchased, is truly only used for a few days it could be either returned for credit or sold to recoup some value, as opposed to being placed in a junk drawer.

 

[LAH LAH]

Eliza,

I have a 15 year old PDD boy, and my guess is you aren't so much reacting to this purchase but more so worried about the future purchases. I'm not there yet (age wise for my son), but I totally get where you are coming from. I already have visions of my son in a tiny apartment lined wall to wall with infomercial boxes.

Good luck!

 

[HM]

I agree that giving your opinion is fine, but let him do what he wants with his money. I also don't see the value in a lot of what my son buys, but he does. He may also be able to load books for college classes on his Nook, so it might work out that way for him as well.

 

[happygirl]

He's working and paying his bills. I don't think you should have said anything to him

 

[ilovemk76]

So this is not a major fight in my house and my son and I did not argue over it but it got me to thinking.....

My son is 20, he is a great kid (well 99% of the time )
He's in college part time
He's working part time
He does save 10% of his salary (house rules)
He pays for his cell phone and most of his car expenses. We do pay his car insurance. Since his car is our old nissan, it's 15 years old with 200K it doesn't really add to our insurance.

Now, he is an asperger kid so he does have one fault. He's very reactionary, meaning it's hard for him to connect action to consequences.

Anyhoo,
He brought a nook book reader. problem is he is not a big reader in fact because of his syndrome he really doesn't like reading except for a few books.

When I asked him why he brought a nook he said because he like playing solitare on my kindle fire...

So we talked about would he really get the value out of a nook, could he went with a less expensive alternative and we also talked about the nook that's sitting in the kitchen draw that dad had to have and no longer uses.

So then I felt a little hypocritical because,
1) We've always said once they save and pay for their "bills", money is to be enjoyed.
2) I've always said that everyone makes mistakes with money and it was ok, but now I feel like a heel for "critiquing" (sp) his spending

3) I brought a new dslr camera when I had a perfectly good one at home, so in a sense I brought some thing I didn't need also. Although I use my camera all the time.

***sighs**** darn it, I feel like scrooge mcduck but I know this kid will not use this nook reader but for a few days then it will join his dad's ereader in the junk draw.

Am I being a hypocrite. YES

He was playing by the house rules when he made this purchase. He might only play solitaire on it right now but that does not mean he will not branch our in the future.

I do not have tons of apps on my IPhone and IPad, but the ones I have I love and play them all the time.

At 20, he needs to learn to make smart choices without hearing his mother tell hm he made another bad choice.

 

[eliza61]

Thanks guys.

I think part of hte problem is that I always worry that with his disability he can't process "cause and effect" or long term things. It's hard for him to understand "savings for a rainy day". He does save primarily because we make it a rule for everyone. So it's hard to judge if he'll grasp it like any other 20 year old.

I did keep the conversation very light. As a general rule we would never tell him some thing he did was "bad" unless it was major (fighting stealing etc). He's going to California in August with his cousins and uncle and I did remind him he has to have spending money for that.

10 lashes with a wet pixie stick for me. appreciate everyone's help.

 

[ccgirl]

So this is not a major fight in my house and my son and I did not argue over it but it got me to thinking.....

My son is 20, he is a great kid (well 99% of the time )
He's in college part time
He's working part time
He does save 10% of his salary (house rules)
He pays for his cell phone and most of his car expenses. We do pay his car insurance. Since his car is our old nissan, it's 15 years old with 200K it doesn't really add to our insurance.

Now, he is an asperger kid so he does have one fault. He's very reactionary, meaning it's hard for him to connect action to consequences.

Anyhoo,
He brought a nook book reader. problem is he is not a big reader in fact because of his syndrome he really doesn't like reading except for a few books.

When I asked him why he brought a nook he said because he like playing solitare on my kindle fire...

So we talked about would he really get the value out of a nook, could he went with a less expensive alternative and we also talked about the nook that's sitting in the kitchen draw that dad had to have and no longer uses.

So then I felt a little hypocritical because,
1) We've always said once they save and pay for their "bills", money is to be enjoyed.
2) I've always said that everyone makes mistakes with money and it was ok, but now I feel like a heel for "critiquing" (sp) his spending

3) I brought a new dslr camera when I had a perfectly good one at home, so in a sense I brought some thing I didn't need also. Although I use my camera all the time.

***sighs**** darn it, I feel like scrooge mcduck but I know this kid will not use this nook reader but for a few days then it will join his dad's ereader in the junk draw.

IMHO, as long as he is following the house rules, such as saving 10%, the rest of the money is his to do with as he wishes. I think eating out is the biggest waste. Personally, I would rather see my son buying a reader than eating out constantly. YMMV.

 

[spima3]

Well, I will have to join you, because I would have done the same thing!

I just wonder for all those parents here who say to let them learn their own lessons, would you bail them out later in life if they made foolish choices?

For instance, they bought a new "toy" but then can't pay their rent/insurance, etc.?

I know quite a few people who are helping to support their grown children due to the kids' foolish, short sighted decisions.

Just curious?

lori

 

[worm761]

Thanks guys.

I think part of the problem is that I always worry that with his disability he can't process "cause and effect" or long term things. It's hard for him to understand "savings for a rainy day". He does save primarily because we make it a rule for everyone. So it's hard to judge if he'll grasp it like any other 20 year old.

I did keep the conversation very light. As a general rule we would never tell him some thing he did was "bad" unless it was major (fighting stealing etc). He's going to California in August with his cousins and uncle and I did remind him he has to have spending money for that.

10 lashes with a wet pixie stick for me. appreciate everyone's help.

Do NOT feel bad. I have an Aspie too so I totally get where you are coming from. I make DS put part of his allowance in a savings account. The rest he gets in cash. When he wants to buy something we have the exact same conversation. He is 16. He wanted to buy a toy gun at Disney. While it may look fun at Disney, it won't get touched again and is therefore a waste of money.

Our kids don't "learn the lesson the hard way". They keep making the same mistake. They don't get it like "normal" people do. You did the right thing having the chat with him about why it was a bad purchase. Here's to hoping that he will make better decisions in the future!

 

[ccgirl]

Well, I will have to join you, because I would have done the same thing!

I just wonder for all those parents here who say to let them learn their own lessons, would you bail them out later in life if they made foolish choices?

For instance, they bought a new "toy" but then can't pay their rent/insurance, etc.?

I know quite a few people who are helping to support their grown children due to the kids' foolish, short sighted decisions.

Just curious?

lori

No, I wouldn't. I'm very much a you reap what you sow person.

Do NOT feel bad. I have an Aspie too so I totally get where you are coming from. I make DS put part of his allowance in a savings account. The rest he gets in cash. When he wants to buy something we have the exact same conversation. He is 16. He wanted to buy a toy gun at Disney. While it may look fun at Disney, it won't get touched again and is therefore a waste of money.

Our kids don't "learn the lesson the hard way". They keep making the same mistake. They don't get it like "normal" people do. You did the right thing having the chat with him about why it was a bad purchase. Here's to hoping that he will make better decisions in the future!

Was it really a bad purchase though? I think what other 20 year olds are purchasing and I think it's right in line. Maybe I'm wrong though.

 

[LJSquishy]

I think it was smart of you to talk to him about it. Was it his choice to purchase the Nook? Yes. Is it your motherly instinct to continue to guide him even at age 20? Yes.

It sounds to me like you didn't lecture him about how he didn't need a Nook, but rather you sort of discussed with him why it may not have been a wise purchase and that he may end up regretting spending the money on it. If he doesn't end up using it, he will learn from his mistake...or maybe not. A lot of adults buy fancy new toys thinking they will use them and after a month or so, they forget about them. If he can afford it, there is nothing technically wrong with him buying things on a whim. I think he will learn. A good mother would have said something to him -- a 20 year old is still a kid in many ways, especially a male, and most kids respect their parents' opinions at all ages. I am 28, married at age 21, and have always heard my parents out before making a major decision -- they have been there, done that, and taking their advice at times has really been beneficial. Good for you to continuing to help guide him and encourage him to save a portion of his income no matter how small it may be.

 

[MineMail]

***sighs**** darn it, I feel like scrooge mcduck but I know this kid will not use this nook reader but for a few days then it will join his dad's ereader in the junk draw.

It doesn't have to end up in the junk drawer. If he sets it aside, you can offer to help him sell it to someone else. That way, it doesn't go to waste and he recoups some of his investment.

Stop beating yourself up for having the discussion about his purchase. From what you're saying, you didn't do anything wrong. Yes, you have to let them make mistakes, but this was an opportunity to discuss what he really wants/needs. It was a way to teach him to research what meets those wants/needs. I think he probably learned from both the error and the discussion.

Does he like playing solotaire on the Nook? Are there other things he can do with it? Sounds like he liked the screen size and interface of your Kindle Fire; are there similar things for the Nook? Is there anyway to use the Nook to enable his reading, like narrated books?

 

[NYCDiane]

If he's paying his bills and contributing to his savings, then his "fun" money is his to spend. Maybe buying something and then having "buyer's remorse" will be a good lesson to learn.

^^^^^ Yes to this!!


As for you buying a new DSLR when you already have one? You probably upgraded and if you use the camera all the time, then it's not a frivolous purchase! I have a regular digital camera and WISH I could get a DSLR! I use my camera constantly and take some great photos but I know they would be better with a higher megapixel DSLR. The one I have my eye on is about $1100 (it's a package deal) and eventually I'll get it!

 

[worm761]

Was it really a bad purchase though? I think what other 20 year olds are purchasing and I think it's right in line. Maybe I'm wrong though.

Bad is not the word I would choose. Useless or poor would be words I would use. Kind of like my pasta maker. A totally useless purchase. I wanted it, thought I would use, and it collects dust in my kitchen. Yep, useless purchase. We all make them. Her son just needs a lot more guidance than one without an Aspie would think.
My son has some amazing abilities. Making smart money choices is not one of them.

 

[mrsklamc]

Being 20 and having a job does not automatically make you wise. My parents were rarely part of my life starting at 14 and I wish I had had someone around to have these kinds of talks early in life, instead of learning things the hard way.