Am I an uptight mother?

[smkiya]

Ok, so DD is 5. For her birthday my sil offered to pay for a visit to the hairdresser. I know it is because when dh goes to his mothers on the weekend while I'm at work, her hair is a mess. DD is biracial so her hair is thick and curly. I have no problems styling her hair, but dh does. When we got to the salon, her 6 year old cousin says, "You're going to get your hair straightened so it's not poofy anymore." In the back of my head, I'm thinking, oh no she's not! Dsil intended to have her hair relaxed with chemicals to make it straighter, without asking me. Initially she didn't even expect me to come, but she was running late and asked me to meet her. I was planning on going anyway, to supervise. The hairdresser said that she was too young to get her hair relaxed, but could probably have it done next summer. I plainly said, "I don't want her hair relaxed at all." DD enjoyed the wash, trim, and curl... she was very good and was very cute in the chair. I don't see anything wrong with getting her hair cut at the salon, but that's where I draw the line. Dsil says at the end, see her hair looks so healthy now that she's had it trimmed. The hairdresser has known dsil for 14 years and I felt very uncomfortable being there. You know that feeling you get when you know you're the butt of a joke.

Dsil also has 2 girls 12 and 14. They have been going to the salon regularly to get their nails done (with false nails), highlights, and eyebrows waxed. I'm very low maintenance, I've never had my eyebrows waxed & I don't get my nails done. I will never agree to let my daughter have her eyebrows waxed, and have fake nails put on (senior prom, maybe if she asks for the nails). To me, there is so much more I'd rather spend my money on and I don't see the point. If someone is judging me because my eyebrows are too thick for their liking, then I don't care to associate with them. That's what I'm trying to teach dd, and its getting more difficult now that she's getting older and is being influenced by dsil and her kids. I didn't even get into the clothes (black high heels, etc.) and makeup. The 12 year old has been wearing black eyeliner for a couple years now, and the 14 year old wears it all for several years. Is this what I should expect, or am I just uptight?

 

[ckay87]

I don't agree with very much of your second paragraph. IF I had a daughter and she was interested in hair and makeup, I'd just go with it. But I understand that people have different opinions on this.

Your first paragraph, I am completely on your side. What your SIL did seemed very controlling. Now, I am famous for overanalyzing things, but when she said "see doesn't it look so much healthier NOW" that implies that you were not capable of taking care of your daughter's hair yourself. I'd be annoyed. I have a SIL who would do exactly this sort of thing, so you have my sympathy.

 

[C.Ann]

Your child - your rules - and no, I don't think you're being "uptight"..

We seem to be living in an "anything goes society" and so many parents are afraid to say "no" to their kids - or to others.. They give a whole laundry list of reasons:

"My child will be left out."
"My child will stand out as different."
"All of the other kids are doing it - it's just the new norm."

And on and on.. If children are allowed to do things based on the list above, there is no individuality.. They become followers rather than leaders.. Eventually the parents lose control and then they wonder why..

Do what you feel is best/right for your child - and don't let her go to the hair salon with your Dsil anymore..

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, Your SIL was out of line. At 5, your DD, should be allowed to be a little girl and not preoccupied with whether her hair/looks "fit in". It sounds like it was a good thing you were there!

TC

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I would be upset that she planned on having my dd's hair relaxed. Dd6 and 8 have fine, straight hair, and if my SIL took them in for a perm behind my back, I'd be livid.

However, I see nothing wrong with girls wanting their nails to look nice, have their eyebrows waxed (dd8 needs hers done, and I'll take her when she asks - I plucked my eyebrows in JH), and having their hair done. Just because these things don't interest you, they might interest your dd.

I'm sitting here in sweatpants, and no makeup. Dd13 wouldn't be caught dead looking like I do right now! She gets up 1 1/2 hours before school to primp (light makeup, flat iron, pick out the perfect outfit). From the looks of things, this is normal (I remember drying and curling my hair every day when I was in MS/HS).

All of my girls have been going to a salon to get their hair cut and blown out since they had hair. They've all been treated to mani/pedi's (we have tons of nail salons - $10). Now, if dd13 wanted a manicure on a regular basis, I'd have no problem with that, provided she used her own money (she'd have to give up her starbucks habit).

 

[NMAmy]

I will never agree to let my daughter have her eyebrows waxed, and have fake nails put on (senior prom, maybe if she asks for the nails).

Your dd is 5. It's always a bad idea to say you'll never do something until you're in that situation. Believe me, I know this from experience.

I do agree with you that 5 is way too young to be worrying about more than just getting her hair cut and I'd have been ticked with the SIL.

I'm not a high maintenance woman myself but dd loves doing all that girly stuff. She got herself a job when she was a teenager and got her eyebrows waxed and gets a regular pedicure and got a pink streak in her hair as part of a fundraiser for breast cancer research. My first thought was to say no (well not to the fundraiser--it was a good cause) but with all the other stuff you have to worry about with teens, pedicures and eyeliner and eyebrow waxing is just so minor. You might change your mind if your dd wants to do that when she's a teen.

 

[joyjoy]

Ugh. It drives me crazy when people find it necessary alter characteristics of one's ethnicity through chemicals and whatnot. And how RUDE to imply to a 5 year old that her natural hair isn't good enough! Poor thing. I completely agree with the way you handled it.

 

[hegsag]

OP, Your SIL was out of line. At 5, your DD, should be allowed to be a little girl and not preoccupied with whether her hair/looks "fit in". It sounds like it was a good thing you were there!

TC

I absolutely agree!

 

[themilesfamily]

SIL sounds overbearing and I would have been offended by the whole salon experience. Your daughter's appearance is really none of her beeswax and her comments undermine you as a mother.

As for the makeup and spa services for young girls -- I think girls are doing this type of thing much earlier than when I was young, (in the 1970's.)

I was 11 when I got my ears pierced -- my five year old begged to have hers pierced and we got it done last month. My five year old has a makeup kit filled with things from Claire's -- fingernail polishes and lip glosses. I didn't have a stitch of makeup until I was probably 13.

My five year old has also asked for a cell phone and a ride in a limo -- UM, yeah, we draw the line there!!

I guess I don't feel like it's wrong or unusual for young girls to experiment with their appearance -- and be prepared for them to ask for these things at a younger age than you would expect.

Just remember that you're the mom and your rules go!!

 

[Heidict]

Hair straightening at 5 years old? Is she crazy or just shallow? Sounds like she was going to go behind your back and do what she wants to do. Ugh, so frustrating. I feel for you. You just have to be vocal about what you will not allow and stand strong with her or she will do this same thing again in a couple of years.

There is no way I would let my 12 or 14 year old daughter have fake nails, so not necessary. If they want nails, God gave us natural ones. They can grow them.

The eyebrows, yeah, I would allow her to wax them when she reached an age where she wants them done.

But, your daughter, your house, your rules.

 

[Jennasis]

Not uptight at all. Your kid, your rules. 5 IS too young for chemical processing of her hair. Your SIL is out of line.

 

[Sparx]

DEFINITELY a no to putting chemicals on the head of a 5 year old.

 

[VillageMama]

It may be common these days for young teens to focus on their appearance but I don't think it is "normal" or healthy.

I know quite a few young teens girls who are not immersed in today's youth culture (in this case, they are homeschooled) and they are not interested in make-up, nails, hair, etc... Of course, they want to look nice but they have not absorbed the desire to be dolled up. I think it's more of a peer pressure thing.

To me, there are things that are feminine and there are things that are womanly. I allow my young daughters to do what I feel are feminine things... delicate jewelry, a hairdo on special occasions... but I don't allow womanly things... make-up, false nails, heeled shoes or panyhose.

Be strong in your choices, OP!

 

[4nana]

I agree with C.Ann.

 

[punkin]

Anyone seen "Good Hair"? It is downright terrifying what African American women do to themselves. Anyway, I assume that you are white and your SIL is not. It is a completely foreign culture when it comes to hair, with so many undercurrents and subtexts that white people just do not get a lot of times. The movie was eye-opening to me. My DD17 has beautiful curly hair and all her Black girlfriends were always trying to get her to relax it. I never understood why until I saw the movie.

However, that being said, I am in complete agreement with you. Don't let anyone touch that baby's hair.

 

[ginna74]

I have to say I was guilty of something similar but the kids were older. I had come to the area with my husband for the first time to live. I met my SIL who was (still is) a couch potato, didn't have a Drivers lisence and such. she depended on the whole family to take her around (she didn't have a job either). I think she was around 40 at the time. My husband and I kind of took the duty to be the taxi. ANYWAYS, I met her biracial children and they just had like five feet of hair and used the 99 cent shampoo. I asked her if she ever thought of getting a special type of shampoo and she said there wasn't any in our area. Well, I went to the nearest target I think and there it was!!! She didn't have a problem though with me getting it, I just think it was a problem of money really though. I did take her to get her hair done too and from then on it was managable and not just sticking up everywear. I think she was about 12 and her brother was about 14?? The mom never spent any time on their hair and my poor niece tryed to put ponytails in her hair and it just wasn't working out. I am not saying you are like that at all, just this was my situation. I am guilty too but I dont regret it at all. This was like 11 years ago and I haven't seen her hair like it was sense (am talking about the not brushed and such). Same thing went for my nephew too.

and No I don't think you are uptight, it isn't like you are not taking care of your daughter like the above.

 

[smkiya]

I'm becoming concerned with the influence dd is getting from dsil and her kids. DD had no interest in getting her nails done until her cousins started doing them for her on the weekends. I'm not saying that a little polish here and there is a BIG deal, but it seems to be leading to so much more. And as a pp mentioned, I don't want dd to think that her natural hair is not beautiful, because it really is! The whole, "so your hair isn't poofy anymore" really gets to me. She's 5. How do I approach dsil without being a witch (sp?), what would you say?

 

[3boymthr]

You're right to think SIL was out of line when she wanted to straighten your DD hair without your approval.

But....

Not allowing your DD to do "girly" things like putting on fake nails, etc. because it doesn't fit your image of beauty is definitely asking for trouble. She's more apt to rebel and do these things anyway when you're not looking. I had a friend who was not allowed to wear makeup until she was 18 and out from under her mom's daily rule. Her mom told her that she was naturally beautiful and didn't ever need any improvement. She also wasn't allowed to wear jeans or pants and had to wear dresses to her ankles (her mom had aspirations to be Amish ). She had to wear her hair in a braided bun. She had very blotchy skin tone and other kids made fun of her skin and of her hair and clothing (kids can be CRUEL if you are different for reasons other than disability). Eventually she bought some makeup on the sly and then every day as soon as she would get to school and take the makeup out of the locker and put it on - then would restyle her hair to make it stylish. She could go from nothing to everything in 3 minutes flat. It would get washed off and the hair would go back up in the bun just before her mom was due to get home from work. If there is a will there is a way - and sometimes the influence of friends works stronger than the influence of moms. So while I don't think she needs to do the beauty routines at 5 but if she wants to try them at JRHS or HS level I would definitely let her. And wouldn't you rather she do these things in a way that's acceptable?

 

[pigletgirl]

No, I think you're a good mother! A 5 year old is much too young imo.

 

[smkiya]

Anyone seen "Good Hair"? It is downright terrifying what African American women do to themselves. Anyway, I assume that you are white and your SIL is not. It is a completely foreign culture when it comes to hair, with so many undercurrents and subtexts that white people just do not get a lot of times. The movie was eye-opening to me. My DD17 has beautiful curly hair and all her Black girlfriends were always trying to get her to relax it. I never understood why until I saw the movie.

However, that being said, I am in complete agreement with you. Don't let anyone touch that baby's hair.

No actually dsil is white, and I heard about the movie you are refering to. It seems like a very interesting documentary.