Am I a Witch with a B??

[ZPT1022]

--------------------------------------

She is..or at least she's trying - but it doesn't seem to meet the household standards that the OP has in place..

This is an elderly grandmother with problems that may or may not impair her abilities.. She does laundry every day and places it near the appropriate rooms (but "doesn't put it away") - she puts her dish in the sink ("not the dishwasher") - and didn't clean the bathroom to the OP's standards.. Yet the remark is made that she is "sitting on the couch all day doing nothing.."

Something doesn't add up here because a person can not do all of those things and yet never get off the couch..

OP's intentions may have been good, but I don't think she's up to dealing with this kind of situation.. Not good for OP and not good for Grandma.. I think she needs to look into other options..

It's always hard when two households merge, or collide as the case may be. I'd bet that a nice talk about how much it is appreciated would go pretty far, as well as adding in things like "we all really try to put the dishes in the dishwasher so it's easier when it's time to run it" not accusatory, but it lets Grandma know what is the norm around there. There are adjustments to be made on both ends, and it probably won't be that easy but it doesn't have to be really awful either. I don't necessarily think it has to be the end all of the living arrangements either. Obviously OP cares and I actually think it's good that she came here to blow off a little steam and not keeping it all in or keeping it all in the household where it might just add to any stress. Probably a better outlet here than at home somewhere.

 

[C.Ann]

If Grandma weren't there who would be doing these chores?

------------------------------------

Well - I'll tell you what my Mom always told me: "If you want things done YOUR way then YOU have to do them.."

If a missplaced towel, a shower curtain that isn't closed, and a non-wiping down of a counter equals a "filthy bathroom", then I have the gut feeling that nothing "Grandma" does will be good enough..

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, a difficult situation for all involved.

The OP, because she has the responsibility for someone who may not be mentally up to par. Yet, she is her grandmother, and it is very hard to admit when those who were always the "grown-ups" in our life...in charge, capable, the ones to whom we turned for advice and guidance...suddenly are not capable of functioning that way. That's hard to reconcile.

The grandmother, because she is not able to function independently, is probably somewhat saddened by that, and is trying her best. Add to that mental illness, and a granddaughter who has somewhat exacting standards as far as caring for her home, and it's a recipe for disaster.

Based on what you said about your grandmother's mental illness, it sounds like the laundry thing is something that gives your grandmother some calm...a repetitive task that she can do, and presumably do well, gives her a sense of control and accomplishment. Perhaps, similar to an OCD person who has to do certain rituals in order to feel a sense of calm and control, the whole laundry thing is your grandmother's "ritual".

Your grandmother is not the woman she was when you were younger. She is older, she is mentally ill. She is not going to be able to function the way you want her to. Yes, she should do some things aorund the house for you, but just like you wouldn't expect a 2 year old to be able to clean the bathroom to your standards, nor should you expect your 74 year old somehat disabled (and mental illness is a disability just like physical illness) grandmother to do so.

The suggestions about giving simple, specific instructions is a good one. But, like it or not, you will also need to lower your expectations about your grandmother's capabilites, accept what she can do for you. If you don't, you'll drive yourself insane.

 

[Cool-Beans]

No, I wouldn't expect my mentally ill grandmother to keep house for me.

 

[inaminute]

Well - I'll tell you what my Mom always told me: "If you want things done YOUR way then YOU have to do them.."

If a missplaced towel, a shower curtain that isn't closed, and a non-wiping down of a counter equals a "filthy bathroom", then I have the gut feeling that nothing "Grandma" does will be good enough..

That's exactly my point. The OP expects her mentally ill grandmother to help her with the chores and is complaining because she left to do all the housework. My question was really a reminder that all of those chores need to be done whether grandma is there or not. Most likely, it would all fall to the OP to do--even the laundry.

I told my DH about this thread and asked what he thought. He laughed and said I'd probably be jumping for joy to have someone wash and fold the laundry on a daily basis. He was right.

 

[Va-bear]

I'd let my grandmother do all the laundry she wanted and leave it politely on the bed. I would not ask her to scrub toilets.

She's elderly and not completely well - the deserves peace and respect. If she did nothing at all all day, so be it. Can your children not help out with the cleaning you are getting behind on?

I hope things go alright for you guys. You are wonderful for taking her in.

 

[KristinBelle]

Yes, just answering your question.


I wish my grandmother was still around to do "nothing" all day.