Am I a selfish mom?

[goofyshell]

I love my kids and want them to come first. Honestly, I believe I do. But lately I find myself resenting that my dh never thinks there's time or money for the two of us. We have $500 for competitive soccer and $300 for soccer camp and money for a fence so they can have a dog, but there's not money for us to go to a hotel an hour away for a night. (Never mind actually take a trip somewhere together.) I don't resent the kids, I resent my dh not making time or money for us. I really think he just assumes that someday the kids will all be gone and then we'll have time. We don't even date anymore, and we used to all the time. Am I being selfish (I don't want the kids not to have things, I just want stuff too)? Really, I'm asking. What do you think?

 

[JCJRSmith]

No you are not being selfish. You just want some adult time with your husband.

 

[Tiggeroo]

you are not beng selfish. You need to find a way to get time with you dh. If money is an issue try doing something cheap a couple times. Maybe then you dh will realize you need to spend more time alone. We get busy, the kids need things and time, and we put ourselves last. Most parents do this. A good thing for couples is to each help the other out when you get into a rut like this.

 

[momrek06]

OP: I know this is probably the most "lame-est" statement to make BUT it is really true....for now the KIDS and before you even turn around they will be GONE...yup they will. My DS' are 23 and 20 away at college (Master's and Soph Undergrad) (and yet NOT officially out of the house just AWAY) but I miss them so much BUT at the same time love just being here with DH and me alone. It feels like just yesterday we were running them to Little League and Soccer and Boy Scouts and Sunday School and now....those days are gone...long gone. Last year when youngest DS left for college, DH and I went to FLA for 2 weeks ALONE....AWESOME....THIS YEAR a REPEAT vacation to FLA and this time 3 weeks ALONE!!! Heaven On Earth !!!!

OP: Do not FRET, soon enough it will be you and DH all alone!!! But for now please those babes as before you know it they will be off to college, out on their own and ALL GROWN UP!!!!

 

[goofyshell]

Sigh. You are so right. I KNOW they will be gone soon and I feel like I have to fight the sun every day to make it last a little longer because they are slipping through my fingers. But I don't want to have to reintroduce myself to dh when they leave.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I don't think you're selfish.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

I don't think you're being selfish. Yes, the kids come first. But, you still have a relationship to maintain with your husband. If you don't regularly "date" or do things with just each other, you will probably eventually grow apart. And you do not want to lose your relationship with your husband.
If money is an issue, try to cut back somewhere. Maybe buy some generics of products (although some really aren't as good). Or maybe find a part time job where you only work a few hours a week. Heck, maybe have a garage sale and get rid of some old stuff. That can create an amazing amount of money.

But you really do need to keep up your relationship with your husband.

 

[camreesmom]

No, you're not selfish. I know how you feel but sometimes at our house, it is DH who feels the way that you do. For Mother's Day this year, though, I told him that I didn't want a gift. Just a card and for the two of us to go do something without the kids. Then tomorrow when it is actually Mother's Day, just to relax around the house with the kids. We got a babysitter for the afternoon and went out for a late lunch and then a movie. I didn't know how to act being able to actually hold an adult conversation just the two of us! It's hard when you have kids, but like you said, you don't want to have to reintroduce yourself to your hubby after the kids are grown.

Enjoy your day tomorrow!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Sigh. You are so right. I KNOW they will be gone soon and I feel like I have to fight the sun every day to make it last a little longer because they are slipping through my fingers. But I don't want to have to reintroduce myself to dh when they leave.

The 2 things don't have to be mutually exclusive. I do treasure my days with my children and yes, they are starting to leave the nest (my oldest is on college, one in high school, one in middle school, and one in kindergarten), but that doesn't mean that my time with my DH is any less important. I can have and treasure my time with my childern and enjoy some time alone with my DH.

How old are your kids? Why isn't it important for your DH to spend time alone with you? Or is it that he doesn't want to spend the money?

 

[MouseWorshipin]

This is completely Off Topic, my apologies to the poster (who I think deserves the best of both worlds) ...but this has been bugging me for a while.

T&B - Did you have exceptionally long labors? Because your egg baby does not seem to be able to get born!

I was able to hatch a Loaf Of Bread - gave birth to something not even capable of being born!, in less time.

 

[disykat]

You have the responsibility of modeling for your children how to be a good partner to their future spouse. Watching you put your relationship in the #1 position occasionally would be good for them! I don't think you are selfish at all - and I think by constantly putting them first, you (not specifically YOU, we're all guilty of it sometimes) could be teaching them to be selfish. It's a balance - IMO always having it tipped in their favor isn't doing them any favors.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First of all, how old are your kids?? I used to feel the same way.

I think that does matter to some extent. DH and I feel like we are "dating again". My kids are 9 & 15 and never want to go anywhere with us anymore.

It is so strange but yet it is great! DH and I go out to dinners, lunches, shopping, movies, without the kids.

Now of course sometimes we lay our foot down and make them go for some family time out of the house.
DH works from home, I am a SAHM, so we have tons of "family time" at home now and I think the kids are happy to get a break.

 

[powellrj]

no you aren't selfish. You have to keep your marriage alive for your children. We went through a phase where we weren't going out together and its hard to get into the habit of dating again.

There are lots of things you can do that don't cost alot like walks in the park and drives in the car. We like to go out in the afternoons because not only is it cheaper, its better for us because usually by the time evening comes we are too tired to go out and have a good time!

 

[tmt martins]

Take charge and stop leaving it up to DH to make those plans. My DW was a all about the DD wife and spent every moment devoted to DD (now she had a hard life growing up so I understood). When I thought DD was old enough to understand that we needed time together I just started making plans be it a night at the movies or a 4 day get away to vegas.

DW looks forward to our trips now and yes we miss the kid when we're away but not to the point that we don't enjoy ourselves.

 

[VSL]

I don't think you're being selfish.

Everyone needs a bit of 'me' and/or 'us' time - and it can help you become a better mother in the long term.

 

[mickeyfan2]

The best environment for kids to grow up in is one where the parents tend to them and to their marriage.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

This is completely Off Topic, my apologies to the poster (who I think deserves the best of both worlds) ...but this has been bugging me for a while.

T&B - Did you have exceptionally long labors? Because your egg baby does not seem to be able to get born!

I was able to hatch a Loaf Of Bread - gave birth to something not even capable of being born!, in less time.

Yes, I did have long labors, but it's time for my egg thingy to be born, already. I would delete it, but then it will evolve into something neat. I do like your loaf of bread, but think about it...how long does it take for yeast to rise? There was another May hatch that I saw that I like, too.

 

[Mercy]

The most important thing you can do for your children is maintain a healthy, loving relationship with your husband. It sets a good example for them when it comes time for them to be wives/husbands. Remember children learn by example.

If you have no relationship now, what will happen when the kids are grown and gone? My husband and I go out often. Of course, my youngest is 16 now, so it makes it easier, but we tried to do things together all along even when they were younger.