Am I a horrible parent if I use a harness?

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My child holds my hand sometimes, and sometimes I hold the harness. Even when she is holding my hand, she still wore the harness, it's quite easy to slip out of a hand. it's also not very comfortable to walk for a long time with your hand above your head holding a parents hand.

I think a big part of the different viewpoint here is that much of your shopping/walking will be done in a mall, or other reasonably safe place, whereas we walk all the time on streets next to traffic. To take my dd to school, we walk down a road, across a main road with many buses and lorrys and down another road. My 6 year old holds my hand and knows not to go in the road. When the baby is old enough to walk, it will be in a harness, just like it's sister was until she is old enough to be trusted next to traffic. I would expect that will be sometime between the ages of 2 and 3, but it will obviously depend on the child.

Bev
 
I had to chime in this time on this one. I have a 7year old girl and a 2 year old girl. I have never used a harness on either one of them. However, I sure have thought about it. Example: At the grocery store, 2 year old in the cart, 7 year old looking at candy, I am trying to pay the cashier (who is carrying on a conversation with the bagger), the 2 year old wants to get out to look at candy too. I would like to let her but I know my attention is paying the cashier. It would be great to have a harness for something like this because one second of looking away and your kid can be hurt or kidnapped.

To the person who has the schedule worked out with his wife, hurray for you (serious not sarcastic). However, MOST people can not do that. I have a business career and my husband is a Physical Therapist so we have 8 to 5, 5 days a week schdules. So, while your situation works for you it is not a common one. As you did not want people remarking on your parenting skills so should you not assume to know anyone elses.

I personally do not use harness' but I do understand the reason for them. Today's world is in no way as child friendly as it used to be when I was growing up.

I agree that there are some people that would use them as a way to not have to keep an eye on their child but I don't think that is the majority of people.

I say use it if you want.
 
I used it last September for my then 2.5 yr old. It worked well, he still pulled a great deal. What I found worked best was to hook the 'hook' part onto the belt loop of his shorts and I attached another 'hook' on the wrist end and then attached it to my belt loop. It gave me a better feeling that I didn't "have him on a leash". We are going again this September and he and I have already been talking about using it and actually played around together with it, walking in the yard.
Also, We NEVER[/B] call it a leash!! We call it a Connector ;)
He is 'connected' to me and I am 'connected' to him!!
 
I think that just like different parents have different parenting styles, it's important to remember that all children are very different. Some children learn to obey and respect rules much easier than others. Some children are by nature very impulsive! No mater how good a job parents do at being consistent, and setting boundries, these children are just not able to contain themselves.
Parents are also very differnt in their ability to handle the stress of constant supervision of a toddler.
I reponded eary in the post with encouragment for the OP to use the leash. I think that for many parents this is the best choice and I would never look down at a parent for making the decision that helps them keep thier child safe.
Yes, for many children the leash is not necessay. I was given one as a baby shower gift and used it a time or two. I was not comfortable with it and could indeed control by son without it. At one point I had my sisters boys as well as my own and often took them out when they were 1,2,4&4 with no leashes. For many parents, that would not be doable and for them that lease can make life so much easier!!!!
I still say you have to do what is right for your family.

Jordan's mom
 

As you did not want people remarking on your parenting skills so should you not assume to know anyone elses.

I never said I minded anyone commenting on my parenting skills. Go ahead. As a parent, I know I'm right. I just think that a person who is treated like an animal tends to act like one. Maybe the reason the child won't listen without a leash is because it was never taught how to behave. Putting a child on a leash does not teach him to respect boundaries, it teaches him that the only way to have someone behave is at the end of a leash...like an animal.
 
Different children have different developmental abilities to understand and respect limits at certain ages. Toddlerhood shows the greatest range of behavioral variation. Just because one man's daughter is obedient and self-controlled doesn't mean that another mom doesn't have an impulsive, curious child who runs off without fear of consequences. Surely another controversial case could be made that there is a price to be paid by that super-obedient 3 year old girl later in life as well. In any case, the issue raised by OP is less about the appropriateness of harnesses, leashes, and connectors than it is about the fear she has of being judged by others who have a hard time mindng their own business. Every parent makes their own choice based on their child's needs and their own capabilities. If anyone feels a need to make unsolicited negative comments then shame on them.
 
If anyone feels a need to make unsolicited negative comments then shame on them.

shame on you! Look at the title of the thread. It wasn't unsolicited. If she didn't want opinions, she would have titled the thread, "Everyone tell me I'm wonderful for using a leash. No dissenting opinions, please".

Surely another controversial case could be made that there is a price to be paid by that super-obedient 3 year old girl later in life as well.

Yeah, we all know those horror stories about children who are well behaved and well mannered turning into well behaved and well mannered adults...**shiver** Scary outcome!

In any case, the issue raised by OP is less about the appropriateness of harnesses, leashes, and connectors than it is about the fear she has of being judged by others who have a hard time mindng their own business

No, it was about whether or not she is wrong for using a harness. When people solicit responses, it has nothing to do with minding one's own business. RIF.
 
Actually, I admit you are right, there is a second thread on the same topic whose OP stated that she was very sensitive to the comments of others and afraid of negative reaction in the park. I had blurred those two OP posts.

And I fully recognize that your opinion was solicited in this thread, you very appropriately stated that in your first post. However my comment about shame on people who express unsolicited criticism referred not to people who post on a discussion board but people who feel compelled to approach a parent in the park and make hurtful comments on his/her parenting choices.

You are undoubtably making good choices for your family and you are free to express your opinion when asked, as you were here. But if you see a parent in the park making different choices, I trust you will keep a charitable thought for them and understand that you do not know their circumstances just because you see them use a piece of safety equipment that you do not need.
 
Yes, by all means, use a harness. We had nothing but positive comments from people, especially security guards at airports, parks, etc.

However, here's something we learned the hard way. Harnesses designed for children have so many "safety" features built in as to make them almost useless. Specifically, they're designed to break away when the slightest pressure is applied. Well, some children will go with the harness, but our ds quickly found he could break the harness by just the slightest tug and off he went. It became a game with him. So here's what we did--we went to PetSmart and bought a dog harness for him. I realize that sounds awful, but the harnesses designed for dogs are exactly the same style as those for children and even come in a variety of fun colors. The main difference is that they are strong enough to resist the tugging of a pet (or child). Study the children's harnesses carefully then get a similar one at the pet store. Of course, don't get one with a choke hold! And whatever you do, don't take the kid with you to try one on, or tell the store clerk what you intend it for. Then you really will get some negative comments!

We found this type of harness to be invaluable, especially while ds was going through his terrible twos. It worked and he even liked it.
 
wdwdvcdad,

Yep, I had a father just like you. One thing I have learned as a parent, no one is EVER right all the time. And every parent has a different way to approach parenting with no one way being the ultimate way.

Aubrey,
As you see above, I had a father like wdwdvcdad, you know what happened when I turned 18 - I became a stripper just to be free of the rules for a while. So, a well-disciplined and well-behaved child of today may just be that rebellious teenager and young adult. I have since finished college and have a career in business, but that was of my own making for my own pleasure. So I will not be AS hard on my kids as my dad was on me but I am sure they will still be as respectful and polite as I was growing up.

Again I say I do not use harness' but I do see a use for them.
 
reeddi,

I didn't mean in any way to imply that wdwdvcdad was a bad father or that his children would have sad destinies. I was making the point that like any parenting philosophy, there is a second side to overly strict limits as well as to overly permissive ones. There is a developmental function for testing limits and it is often better done in toddlerhood than in young adulthood as you discovered. You are to be commended for the wisdom and strength it takes to turn rebellion into success. In part that is no doubt due to inner discipline that was gained at high cost during your earlier years. So there is a benefit and a cost to any parenting style we adopt and wise parents try to teach self-discipline and good values while minimizing the need to rebel and avoiding crushing creativity and motivation. I'm sure that your children are all the better for your balanced sensible approach. Blessings.
 
I don't mean to imply that he is a bad father either. I am sorry it came out that way. I just meant to show that the way children act at a young age does not always show what they will be as adults. And different parenting styles have different results.


To wdwdvcdad,
I am sorry for making it seem like I was putting you down. I did not mean it that way. I wish I had a setup like yours and could spend more time with my own children. I just treasure what time I do have. I also tresaure the relationship I have restablished with my own dad.
 
Actually, I admit you are right, there is a second thread on the same topic whose OP stated that she was very sensitive to the comments of others and afraid of negative reaction in the park. I had blurred those two OP posts.

And I fully recognize that your opinion was solicited in this thread, you very appropriately stated that in your first post. However my comment about shame on people who express unsolicited criticism referred not to people who post on a discussion board but people who feel compelled to approach a parent in the park and make hurtful comments on his/her parenting choices.

You are undoubtably making good choices for your family and you are free to express your opinion when asked, as you were here. But if you see a parent in the park making different choices, I trust you will keep a charitable thought for them and understand that you do not know their circumstances just because you see them use a piece of safety equipment that you do not need.

I've got alot of respect for you for writing back like that. Thanks!:D

To wdwdvcdad,
I am sorry for making it seem like I was putting you down. I did not mean it that way. I wish I had a setup like yours and could spend more time with my own children. I just treasure what time I do have. I also tresaure the relationship I have restablished with my own dad.

Thank you, too. I'm ok if you criticize me by the way. I'm not one of those "don't judge" people. We all judge every day, all of the time. I am confident that I am raising well adjusted, mannery, well behaved little ladies. But, don't get the impression that I don't encourage freedom of thought and action as well. I just have a rule that I'm the dad, therefore I'm the boss. Believe me, my girls get loved and told how wonderful they are in every way dozens of times a day! No exaggeration! I just make sure that when I say something, it is done.

For the record, there is a difference between raising children with the expectation that they follow rules and act mannerly, and "being hard on them." Being a stripper was your choice, and not your father's responsibility. Don't blame him. That is the easy way out. I broke free when I went to college and partied my way out of college after a couple of years (I have since 'regrouped'). I tried to blame my parents, too. Then I realized that it wasn't their fault. They did nothing but love me & teach me right from wrong. I was the only one at fault. I was selfish and dopey!

As for unsolicited criticism in the parks or anywhere else, I stay out of other peoples' business, unless abuse is taking place (and no, spanking is not something I consider abuse). There are all different approiaches. While I may have disdain for what people are doing, it doesn't mean that I am the one to change it. It is not my place.
 
Originally posted by wdwdvcdad
I'd have to say yes. You asked, so don't take this as an attack. I feel it is my responsibility to raise my children to know boundaries, and to be constantly vigilant in making sure that they stick to them. Every time I see a kid on a leash, I see a parent who won't take the time or responsibility to do his or her job. It is the easy way out, & it turns my stomach. I'm sure many over-sensitive parents who are filled with self-guilt becausae they know that they are doing the wrong thing are going to flame me, but oh well, we know I'm right..:teeth:

Doing their job - R U nuts. The last time I checked securing your children was the job of the parents. By the way R U a parent? How old are your children? Do you realize how many - as you say- over sensitive parents lose their children daily. More than my poor stomach can take. And as far as your comment of doing the "WRONG THING" is borderline ignorant (remember ignorant is defined as lack of knowledge) And you are writing on this message board as if you don't watch the news, read the papers, read your mail, or buy milk cartons. In my opinion, since you gave yours, its a lack of security to go to a theme park and believe that a toddler (because they are more likely to get the harness) would not walk away in a blink of a eye. And I really hope your not in Disney when I go and if you are KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOUR SELF!!!!!!!!!!:mad:
 
My dearest djm99,

Your post was an embarrassment. Take a minute, catch your breath. Read the whole thread. Now, stop projecting your own guilty conscience about the poor job you are doing on me by attacking me. I will see you in WDW next week. Can't wait to see you sweetie! I leave sunday night! Save me a leash!:tongue:
 
Well I just got myself a harness at Walmart really cute with elmo on the front. 22 month old DS loves it and it was only $5.88 for anyone searching for an inexpensive harness. It can be used around the chest with velcro on the back and on the wrist. I was the OP on the other thread mentioned that was worried about nasty comments if I used a harness on my 22 month old. The more I have thought about trying to control my over active adventerous son it was clear this was the best solution for WDW. He does not have the cognitive skills yet to understand most of my instructions but he does have the motor skills to climb a wall and run really fast. I will be using the harness as needed because I decided it was simply a social thing that I was letting get to me. I mean how is a saftey harness any harsher than belting a child in a stroller. My stroller and carseat all have 5 point harnesses. At least this way his curiousity and independence can be addressed in a safer manner and he will get exercise instead of being forced to stay in a stroller like a caged animal.
When we make judgements based on what is right for our child it is important to remember that children can be very different in temperment, motor skills and cognitive skills. See you all at disney I'll be the mom of 4 with the youngest in an red elmo harness please only talk to me if you can be nice about the harness.LOL
 
jjjbennett,

you'll see plenty of people using leashes. I have never, ever heard anyone say anything negative about it to anyone. While I vehemently disagree wth what you are doing, I would not say anything either. Your kid, your choice. That's why they make chocolate & vanilla ice cream. Have a good time, and if anyone says anything to you, tell them to mind their own business. But, on these boards when people ask opinions (like the OP did) they will get opinions from all side. That is what some people don't understand. Asking for an opinion doesn;t mean "agree with me". Have a good time. P.S. I'll be in Cherry Hill helping my buddy move into his new home on friday and saturday. I live right over the bridge in PA.
 
Wow! How exciting that I started this huge debate...Never done that before. Thank you to EVERYONE for your opinions. After reading everyone's stories and those on other threads, I am definitely purchasing a harness since I don't want to take a chance on my son getting lost. WDWDVCDAD -Thank you for your opinions as well - I did ask and appreciate that you have such strong views though in this case I choose not to agree with them. I think that the part about being right must have been in jest (I'm sure you'll correct me if I'm wrong). Otherwise You must lead a very stress free life to have such well behaved kids AND being able to know absolute right from wrong. I imagine that is very liberating.
Jordan's mom and Aubrey - thank you both for pointing out that different kids are different. I can honestly say that I would never have considered a harness with my now 4-year old daughter but my son is a whole different story and I'm not sure how precocious your children were WDWDVCDAD, but my son is not yet 15 months and he really doesn't have a firm grip on boundaries yet not to mention he is quite strong for his age - ex., yesterday, while I was helping my daughter get something from the pantry, her 'removed' the screendoor leading to our deck and decided to leave. Fortunately we have a gated deck so he didn't get very far.
Again - thank you for your opinions. They have been very helpful.
We'll be at WDW in Sept. with harness - feel free to say 'hi' :)
 
This thread is reminiscient of similar discussions I remember from years ago when my youngest was at that harnessable age. I guess the debate never changes.

I have 3 children, DD (19), DS (15), DS (9). I certainly will not profess to be an expert on childrearing, but I have been there, done that and will say with confidence that each of my children were unique individuals, learned boundaries and parental expectations in different ways and at different times in their maturation process.

My first, the only girl, and proud mother that I was, I would never have considered such a thing as a harness for her. She obeyed from the moment she was born She was sweet natured, compliant and would never think of such a thing as straying from my side. I thought all children should be just like her if they were taught right! The next, a boy, much more rambunctious and precocious than his sister, but in a crowd would willingly be content in the stroller or holding my hand. I had a hand for each child at this point, we were still OK. I was lucky, read on!

Now along came that 3rd, another boy. He arrived in this world independent, determined, a mind of his own and determined to prove it. I'm still the same parent, I discipline the exact same way, there is no teaching this kid about rules or boundaries at an early age. He is the strongest willed of the 3.

We take our first 3 kid trip to WDW when the youngest is 18 mos old. Let me tell you, that child was a holy terror. Getting the biggest chuckle out of running from Dad just to see if he would follow. He could unbuckle that stroller buckle in a blink of an eye and be gone before you could even open your mouth to say stop! The next trip we take, you bet, he was hooked up to Dad every step of the way. They made a game out of it, let's not lose Dad! DH had so many envious Dad's begging him to tell them where they could get one, as they were huffing and puffing after their own 2 yo!

So, in my opinion, whether to harness or not to harness is not about boundaries or teaching children to obey or how good a parent you are. Each child has their own unique personality, some are compliant at that age, some just aren't. They all mature and respect rules at different times and in different ways. This little guy of ours has grown out of that defiant stage and become a charming, obedient, polite little man. But I'm sure glad I had that harness during those trying years when he needed as much help as we could give him to keep him safe from harm at a place as vulnerable as WDW. It was either use the harness at WDW or not go. We chose to go, use the means we had to assure our child's safety, and we felt that it was also teaching him at the same time what our expectations of him were. We weren't still using the harness at age 6. In fact I don't really remember when we stopped, but he learned eventually and all is well. Please, use your own best judgment and don't let others opinions and comments cause you to question your own conscience.

I think the person that wrote this....."I just think that a person who is treated like an animal tends to act like one. Maybe the reason the child won't listen without a leash is because it was never taught how to behave. Putting a child on a leash does not teach him to respect boundaries, it teaches him that the only way to have someone behave is at the end of a leash...like an animal."....deserves to have a little boy like my 3rd little angel. His tune may change! LOL!
 
I keep seeing a lot of responses saying that it's all about teaching your children to follow the rules and parents being lazy about controlling their children. I don't see what that has to do with using a harness. No matter how obedient your children are it only takes a split second for their or your attention to be diverted and before you know it your separated. I don't think it has anything to do with a child being bad if they lose sight of you in a place such as Disney World. There are tons of things to occupy their attention and a lots of crowds for them to get lost in and holding a hot sweaty hand all day is not fun for anyone!

I find this very interesting because I used a wrist leash a few times on my DD and DS at Disney World when I wasn't using the stroller. Although DD now 9 is small for her age I mentioned that they are getting too big for strollers and wrist leashes and we will do without this year. My DD was horrified! She said, "but Mom what if I get lost?" Imagine the stares I will get when they see me attached to my 9 y/o!
:eek:
 
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