Am I a horrible mom?

[cats7494]

So, my dd15's grades are less than perfect and she continues to either turn in late assignments or not at all (in one particular class, especially).
We had school conferences and we thought she was making strides in improving. But apparently, that was not true. I e-mailed all of her teachers to get the real scoop.

For an Easter present, we said she could get her cartilege/ear pierced.
Now, would it be awful to say she can NOT get it pierced until grades are up? Or is that wrong since it was intended as a gift?

We are just frustrated with her right now. Love her to pieces, but she can drive me nuts! I have taken her cell phone away until the grades are up (she was texting too much) She can have it when I need her to have it, ie...she is at a sports event and I need to contact her.

Help!

 

[cabanafrau]

What's more important in the long run? 15 is an age in the heart of the serious academic lead-up to college. If she really wants the piercing, I'd say that sounds like a great incentive to get it together at school.

 

[NMAmy]

No, it's not awful. In fact, I'd be doing some grounding myself along with withholding the ear piercing.

Did she know she was doing badly and hid it from you? That's kind of the way it sounded from your post but perhaps I misunderstood.

 

[Christine]

No, that would not be horrible.

In our house, things like ear piercings, cell phones, and things like extra privileges are not true "gifts" even though they might be given on an occasion. I will give those types of "gifts" if my child is doing her "job" as a student. The minute that job is not performed properly, the gifts and the benefits stop or are taken away.

Your DD is not pulling her weight, she shouldn't get extras.

 

[cats7494]

No, it's not awful. In fact, I'd be doing some grounding myself along with withholding the ear piercing.

Did she know she was doing badly and hid it from you? That's kind of the way it sounded from your post but perhaps I misunderstood.

You are correct. She told me she had no homework but I learned from the teacher that she has two assignments she has not turned in.

I agree cabanafrau - college is way more important.

I just get a little squeamish about breaking a promise.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Id say if she manipulated you, or hid information from you, it's ok to 'take back' the piercing... You both had false information....

But, maybe I"m the only one here, if the phone was taken away for the grades and you have been in the loop, then I say the piercing should be seperate, find something else to use....

Of course, totally different, if it was my kid, she wouldn't get it Aren't teenagers fun

 

[alexandria674]

You are not a bad mother at all! You are pretty responsible though the earrings can be considered a gift, they should be a right and your daughter must earn that right! I wish my mother had done that to me when I was a teen. I would of killed to have someone be furious with me ( as odd as it sounds) I had to pick things up by myself. I think you are doing right by your daughter and even though she will be angry now, when she picks up her grades she will feel much better. Not only because she will get those earrings but because she earned those earrings. Also, the whole lying thing...it isn't right to do and she must learn that.

 

[NMAmy]

You are correct. She told me she had no homework but I learned from the teacher that she has two assignments she has not turned in.

I agree cabanafrau - college is way more important.

I just get a little squeamish about breaking a promise.

Ahh...to me, that is lying. And lying to Mommy has harsh consequences at my house.

Look at it this way--she broke faith with you by telling you she didn't have an assignment. You are under no obligation to keep a promise to someone who isn't behaving.

Raising teenagers is the worst, isn't it?

 

[cats7494]

Ahh...to me, that is lying. And lying to Mommy has harsh consequences at my house.

Look at it this way--she broke faith with you by telling you she didn't have an assignment. You are under no obligation to keep a promise to someone who isn't behaving.

Raising teenagers is the worst, isn't it?

Absolutely, it is so hard. I am already the "strictest" mom! lol (which is probably true, though!)
I just want her to do the right thing without me looking over her shoulder, you know?

 

[Handbag Lady]

When my dear friend is the WORST MOM EVER, she emails to her friends why she won that award.

She has twins and a singleton. Some of the things that made her win the award are making them do their homework, punishing them for lying, and for saying they can get something and then taking that thing back because of their behavior.

Please, do try and win the WORST MOM EVER award, or in this case, the Strictest Mom Ever award. Tell your kid that she is not getting the piercing until grades improve and that even though you "promised," she's let you down by lying about school work and there's no way you can let her have a perk now. You need to be mom and not the cool friend.

My sister went through the same thing with her teen. They had a trip to Hawaii planned. My niece's grades slipped. My sister told her if they don't improve, she's not going to Hawaii! My niece had the gall to laugh at her. My niece told my sister since she's saved for years for this trip, she wouldn't cancel, no matter what and continued to be a PITA.

She was right. My sister didn't cancel. She went on the trip with my mom and my niece ended up staying for a week at the STRICTEST GRANDPA EVER'S house.

 

[Cindy B]

My sister went through the same thing with her teen. They had a trip to Hawaii planned. My niece's grades slipped. My sister told her if they don't improve, she's not going to Hawaii! My niece had the gall to laugh at her. My niece told my sister since she's saved for years for this trip, she wouldn't cancel, no matter what and continued to be a PITA.

She was right. My sister didn't cancel. She went on the trip with my mom and my niece ended up staying for a week at the STRICTEST GRANDPA EVER'S house.

Good job! I'm at that point as well, but with military camp!

 

[Darcy03231]

I had this issue with DS (only it was in all of his classes). What I've found works is to break it down by week and I email the teachers every Friday morning to make sure he's turned everything in. If all his work is in then he has social/telephone/computer etc. privileges that weekend and through the following week. If not, he loses all of his privileges for the the weekend and upcoming, but has a chance to earn them back for the following weekend/week if he gets everything in the next week.

We tried the grounding out into the indefinite future, no cell phone, no computer, etc., but it seemed with no incentive to get them back in the near future he just gave up. The week by week incentive seems to be working really well. All of his teachers are impressed with his improvement and so far, since we've started (and I hope I'm not jinxing it), he's managed to get all his work in, get A's & B's on all his tests/quizzes and has gotten all his projects completed and in on time.

 

[Christine]

Absolutely, it is so hard. I am already the "strictest" mom! lol (which is probably true, though!)
I just want her to do the right thing without me looking over her shoulder, you know?

No, your'e not. I am. I'm just about the only mom (or so my DD says) that won't allow piercings beyond the earlobe. That you are allowing cartilage piercing would put you in the "cool" mom category with my DD!

 

[DWGal210]

I don't think you should feel guilty at all - if you think that taking away the ear piercing will get her to straighten up, then by all means go for it!! If that gets her to straighten up and do what needs to be done, then by all means!! As a PP said, in a few short years it will be college application time, and this is the point where all of that is decided.

 

[Iott Family]

You are correct. She told me she had no homework but I learned from the teacher that she has two assignments she has not turned in.

I agree cabanafrau - college is way more important.

I just get a little squeamish about breaking a promise.

I dont see it as breaking a promise. you arent saying she cant have the piercing. What you are saying she can only have it once her grades are up and she has met her obligation to her teachers, herself and her future!

Besides, lying about the homework would be an automatic deal breaker in this house!

 

[pweyl36]

You are correct. She told me she had no homework but I learned from the teacher that she has two assignments she has not turned in.

I agree cabanafrau - college is way more important.

I just get a little squeamish about breaking a promise.

this is why I never promise my kids things, I always say "Will see". So when They dont get what they want, they can't say "But you promised"!

 

[cats7494]

Thank you all for your comments and insights; they are really appreciated!

I do like the idea of having a weekly incentive until her grades are up. It is hard to have much hope if you are grounded indefinitely.

I have always told her that I am not her "friend". I love her dearly but I am here to be her mother and instruct and prepare her for life. I am blessed with a Dh that stands behind me 100% regarding discipline!

 

[agnes!]

My DD has a friend who has never learned the lesson you're trying to teach your daughter and she (and her grades) are suffering for it. Nip this lying/not-doing-work in the bud *now* - otherwise she'll be creative about the truth with you for the rest of her school-years. Just wait until she gets into higher education, she'll have to buckle down all by herself and that *really* won't be pretty.

agnes!

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